WWYD - Father with Azlheimers & Mother ill - Update 11/26

[Aliceacc]

I'm starting to think we're just being trolled.

That's probably the least troubling scenario.

 

[Disney Doll]

I dont think we're being trolled but I do believe we're wasting our energy.

The OP has decided the right and wrong of this situation. Just as logic hasn't been involved in any of the decision making, logic is also not going to change the OPs mind about she's right and EVERYONE ELSE is wrong.

Prayers for the parents and their safety

 

[Poohlove]

I'm starting to think we're just being trolled.

That is exactly what i think.

 

[DisneyWorldMimi]

How many have you have read that my sister did not live there permanently? When did I say that she visited more than me in the last two years? I said she goes where ever she wants because she had no responsibilities except her husband and 2 dogs.
Topsy Travelers is assuming I had another screen name, which is untrue. I know both involved in the other scenario. Talk about wrong information, I am not going to a counselor for a court action. I have been seeing them because of the medication issue. This is what happens when someone assumes something.
I have read everything and YES hospice took my dad off all meds. I have spoken with their friend who is helping them and with the woman who cleans the house. She is a friend to my mom and takes her to caregiver classes every Tuesday.
I have been asking my sibs to get her checked. I was asking them before this incident and they never answered me. I am basically having to back her decision because my brother told me too. I know that she might not be thinking clear. This is why I have asked my sibs look into this.
My psychiatrist also felt the olanzaprine was a bad med.
I have backed off and have apologized to my mother. I will not apologize to my sibs. When I have been wrong, I have always apologized. When they are wrong, I don't get the same courtesy ever.
Let's just ask give it a rest. I say I would like her in a home but she won't go. I get called out for backing her, even though I am not the one who made the decision and was told to abide by it.
I get what everyone is saying. I want the best care for my parents. But with my brother making the calls, they will never be in a facility, PERIOD.
End of story!

 

[Aliceacc]

How on earth is your psychiatrist in a position to comment on the medical regime of someone who is not his patient??? He has no access to medical records, he's a plane ride away. Either he's guilty of malpractice or you misunderstood him.

So much about this thread is so very troubling.

I don't care whether or not your siblings have ever apologized to you. They are in charge of the day to day cRe of your parents because they live nearby. If you choose to uproot your life, move back home and help then you can be part of the day to day decisions. But you have no right to swoop in, disrupt everything they've worked to set up because they experience the day to day symptoms, change your dads medical regime, then fly back to your life, leaving them to pick up the pieces.

You. Were. Wrong.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I wish we were being trolled. I hope that is the case.

I have known a few people over the years who are like the OP though: convinced they are always right and always a victim and not seen for the hero they are, ask for advice assuming others will agree, cannot see logic, etc so I fear it could be real (I only hope the parents are not nearly as bad off as the OP makes it sound while trying to win support for her way of doing things and need to feel superior to her siblings in deciding how to proceed).

I also stopped and thought about who OP could be after someone else mentioned a prior name, and there IS a poster who had a very similar posting style and an adult child living at home with a granddaughter----similar types of seeing herself as a saviour when she dropped into a volunteer/work situation and painting the boss in that case as the bad guy for not seeing it the same way. So, again, that leads me to think it might be reality.

I hope it is a troll though. I really, really do.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Yikes.


That's all I've got.

 

[Poohlove]

This is all why I said I an earlier post that if I didn't have a sibling with the same delusional mentality I would think this were all a hoax. I think OP is sitting there giggling at all of us for giving her 7 or 8 pages of sound offerings knowing full well she isn't going to heed an ounce of it. I dont think she cares how sensitive a topic this is to many people. You know she isn't discussing any of this in her sessions, in fact it's probably the other way around - we are probably all bullying her.

 

[Darcy03231]

How many have you have read that my sister did not live there permanently? When did I say that she visited more than me in the last two years? I said she goes where ever she wants because she had no responsibilities except her husband and 2 dogs.
Topsy Travelers is assuming I had another screen name, which is untrue. I know both involved in the other scenario. Talk about wrong information, I am not going to a counselor for a court action. I have been seeing them because of the medication issue. This is what happens when someone assumes something.
I have read everything and YES hospice took my dad off all meds. I have spoken with their friend who is helping them and with the woman who cleans the house. She is a friend to my mom and takes her to caregiver classes every Tuesday.
I have been asking my sibs to get her checked. I was asking them before this incident and they never answered me. I am basically having to back her decision because my brother told me too. I know that she might not be thinking clear. This is why I have asked my sibs look into this.
My psychiatrist also felt the olanzaprine was a bad med.
I have backed off and have apologized to my mother. I will not apologize to my sibs. When I have been wrong, I have always apologized. When they are wrong, I don't get the same courtesy ever.
Let's just ask give it a rest. I say I would like her in a home but she won't go. I get called out for backing her, even though I am not the one who made the decision and was told to abide by it.
I get what everyone is saying. I want the best care for my parents. But with my brother making the calls, they will never be in a facility, PERIOD.
End of story!

OP, as this is obviously an important issue for you, why don't you make the appointment to have her checked and go with her? Make arrangements to fly out for a week at a convenient time for you and get it done. Then you will have your answer. I really don't see where this is something that either of your siblings need to address if they aren't concerned about it. It is your concern and therefore your responsibility. If there was something important to me about my parents' health I would take the initiative to have it looked into. If one of my siblings called and asked me to do it I would tell them if they were that concerned it was up to them to take the ball and run with it.

 

[pryncess527]

If I were your siblings, I would not tell you a thing until you apologized for taking your father off his medication without consulting a doctor. I simply could not trust you with information after that, given your refusal to acknowledge it was wrong.

Every single justification you have posted for that act might have been a valid reason to make an appointment to see a doctor to discuss your concerns, or even to get a 2nd opinion from another doctor, but there is absolutely NO justification for taking matters into your own hands. It does not matter that, as you claim, Hospice did the same thing the following week. If I were your sibling, that would not matter because it doesn't restore my trust in you. Your insistence that it backs you up is just a perverse reading of the situation that increases my concern.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I won't offer an opinion on the OP's situation. She's gotten plenty of feedback.I also don't normally point out errors people make when posting. I make plenty myself. That said, I just have to point out one common error being made in this thread that's driving me nuts for some reason. From what we've been told, the OPs brother lives locally & is there for the day to day decisions. The sister does not live there & doesn't appear to have a lot more involvement than the OP. There have been several posts stating both the brother & sister are there & are actively involved in their parents care. From what we've been told, only the brother is there on a consistent basis. The sister lives in NC not CA. It sounds to me like the brother is the one with his hands full.

Sorry for the interruption. Please, continue with your discussion that I so rudely interrupted.

 

[NHdisneylover]

well--to be fair, early on OP said her sister had taken the mother up on many more offers of paid affairto visit---so the initial version of events made it sound to many of us as if the sister visits every month or two whereas OP has only visited once or twice a year.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

How many have you have read that my sister did not live there permanently? When did I say that she visited more than me in the last two years? I said she goes where ever she wants because she had no responsibilities except her husband and 2 dogs.
Topsy Travelers is assuming I had another screen name, which is untrue. I know both involved in the other scenario. Talk about wrong information, I am not going to a counselor for a court action. I have been seeing them because of the medication issue. This is what happens when someone assumes something.
I have read everything and YES hospice took my dad off all meds. I have spoken with their friend who is helping them and with the woman who cleans the house. She is a friend to my mom and takes her to caregiver classes every Tuesday.
I have been asking my sibs to get her checked. I was asking them before this incident and they never answered me. I am basically having to back her decision because my brother told me too. I know that she might not be thinking clear. This is why I have asked my sibs look into this.
My psychiatrist also felt the olanzaprine was a bad med.
I have backed off and have apologized to my mother. I will not apologize to my sibs. When I have been wrong, I have always apologized. When they are wrong, I don't get the same courtesy ever.
Let's just ask give it a rest. I say I would like her in a home but she won't go. I get called out for backing her, even though I am not the one who made the decision and was told to abide by it.
I get what everyone is saying. I want the best care for my parents. But with my brother making the calls, they will never be in a facility, PERIOD.
End of story!

Yes, I fear I may have confused you with another poster. I blame that mix up on the fact that you and that "other" poster both live in Florida and were involved in a falling out with a friend over Facebook photos and a civic group fundraiser that dragged on for more than a year and ended with court involvement, both have California-residing fathers with Alzheimer's, both have husbands who suffer from chronic headaches as a result of nerve damage caused by lipoma-removal surgery, you both have daughters who work at Home Depot, both help raise your granddaughters, and you both have contentious relationships with your siblings. Oh, and you both go by the name Mari. And even though you're not that "other" poster, you just so happen to know her IN REAL LIFE. But you're totally not the same person.

Then again, I don't even know why I'm responding when your comments weren't even directed towards me, TipsyTraveler. You were speaking to Topsy Travelers, a totally, completely different person even though we have an eerie number of similarities. Primarily, that we both spend way too much time drinking, traveling, and frustrating ourselves on the DIS.

For the record, I, *ahem* Topsy , never said your counseling was court ordered.

 

[lisaviolet]

Edit. Removing personal information.

__________________________________________

This is the gist of my experience and what I was originally trying to convey -

https://www.caring.com/blogs/self-caring/when-a-caregivers-biggest-pain-isnt-the-care-receiver

And the fact that those holding the fort shouldn't have to continually educate their loved ones. It's not necessary - given all the information readily available - and quite frankly exhausting. I found it utterly baffling OP that you stated that your father has never been violent in his life in regards to choices/changes made for his continued care. His Alzheimer's diagnosis is not new. That one statement alone shows that you've absolutely dropped the ball in reading up about your own father's condition.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

well--to be fair, early on OP said her sister had taken the mother up on many more offers of paid affairto visit---so the initial version of events made it sound to many of us as if the sister visits every month or two whereas OP has only visited once or twice a year.

Some things are contradictory, but I'm not only reading what the OP has said, but also thinking from a practical standpoint. Flying her sister from NC to CA every month or two for at least the past 3 years would cost Mom & Dad site a bit of money. If they have that kind of money, they should be afford more consistent care. Her sister may have been there more often that she, but logically only her brother is in a position to be there on a consistent basis. Unless of course her parents are wealthier than most & we just haven't been told.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Some things are contradictory, but I'm not only reading what the OP has said, but also thinking from a practical standpoint. Flying her sister from NC to CA every month or two for at least the past 3 years would cost Mom & Dad site a bit of money. If they have that kind of money, they should be afford more consistent care. Her sister may have been there more often that she, but logically only her brother is in a position to be there on a consistent basis. Unless of course her parents are wealthier than most & we just haven't been told.

probably true--but then it still vaires.

My mother is the onliy sibling who doesn't live within an hour drive of my grandmother---in fact my mother lives in a different country than her mom.

The year my grandmother had a stroke my mother visited once---for 8 months during which hse helped my grandmother get to a point where she realistically could live on her own again.

and so on (one, lengthy, visit to help with phyiscal therapy, etc) for many years


It was the OP's early posts which often referenced the sister and her being there and her making decisions that led ME to beleive she is more hands on over all in the care of her parents than OP is. This might be wrong, and OP's later posts do paint a different picture than her early ones--but I don'T think anyone is wrong or making an "error" to have taken those early statements as an indicator that the sister is much more heavily involved in day to day decisions and care than the OP

 

[King Schultz]

Some things are contradictory, but I'm not only reading what the OP has said, but also thinking from a practical standpoint. Flying her sister from NC to CA every month or two for at least the past 3 years would cost Mom & Dad site a bit of money. If they have that kind of money, they should be afford more consistent care. Her sister may have been there more often that she, but logically only her brother is in a position to be there on a consistent basis. Unless of course her parents are wealthier than most & we just haven't been told.

I'm pretty sure she said her brother is training for an 'ironman' event and only comes by once a week or so.

So really no one is managing their care on a consistent basis.

Which is why I said they should be placed some where they can get the care they need.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'm pretty sure she said her brother is training for an 'ironman' event and only comes by once a week or so.

So really no one is managing their care on a consistent basis.

Which is why I said they should be placed some where they can get the care they need.

I agree it appears, from what we've been told, they're not being properly cared for. The brother is the only one that even lives close enough to check on them in person frequently. It sounds like they need a lot more care that just being checked on & taken to the doctor though. IMHO, if in fact the parents do have the money to fly someone from NC to CA every month or two, that money would be better spent on more consistent care.

 

[King Schultz]

I agree it appears, from what we've been told, they're not being properly cared for. The brother is the only one that even lives close enough to check on them in person frequently. It sounds like they need a lot more care that just being checked on & taken to the doctor though. IMHO, if in fact the parents do have the money to fly someone from NC to CA every month or two, that money would be better spent on more consistent care.

Agreed.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Well I think this thread does have some redeeming value even if discussion and advice here hasn't helped the OP much. I'm hopeful a lot has been gained from readers who may see themselves or their family members in parts of the story and taken heed, or may try to otherwise make things better in their own families.