Your Opinions On My Family Situation (Long, With Lots Of Background)

[tarheelmjfan]

Bless you for trying. I hope you manage to make it work out.

In the early years I tried very hard with my MIL and finally came to the realization the only way to get along is to capitulate entirely and allow her to be in total control of our lives, and I mean total control. She genuinely takes to her bed for days if challenged. When DH and I were dating a while it reached a point where we were heading towards a serious relationship and I finally decided to make him mad enough to have a genuine argument, simply because it was driving me crazy when he would agree to everything and never admit to disagreeing. I confronted him and he told me his parents had never had an argument. After a long talk he finally conceded that the couple of times his dad balked at anything his mom simply cried and went to bed for days. She caused a serious family issue in the lead up to our wedding and when DH said something to her about it she exploded, cried and went to bed for at least a week.

Nope, this girl won't play ball with that nonsense. DH's paternal grandfather told us that I was exactly what his grandson needed -- and my MIL's worst nightmare. I'm pleasant, I'm helpful, I use good table manners and will try to hold a pleasant conversation. That's the best I can do. I can handle it fine, but my heart hurts for DH and my kids. They deserve better.

You have my admiration. I wish I could get to the point of not caring about my relationship with her. My parents were all about family & treated their SILs like sons. They also taught us to never give up on anything. I feel like I have to keep trying, even though DH & DS say to forget about her because it is instilled in me to never give up. It's just not in me to stop trying. A personal flaw for sure.

 

[Lynne M]

See, it's possible to have a polite and edifying conversation with my mom. Just don't mention any of the three M's: Muslims (they're going to enforce Sharia Law in Riverton, Illinois some day and her granddaughters are going to have to wear burqas to school), Mexicans (they're taking our jobs!), or Marijuana (reefer madness will take over the country and the roads will be filled with crazed stoners who are too baked to drive!).

It sounds like you've got a great attitude about your mom's nature, but it may not be possible for your wife to get there. Am I correct in understanding that there's been intolerance/bigotry/etc aimed directly at you and your wife? Or is all it sort of in the abstract (the three Ms)?

When we hear bigotry or intolerance in the abstract, criticism of some group that we're not a part of, it may make us angry or uncomfortable. When it's about you, personally, or someone you love, it hurts. It sounds to me like you've trained yourself to look at this as an eccentricity of your mother's, and in your eyes, it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, or has no respect for you. You know that because she raised you, and you felt her love all your life.

But, your wife? There's only so many times you can hear dislike or contempt or disrespect from someone before you're just DONE. You can't push down the hurt anymore. Even if your mother goes back to being a sweet little old lady afterwards. The hurt can't just be washed away with a free Disney trip.

Unfortunately, that's the price your mother pays for her "eccentricities." She's hurting people. She's hurt your wife. And that comes with consequences.

I wouldn't push your wife to take the trip. Your mother has caused her pain, and she shouldn't have to play nice for people who've hurt her.

 

[jevs]

It sounds like you've got a great attitude about your mom's nature, but it may not be possible for your wife to get there. Am I correct in understanding that there's been intolerance/bigotry/etc aimed directly at you and your wife? Or is all it sort of in the abstract (the three Ms)?

When we hear bigotry or intolerance in the abstract, criticism of some group that we're not a part of, it may make us angry or uncomfortable. When it's about you, personally, or someone you love, it hurts. It sounds to me like you've trained yourself to look at this as an eccentricity of your mother's, and in your eyes, it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, or has no respect for you. You know that because she raised you, and you felt her love all your life.

But, your wife? There's only so many times you can hear dislike or contempt or disrespect from someone before you're just DONE. You can't push down the hurt anymore. Even if your mother goes back to being a sweet little old lady afterwards. The hurt can't just be washed away with a free Disney trip.

Unfortunately, that's the price your mother pays for her "eccentricities." She's hurting people. She's hurt your wife. And that comes with consequences.

I wouldn't push your wife to take the trip. Your mother has caused her pain, and she shouldn't have to play nice for people who've hurt her.

I wish I could like this more than once.

 

[Shanti]

TLDR: My mom wants to take me and my wife to Disneyworld, my wife doesn't want to go because she doesn't like my mom.

Longer Version:

My wife simply does not like my mother. She loves her, in the sense that a daughter-in-law loves her mother-in-law out of duty, and she doesn't wish ill upon her, and she's polite to her. But she simply does not like her.

Here's what you need to know about my mother. She is a conservative, uptight church lady who can be racist and judgmental. When she's not being racist and judgmental, however, she is kind, loving, generous to a fault. That she favors my brother is no secret; he is a church-going family man with four kids, and mom is all about church and the grandkids.

My wife and I, however, are not like my brother and my sister-in-law. We weren't able to have kids. Neither of us has seen the inside of a church in ten years. Les is continuing to search for her path, and right now is really into the spirituality of nature - stones and crystals and such. I just prefer to smoke my... not tobacco - and not think about it.

Needless to say, this has caused no end of consternation to my mom, and more than once, she's said something inappropriate or hateful or whatever, stopped talking me to a few days, and then forgotten about it. I've learned to accept that this is just how my relationship with my mom is, and not try to change something that isn't going to change. My wife, however, just refuses to accept this. She says my mom needs to be held accountable for the way she treats me, that I need to not let her "walk all over me like that," and so on.

Anyway, my mom has decided that she wants to take me and Les to Disneyworld next December. She's paying for everything but liquor and souvenirs. She and my stepdad would stay in their camper at Ft. Wilderness while putting up me and Les at Pop Century.

Needless to say, I'm all about it, but Les wants no part of it. She says that having my mom around would ruin Disneyworld for her, that she wouldn't feel right about my mom spending so much money, etc. She wants me to tell my mom "thanks but no thanks."

What say you?

No way would I go on that trip, let alone drag along a reluctant partner. Even if you all managed to have a good time without incident on the trip (unlikely), your mother would hold her generosity and your acceptance of it over your & your wife's heads forever after.

You need to stop smoking weed & tuning things out, and start taking charge of your own life. You can do it . If you want go with your wife to Disney World, you need to find a way to finance it yourselves.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Probably. Mom can be a histrionic drama queen.

Wow, wow, and WOW....
That is NOT a 'sweet old lady'. (a very common 'church facade'.
I mean this with the best of intentions and with all due respect.
But, this post alone tells me that you you need a MUCH better and more truthful and objective look at this situation with your mother.

No way, ever, period, would I spend a vacation with this woman.

To expect your wife to 'understand' and to subject her to this, to the point of expecting her to spend a vacation week with your mother is far, far, beyond disrespectful.

If your wife has made the effort to be understanding and polite, thus far, you have married an angel.
You should respect her.
And, yes, you should listen to her.

There are MANY, MANY, things that your mother could do, or gift, for you and your wife, other than a week long trip together.

 

[disykat]

Do I think you should make an effort to spend time with your parents and visit with them? Absolutely.
Do I think you should go on vacation with them just because it's Disney World and they're paying? No.

I think that could be hurtful and miserable for all of you. Thank them for their generous offer, but find another way to spend time with them.

 

[King Schultz]

TLDR: My mom wants to take me and my wife to Disneyworld, my wife doesn't want to go because she doesn't like my mom.

Longer Version:

My wife simply does not like my mother. She loves her, in the sense that a daughter-in-law loves her mother-in-law out of duty, and she doesn't wish ill upon her, and she's polite to her. But she simply does not like her.

Here's what you need to know about my mother. She is a conservative, uptight church lady who can be racist and judgmental. When she's not being racist and judgmental, however, she is kind, loving, generous to a fault. That she favors my brother is no secret; he is a church-going family man with four kids, and mom is all about church and the grandkids.

My wife and I, however, are not like my brother and my sister-in-law. We weren't able to have kids. Neither of us has seen the inside of a church in ten years. Les is continuing to search for her path, and right now is really into the spirituality of nature - stones and crystals and such. I just prefer to smoke my... not tobacco - and not think about it.

Needless to say, this has caused no end of consternation to my mom, and more than once, she's said something inappropriate or hateful or whatever, stopped talking me to a few days, and then forgotten about it. I've learned to accept that this is just how my relationship with my mom is, and not try to change something that isn't going to change. My wife, however, just refuses to accept this. She says my mom needs to be held accountable for the way she treats me, that I need to not let her "walk all over me like that," and so on.

Anyway, my mom has decided that she wants to take me and Les to Disneyworld next December. She's paying for everything but liquor and souvenirs. She and my stepdad would stay in their camper at Ft. Wilderness while putting up me and Les at Pop Century.

Needless to say, I'm all about it, but Les wants no part of it. She says that having my mom around would ruin Disneyworld for her, that she wouldn't feel right about my mom spending so much money, etc. She wants me to tell my mom "thanks but no thanks."

What say you?

I'd ask the wife if she'd be upset if you went on the trip by yourself. If she honestly wouldn't mind, then go.


On the other hand, if it would upset her, feel like a betrayal, etc. then stay home and get high.

It's really the only logical thing to do.

 

[ronandannette]

OP, I get that you really want to go, and I get that you get along with your mom despite her faults. The thing is, though, your wife does not. In the grand scheme of things, do you really want to make your wife miserable just so you can go to WDW?

You keep coming back to defend your mom to the posters here, and I get the feeling that you are hoping someone, anyone will agree with you and justify why you should accept you parents' offer. But here's the thing...none of us are your wife, and SHE is the one who needs to be 100% on board. And let's face it, that isn't likely to happen.

Put your wife first in this case. I think that not wanting to deal with a racist, holier-than-thou for a week trumps your wish to visit a theme park.

Or, maybe Rasta is a little taken aback by how quickly this snowball has rolled downhill towards portraying his mother as a slavering beast. Maybe he knows that characterization is over-the-top and didn't intend for his original comments to make her sound quite so bad. Maybe he's just trying to restore some balance. If so, sorry Rasta - it's way too late for that. That's not how the DIS rolls.

As for the original question - take it from an "uptight church lady": You need to decline the invitation and be in unity with your wife on the decision. Your obligation is to her.

 

[wenrob]

OP, haven't you posted before about your mother saying nasty things to you about your lack of religion? Or do I have you mixed up with someone else? My apologies if I do. As a non religious person myself (my experience is much like sk!moms, I have a feeling we have similar backgrounds) I just couldn't bring myself to put myself in a position where I would be 'trapped' with someone who could use their paying for the trip to their advantage. This could very well be what your wife is feeling. A free trip is just not worth it, IMO.

To those saying just talk to mom and make it about repairing the relationship between MIL and DIL its been my experience that is wishful thinking. I spent 17 years practically standing on my head to try and make my FIL at least tolerate me. He was nasty to me in his home, he was nasty to me in MY home. To this day, twenty seven and a half years later I'm sure he's still waiting for me to 'financially and emotionally destroy' his son. His words. I was cordial, I kept my mouth shut and I kept myself in check because this was my husband's father and he loved him. But I would not be manipulated or let myself be bullied into FILs way of thinking which I'm sure made him bat crap crazy because just about everyone else did bend to him just to "keep the peace." I dutifully visited him every July and kept to myself. I tried very hard to make my home his when he visited and treated me like the crap on his shoes in my own home. I kept my mouth shut and did not make my husband choose until the day FIL turned that nastiness on my then nine year old daughter. That is when my DH packed us up and we've never been back. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's a nice thought to try and repair but it's unlikely to happen when someone has a preconceived notion in their head about you. I would implore the OP not to put his wife in that position. If she doesn't want to go don't press the issue.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

 

[RedAngie]

I'd ask the wife if she'd be upset if you went on the trip by yourself. If she honestly wouldn't mind, then go.


On the other hand, if it would upset her, feel like a betrayal, etc. then stay home and get high.

It's really the only logical thing to do.

Ah, someone finally mentioned what intended to post.

Yep, if she's OK with you going alone with your parents, fine.

If not, stay home with DW.

What I absolutely do NOT suggest doing is all of you going, then only spending short bits of time together as a compromise. That won't work at all. When you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one. And then everybody's upset.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

TLDR: My mom wants to take me and my wife to Disneyworld, my wife doesn't want to go because she doesn't like my mom.

Longer Version:

My wife simply does not like my mother. She loves her, in the sense that a daughter-in-law loves her mother-in-law out of duty, and she doesn't wish ill upon her, and she's polite to her. But she simply does not like her.

Here's what you need to know about my mother. She is a conservative, uptight church lady who can be racist and judgmental. When she's not being racist and judgmental, however, she is kind, loving, generous to a fault. That she favors my brother is no secret; he is a church-going family man with four kids, and mom is all about church and the grandkids.

My wife and I, however, are not like my brother and my sister-in-law. We weren't able to have kids. Neither of us has seen the inside of a church in ten years. Les is continuing to search for her path, and right now is really into the spirituality of nature - stones and crystals and such. I just prefer to smoke my... not tobacco - and not think about it.

Needless to say, this has caused no end of consternation to my mom, and more than once, she's said something inappropriate or hateful or whatever, stopped talking me to a few days, and then forgotten about it. I've learned to accept that this is just how my relationship with my mom is, and not try to change something that isn't going to change. My wife, however, just refuses to accept this. She says my mom needs to be held accountable for the way she treats me, that I need to not let her "walk all over me like that," and so on.

Anyway, my mom has decided that she wants to take me and Les to Disneyworld next December. She's paying for everything but liquor and souvenirs. She and my stepdad would stay in their camper at Ft. Wilderness while putting up me and Les at Pop Century.

Needless to say, I'm all about it, but Les wants no part of it. She says that having my mom around would ruin Disneyworld for her, that she wouldn't feel right about my mom spending so much money, etc. She wants me to tell my mom "thanks but no thanks."

What say you?

I'd go to reddit and get on the JustNoMIL subreddit.

 

[Cantw8]

Happy wife...Happy life. Doncha think it would be a little hypocritical to except the trip? If I didn't like someone, I certainly wouldn't except anything from them but that's just me

 

[LisaR]

I just want to touch on this a bit more, I think this is a valid concern for your wife. I (obviously) don't know your mom, but I have known many relatives who use money as a tool of control, and even if they said the vacation was no-strings attached, there would absolutely be strings, expectations, and probably years of relying on the generosity of that vacation as justification for being generally horrible or controlling. It is possible Les is concerned about that? Because that could apply even if you found a way to go without her.

I decided long ago it's not worth it. I'd rather be poor, and suffer through my current 20+ year Disney drought, than trade my peace and strings-free-existence for a free vacation. Never again.

This stood out to me, too. My MIL has a very similar personality; very religious, racist, doesn't approve of our lifestyle (or any of her kids or their spouses). MIL started giving our college age daughter $100 a month about 1.5 years ago. That was VERY out of the blue for her. The only gifts she had ever given our daughter before were two coloring books and a nativity set for under our Christmas tree. She said it was spending money for college. Six months into it, she told our daughter that she would only continue to give her the money if she joined a bible study group at her college. Our daughter told her that her university didn't have one. MIL told her to start one! She did drop it but a few months later she told our daughter that if she still wanted the money, she needed to stop traveling with her boyfriend because people will think they are having sex! She's a nut job. DH told her to mind her own business and either give DD the money because she wants to or just stop giving it to her. The stipulations aren't going to cut it. She doesn't send a check every month anymore but she still sends an occasional one. The day the first check arrived in the mail, both DH and I knew there would be strings attached.

MIL was the topic of conversation early on in our relationship. She treated me like crap but that's how she treats her SIL and other DIL. He was ready to write her off and never speak to her again. While I love that he was willing to stand up for me like that, I encouraged him to have some sort of contact with her just because she is his mother. He didn't need to be BFF's but I thought he'd regret never speaking to her again. He calls her about twice a month now and keeps the conversations to about 15 minutes or less. I have zero contact with her. He would fall over laughing at her if she suggested we vacation together.

 

[sk!mom]

ROFL, no, thank goodness! My saving grace is that I'm more tolerant of my MIL than my husband is!! If he were half the Momma's Boy Raymond was our marriage never would have survived this long ;p No matter how crazy she drives me, I have to be grateful for her for giving me her son.

This attitude got me through many visits with my in-laws (May God rest their souls.) My DH is the kindest, most caring person that I have ever known so if all he learned from his parents was "what not to be," I silently thanked them for it. I have to say though, once we set boundaries, they accepted and respected those boundaries. It took a while of DH saying, "mom, were not going to discuss that." If she persisted, "mom, I'm going to hang up now." She learned that DH was an adult. It took me a bit longer, and was more difficult, with my parents- mostly mom.

It sounds like you've got a great attitude about your mom's nature, but it may not be possible for your wife to get there. Am I correct in understanding that there's been intolerance/bigotry/etc aimed directly at you and your wife? Or is all it sort of in the abstract (the three Ms)?

When we hear bigotry or intolerance in the abstract, criticism of some group that we're not a part of, it may make us angry or uncomfortable. When it's about you, personally, or someone you love, it hurts. It sounds to me like you've trained yourself to look at this as an eccentricity of your mother's, and in your eyes, it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, or has no respect for you. You know that because she raised you, and you felt her love all your life.

But, your wife? There's only so many times you can hear dislike or contempt or disrespect from someone before you're just DONE. You can't push down the hurt anymore. Even if your mother goes back to being a sweet little old lady afterwards. The hurt can't just be washed away with a free Disney trip.

Unfortunately, that's the price your mother pays for her "eccentricities." She's hurting people. She's hurt your wife. And that comes with consequences.

I wouldn't push your wife to take the trip. Your mother has caused her pain, and she shouldn't have to play nice for people who've hurt her.

This is the best post in the whole thread. We forgive, or grant grace to, our own parents/families because we have so many shared experiences. We do not have that same capacity for someone else's family. I'm going to be honest. DH and I were raised similarly but while I can forgive my parents for a lot with Dh's sometimes civil and polite was all I could manage.

 

[Klayfish]

I just had to respond to this because I know a lot of people that have different views and opinions on policies and religions and we respect each other and get along fine. I do NOT under any circumstances have friends that express racist or sexist opinions that judge people only by the color of their skin, ethnicity, or gender. It's not a "view on race" it's a view that someone of a certain race has attributes (negatively) that apply to everyone of that race. It's hateful and it has no place around me. Again if anyone makes a racist comment around me I'm going to speak up and say it's offensive and then I'm leaving the room/area.

I am flabbergasted that people are saying we need to have tolerance for racist views.

That's a very nice soapbox you have there. Build it yourself?

I don't recall saying you have to like it, tolerate it, or agree with it. If you can find those words, by all means let me know. I was referring to making a judgment on the OPs mother. He went out of his way to say there are so many wonderful things about her. I may not like, agree or tolerate the "5%" of the racist in her...and for the record, so we're all clear, I WOULD NOT. However, my whole point is I'm also not going to sit here and call her a horrible, awful person. My grandparents, who grew up Jewish in the 1930s and 1940s, had some views that would be considered "racist" in todays world. You really think I'm going to call them horrible people? I lived in and around Philly the first 42 years of my life. Now I've been in Atlanta for 2 years. I know people, both black and white, who grew up here in the 1950s. Their views are very different than mine, but they're not bad people.

I am flabbergasted that so many people are so self righteous and rush to blanket judgment so quickly.

 

[MrsDuck]

Another vote for thank you but no.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Love, LOVE, L O V E, the last comment in your above post, shanti.

 

[rastahomie]

Or, maybe Rasta is a little taken aback by how quickly this snowball has rolled downhill towards portraying his mother as a slavering beast. Maybe he knows that characterization is over-the-top and didn't intend for his original comments to make her sound quite so bad. Maybe he's just trying to restore some balance. If so, sorry Rasta - it's way too late for that. That's not how the DIS rolls.

.

LOL, I should have thought about that before I posted.

I also should have been clear that my mother has never said an unkind word to, or about, my wife. It's the way she treats me that my wife has a problem with.

 

[rastahomie]

It sounds like you've got a great attitude about your mom's nature, but it may not be possible for your wife to get there. Am I correct in understanding that there's been intolerance/bigotry/etc aimed directly at you and your wife? Or is all it sort of in the abstract (the three Ms)?

Me, yes. My wife, never. Not once, not ever.