13 yr old grounded for life-20 months later~post 258!!

[The Mystery Machine]

So....what would you do? Sell the iPOD, ground for a LONG time, what???

I don't find grounding to be very effective for my kids so that is not an option.

IPOD would be surrendered to me.
If he has a phone that would be confiscated and use would be on a as needed basis, same with the computer.
If he uses video game systems those would be put up as well.

I would then have him continue to work with the money going to me.

I would not set a "time" on my punishment. I find that to be my most effective weapon. Getting your stuff back will depend on your attitude and behavior.

 

[barkley]

i'll just say that i would'nt let him work off the debt by doing chores for you. unless you were already planning on paying him to do certain chores all this will do is have him doing what was already expected of him and receiving the financial benefit (so he still gets his tunes, and still gets mom to pay for them).

i'm probably an evil parent by some standards but i have zero tolerance for theft or deception so i would likely call the local district attny's office and just ask what the first level sentencing would be for this type of crime-then plan my punishment to suit the crime. in some states a first time offender can get up to $1000 in fines, restitution and 6 months in jail (or probation), so i might look at waiving the fine in lieu of so many hours of community service, having him work to do full restitution-and house arrest or closely guarded probation for the better part of at least the end of 2008. oh and the ipod-it would be in my custody (it had been used in the commission of a crime so i would retain it for evidentary purposes

p.s.-not being techno saavy, is it possible to delete all he's purchased for it (with any source of money or gift card)? if so i would be deleting everything so when he got it back he'd be starting with a clean slate.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I'm sure your DS is a good kid. And I know all kids make mistakes. However, when it comes to lying and stealing it really is important to make the punishment severe enough to make sure they learn to never even think about doing something like this again. This time he stole something from you. You want to make sure that he never steals from someone else or you may be talking to the police next time.

I guess I'm one of the mean ones. I would immediately sell the ipod. I would also take all electronic things from him (phone, T.V.....anything). I would make him pay back any losses you incur (all itunes money, the difference between what you paid for the ipod and what you sold it for). He would have to get odd jobs. I wouldn't pay him for chores. I wouldn't pay him money to pay me back. I would never get him another ipod. He would have to buy his own someday. I would allow him to slowly earn back his other electronic toys. He would also not be allowed to be home alone for the foreseeable future. He won't like having a babysitter, but tough. It takes a second to lose trust, but a lot if time to earn it back.

I live in an affluent area. I've seen too many fundamentally good kids learn they can get away with murder and turn into juvenile delinquents (not to mention what they become as adults).

I was a nanny in NYC when I was younger. One of the little boys I took care of (he was 5 at the time) stole a pack of gum while we were in a store. He had asked for it and I had said no. It was only a day after Halloween and he had tons of candy at home. When I discovered what he had done we turned around and I made him bring the gum back. When he mumbled an apology I made him speak up. I told him in front of the clerk that if he was older he could go to jail for what he had done. By the time we got back to the apartment was he crying? Yup, just as he should have been. When I told his parents what he had done, we went a couple steps further. We threw out all his Halloween candy. His dad, a lawyer, was even more upset than me. He ended up taking the boys on a little field trip down to the police station so that they could see what it was like and to put a little exclamation point on the lesson. Did we all hug and kiss the little boy before he went to bed? Yes. Did that little boy turn into a wonderful young man who, to the best of my knowledge, has never stole anything again? Yes.

As a parent it's your job to teach the lessons. When the lessons are hard the technique has to be hard too.

 

[Dixie Luvr 98]

Believe me, I do know how you feel! Had nearly the exact same thing happen, but the damage was a lot worse before we caught it.

I hate this, and I don't think he even realizes how much it is breaking my heart!

Ouch! That literally had tears stinging my eyes! I know how that is. The feeling that you have been betrayed by your child and the breach of trust hurts down to your soul.

You have received some good advice and seem like a level-headed parent. You know your son best and are taking steps to deal with the matter.

Having been there, however, I would agree with the posters that say to come down hard. I am sure your son, like mine, has been raised to know how wrong his actions were, yet he did it anyway. He also went to a great deal of trouble to do it and then cover up his actions. These were real red flags for me.


Hang in there! Nip this thing in the bud.

 

[Dixie Luvr 98]

i'm probably an evil parent by some standards but i have zero tolerance for theft or deception so i would likely call the local district attny's office and just ask what the first level sentencing would be for this type of crime-then plan my punishment to suit the crime. in some states a first time offender can get up to $1000 in fines, restitution and 6 months in jail (or probation)

We actually did that. When it happened to us I bounced between livid and devastated. As my mom says, "If there's anything I hate worse than a liar it's a thief."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Anyone notice the ad that says...."Teach Your Kids to Control Their Spending" on this page.

How do they do that?

 

[alldiz]

The whole issue here is the trust....and he has broken this.

I would definately take the I-Pod back until he pays this debt back. This could be a VERY good lesson for him....and YOU. Even though he is 13....it is AMAZING how they still are at a loss with "consequences of action".

Even scarier now these kids are smart enough to cover tracks online
I would talk with him and make him understand that the money is nothing but you losing trust in him is the worst and he has to earn it back.
Good luck....sounds like you are a great parent
Kerri

 

[Evil Genius]

I would either sell the ipod or wait a until next birthday to give it to him.

He went into your private space and went through your property and stole your identity.

At this point the punishments you have in place are fine, but I wouldn't put a time limit on them, nor would the work he has to do to pay you back be work for you. He should be going outside the home looking for odd jobs to pay you back.

 

[GothTink]

I'd keep the iPod and make him pay me back. What he did is absolutely illegal, and I would want to drive that point home. If he wants another iPod, he can save up for it...after he pays me back.

 

[chrisw127]

I'd keep the iPod back until he pays you back and I would help him understand that he broke the law and what the punishments would have been if you hadn't been his mom. And while what he did wasn't right, between you and I, I commend his ingenuity; that's a lot of layers of complex thinking for a thirteen year old--he just nees to use his powers for good instead of evil! He sounds like a smart kid who made a mistake.

Good luck.

 

[RUDisney]

OP, I sent you a PM with a link to my thread about my 13 yo DS and his similar actions.

 

[Talking Hands]

Don't sell the I-pod. Use it yourself. I love my I-pod and use it all the time. Maybe in the future he can earn the right to another but only after he has paid off what he basically stole from you.

 

[lilmrsellis]

Thank you all SO MUCH!! You have given me some great advice....as usual on the DIS!
As of right now, I don't think I'm going to sell it. It is locked up, and I have the keys on me. I'm going to let my DH read this and tonight we'll discuss it more at lenght. It's weird....I was mad last night, but I think I'm more hurt about it than anything. Damn kid!
He did go to alot of trouble to make this happen, so I feel that I have to go to alot of trouble to make him repay me. I don't like the idea of just making him do extra chores. I want him to know what it's like to work hard for something, then have to give it up. I would LOVE to find a farm around the area and make him go shovel cow crap for a month, get paid for it, then have to hand the money over to me. I want him to know how serious and stupid this was.
The iPOD is gone indefinately. I will use it. I will use it in front of him. I will not feel bad about this. (i'll tell myself that over and over again!)
I went through the computers last night and they are all password protected now. He will not have any access to them without DH or I getting him on. He has no reason to be on the computer for anything. He will have NO privacy. I wanted to take the door off his bedroom, but DH said he would remove the lock today....I'm okay with that.

I'm just so disappointed. I hate this. I'm gonna go get ready for work and cry in the shower.
I'll update later tonight....thanks again ya'll!
oh...and thanks for the 's....they're greatly appreciated!

m

WOW! Were we sharing a brainwave? I was gonna say I'd take his door off and use the iPod myself (or tell him I sold it, but really hide it until I thought he had earned it back). I would also remove any nonessential items from his room. I mean right down to his Axe cologne . Also, I wouldn't let him off punishment until I believe he understands the weight of what he has done. to you.

 

[Mom2Nick]

I would keep the Ipod for now. Make him pay you back AND then some. I don't think it's enough that he has to earn back the money he spent. That's like saying it's ok to take $$ from me as long as you pay me back. He should pay you back that money and another $100 for punishment - THEN I would give him back the ipod - minus all the songs he bought illegally of course....

 

[lilmrsellis]

I would keep the Ipod for now. Make him pay you back AND then some. I don't think it's enough that he has to earn back the money he spent. That's like saying it's ok to take $$ from me as long as you pay me back. He should pay you back that money and another $100 for punishment - THEN I would give him back the ipod - minus all the songs he bought illegally of course....

Ooooo! I like the way your mind works!

 

[SHAYMARAYSMOM]

Here's one of those "What would you do" posts.

My son turned 13 at the end of August. He had a really good summer, and started off the school year well. He takes Taekwondo 3 nights a week, advanced from 1st degree green belt to 3 degree over the summer, and took 2 second place medals at his first competition.
Well, my DH & I decided to get him an iPOD touch for his birthday. Yes, I know...quite extreme for a 13 yr old, and it was not a decision I came to lightly. When we gave it to him, we gave him a $25.00 iTUNES card so he could download some music. I told him that he was not to download anything without our approval, and that is was not to go to school...EVER. He agreed without question. He cut the neighbors grass last week and earned $15.00 for doing it. I took him and got him another card....his money, no problem.

Now the problem.
I pulled up my e-mail tonight and there is an iTUNES receipt on there. It automatically goes to my e-mail address when there is a purchase. I looked at it and thought..."hmmm....he downloaded $40.00 worth of music and videos....wonder where he got the money." Last time I looked, he had $.20 on his account. After looking a little closer, I realized that he had used (what I thought was) my debit card. Well, after a little more research...and questioning....I found out that it was my credit card that was locked up in the firebox safe. (it's got a key lock.) After a little more investigating, I found out that he has access to my e-mail account and had gone in last night and deleted 2 other transaction receipts. Total spent - $110.00 just last night. (my husband and I went out for dinner for the first time in months and actually thought he was old enough to stay home alone...guess we were wrong!)
So, I've changed all the e-mail passwords and I have to find a way to block or change the iTUNES account.
I orginally told him that he had lost his phone, iPOD and all computer use for a month...and that he would have to find some kind of work to pay me back. That was when I thought he had used my debit card out of my purse and bought $40.00 worth of crap....now I've got the entire story....at least I hope so....and I really don't know what to do.
I'm SERIOUSLY thinking of selling the iPOD to teach him a major lesson. I'm extremely shocked that he did this! He's not a bad kid, and he's been testing his "teenage" limits lately, but I would have never dreamed he would do this. He actually had to go into my closet, get the safebox out, get the key, use it, and then put it all back....and to tell you honestly...I never saw anything moved around in my closet! I am going tomorrow to get a new door handle for our bedroom door, with a key lock. Also, DH is taking the handle off of his door and putting on one that doesn't lock. I told him that I was extremely disappointed in him...he wouldn't even look at me. I hate this, and I don't think he even realizes how much it is breaking my heart!

So....what would you do? Sell the iPOD, ground for a LONG time, what???

Thanks for listening....I'm going to bed now....my head hurts and I'm tired of thinking about it. I'll check back in the morning.

m

Sorry this happened. But did you ask him he took the CC?
I know when we set up my DD Itunes account we had to put in a CC in case you go over what you have on the account.
But I have also never gotten an email on downloads. Maybe he did it and did not know he downloaded them. I have done that myself.
I think you and DH need to sit and talk to him and find out. The whole story.
Like others have said do not sell the IPod

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

Great advice given here and I don't have anything to add but hugs to you.

 

[klynn]

I personally believe in tough love and I would do what ever I could to help prevent the stealing and lying from escalating. If anyone stole my credit card from me I would call the police. I don't care who it was, even my son. I'm not saying I would press charges, I would do it to work something out with the police so they could help show him where a life a crime can lead.

I would also inform his Tae Kwon Do instructor. Does your son's Tae Kwon Do school follow a code of ethics? I know in my son's Tae Kwon School they must follow a code of ethics in and out of class. The instructor has told parents that if the code is not followed outside of class he needs to know. They would not be able to participate in the next test.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I really feel for you.

 

[Jennasis]

1.Well I like the idea of taking his door off the hinges. He broke your trust and therefor cannot be trusted to be alone in his room.

2. The only time I would allow him to be in his doorless room would be for homework (if he has a desk) and sleeping.

3. If no desk exists for homework in the bedroom, he should do it at the kitchen table.

4. Wake up go to school, come home, do homework, eat, go to bed. Any spare time should be spent working to repay his debt plus punitive damages. I'd tack on an extra $100+ bucks for the aggravation.

5. No cell phone, no tv, no video games. MAYBE a book.

6. I'd keep the ipod and use it all the time, right in front of him. In fact, I'd bedazzle it with a sparkly jewel kit too, so that he couldn't use it anymore even if he wanted to.

7. No time limit on the punishment. however long it takes to repay the debt + damages AND regain your trust, so be it.

 

[Evil Genius]

1.Well I like the idea of taking his door off the hinges. He broke your trust and therefor cannot be trusted to be alone in his room.

2. The only time I would allow him to be in his doorless room would be for homework (if he has a desk) and sleeping.

3. If no desk exists for homework in the bedroom, he should do it at the kitchen table.

4. Wake up go to school, come home, do homework, eat, go to bed. Any spare time should be spent working to repay his debt plus punitive damages. I'd tack on an extra $100+ bucks for the aggravation.

5. No cell phone, no tv, no video games. MAYBE a book.

6. I'd keep the ipod and use it all the time, right in front of him. In fact, I'd bedazzle it with a sparkly jewel kit too, so that he couldn't use it anymore even if he wanted to.

7. No time limit on the punishment. however long it takes to repay the debt + damages AND regain your trust, so be it.

I'm sorry this made me laugh. It sounds like something I'd do.