Wow, felt like I was back in High School

[frannn]

There is a lady down the block from me who makes it her business to know everyone else's business. One time we were sitting outside, and we walked in front of our house with someone else, pointed towards the back of our house and was close talking with the other person. Didn't acknowledge us at all. Lots of other things I won't get into. Our neighbor did something rude (which I won't get into because its a long story), or I would have gotten her attention at least to say hi. When I went into the breakfast, I was there for a bit standing on line, then getting coffee. Maybe 15 min just standing there. I did see one person I knew & gave them the smile & nod. Spoke for about 30 seconds. I have attempted to be friendly in the past, smile at people all the time. Not pointing fingers, just saying that many of the moms are clichey & I felt like I was back in HS. I am certainly shy, and no time to join the PTA, etc, so thats part of the problem. It was definetly an uncomfortable feeling.

 

[OctMtnWoods]

Maybe I'm reading this wrong but it sounds like you didn't give them much of a chance to include you. You said you glanced around and grabbed a bagel and left.

That's how I read it too. I actually had to read it twice to try to figure out what the "felt like high school" part was. I was expecting point & laughing or turning & whispering to someone while looking at you out of the corner of their eyes.

Sounds like a normal get together to me. People in small groups that you just need to approach & say hi to.

 

[HighClass]

I am certainly shy, and no time to join the PTA, etc, so thats part of the problem. It was definetly an uncomfortable feeling.

Why can't you attend the PTA meetings? Really-these are parents involved in the school and an opportunity to meet other parents.

I was very involved in sports activities at my kids grammar school and it was a way to meet lots of parents. Also was involved in the Computer program & Pageant each year , so really got to know the kids, which is a perfect springboard to talking with the parents! (And I worked 30 hours a week)

 

[mjkacmom]

There seems to be a lot of judgmental comments being made on this thread.

My kids have attended four different elementary schools so far, and I have had to get to know four different groups of mothers. With a little bit of effort on my part (going up and saying hello, making it known that I am new), I've always found the vast majority of women to be welcoming and friendly. Often, the women who left me with a first impression of being snobs were really just shy, or busy, or distracted.

Yes, there are exceptions, but if someone finds that ALL of the mothers they meet are "witches"...well, perhaps the problem doesn't really lie with the other mothers (just sayin' ).

I agree. I'm a SAHM of 5, so I know a lot of moms - I'm never sitting alone, or standing outside the school alone. However, as I have another child/children enter I school, I make sure to strike up conversations with other parents. Even if I hear a conversation that I can add to, I'll join in. A group of women isn't going to approach you - you need to make the first move. I've found that the majority are very nice, and love to have another woman to talk to.

 

[goofy!]

When I went into the breakfast, I was there for a bit standing on line, then getting coffee. Maybe 15 min just standing there. I did see one person I knew & gave them the smile & nod. Spoke for about 30 seconds. I have attempted to be friendly in the past, smile at people all the time. Not pointing fingers, just saying that many of the moms are clichey & I felt like I was back in HS. I am certainly shy, and no time to join the PTA, etc, so thats part of the problem. It was definetly an uncomfortable feeling.

Ahhh, being painfully shy is something I am intimately familiar with. :

During that 15 minutes that you were standing around, how many people did you approach? Or did you stand around hoping that somebody would come over and say hi? You said you spoke to one. Did you then move to another group, smile and say hello and join in the conversation? Or did you just wait around secretly hoping somebody would notice you and come over and invite you into their group?

Take it from one pathologically shy person to another shy person, not going to happen. You can't expect people to approach you if you won't approach them. Think about it, you (global you for all shy people) are expecting people to do the very thing you are not willing to do yourself - go up to an unfamiliar person and engage them in a conversation. Just think - many of those moms are not parts of a clique - but just as shy as you and uncomfortable starting a conversation with somebody they are not familiar with.

Standing around waiting for people to come to you is what gives us extremely shy people that snob and aloof label.

I know it is difficult when you are shy, but if you want to be included, you have to make yourself approachable. That means that you can't worry about what people might think of you. You have to find a group of moms that you want to meet and take a risk by going over and including yourself. Go over to their group and introduce yourself. Believe me, what they think of you standing around waiting to be included (snob, princess, etc) is much worse than what they might think of you barging into their group.

Yes, you will find some cliques that are not friendly, but most will be welcoming and happy that you picked them to join.

I have learned over the years that it is not other people's responsibility to make sure I am included. They don't have the time for that. If I want to be included, although extremely difficult and anxiety ridden, I have to make the first move.

 

[MichelleVW]

Perhaps they are wondering why YOU don't speak to THEM?

One of my best friends is super shy, she doesn't talk to people unless approached. And although she's super nice, people think she's a bit of a snob. Just saying, the perception of you that's "out there" may be different than the person you really are.

Yep....I'm shy too, but if you don't go up and talk to people they will think that you are the snobby one.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

All my DS's schools were the same way. He went to private school, many moms didn't work. They were active at the schools and hung around together. I was one of the only single parents, and one of the only working moms. I always felt uncomfortable at his school events.

One time I was practically attacked by one mom at a birthday party. My DS had been in karate for a few years at this point and was almost a black belt. The moms rarely made any effort to talk to me, so I was surprised when a few moms walked over to me and started making small talk...then one of them said to a women that I didn't know (her child is from a different school) "Donna's son goes to (insert name of karate school)", so I'm thinking, oh, maybe this woman is interested in karate for her child, now I know why they all came over. Well...the woman starts to berate me, telling me the school is horrible and the students are out of control and violent. Told me about one of her neighbors kids that attends, always in trouble at school, always making trouble in the neighborhood. I felt attacked! After that I was thankful when they went back to ignoring me.

 

[MushyMushy]

I have to agree with those who are saying the shyness might be part of the problem. I'm not saying the mothers aren't cliqueish, because they very well may be, but at the same time they could just be a group of women comfortable in one another's company. Maybe THEY feel too shy to reach out to people they don't know well.

I battle with a little bit of shyness myself, and I have had people tell me after they've gotten to know me that they used to see me as unapproachable. There could just be a vibe you're putting off that you aren't aware of. Or it could just be that they're cliqueish. My point is, you probably want to figure it out for yourself and not rule out the fact that you might be part of the problem.