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- Thread starter C.Ann
- Start date
I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you about your mom. I just wanted to say that you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself. You are one incredible person!!!! 
so very sorry for your loss.
as far as your mom goes, call the social services agency in the county your mom resides and ask for adult or elder services. they can refer you to either very reputable elder law attns. who may offer this service or discuss the process of getting a court appointed financial guardian. my mom, while still able to handle the bulk of her own financial concerns has found that it is not impossible for an out of state adult child to handle the major issues. her accounts are set up with a national bank that my out of state brother can access localy, via the internet or when he visits. her social security and pension are direct deposited so she does not have to go physicaly to the bank. since your mom is in nursing care i imagine they order/provide her meds so this would not be a major problem.
i think the key issue will be who the nursing center will contact in cases of medical need-perhaps there could be one sibling who handles minor issues (such as calling social security or her med insurance company if needed), and another that would handle any major issues that come up (those that would involve physical travel to the facility).
i'm actualy somewhat relieved that your mom took the reaction she did, i think it will be much easier for her if she is as unaware of the circumstances as possible. i've had friends who have had to share the news of a sib's death with an elderly parent and they shared that it was the most devistating thing they've ever done.
prayers to you and yours.
as far as your mom goes, call the social services agency in the county your mom resides and ask for adult or elder services. they can refer you to either very reputable elder law attns. who may offer this service or discuss the process of getting a court appointed financial guardian. my mom, while still able to handle the bulk of her own financial concerns has found that it is not impossible for an out of state adult child to handle the major issues. her accounts are set up with a national bank that my out of state brother can access localy, via the internet or when he visits. her social security and pension are direct deposited so she does not have to go physicaly to the bank. since your mom is in nursing care i imagine they order/provide her meds so this would not be a major problem.
i think the key issue will be who the nursing center will contact in cases of medical need-perhaps there could be one sibling who handles minor issues (such as calling social security or her med insurance company if needed), and another that would handle any major issues that come up (those that would involve physical travel to the facility).
i'm actualy somewhat relieved that your mom took the reaction she did, i think it will be much easier for her if she is as unaware of the circumstances as possible. i've had friends who have had to share the news of a sib's death with an elderly parent and they shared that it was the most devistating thing they've ever done.
prayers to you and yours.
I'm not sure what your mom's condition is, but you said she was in an Alzheimers unit at the nursing home, so she must have some dementia. If that's true - don't tell her. You would just upset her, and she won't remember, long term, anyway.
I've had some nursing experience in dementia and that would be what I would do.
As for the guardianship of your mother - that's a tough one. I would say it's best to have her in a nursing facility where family can drop in and keep an eye on her, but moving could be tough on her. There should be social workers at the nursing home who can advise you.
So sorry for your loss.
I've had some nursing experience in dementia and that would be what I would do.
As for the guardianship of your mother - that's a tough one. I would say it's best to have her in a nursing facility where family can drop in and keep an eye on her, but moving could be tough on her. There should be social workers at the nursing home who can advise you.
So sorry for your loss.
chell
Mushu's Best Friend
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The social services call is a wonderful idea.
C.Ann I just wanted more than anything to give you a
and let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Bunches of hugs and prayers to you and your family.
My grandmother has Alzheimer's and it really is difficult relating the death of a loved one to them. Mom (that is what we call my grandmother) still forgets that her husband passed away in '99 and she forgets that Junior is gone as well.
C.Ann I just wanted more than anything to give you a
and let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Bunches of hugs and prayers to you and your family.My grandmother has Alzheimer's and it really is difficult relating the death of a loved one to them. Mom (that is what we call my grandmother) still forgets that her husband passed away in '99 and she forgets that Junior is gone as well.
arminnie
<font color=blue>Tossed the butter kept the gin<br
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barkley said:
Again I am so sorry for ALL that you are having to deal with. You must be the strongest person that I know.
Another possible resource might be AARP. My college roommate became an attorney and worked for AARP for many years. I know she traveled around the country and worked with elder care issues - particularly with guardianship issues.
I don't know exactly what services AARP might offer, but that might be another place to help.
MrsToad
<a href="http://www.wdwinfo.com/dis-sponsor/" targ
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I'm so sorry you are going through this.
As a previous poster noted, I also want to assure you that it is possible to handle someone's financial affairs and medical care from a distance. For the last 3 years, per her wishes, my DH has had Power Of Attorney for his 97-year old grandmother, who now also has Alzheimers. She had to move into a nursing home after two separate falls that resulted in two broken bones. We live in CT and she lives in NJ. We wish she were closer to us, however, she has a retired son in NJ that wants to visit her frequently; it is easier for us to drive to NJ than it would be for him to drive to CT if she were here.
When she moved into assisted living, and then the nursing home, we filed change of address forms for all bills (such as insurance premiums), and other concerns, so that her mail would come to our address. The nursing home and all of her doctors have our contact information. When his grandmother took her second fall, we received a call from the hospital that she would need surgery; DH was able to give verbal consent to two RNs, and surgery got underway while we drove down. We do get updates from the facility nurses on a regular basis, and they are the main point of contact with the doctors. When a decision needs to be made on her plan of care, we are in contact with the doctors and fax authorization forms, if needed. Though we visit every two weeks, on average, and feel this isn't the ideal arrangement, it is the best we can do under the circumstances and we are making it work.
There is no one correct way to handle such issues; each family must find the best way for them and then not let anyone on the outside make them regret their decision.
Please take care of yourself; it is easy to overlook ones own state of being in trying times.
As a previous poster noted, I also want to assure you that it is possible to handle someone's financial affairs and medical care from a distance. For the last 3 years, per her wishes, my DH has had Power Of Attorney for his 97-year old grandmother, who now also has Alzheimers. She had to move into a nursing home after two separate falls that resulted in two broken bones. We live in CT and she lives in NJ. We wish she were closer to us, however, she has a retired son in NJ that wants to visit her frequently; it is easier for us to drive to NJ than it would be for him to drive to CT if she were here.
When she moved into assisted living, and then the nursing home, we filed change of address forms for all bills (such as insurance premiums), and other concerns, so that her mail would come to our address. The nursing home and all of her doctors have our contact information. When his grandmother took her second fall, we received a call from the hospital that she would need surgery; DH was able to give verbal consent to two RNs, and surgery got underway while we drove down. We do get updates from the facility nurses on a regular basis, and they are the main point of contact with the doctors. When a decision needs to be made on her plan of care, we are in contact with the doctors and fax authorization forms, if needed. Though we visit every two weeks, on average, and feel this isn't the ideal arrangement, it is the best we can do under the circumstances and we are making it work.
There is no one correct way to handle such issues; each family must find the best way for them and then not let anyone on the outside make them regret their decision.
Please take care of yourself; it is easy to overlook ones own state of being in trying times.
arminnie
<font color=blue>Tossed the butter kept the gin<br
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C.Ann said:
One of my aunts died in her 60s. My grandfather was about 90 at the time. He was not suffering from dementia at all, but he personally chose not to attend her funeral. He was weak from surgery and had already buried two of his children. No one thought lesser of him for not being there.
I think it would be cruel to make your mother attend.
Buckalew11
2013 1/2 Marathon Finisher!!! Woohoo!!
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When my Uncle died my grandfather (his father) had alzheimers (sp). Several people told him about his son dying. And every single time, he cried like he'd never heard it before. It was heartbreaking.
I hope she has forgotten and no one will mention it again.
I am sorry for the loss of your dear brother. I wish you luck in dealing with your mom and everything, C.Ann.
I hope she has forgotten and no one will mention it again.
I am sorry for the loss of your dear brother. I wish you luck in dealing with your mom and everything, C.Ann.
DMRick
I prefer to be tagless!
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I think you have enough on your plate. As you know I take care of my elderly friend. There is a lot to it way beyond the finances. Do you really want to take on the stress? I get calls at 5 am saying my little old lady is on her way to the hospital, can I please meet her there, or she has fallen, can I come up right away. And she's in good shape! Yesterday the call was that the insurance company didn't pay for her meds, so the meds she needs on Friday, won't be delivered. 14 phone calls later, her meds will be on the way in the morning. Now I'm up working at 12 o'clock because I spent the day dealing with this..and it can't be pushed aside. It has to be done when it has to be done.
While this is your mom, and you would want to be with her..dealing by yourself IMO isn't a good idea. I've had a dad with Alziemers, and it was hard. When she is confused and very agitated, you may be called. It's amazing all the times the nursing homes call. Especially in our area, since so many have had serious problems, and they want to cover themselves. I think you really ought to think about this very thoroughly. Since you will be spending a good part of the winter in Florida (and if you are her caretaker, would you be able to even leave? Your daughter has a lot on her plate too, so it would be hard for her to stand in for you for months), I would strongly suggest you guys move your mom to Florida. In her shape, she prob won't realize it, once it's over, and your two siblings are there and you will be for part of the year..and you can visit other times.
Please don't offer to take this on right away. Think long and hard about it. You have had so much going on..you don't want to end up in the room next door to her.
By the way..as someone said in another post, my dad was the same way. Each time he found out my mom was gone, he grieved hard, all over again.
While this is your mom, and you would want to be with her..dealing by yourself IMO isn't a good idea. I've had a dad with Alziemers, and it was hard. When she is confused and very agitated, you may be called. It's amazing all the times the nursing homes call. Especially in our area, since so many have had serious problems, and they want to cover themselves. I think you really ought to think about this very thoroughly. Since you will be spending a good part of the winter in Florida (and if you are her caretaker, would you be able to even leave? Your daughter has a lot on her plate too, so it would be hard for her to stand in for you for months), I would strongly suggest you guys move your mom to Florida. In her shape, she prob won't realize it, once it's over, and your two siblings are there and you will be for part of the year..and you can visit other times.
Please don't offer to take this on right away. Think long and hard about it. You have had so much going on..you don't want to end up in the room next door to her.
By the way..as someone said in another post, my dad was the same way. Each time he found out my mom was gone, he grieved hard, all over again.
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