13 yr old grounded for life-20 months later~post 258!!

[kmp1191]

Still can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I posted this~~wow~time sure does fly!!
Feel free to read this original post~my update is post 258~~

Thanks again for making me laugh back then~~I really needed it!!




Here's one of those "What would you do" posts.

My son turned 13 at the end of August. He had a really good summer, and started off the school year well. He takes Taekwondo 3 nights a week, advanced from 1st degree green belt to 3 degree over the summer, and took 2 second place medals at his first competition.
Well, my DH & I decided to get him an iPOD touch for his birthday. Yes, I know...quite extreme for a 13 yr old, and it was not a decision I came to lightly. When we gave it to him, we gave him a $25.00 iTUNES card so he could download some music. I told him that he was not to download anything without our approval, and that is was not to go to school...EVER. He agreed without question. He cut the neighbors grass last week and earned $15.00 for doing it. I took him and got him another card....his money, no problem.

Now the problem.
I pulled up my e-mail tonight and there is an iTUNES receipt on there. It automatically goes to my e-mail address when there is a purchase. I looked at it and thought..."hmmm....he downloaded $40.00 worth of music and videos....wonder where he got the money." Last time I looked, he had $.20 on his account. After looking a little closer, I realized that he had used (what I thought was) my debit card. Well, after a little more research...and questioning....I found out that it was my credit card that was locked up in the firebox safe. (it's got a key lock.) After a little more investigating, I found out that he has access to my e-mail account and had gone in last night and deleted 2 other transaction receipts. Total spent - $110.00 just last night. (my husband and I went out for dinner for the first time in months and actually thought he was old enough to stay home alone...guess we were wrong!)
So, I've changed all the e-mail passwords and I have to find a way to block or change the iTUNES account.
I orginally told him that he had lost his phone, iPOD and all computer use for a month...and that he would have to find some kind of work to pay me back. That was when I thought he had used my debit card out of my purse and bought $40.00 worth of crap....now I've got the entire story....at least I hope so....and I really don't know what to do.
I'm SERIOUSLY thinking of selling the iPOD to teach him a major lesson. I'm extremely shocked that he did this! He's not a bad kid, and he's been testing his "teenage" limits lately, but I would have never dreamed he would do this. He actually had to go into my closet, get the safebox out, get the key, use it, and then put it all back....and to tell you honestly...I never saw anything moved around in my closet! I am going tomorrow to get a new door handle for our bedroom door, with a key lock. Also, DH is taking the handle off of his door and putting on one that doesn't lock. I told him that I was extremely disappointed in him...he wouldn't even look at me. I hate this, and I don't think he even realizes how much it is breaking my heart!

So....what would you do? Sell the iPOD, ground for a LONG time, what???

Thanks for listening....I'm going to bed now....my head hurts and I'm tired of thinking about it. I'll check back in the morning.

m

 

[rie'smom]

I'd keep the iPod for awhile. If you sell it you won't get your money back anyway. You've punished him. See if he will have learned a lesson. Give it back after he repays you. If anything like this happens again, show him no mercy-give it away, sell it, whatever, but he has to be there and see the person pick it up and take it with them.

 

[bluerendezvous]

Sounds like you're on the right track to me!

 

[TLSnell1981]

I wouldn't sell the iPOD. I think I'd keep it for myself. All kidding aside. Good kids do stupid things. Whatever you do......wait until you cool down before making a final decision. I think, it's a given he's grounded from the computer and the iPOD. Also, he does need to repay every penny....plus interest. The breach of trust is the most serious offense.IMO I think I would hammer that one home.... pretty hard. Good luck! I have four children. They are grown...whew! The teen years can be very trying.

 

[LadyZolt]

Wow, that's a real bummer after he did so well all summer! It seems like he got obsessed with the iPod, so maybe selling it isn't the best solution. I would hold it for a while and really think about the ramifications of that, but I wouldn't let him have it. Maybe in six months or so, if he proves himself to be trustworthy again, I'd give it to him then. In the meantime, I would make him pay back the money he spent on iTunes and would make it clear to him that what he did is actually illegal and if he does it again, I wouldn't hesitate to notify the police. I agree with taking the lock off of his door. He should have no expectation of privacy -- that's something he'll have to earn back. I would limit his computer use as much as possible and also limit what he can do in his free time. Again, he has to pay back the money -- maybe you can charge him interest at the same rate as your credit card company would charge it, something like that.

Let me assure you that your child isn't the only one to do weird things in his teen years. When my son was a freshman, he hacked into the school's computer and deleted all the test scores for one class and then lied his head off and said he didn't do it when everyone involved knows that he did. The school did notify the police in addition to notifying us as his parents. We took his computer away from him for four months and he said, and I quote, "That computer is my sole reason for living. If I can't have my computer, I don't even want to live!" Boo hoo -- poor guy! He lived -- and learned a valuable lesson, so far as I know. This was five years ago and now he's a college student majoring in computer science and has kept himself clean, so I think the incident and his punishment taught him how serious his actions really were even though to him at the time, they didn't seem to be all that serious. I think your son, too, will realize one day that what he did is pretty serious. Good luck with him and hang in there. You sound like you're a concerned and loving parent.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[JessicaR]

I honestly don't know what I would do but I do want to give you a hug. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It is so not easy being a parent sometimes. Wishing you strength and patience to get through it.

 

[famofsix]

Here's one of those "What would you do" posts.

My son turned 13 at the end of August. He had a really good summer, and started off the school year well. He takes Taekwondo 3 nights a week, advanced from 1st degree green belt to 3 degree over the summer, and took 2 second place medals at his first competition.
Well, my DH & I decided to get him an iPOD touch for his birthday. Yes, I know...quite extreme for a 13 yr old, and it was not a decision I came to lightly. When we gave it to him, we gave him a $25.00 iTUNES card so he could download some music. I told him that he was not to download anything without our approval, and that is was not to go to school...EVER. He agreed without question. He cut the neighbors grass last week and earned $15.00 for doing it. I took him and got him another card....his money, no problem.

Now the problem.
I pulled up my e-mail tonight and there is an iTUNES receipt on there. It automatically goes to my e-mail address when there is a purchase. I looked at it and thought..."hmmm....he downloaded $40.00 worth of music and videos....wonder where he got the money." Last time I looked, he had $.20 on his account. After looking a little closer, I realized that he had used (what I thought was) my debit card. Well, after a little more research...and questioning....I found out that it was my credit card that was locked up in the firebox safe. (it's got a key lock.) After a little more investigating, I found out that he has access to my e-mail account and had gone in last night and deleted 2 other transaction receipts. Total spent - $110.00 just last night. (my husband and I went out for dinner for the first time in months and actually thought he was old enough to stay home alone...guess we were wrong!)
So, I've changed all the e-mail passwords and I have to find a way to block or change the iTUNES account.
I orginally told him that he had lost his phone, iPOD and all computer use for a month...and that he would have to find some kind of work to pay me back. That was when I thought he had used my debit card out of my purse and bought $40.00 worth of crap....now I've got the entire story....at least I hope so....and I really don't know what to do.
I'm SERIOUSLY thinking of selling the iPOD to teach him a major lesson. I'm extremely shocked that he did this! He's not a bad kid, and he's been testing his "teenage" limits lately, but I would have never dreamed he would do this. He actually had to go into my closet, get the safebox out, get the key, use it, and then put it all back....and to tell you honestly...I never saw anything moved around in my closet! I am going tomorrow to get a new door handle for our bedroom door, with a key lock. Also, DH is taking the handle off of his door and putting on one that doesn't lock. I told him that I was extremely disappointed in him...he wouldn't even look at me. I hate this, and I don't think he even realizes how much it is breaking my heart!

So....what would you do? Sell the iPOD, ground for a LONG time, what???

Thanks for listening....I'm going to bed now....my head hurts and I'm tired of thinking about it. I'll check back in the morning.

m

I would stick with the original punishment except that he doesn't get the ipod back until he repays the stolen money.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

I agree with the pps - hold on the ipod for a while. You will never want to buy another one and you will never get your money back on this one.

Follow through with what you have said so far and see how you feel in a month.

 

[PlainJane]

I'd keep the iPod, but that doesn't mean it's the right answer.

Since he actually stole money from you, I would make the punishment longer than a month, two at the least. This wasn't a stupid "mistake", he had to go to a lot of trouble to do this.

 

[Goofyluver]

Oh.

I think you're doing the right thing. We all know who have kids this age that a month without the phone, iPod, etc. will be torture to him.

I would also say that he can't get the iPod back until he works off his charges.

And working it off for me wouldn't be doing anything that he is "normally" required to do.

When my DS gets in trouble...and he one time had to pay me some money for being careless with one of my belongings and breaking it after I told him to cut it out...I make him do "extra" things.

He had to clean out the garage. He had to clean toilets.

Good luck. The hardest thing being a mommy is to follow through. I always say...we punish ourselves right along with them.

 

[Buckalew11]

What he did was so wrong, so deceitful and so sneaky, I'd be punishing him severely. I'd make sure this is a lesson he'll learn and remember.
I'm sure he is a good kid and good kids screw up but you said yourself he is testing the limits lately. I'd make sure he is very clear on those limits and not move the line in the sand!

I would not sell the iPod either. I'd hang onto it and give it back to him sometime in the distant future.

 

[MossMan]

The perfect teachable moment.

Sell the Ipod. Hopefully you can sell it to another 13 year old. Make sure he or she gets a good deal. Sell it and don't look back. Sell it without remorse.

Grounding works for some kids, for others it just drives everyone crazy. Grounding a kid well is a fairly difficult thing to do.

But selling an Ipod is easy and a very effective punishment.

 

[DisneyBride'03]

You received great suggestions here!
Just perhaps keep in mind, while this is no laughing matter, there are 13 year olds doing "other" things that are worse....just trying to help!

 

[HunnyPots]

I don't know... he had to put some serious thought into pulling all this off. That's a little more than getting carried away with the Ipod. He stole your credit card and accessed your personal email account to cover his trail. I don't think losing it for a month is harsh enough. I'd take it forever and he'd be doing some hard labor until I felt he'd paid me back and learned his lesson. I fear if you go easy on him this time you'll regret it down the road...

 

[shortbun]

Take the IPOD until he earns the money to repay you - AT LEAST and limit access to the computer for school functions for this year. He should REALLY earn the money-not just chores around the house, manual labor for others. Also, no time at home alone. No special privileges, advise his Taikwondo sensei about what's happened and ask for their assistance. I am the parent of a 13yo boy and I'd be sure that the consequences for this are long and lasting. He has to earn your trust but not your love. Remember that he will need your support to learn this lesson and you will be sacrificing right along with him. Remind him of his successes, catch him doing good things while he repents and does his repayment. He needs to be sure he can turn this around, no matter how long it takes BUT it needs to be HIS responsibility to figure out how to repay you-not yours. My first statement to him would be, "the IPOD belongs to me now." I might keep it for a year.

 

[CookieGVB]

Stick with whatever punishment you gave him, and that iPod would not be returning to him for quite some time - until after the money had been repaid, and more money had been earned towards whatever other downloads he wanted.

My son went overboard with texting, after I told him several times that I thought texting was a "toy" that he could do without - especially since he has a computer! I wanted him to wait until he had a job and could pay for the additional charge to the cell phone service. Of course, he went ahead and there were well over 500 texts one month - he hasn't seen the cell phone since then. I refuse to return it to him until he has a job where he can pay for texting. Harsh? Maybe...but there's no way I'm paying for him to chat with his friends, when he's probably not supposed to (in school, band practice, etc.), ESPECIALLY since he IM's them on the computer!

Good luck.

 

[Russian-in-Kansas]

Well the iPod was a birthday present so I wouldn't sell it of keep it, that's wrong IMO. I would try to find out why he felt he needed to steal from his own parents and have him work off his debts. Definitely a loss of priveledges for a while is in order.

 

[coolshannie]

Coming from a good teenager who has made some poor choices... Don't sell the iPod. Make him work off the money through chores or some other form, I'm not sure how much you can actually do for actual money at 13? But whatever he can do to work it off make him do it. As you said that he is a good kid so I am sure he gets good grades, if he works off the money and isn't being lazy with his school work I would give him back the ipod, but not allow him to buy anything on itunes. Another wonderful solution to itunes is limewire which is free and you can pretty much find any song you want on there. I've made stupid choices, my parents always let me know they are disappointed in me but they love me very much and realize that I made a mistake. This doesn't exactly compare as I wasn't stealing money from my parents, but earlier this summer when I was backing out of the bank parking lot I wrongfully answered my phone as it started ringing, even though I KNOW I am not under any circumstances supposed to answer my phone while I am driving. I ended up backing up into a truck, granted he was illegally parked, but it was all my fault nonetheless. I smashed his whole door in and I felt horrible. I am pretty sure your son feels horrible for what he did right now too. My parents weren't mad at me, they realized I made a mistake and thats life. I had to do a lot around the house and had to pay the price by not being allowed to drive anywhere but to work and school and home, but it was an eye opener to me to pay attention and to follow my parents rules. I am pretty sure this was an eye opener for him too. Maybe show him how much 100 dollars really is? I know I really took for granite how much a dollar was worth until I worked for it.

 

[Amlee]

I wouldn't sell the IPOD. I would put my favorite songs on it and use that bad boy.

I also would set his punishment with no time limit. It would be based on how long it took him to pay me back and his behavior.

I also wouldn't be worrying about blocking Itunes, because there would be NO COMPUTER since it was used as a tool in al of this. If he needs it for homework, then that would be all it was there for.

I'm all for Dr. Phils bedroom idea. There would be NOTHING but what was needed. Bed, dresser, desk.

 

[kmp1191]

Thank you all SO MUCH!! You have given me some great advice....as usual on the DIS!
As of right now, I don't think I'm going to sell it. It is locked up, and I have the keys on me. I'm going to let my DH read this and tonight we'll discuss it more at lenght. It's weird....I was mad last night, but I think I'm more hurt about it than anything. Damn kid!
He did go to alot of trouble to make this happen, so I feel that I have to go to alot of trouble to make him repay me. I don't like the idea of just making him do extra chores. I want him to know what it's like to work hard for something, then have to give it up. I would LOVE to find a farm around the area and make him go shovel cow crap for a month, get paid for it, then have to hand the money over to me. I want him to know how serious and stupid this was.
The iPOD is gone indefinately. I will use it. I will use it in front of him. I will not feel bad about this. (i'll tell myself that over and over again!)
I went through the computers last night and they are all password protected now. He will not have any access to them without DH or I getting him on. He has no reason to be on the computer for anything. He will have NO privacy. I wanted to take the door off his bedroom, but DH said he would remove the lock today....I'm okay with that.

I'm just so disappointed. I hate this. I'm gonna go get ready for work and cry in the shower.
I'll update later tonight....thanks again ya'll!
oh...and thanks for the 's....they're greatly appreciated!

m