Your Opinions On My Family Situation (Long, With Lots Of Background)

[sk!mom]

Kind of ironic that so many people here are saying "A judgmental person isn't a good person", but by saying that without even knowing her, who's the one being judgmental??? I'm not saying she's a good or bad person, I don't know her. Everyone is entitled to their views. Doesn't mean you have to like them or agree. There are racist white people, racist Mexican people, racist Asians, on and on. Not all of them are bad people, though their particular view on race may be reprehensible to us. And in no way, shape or form am I saying that's right or wrong. My point is it's her choice. Doesn't make her a horrible, awful person. I know people like that, and regardless of what I think about some of their views, I still think they are good people at heart. I know plenty of people who I like, but maybe I despise their religious views...or their view on guns...or politics. But everything else about them, I like. Doesn't make them a bad person. I'll bet most of you have people like that you know and/or like.

For me, the answer to your question has nothing to do with your mother being a racist or judgmental. It simply has to do with the fact that your wife doesn't like her. Going to dinner is one thing. Spending days or a week in Disney is something entirely different. I absolutely wouldn't go on the trip. Nobody will have fun, and I think it would just be stressful. If by saying no, your mother is going to blow up your relationship, then that's really out of your control.

True. However we all make judgements every day. Who to include in our lives? Who to exclude?

The OP has to make a judgement. "Can a vacation with my mom and my DW work?"

For me, racism is a deal breaker. There is no, "they're a good person except for being a racist" to me.

Yes, it's the mom's choice but it's the wife's choice to spend extended periods of time with her, or not.

 

[manning]

I say go on the trip! If it gets bad, just leave and go home. But I would at least give my mother a chance.

They will be at the campground, you at Pop Century. If things get bad, you go your way and let them go theirs.

 

[bellebud]

I'd leave it up to your wife. Doesn't sound like something I'd want to do, but maybe just the time in Disney will sway her.

 

[disneyjunkie]

sorry

 

[disneyjunkie]

You know, the thing is, my mom is not a bad person. She has her flaws, I have my flaws, you have your flaws. Mom is only judgmental and racist 5 percent of the time. The other 95% of the time she's a sweet old lady who loves her family and would do anything for them. I've just chosen to live with her flaws and put up with them. Les views them as deal-breakers.

She's a racist. So yes, she really is a bad person.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Here is that quote, again, from the OP

You know, the thing is, my mom is not a bad person. She has her flaws, I have my flaws, you have your flaws. Mom is only judgmental and racist 5 percent of the time. The other 95% of the time she's a sweet old lady who loves her family and would do anything for them. I've just chosen to live with her flaws and put up with them. Les views them as deal-breakers.

He also said that "Mom can be a histrionic drama queen."

How can somebody be 'racist' ONLY 5% of the time???
How can somebody be 'judgmental' ONLY 5% of the time???
How can somebody be a 'histrionic drama queen' ONLY 5% of the time???

Not to mention several other references, directly from the OP himself.

Now, unless somebody can convince me that this woman has suffered from some kind of rare multiple personality disorder, and she has been helped by treatment and is currently on all of her meds... she is who she is who she is.

What is the phrase mentioned here on the DIS.... "When somebody shows you who they are, believe them."

 

[longboard55]

I did not read all 7 pages, but is there a reason you could not go and leave the wife at home. My parents are also very opionated and know I do not agree with them but they will not shut up. It gets a little old.

 

[bethy]

TLDR: My mom wants to take me and my wife to Disneyworld, my wife doesn't want to go because she doesn't like my mom.

Longer Version:

My wife simply does not like my mother. She loves her, in the sense that a daughter-in-law loves her mother-in-law out of duty, and she doesn't wish ill upon her, and she's polite to her. But she simply does not like her.

Here's what you need to know about my mother. She is a conservative, uptight church lady who can be racist and judgmental. When she's not being racist and judgmental, however, she is kind, loving, generous to a fault. That she favors my brother is no secret; he is a church-going family man with four kids, and mom is all about church and the grandkids.

My wife and I, however, are not like my brother and my sister-in-law. We weren't able to have kids. Neither of us has seen the inside of a church in ten years. Les is continuing to search for her path, and right now is really into the spirituality of nature - stones and crystals and such. I just prefer to smoke my... not tobacco - and not think about it.

Needless to say, this has caused no end of consternation to my mom, and more than once, she's said something inappropriate or hateful or whatever, stopped talking me to a few days, and then forgotten about it. I've learned to accept that this is just how my relationship with my mom is, and not try to change something that isn't going to change. My wife, however, just refuses to accept this. She says my mom needs to be held accountable for the way she treats me, that I need to not let her "walk all over me like that," and so on.

Anyway, my mom has decided that she wants to take me and Les to Disneyworld next December. She's paying for everything but liquor and souvenirs. She and my stepdad would stay in their camper at Ft. Wilderness while putting up me and Les at Pop Century.

Needless to say, I'm all about it, but Les wants no part of it. She says that having my mom around would ruin Disneyworld for her, that she wouldn't feel right about my mom spending so much money, etc. She wants me to tell my mom "thanks but no thanks."

What say you?

Without reading any other replies: My answer would be "thanks but no thanks." I'd keep a relationship with my mother but keep it to shorter things like lunches, etc.

 

[bethy]

You know, the thing is, my mom is not a bad person. She has her flaws, I have my flaws, you have your flaws. Mom is only judgmental and racist 5 percent of the time. The other 95% of the time she's a sweet old lady who loves her family and would do anything for them. I've just chosen to live with her flaws and put up with them. Les views them as deal-breakers.

I can totally respect this. I just don't think it means it's a good idea to vacation with her. Like someone else said, it's hard enough to vacation with people you love and adore and are super close to and with whom there is no long standing tension on any side.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I'm unclear about something. What kind of racist things does she say? I only saw that she apparently has an issue with you not being religious but I don't see anything else. If it's just the religion thing I could talk volumes about a certain in-law that had that attitude. The only difference is she decided that she wanted nothing to do with us. Her loss.

I'm curious too. This accusation is thrown around quite freely nowadays. What is her offense?

 

[ksjayhawks]

Unless you're glued to your wife's side when she's with your mother, you have no idea what is said when you're not present.

Second this! My mil and sil were very, very good at doing this. Because my dh never heard it, he would try to pass it off or say I misunderstood===until the one time he did hear it when they didn't know he was around. Most of what they said was passive aggressive or little jabs that an outsider would think were sad in fun or teasing when the comments were put downs and meant to hurt and make them feel superior. Unfortunately it didn't work the way they intended as I didn't respond like they hoped, cry or get mad so that they could then act hurt because of what I said or did.

My reaction was that I would just stare at them and say nothing before I got up and left.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

I'm on Team Les. My husband and I have been married almost four years, and I've only recently accepted that it's okay if I don't like my MIL. I'm cordial and polite to her because I love my husband, but my relationship with MIL will never go beyond that. She's also racist, judgmental, a histrionic drama queen, and unkind/hateful re our life decisions. I totally agree with your wife here - Your mom should be accountable for how she treats you. Being someone's mother isn't a free pass to treat someone like crap, and you don't have to put up with it just because she's your mother. I hate seeing my MIL treat my husband the way she does, but I also recognize that's not my battle to fight.

What are the actual strings attached to this trip? I ask because my husband is in his mid-thirties, and my MIL still likes to hold things over his head that she did for him in high school, including a couple of trips to Disney. She also likes to remind me that she bought a few sets of blinds for our old house (that my husband owned before meeting me) every time I see here. There's no way in hades I'd accept a gift of this magnitude from my MIL.

As for ruining Disney, I completely understand where your wife is coming from. We paid for the in-laws to join us on part of our Disney trip last year. I'm grateful we were able to do something nice for them, and it made me happy because it meant a lot to my husband. But never again. After a few days of my MIL's temper tantrums and pouting (to try to manipulate us to get her way), even my husband was unhappy. I'd rather saw my own arm off than suffer through a repeat performance.

 

[Sydney2977]

I always find it ironic that "church lady" types are so judgmental (and even worse racist) when if you think about it, Jesus taught us to love thy neighbor. IMO- only God can judge!

My stepdad can be pretty opinionated and judgmental, and even annoying to go out to eat with because of the comments he makes to those serving us (though he's gotten better over the years). DH and I would LOVE to go to WDW with my mom but would really hesitate to go with him too because of this. They have been together to WDW but we just wouldn't want our trip, like your wife said, to be ruined because of someone else's negativity.

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm on Team Les. My husband and I have been married almost four years, and I've only recently accepted that it's okay if I don't like my MIL. I'm cordial and polite to her because I love my husband, but my relationship with MIL will never go beyond that. She's also racist, judgmental, a histrionic drama queen, and unkind/hateful re our life decisions. I totally agree with your wife here - Your mom should be accountable for how she treats you. Being someone's mother isn't a free pass to treat someone like crap, and you don't have to put up with it just because she's your mother. I hate seeing my MIL treat my husband the way she does, but I also recognize that's not my battle to fight.

What are the actual strings attached to this trip? I ask because my husband is in his mid-thirties, and my MIL still likes to hold things over his head that she did for him in high school, including a couple of trips to Disney. She also likes to remind me that she bought a few sets of blinds for our old house (that my husband owned before meeting me) every time I see here. There's no way in hades I'd accept a gift of this magnitude from my MIL.

As for ruining Disney, I completely understand where your wife is coming from. We paid for the in-laws to join us on part of our Disney trip last year. I'm grateful we were able to do something nice for them, and it made me happy because it meant a lot to my husband. But never again. After a few days of my MIL's temper tantrums and pouting (to try to manipulate us to get her way), even my husband was unhappy. I'd rather saw my own arm off than suffer through a repeat performance.

Of all the issues that could be associated with this trip, and there are a lot!!! The worst I think, would be the stings that are likely to be attached. I liked my MIL but I regretted accepting even hand me downs that she had previously given to her DD and then were passed to us. I heard about them all the time, and always in front of other people. After my husband died, I never accepted a thing from MIL and FIL and never looked back. her son may have been willing to be in their debt, but I was not, and once they found out that I had boundaries they could not cross, our relationship improved by leaps and bounds.

Honestly, if I was the OP, I think I would use this opportunity to discuss why this gift is a problem for him. I would not mention my spouse's issue with Mom. I would use it to explain why there is a rift.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My MIL was also that way with gifts.... even old junk and hand-me-downs, coming with strings.
That had to stop when those 'things' were old, broken-down, un-safe things, that had been in her attic for 30 years, that we were 'obligated' to let our new baby son use.

(PS: Just a note: She was a type of hoarder, and those 'things' meant more, in her mind, than people did.)

 

[Nancyg56]

My MIL was also that way with gifts.... even old junk and hand-me-downs, coming with strings.
That had to stop when those 'things' were old, broken-down, un-safe things, that had been in her attic for 30 years, that we were 'obligated' to let our new baby son use.

(PS: Just a note: She was a type of hoarder, and those 'things' meant more, in her mind, than people did.)

My MIL just did not get that if she gave you something and it wore out, you got rid of it. SIL gave my DS a coffee table that had the glass inserts on the top missing. She was supposed to give them to him when she found the, She never found them. After about three years, yes I said he held on three years, he tossed it. Holy Hysterical!!!! I heard how much that table cost, how awesome it was, that he should have kept it.....on and on.....I finally asked her why, if it was so outstanding and valuable, had Sis IL given it away in the first place, and if MIL would have wanted that monstrosity in her living room. No. Then stop. Just stop.

No one said anything to my son, oddly enough. I guess they depended on me to pass the word. I did. Son.....do NOT take another thing. Ever! Do not even buy something.....or you are on your own.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I always find it ironic that "church lady" types are so judgmental (and even worse racist) when if you think about it, Jesus taught us to love thy neighbor. IMO- only God can judge!
.

..or those on the DIS. I find it ironic that "church lady-judgmental-racist are linked quite often on these boards.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

My MIL just did not get that if she gave you something and it wore out, you got rid of it. SIL gave my DS a coffee table that had the glass inserts on the top missing. She was supposed to give them to him when she found the, She never found them. After about three years, yes I said he held on three years, he tossed it. Holy Hysterical!!!! I heard how much that table cost, how awesome it was, that he should have kept it.....on and on.....I finally asked her why, if it was so outstanding and valuable, had Sis IL given it away in the first place, and if MIL would have wanted that monstrosity in her living room. No. Then stop. Just stop.

No one said anything to my son, oddly enough. I guess they depended on me to pass the word. I did. Son.....do NOT take another thing. Ever! Do not even buy something.....or you are on your own.

Ugh...My MIL does the same thing! She fully expects you to return gifts or hand-me-downs to her once the item is worn out or no longer useful to you for whatever reason. She still claims ownership of that thing in her mind, even though she actually gave it away. I think it's about control with her. We no longer accept any furniture she tries to give (loan) us, and we choose not to respect her wishes when it comes to actual gifts (birthdays, Christmas, etc.). When I give something to someone, I do so planning on never seeing it again. Once it's out of my hands, it's no longer my property or my concern. If it's a secondhand item, I'd much rather know that something is being used instead of rotting in storage somewhere.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I totally get that. My MIL is a manipulative and controlling person, and I would never in a million years vacation with her (neither would her son for that matter . . .) but she's not a bad person. She even means well when she manipulates and controls!! In her own way, she's just showing us how much she loves and cares about us when she expresses concern about our eternal damnation ;p She's just a product of her upbringing and, quite frankly, never learned to how to treat other people. She was too old and set in her ways to change by the time I came around.

But, in order to exert control over our own lives, my husband and I have had to develop techniques to distance ourselves and ensure we protect the relationship we do have by not spending more time with her than we can bear (in my case, he has less tolerance for her than I do, which makes my life easier). I think that going on this vacation with your MIL is asking more than your wife can bear.

This is my grandmother. If you don't live your life the way she feels is "right" then you aren't worthy. She loves us and wants the best for us but she just feels that she knows what exactly is best for us. And no matter what we do it's never good enough. I can't change her line of thinking. She's in her 70s. She's set in her ways. She's a martyr. She is close with my kids but she won't really speak to my SO because I should have stayed single after my divorce so that's her way of showing her disapproval for not living my life the "right way."

She wanted me to go to WDW with her and my kids but I've politely declined and that's with me paying my portion. She's taken all of her grandkids and great grandkids on one on one vacations except for DD. Her legs aren't the best now so she wants another adult to travel with. Well I'm not doing it and DD actually doesn't want to go with her either because of her complaining. I'm taking my DS to Puerto Rico in 2018 and my grandmother isn't invited even though she goes twice a year and would LOVE to go. We can't deal with her constant complaining and negativity.

I'd ask the wife if she'd be upset if you went on the trip by yourself. If she honestly wouldn't mind, then go.


On the other hand, if it would upset her, feel like a betrayal, etc. then stay home and get high.

It's really the only logical thing to do.

This is the only way I would do it.

When my grandmother mentioned the WDW trip I asked my SO if he would like to go and we could do our own thing and not spend our time with her. He told me H-E double hockey sticks NO. That I can go alone with the kids and he will gladly stay home and relax. It never became an issue because after I really thought about it I declined myself.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Ugh...My MIL does the same thing! She fully expects you to return gifts or hand-me-downs to her once the item is worn out or no longer useful to you for whatever reason. She still claims ownership of that thing in her mind, even though she actually gave it away. I think it's about control with her. We no longer accept any furniture she tries to give (loan) us, and we choose not to respect her wishes when it comes to actual gifts (birthdays, Christmas, etc.). When I give something to someone, I do so planning on never seeing it again. Once it's out of my hands, it's no longer my property or my concern. If it's a secondhand item, I'd much rather know that something is being used instead of rotting in storage somewhere.

My grandmother talks about gifts I lost or outgrew or gave away when I was 9 years old. It's one of the reasons she won't buy me anything nice anymore since I can't take care of things.