3 1/2 year old phobic of the potty!! Help!

[ppan77]

My 3 1/2 yr old boy is completely phobic of the potty at home. He will sit on it a school (no results) when his peers take a turn. At home, it is an all out crying shaking anxiety stricken tantrum that my husband and I have given up on. He has NEVER peed or pooped in the potty. He tells me as soon as he had pooped in his pull up bc he cant stand to be in a dirty diaper. All the signs are that he's ready but he wont do it for us. Its all about him being in control. We have tried bribery and talked about rewards but not physically bought toys in the house for him. Right now he can get a tootsie roll if he is successful but wont. He even says "i'm not ready" when I ask him to try. What do I do???

 

[ilovejack02]

Depends on how ready you are to get him out of pull ups.

I wouldnt fight with him on it.. meaning no yelling punishing etc.
Mine was the same way.. just would not do it and had a stroke when it was mentioned, but at 3.5 yrs. I was DONE DONE DONE.

So I did the naked butt method. SHoved him full of drinks, made him sit around the house naked and set a timer. If he had an accident, I never fussed, but we cleaned together and then he had to take a bath.. because pottying on yourself is nasty and dirty. It made him so mad that he had to stop watching movies and playing to do this.
It was also cold outside so the house was kinda chilly. He would tell me I am cold, I need pants. I would sweetly answer you may them back when you use potty. You can just turn the air conditioner on if need be lol. Took about 4 days, during which we never left house.
Some people freak out about carpets..well that what a carpet cleaner is for.
Like I said .. YOU have to be ready for this method, because it takes patience.. not to fuss and patience just to wait it out.
Lots will say ohh just wait, he will be trained by kindergarten . Well that is true and that is fine for some, but by 3.5 yrs I was losing my mind lol and this is how I got it done.

 

[ilovejack02]

Oh and just to be clear this method is really more about inconveniencing him and taking up his playtime not forcing him on the potty.
Another thing we used during that time is .. Opps sorry no playgroup today/ no Chuckie Cheese today etc etc.. cant do that again until you use the potty. You are all out of pull ups so gotta learn to use the underwear before we can start doing fun things again.

Good luck op!!

 

[barnaby1]

I love the advice from ilovejack02.
I agree to get rid of the pullups - worse thing ever invented for potty training.
You could try to get him some underpants with his favorite character on or even a dress up costume of his favorite character as a lot of children would never dream of weeing on spiderman etc.

 

[rodeo65]

I had no trouble whatsoever with DD, but DS also did not take to the potty. We got one of those seats that fit over top of the regular toilet seat so their little bums won't fall in and a stool in front of it to climb on and he was perfectly fine. We told him how he was right he was a big boy and could go right to the grown up toilet and that did the trick for him.

I have an awesome picture of him starkers sitting on the toilet with a soother in his mouth and a huge book of planes, trains and cars in front of him. It's absolutely priceless! Good luck! When he's ready he will do it. It was added incentive for our DS that DD is 16 months younger and was already trained.

 

[fussymonkey]

If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. DD is 3.5 and while she does great with the potty at daycare and mostly great at home (occasional accdients, but not all that often), she refuses to go on a public potty. She hates public restrooms with the fire of a thousand nuns; they're noisy and loud and the potties are big.

I don't push too hard on it. You're right, it is all about control. My DD is strong willed and I've found its much easier to guide her will than to fight it, so I'd suggest "when you can go on the potty we can.... (fill in blank with something fun)" or "we can't go .... becuase only big kids who go on the potty are allowed".

 

[dogodisney]

Depends on how ready you are to get him out of pull ups.

I wouldnt fight with him on it.. meaning no yelling punishing etc.
Mine was the same way.. just would not do it and had a stroke when it was mentioned, but at 3.5 yrs. I was DONE DONE DONE.

So I did the naked butt method. SHoved him full of drinks, made him sit around the house naked and set a timer. If he had an accident, I never fussed, but we cleaned together and then he had to take a bath.. because pottying on yourself is nasty and dirty. It made him so mad that he had to stop watching movies and playing to do this.
It was also cold outside so the house was kinda chilly. He would tell me I am cold, I need pants. I would sweetly answer you may them back when you use potty. You can just turn the air conditioner on if need be lol. Took about 4 days, during which we never left house.
Some people freak out about carpets..well that what a carpet cleaner is for.
Like I said .. YOU have to be ready for this method, because it takes patience.. not to fuss and patience just to wait it out.
Lots will say ohh just wait, he will be trained by kindergarten . Well that is true and that is fine for some, but by 3.5 yrs I was losing my mind lol and this is how I got it done.

I did the same thing with my DGD when she was 3 except we stayed off the carpet. I put on long tshirts so her body was covered but she went without any type of bottoms.

Like the PP said.... get rid of the pullups. For most kids and parents for that matter, they're just fancy diapers.

 

[Eyore4Ever149]

funny about the pull ups- we have both underwear and pull ups and I give her a choice. In the mornings she almost always wants underwear, but if she has had an accident, I think she loses confidence since she will then ask for a pull up. Either way we are still wearing a diaper or pull up for naps or bedtime.
She uses her own little personal sized potty at home, but i havent had luck with public restrooms, and I even bring her little seat with us. She just started about 3 weeks ago and she turns 3 in April.
When she was about 15 months she showed interest, but I didn't really do much about it, then we went thru the stage of her screaming/crying if I tried to even direct her toward the potty if she needed to go. Then about 3 weeks ago I showed her M&Ms and told her she would get 2 if she used the pottty. DD is not allowed sweets/candy of any kind, so this is a special treat and seemed to do the trick for her.
If she has an accident we tell her we will help her get cleaned up and maybe suggest next time she try to get to the potty. So far, so good.

Good luck!

 

[tadamom]

I agree with ILOVEJACK02. (I never had any problems training my kids (DS was just over 2 and DD was 20 months.) But if I was having problems training mine, I would do that!

 

[delmar411]

DS4 was the same way. He wanted nothing to do with the potty. We didn't push it. We didn't put him down or berate him, we just let it be. Well he hit about 3yrs 9-10mths and decide he was done with diapers. His choice and it was done. He had a few accidents here and there of course but it was minimal and painless. He was not only physically ready but mentally/emotionally ready.

I don't think pushing it or worrying about it will fix anything. It will make it worse. At some point they will decide they are going to use the toilet and that will be the end of diapers. But once they make that choice, no more diapers. PERIOD. Get rid of them and do not have pullups or diapers or anything like them in the house.

I wouldn't suggest pullups really as they are just diapers. A child is either in diapers or not, there is no in between.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I also used the naked butt method, lol. On DS's third birthday I said "oh, you're 3 now, no more diapers when the sun is out" and got rid of them. For a few days he went naked, he did go on the floor a couple times, but it upset him so it didn't take long before he would run to the potty. Then when he was consistently doing that I started putting him in underwear and he had a couple accidents there, too, but once he got the hang of underwear he was done.

And we made a huge deal when he used the potty, too, we had a "clean butt" dance

 

[TaraPA]

I know you're frustrated. I've been there. I used the naked butt treatment too for one son (during the summer - makes it much easier to hang outdoors as much as possible!) and it worked within a week. My other son loved shooting things - so we put Cheerios in the toilet & he had to "shoot them" by peeing on them - he loved every second of it! If this doesn't work just let it go. I know you'll hear "my DS was trained at 22 months, someone else at 2 1/2, etc. etc. etc." It is NOT uncommon for a 3 1/2 year old to not be potty trained, and/or have anxiety about using the toilet. Don't worry - I'd guess that 99% of kids getting on the school bus for kindergarten ARE potty trained - and yours will be too.

 

[SueM in MN]

DS4 was the same way. He wanted nothing to do with the potty. We didn't push it. We didn't put him down or berate him, we just let it be. Well he hit about 3yrs 9-10mths and decide he was done with diapers. His choice and it was done. He had a few accidents here and there of course but it was minimal and painless. He was not only physically ready but mentally/emotionally ready.

I don't think pushing it or worrying about it will fix anything. It will make it worse. At some point they will decide they are going to use the toilet and that will be the end of diapers. But once they make that choice, no more diapers. PERIOD. Get rid of them and do not have pullups or diapers or anything like them in the house.

I wouldn't suggest pullups really as they are just diapers. A child is either in diapers or not, there is no in between.

I did the same thing with oldest DD.
She knew what to do, she just was not ready.
I would give her a choice each day whether she wanted to wear underpants and use the toilet or wear diapers. When she chose to wear underpants, she was usually dry.
One morning, she woke up and said "I decided I'm big now." She wanted 'big girl underwear and had no accidents after that.

 

[steve and julie]

Our DD did great and has been trained for 6 months, she would even poop on demand to get a surprise(hersey kiss) As far as her twin brother he just did not get it(or did not want to) He even had an older cousin, a 4 year old boy to show him and nothing. We stopped the pull ups about 4 months ago and 1 couch later and lots of underwear we are 6 days in a row. It was like a switch went off and bam. We wish you all the luck but we just waited til he was ready and the switch came on( watch poop in pants tomorrow) LOL good luck PS saw a poll that 26 % of kids are not completely potty trained til 4 years old.

 

[magicfairydust]

I tried everything for mine. The naked method, the treat method, the give them a book and set the timer method (he would have to go about every 15 minutes). The thing that seemed to work for us was a toy. We would buy a pack of toys at TJMaxx or Marshalls and we would put one on the back of the toilet and everytime he went he got one of the toys. (These were small toys. I think they were like 5.00 for 15 and they were all sets of animals from different locations....amazon, artic, etc. So he got a little collection of toys in the process). The main thing to remember is to relax. How many kids do you know that went to college in diapers?

 

[maiapapaya]

Want to talk about potty anxiety, beware those darn automatic flush toilets! Our DD, just turned 4 (today!) was completely trained for a couple of months. Then my DH took her to the toilet in a Home Depot that had an automatic flush toilet. It scared the crap out of her! (excuse the pun). She is now terrified of public toilets and fights furiously about using one. She will hold it as long as she can and won't even go to the toilet at home alone anymore. She keeps saying "it will flush me!" We have tried to reassure her and demonstrated that most toilets won't flush until you do it. She still struggles with the fear. It's very frustrating, but understandable. Big piece of advice, pay attention if it is an auto-flush toilet and carry sticky notes to cover the sensor. These things terrify little ones!

 

[Amber74]

All kids are different and I have read that they will eventually want to go in the potty. I have 4 sons and the first three were pretty much all the same. They were completely(#1 and #2) trained by the time they were 3. But, my last one (3 1/2) is still having problems with #2. I do not push him too much because I know it is coming. When he is naked and he has to go poop he cries for a diaper. We only put diapers on at bedtime sometimes. We have plenty of accidents but that's why I have a carpet cleaner. We don't have anymore pee accidents because he likes going pee in the potty. it's really strange how he goes, he stands on the toilet seat and crouches down or he puts one foot up on the seat. We crack up everytime we see him.
Good Luck it is just a matter of time.

 

[WantToGoNow]

Get rid of the Pull-Ups. Pull-Ups are nothing but glorified diapers. You said he doesn't like to be soiled - put him in underwear. My ds couldn't stand anything on him - and he surely didn't want pee running down his legs. By that age he should be more than ready to use the toilet - but the toilet is not convenient, you have to stop what you are doing to go in there and do it. My kids were all potty trained and in underwear by their 2nd birthdays.

 

[mjmoon]

The inconvenience method worked for my DS just a couple of weeks ago. I too was going crazy with his refusal to use the potty. A friend suggested doing this and even though I was skeptical it worked!!

We put him in underwear and put about 5 changes of clothes in the bathroom with a big bag of wipes. When he wet/soiled himself we made him responsible for cleaning himself up and getting himself changed. Being somewhat uncoordinated this was a 10-15 minutes process for him.. After a few days he decided it was quicker and easier to just use the potty. lol

This also helped teach him to wipe himself well after using the potty as well as aid him in dressing himself (something he had no interest in doing before).

It was all around successful and now he refuses pullups even at night. He hasn't had an accident day or night in over a week.

Good luck to you!

 

[puffkin]

My DS didn't like the toilet at all, but he was fine with his little potty. I think he was scared of falling in the big toilet. I bought the Baby Bjorn potty seat and it was by far the best potty seat I have ever seen. It is so easy to take on and off the toilet and that thing didn't budge when he was on it. He had no problems with the big potty after we got that seat. It is a bit pricey (about $30) but so worth it!