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[C.Ann]

My oldest stepdaughter will be coming up here for the day on Saturday - and I'm a tad nervous..

Since my DH passed away in Jan. of '05, off and on I have been working on scrapbooks of his life for my 5 stepchildren.. I finally got them all finished late this winter.. When my DSD comes up on Saturday, I will be giving hers to her - as well as 3 others to distribute to her siblings that live in other towns or in one case, another state.. That accounts for "4" of the scrapbooks..

Just before I moved back up here to the lake, I mailed the 5th one to my stepdaughter in Florida..

Anyhow - immediately upon receiving the scrapbook, she called me from Florida in tears - going on and on about how wonderful the scrapbook was, all the work I put into, all the details and photos I dug up to include (each book is "individualized" to the person receiving it) - and was extremely emotional about the whole thing.. We were on the phone well over an hour - with her crying the entire time.. I'll admit that eventually I was crying too - talking about her dad, the memories, the photos, etc..

Now I'm getting a tad anxious that the same thing is going to happen when my DSD sees her scrapbook on Saturday.. I really don't know if I'm up to another crying jag (on my end) that could go on for quite some time..

I'm wondering if I should just wait and give her the books when she's on her way out the door.. Or do I give her them when she gets here - and just cry it out with her? We're very close - and she was very close to her dad - saw him frequently right up until the end - so there is no question that there is going to be a lot of crying and emotions involved..

Obviously the decision will be my own - but I'm wondering what others might do in this situation..

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

I would go through them with her. Part of the greiving process is remembering, laughing, and sharing with others. Talking through things with her may help. If you don't, you may always regret not having the moment to share with her.

Of course, if you don't feel up to it now, you can always ask her to bring it by at a later date and go over it then.

My mom gave me a beautiful scrapbook for my 21st birthday. What an amazing present it was...you are wonderful for making them.

 

[C.Ann]

I would go through them with her. Part of the greiving process is remembering, laughing, and sharing with others. Talking through things with her may help. If you don't, you may always regret not having the moment to share with her.

Of course, if you don't feel up to it now, you can always ask her to bring it by at a later date and go over it then.

My mom gave me a beautiful scrapbook for my 21st birthday. What an amazing present it was...you are wonderful for making them.

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That will be really hard.. I'm going to have to give it some more thought, for sure..

And no - I'm not "wonderful".. It's just something I thought they needed - and should have.. Their mom destroyed a lot of the old photos of my DH, his parents, aunts and uncles on that side, etc. - but I was able to track down things through family members on his side - as well as the things he was able to save himself - and of course all of the photos and mementos we saved over the years.. His daughter in Florida was totally stunned to find out that right up until the day he died, he still had all of his kids kindergarten photos in his wallet.. When I talked with her on the phone I was quite surprised to learn that she had only one small photo of her dad - and none of her grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins on that side of her family.. That made me really sad - while at the same time, happy - that I made the effort to give them these memories of their dad..

 

[PrincessKsMom]

JMHO, but I think you should share the scrapbook with her. I'm sure it will be easier for you each to deal with your emotions knowing someone is with you that feels the same way and you'll be able to share some wonderful memories. I think it would be a little harsh to hand her a book on her way out the door that you know might stir up emotions for her, but it will basically be telling her to deal with it herself. If you're not sure if you can deal with the emotions, I kind of feel like it would be harsh for you to stir up those emotions in her and send her on her way, KWIM?

Whatever you decide,

 

[C.Ann]

JMHO, but I think you should share the scrapbook with her. I'm sure it will be easier for you each to deal with your emotions knowing someone is with you that feels the same way and you'll be able to share some wonderful memories. I think it would be a little harsh to hand her a book on her way out the door that you know might stir up emotions for her, but it will basically be telling her to deal with it herself. If you're not sure if you can deal with the emotions, I kind of feel like it would be harsh for you to stir up those emotions in her and send her on her way, KWIM?

Whatever you decide,

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Thanks for pointing that out to me.. I never even thought about that angle..

She'll be with her 2 sisters when they get theirs - so I guess that's a good thing - and her brother (who lives in another state) is very, very much like my late DH - extremely private and would not want anyone else around when he goes through his..

I kind of thought there had to be some "other" point of view that I wasn't seeing - because I'm too close to the situation - so I guess that's why I posted this here.. Thanks again..

Turns out there isn't going to be any viewing or funeral services here for her aunt and that's why she's still able to come.. The aunt died in a nearby state and her children have decided on cremation - with no services at all..

 

[4nana]

The memory books of your late DH are such a kind loving gesture for your step children C.Ann, I can't imagine there not being tears. You've come such a long way with your therapy, only you can be the judge dear. Being as close as you and SD are, a good cry together may be a good therapy for how far you've come and just what the doctored ordered. Good luck in your decison and hope you have a wonderful week-end together.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

Well, C.Ann, I would trust my instincts. Each step-child is a different person and will react differently. Only you know them best and what would be best for them.

 

[sigmasal]

I think what you did is WONDERFUL, considering that you've been going through a hard time and it must have been very emotional to work on. I say, go through the book with her...I'm sure she'd want to look at it together or if she's very private you can give her some time to go through it by herself and then be there to talk about it with her. Good Luck!

 

[bumbershoot]

What does your therapist think?



I'm a big proponent of moving through the dark times...not skirting them (except for when you go to work and can't sit at your desk in tears of course). Working through it, feeling your feelings, etc etc.

I wonder if you've been sitting on your righteous grief, and working on these scrapbooks has been part of working through it, and now giving those books out will be another part, working towards the ultimate end of this patch of deep grief? That's what I would be wondering if it were me, at least.

Everyone's always afraid to bring up sadness by talking about loved ones that have died...but it always feels so good to know that others are thinking of that person...I know I always feel better when I've been brave enough to bring up my mom to my aunt, and so on. I don't feel so alone.

So I wonder if having that camaraderie of showing it to your stepdaughters might really help you continue through it. I wonder.

 

[C.Ann]

So - yes.. I know I have to deal with the "discomfort" associated with this scrapbook situation.. The only thing that makes me a little jittery is knowing that my real "crisis" came immediately after I finished the last book.. On the other hand, I have come a long, long way since then.. I have the "tools" to handle the discomfort and come out of it okay.. I guess I just needed to review the things I have already learned..

Of course now there has been another change in plans.. LOL She won't be coming tomorrow (it's supposed to rain up here all day and she doesn't like to drive in the rain) - so "tenatively" it will be Sunday - if the weather cooperates..

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and suggestions..

 

[PrincessKsMom]

C.Ann:

Please know that regardless of when this happens, we'll be here to help you get through! That's the great thing about the internet, someone is ALWAYS there.

 

[C.Ann]

----------------

Thanks..

 

[61292cna]

 

[Vivig]

What a wonderful gift that you have created for each!

From your posts you appear to be a strong and loving person and very much loved by those around you. I think that if there are any tears that they would bind you both closer. Sharing memories is sometimes hard but if you share them with those you love it will ease the pain.

Think of all the work you have done, and the tenderness and thoughtfulness that is reflected in each book! What a priceless gift you have created!

You should be able to enjoy the joy & memories that it will bring to each of the kids! I am sure that there will be much healing occuring for you both as you review it together. Not that it has not been said, but I am sure that their gratitude towards you for being such a great Step Mom will certainly be voiced!

Can't wait to hear your update after today's visit.

 

[C.Ann]

Can't wait to hear your update after today's visit.

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Well here's the update - and it's an exciting one!!

Due to the weather up here today (windy, cold, rainy) we decided to reschedule for a nice sunny weekend - but - when my other two stepdaughters heard about the plan, they asked if they could come too!! So -when the weather cooperates, it looks like we'll be having somewhat of a family reunion, a nice cook-out, and my DD and her family we be here as well (they're out of town this weekend)..

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Fantastic news C.Ann. Actually sounds like you're looking forward to it now, instead of dreading it.

 

[4nana]

C.Ann, I'm so happy for you! Sounds like the makings of a perfect week-end of reminiscing!

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

That sounds great...have fun!