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[Stitchfans]

Good for you. There is no reason why you should have to bend over backwards for them and they get to treat you badly. Hopefully they will open their eyes and see what they are doing and change.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Would you be my DDIL? I promise to help you out if you would cook for me several times a week besides dog sitting, shopping etc. I am so envious of your in-laws.

I agree. You sound like an incredible DIL. You're in-laws are so very lucky to have someone like you that is so thoughful and respectful of them. I feel so sorry that you in-laws do not understand or appreciate how much that have in their lives. So many grandparents would love to be able to live right next door so they could spend more time with their kids and grands.

 

[barbeml]

I don't do "one-way" relationships.

This is my philosophy...I just never had a name for it!! Brilliant.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

. It never occurred to me that I am being used by DH's family... because that means they aren't much better than the people I come from which makes me sad. It also never occurred to me that I am trying to fix my childhood through the people I am around now.... which is also bad news because that says to me I'm still immature in how I'm handling it...its a no win for me. Both seem to be very common sense ideas... which makes me wonder why I don't see it with my own eyes?????

Well, because it is "OK" to "put up with" some things from family. All of us compromise.

However, there is a point at which it becomes "toxic" to you. That point is when you are angry and feeling used, aka the "babysitting incident".

That was a clear slap in your face. Getting "slapped" by your IL's is not a healthy way to have a relationship with them. That is your message that something is "rotten in Denmark".

PrincessKitty1 explanation of reciprocity is right on. It has to be there.

Also, as ugly as it is, you can look at the reality of the relationship and how "off balance" it has gotten.
The boundary lines in your case have gotten to an extreme point.

You then ask why. Generally it is because you are trying to fulfill a need you had from childhood.

The reality is we can never go back and fix that hole. That is a hard thing to accept BUT good news it when you do accept that and move forward baby....it is ALL GOOD!
Trust me!!!!

Not saying it was easy by any means but I have never been happier.

 

[Dee & Greg]

Read "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr. Laura... very helpful book.
You can't "fix" people... only can control your reaction to them.

 

[Cee]

There will never be any reason for her to do anything as long as you continue
to do EVERYthing. You teach people how to treat you. It's time to make a
change as hard as that will be. It's a brand new year. What are you going to
do? Best of luck to you and keep

 

[shortbun]

I would slowly but surely step down my involvement with them. Tell them you're too busy taking care of the kids and organizing your daily life if they complain. Making dinner for someone several times a week is a chore. 1st step, stop doing that. Twice a week is more than most people would do. They have indicated they want to be independent. Allow that to happen with a smile on your face and a song in your heart.

 

[MyZoeJane]

There's also someone who said, "You can't be taken advantage of without your permission." If you are truly not getting anything back from this relationship, then I join the ranks wondering why you're doing all that you're doing. How does your DH feel about all this? They're HIS parents, after all. If you have a problem with them, shouldn't he be helping you out here?

Eleanor Roosevelt... "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Sounds to me like you need to stop doing things for her until she realizes the meaning of GRATITUDE. NO MORE DINNERS.... and tell her WHY.

"Look, mom. I love you... but I don't think you realize what a slap in the face it is when I come to you asking for you to step up and help with your grandkids and you refuse me so you can go SHOPPING? IF I can't count on you when I need you, then why should I continue to do what I do for you?"