09/18/11 - DVCers Take Over the Dream (S.S. Member Cruise 2011) - Thread #7

[friends with mickey]

Could it be Karen?

 

[friends with mickey]

Or maybe Mickey.

 

[calypso726]

Today part of my world fell apart and I had to say goodbye to a piece of my heart and soul. I knew today was coming but I never thought it would be today. I thought I had more time. The signs were there but it hurt too much to see what was coming. Maybe if I didn’t prepare, maybe if I didn’t say it out loud, maybe if I didn’t look beyond today, then maybe the today I’m in wouldn’t come. It’s here but I am still not ready. I couldn’t watch him not eat another day, I would not let him suffer the indignity of waking up in his own waste, once was enough, I couldn’t pretend that he was unable to get up, I couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t collapsing when he tried, I couldn’t not see that his gums were white and his eyes were glazed, I couldn’t not hear that breathing had become a chore for him. A phone call was made, I heard myself tell them I was coming with him and it was time. The voice inside my head says, No. I’m not ready, it can’t be today. Today wasn’t supposed to come.

Disney was never just a dog. Those who knew Disney well and spent time with him already know that there has always been something truly unique about him, something you can’t quite put your finger on, it can’t exactly be described, but you feel it, you sense it, with that part of you that knows there are things we can’t explain, that we are all connected, that there are no coincidences and that the universe will speak to you if you stop and listen. Disney spoke to those who would listen and could see beyond what your eyes told you. Sometimes it was him doing the talking and sometimes it was the universe doing it for him. Sometimes it was his love, understanding and compassion that went beyond what any dog’s should. Sometimes it was his stubborn nature because he was more than just a dog and refused to be treated as such. Sometimes it was his ego and the arrogance that came with it because someone dared not to see what was before them. Today, the day that wasn’t supposed to come, was no different in that respect.

Before I explain, let me back track a bit here. I believe Disney was meant to be with me no matter what. Disney was born in 1999. Savage Garden’s song with the lyrics “I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life” has always been my song for him and it too was “born in 1999.” Disney was supposed to be a Standard Poodle. That was what I wanted. But, I wanted to show and really didn’t want to deal with those type of grooming requirements so I decided on a Golden and Disney was born a Golden instead. He never really acted like a Golden though at least not like any of the ones I have known. After Disney spent some time away showing with pro handler that also breeds Standard Poodles but shows all breeds I found out why. She told me that Disney does not act like or think like a Golden at all and that if she didn’t know any better she’d swear he was a Poodle. Funny I thought, he was supposed to be one initially. Fast forward to the point where I’ve decided I no longer want to show or breed and have cut back. I’m down to senior aged dogs. I know one day I am going to lose them and knowing that Disney has always been my heart and soul, I know too, that I would never bring another Golden into my life once he is gone. Since I know I will not show or breed again, I decide I will have my Standard Poodle, after all, when the time comes. I tell Disney this of course. I tell him there will come a time when we must part but that I believe he can come back to me if he chooses too. I tell him that I’d like it if he came back a Standard Poodle. I show him with my mind and heart what I mean, and I hope he understands and I wonder if he does.

Fast forward a year later to today, the day that isn’t supposed to come, the day I’m still not ready for and don’t want to face. The part of me that can function when my whole world is crashing down around me has pushed everything else that makes me who I am to the side. I let her. I know she can handle this, I sure as hell can’t. She tells Wally that Disney’s time has come and that he needs to say goodbye. She asks him to do this alone because she won’t let me see him cry, not yet, that would break us both and she has things to do now and she can only hold me back for so long. She's the one that makes the phone call while I’m screaming inside my head. She's the one that drives to the vet while I shake uncontrollably and insist this isn’t happening. Once we arrive it’s ok for me to come back. I need to say goodbye to him, to tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me and how happy he made me and how sorry I am that our time together has come to an end. I ask him to please come back to me, I need more time. I tell him I love him one last time and then he is gone. I let the grief pour from me, hoping the waves of nausea will abate soon, that the constriction inside my chest will ease up because I can't breathe. Once I am spent and back under some semblance of control I get ready to leave. My vet then asks me to turn around and says there is something I need to see. I turn around to see a man standing with a Standard Poodle at his side. He is holding a laundry basket of newly born poodle puppies. I don’t know where it comes from, but I smile and start to laugh. Distantly, a part of me was sure that my smiles and laughter were gone with Disney’s last breath. But here I am laughing and smiling over a litter of Standard Poodle puppies. The universe has spoken on Disney’s behalf … how typical.

I’m not sure how I am supposed to live in a world where a dog who lives to amuse himself, so certain that the world revolves around him, is not there by my side. I owe him so much and even if I had an eternity, it would not be enough time to say thank you. He gave me so much and even if my heart wasn’t torn to pieces I know that I could never measure up.

I am not ready to deal with this. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Today wasn’t supposed to come.

 

[friends with mickey]

Won't be Wally, or will it?

 

[friends with mickey]

I am not ready to deal with this. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Today wasn’t supposed to come.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR][/QUOTE]

The good news is that the sun will come out tomorrow, and tomorrow will be here soon

 

[friends with mickey]

Now back to our regularly scheduled prize run.

 

[friends with mickey]

Could one of the many Potters claim one?

 

[friends with mickey]

Where is Hoosier John?

 

[friends with mickey]

And Andy always wants a Pirate.

 

[friends with mickey]

We will know in the next 10 posts...stay tuned.

 

[TIGGERmetoo]

Today wasn’t supposed to come.

Terrie - I am so sorry. I wish I could say something that would help but there are no words - just time. Your story was beautifully written.

 

[calypso726]

The good news is that the sun will come out tomorrow, and tomorrow will be here soon

Now back to our regularly scheduled prize run.

Wow, that was cold. I truly hope you never experience that level of callousness when you are grieving.

 

[friends with mickey]

I bet the lurkers are already preparing their posts.

 

[calypso726]

Terrie - I am so sorry. I wish I could say something that would help but there are no words - just time. Your story was beautifully written.

Thank you Terri. Wally and I appreciate your kind words and sentiment.

 

[friends with mickey]

Wow, that was cold. I truly hope you never experience that level of callousness when you are grieving.

I am so very sorry. I truly did not mean to cause any bad feelings.

 

[DizDragonfly]

Oh Terry!!! I'm so sorry for your loss! I've been there before and it's gut wrenching. You and Wally will be in my prayers tonight!

 

[M & N Potter]

Today part of my world fell apart and I had to say goodbye to a piece of my heart and soul. I knew today was coming but I never thought it would be today. I thought I had more time. The signs were there but it hurt too much to see what was coming. Maybe if I didn’t prepare, maybe if I didn’t say it out loud, maybe if I didn’t look beyond today, then maybe the today I’m in wouldn’t come. It’s here but I am still not ready. I couldn’t watch him not eat another day, I would not let him suffer the indignity of waking up in his own waste, once was enough, I couldn’t pretend that he was unable to get up, I couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t collapsing when he tried, I couldn’t not see that his gums were white and his eyes were glazed, I couldn’t not hear that breathing had become a chore for him. A phone call was made, I heard myself tell them I was coming with him and it was time. The voice inside my head says, No. I’m not ready, it can’t be today. Today wasn’t supposed to come.


Disney was never just a dog. Those who knew Disney well and spent time with him already know that there has always been something truly unique about him, something you can’t quite put your finger on, it can’t exactly be described, but you feel it, you sense it, with that part of you that knows there are things we can’t explain, that we are all connected, that there are no coincidences and that the universe will speak to you if you stop and listen. Disney spoke to those who would listen and could see beyond what your eyes told you. Sometimes it was him doing the talking and sometimes it was the universe doing it for him. Sometimes it was his love, understanding and compassion that went beyond what any dog’s should. Sometimes it was his stubborn nature because he was more than just a dog and refused to be treated as such. Sometimes it was his ego and the arrogance that came with it because someone dared not to see what was before them. Today, the day that wasn’t supposed to come, was no different in that respect.

Before I explain, let me back track a bit here. I believe Disney was meant to be with me no matter what. Disney was born in 1999. Savage Garden’s song with the lyrics “I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life” has always been my song for him and it too was “born in 1999.” Disney was supposed to be a Standard Poodle. That was what I wanted. But, I wanted to show and really didn’t want to deal with those type of grooming requirements so I decided on a Golden and Disney was born a Golden instead. He never really acted like a Golden though at least not like any of the ones I have known. After Disney spent some time away showing with pro handler that also breeds Standard Poodles but shows all breeds I found out why. She told me that Disney does not act like or think like a Golden at all and that if she didn’t know any better she’d swear he was a Poodle. Funny I thought, he was supposed to be one initially. Fast forward to the point where I’ve decided I no longer want to show or breed and have cut back. I’m down to senior aged dogs. I know one day I am going to lose them and knowing that Disney has always been my heart and soul, I know too, that I would never bring another Golden into my life once he is gone. Since I know I will not show or breed again, I decide I will have my Standard Poodle, after all, when the time comes. I tell Disney this of course. I tell him there will come a time when we must part but that I believe he can come back to me if he chooses too. I tell him that I’d like it if he came back a Standard Poodle. I show him with my mind and heart what I mean, and I hope he understands and I wonder if he does.

Fast forward a year later to today, the day that isn’t supposed to come, the day I’m still not ready for and don’t want to face. The part of me that can function when my whole world is crashing down around me has pushed everything else that makes me who I am to the side. I let her. I know she can handle this, I sure as hell can’t. She tells Wally that Disney’s time has come and that he needs to say goodbye. She asks him to do this alone because she won’t let me see him cry, not yet, that would break us both and she has things to do now and she can only hold me back for so long. She's the one that makes the phone call while I’m screaming inside my head. She's the one that drives to the vet while I shake uncontrollably and insist this isn’t happening. Once we arrive it’s ok for me to come back. I need to say goodbye to him, to tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me and how happy he made me and how sorry I am that our time together has come to an end. I ask him to please come back to me, I need more time. I tell him I love him one last time and then he is gone. I let the grief pour from me, hoping the waves of nausea will abate soon, that the constriction inside my chest will ease up because I can't breathe. Once I am spent and back under some semblance of control I get ready to leave. My vet then asks me to turn around and says there is something I need to see. I turn around to see a man standing with a Standard Poodle at his side. He is holding a laundry basket of newly born poodle puppies. I don’t know where it comes from, but I smile and start to laugh. Distantly, a part of me was sure that my smiles and laughter were gone with Disney’s last breath. But here I am laughing and smiling over a litter of Standard Poodle puppies. The universe has spoken on Disney’s behalf … how typical.

I’m not sure how I am supposed to live in a world where a dog who lives to amuse himself, so certain that the world revolves around him, is not there by my side. I owe him so much and even if I had an eternity, it would not be enough time to say thank you. He gave me so much and even if my heart wasn’t torn to pieces I know that I could never measure up.

I am not ready to deal with this. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Today wasn’t supposed to come.

How beautiful and moving. This day should never come. Like you, our pets are like our children. We love them, play with them, love them, laugh at and with them, hurt when they hurt, but above all, we hold them close to our hearts. I cried as read what you wrote.

My heart is with you and Wally at this most difficult time.

Our prayers are with you both.

 

[dvc deernut]

 

[M & N Potter]

wishes

 

[TIGGERmetoo]

We're never going to break the record if we keep posting at this rate.