Would you stay or leave? long!

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhh, I agree, Lynne!

I am not one of those thinking he has other women on the side.
That's not the feeling I am getting, anyhow.

But, I am also not getting the idea that the OP is one of those people who is the kind of person who truly is a person with 'let's live separate lives, and when we can hook up, fine".

If she is that type of person, then I don't think she would have posted that original post here.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am really torn with ending it now. He is aware that I struggle with the possibility of leaving.

I have just quoted the last sentence of her original post.
I think this says a lot.

OP, you say that he knows you are contemplating and struggling with the possibility of leaving the relationship.
So, can we assume that his answer/reaction is, basically, "Okay, whatever...." With no expectation of ever offering anything more if that might be what it takes to meet your needs.

Think about that.

Just, personally, for me, "Okay, whatever..." is just not enough for me.
That is not something that I, personally, could continue to commit to.

There are a variety of opinions here.
And, there are different strokes for different folks.
But, if the OP were happy with the situation, I don't think she would have posted here.

 

[sk!mom]

I would stay as long as I was happy. I would also quit worrying about what I might want in 5 to 10 years. If you're happy now, Why borrow trouble and worry?

You don't even know what you want in the future. You may always be happy with a 99% perfect partner and a relationship that has plenty of personal time. If, at some point, you want more then you can make the decision then.

Since you already have children and do not want more, then I don't see any reason to stress this issue now. Your dilemma would only make sense to me if you were fearful that your childbearing years were passing with a partner who didn't want children.

 

[ariel71]

I think deep down you do know what you want, but putting it down on paper makes the decision painfully clear and you don't want to face it for fear of being alone. There are many people who have to end otherwise happy relationships because of factors/circumstances that are independent of their love for the other person. Do you want your children to only build a superficial relationship with the person who would essentially be their stepparent for the next 20 years? He's not 99% without factoring in the life you would build together (or lack thereof). There is a very big difference between someone who wants alone time and someone who seems unwilling to make any accommodations for a shared future.

It would be better to leave now and give yourself the chance to find a more complete relationship than to stay in this one for the next 10 years and then have to admit it's not the life you want.

 

[MickeySP]

I don't believe that I am the "until" woman. Now that I am on an actual computer with real keyboard I can respond in more detail.
I know him well enough to know that he is not looking for anything more from anyone else. He tells he often that we are going to be together a lifetime. It's just an odd concept to me that this is what he wants, but without the commitment of living together

You are in a relationship, he is hooking up.

 

[FLCyndi]

It appears you both want different things. You need to move on.

 

[Dizlvr]

Actions speak louder than words, dear. It sounds to me like he's telling you these things so that you'll stop pressuring him for more, when he wants less.

Maybe he just wants exactly what they have. Not everyone needs or wants to be in a 24/7 relationship. This guy is divorced? Maybe he wants to do things differently than he did when he was married. I think some of you DISers watch too many Soap Operas, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

Since you are asking questions to people on a message board about your relationship ...... I think you are having some sort of red flag moments about your relationship. If you are truly happy about the situation now, why are you asking these questions? Deep down do you want more out of him then he is able to give? Personally, I would want more and I would move on. It probably would tear me up inside, but in the long run I know that it would be better for me. I think I deserve more than he can give. Good luck in your adventures with your boyfriend.

 

[MickeySP]

I don't believe that I am the "until" woman. Now that I am on an actual computer with real keyboard I can respond in more detail.
I know him well enough to know that he is not looking for anything more from anyone else. He tells he often that we are going to be together a lifetime. It's just an odd concept to me that this is what he wants, but without the commitment of living together

So why are you asking if you should leave? Seems you actually have made up your mind, keeping status quo

 

[mom2rtk]

I would not invest more time hoping he will change. Move on. Tell him to let you know if things change and you can see where you are with it at that time.

 

[lwc]

I haven't read every reply, so someone may have said this already.

You have been dating this man for 3 years, and you are an adult, not a teenager.

If you and he were "meant for each other" you would have both figured it out by now.

You wouldn't want your space and neither would he.

Free yourself up to find a someone who will be a real comitted PARTNER, whom you can grow old with.

 

[bethy]

I haven't read every reply, so someone may have said this already.

You have been dating this man for 3 years, and you are an adult, not a teenager.

If you and he were "meant for each other" you would have both figured it out by now.

You wouldn't want your space and neither would he.

Free yourself up to find a someone who will be a real comitted PARTNER, whom you can grow old with.

This.

 

[cabanafrau]

I believe there's a reason you've asked the question here. You need to use some of that alone time to sit with your thoughts and allow yourself to be honest -- with you. I suspect you know you want something more and are willing to hold off while you finish raising your children. When they're off to college and their own lives and your time alone expands, will you still be content with your relationship as is? If you truly allow yourself to be honest you don't need to ask anybody else's opinion.

 

[bdcp]

He's told you what he doesn't want and that's marriage. You have to decide if that's where you want the relationship to go. But, it does sound like long term dating that's not going to go anywhere and that would not work for me. To me, that just sounds like a time filler for him. Especially with kids involved, this would be an issue for me. I've seen many relationships over the years (I'm 55) where the guy just had no interest in marrying the girl he was dating for years, and guess what? Most of these guys ended up meeting someone just before or after breaking up and all of a sudden was ready to get married and did. You have to decide what you're willing to put up with and for how long.

 

[Bluestars]

Ok I re read your post. I have a feeling you are his "until" woman.

You are good to him "until" the one he really wants comes. I know because the women before me with my SO we're all until women. He admits this, they were good enough but not the one. Once the one shows up you are gonna be history.

I am thinking the same thing. I've read stories about women who were with men who didn't want to get married, but suddenly they meet someone else and they do. If my boyfriend said that he would never want to live with me, I would see that as a huge red flag. When people love each other, they usually enjoy spending a lot of time together. Even watching TV at home with my husband is enjoyable. I agree with you that it seems like she is the "until" person.

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

You pretty much expressed what I was having trouble puttinf into words. First We already consider ourselves "partners" which is more fittingthan boyfriend/girlfriend. He is much older than I and will most likely be the one needing care (heavy smoker). But when my kids are gone ai do not want to be alone. While I enjoy my freedom and privacy now I do want to be able to spend 40+ years with one person.

I think I know I should probably leave sooner rather than later.

I apologize for the run on words. I am using an ipad and it will not let me back up to correct kistakes.

The bolded part is what would make me leave, but that's just me. I believe that people owe it to their partners to live a healthy lifestyle and to try to stay alive as long as possible. Other than that, I tend to agree with him that living together will decrease the intimacy because you will then have to see each other at your "worst". If I was to get a re-do on life, I would probably want the same kind of relationship your partner is looking for. There's a lot of truth to the two old adages "familiarity breeds contempt" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder" (for me anyway).

 

[Luv2Run]

Maybe he just wants exactly what they have. Not everyone needs or wants to be in a 24/7 relationship. This guy is divorced? Maybe he wants to do things differently than he did when he was married. I think some of you DISers watch too many Soap Operas, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

I do not watch soap operas, thank you very much. That's quite the jump to assumptions you have made about my character, simply by what I advised the poster in my previous reply.

True, a cigar is a cigar, but like I said: actions speak louder than words. Especially in OP's situation.

 

[Dizlvr]

I do not watch soap operas, thank you very much. That's quite the jump to assumptions you have made about my character, simply by what I advised the poster in my previous reply.

True, a cigar is a cigar, but like I said: actions speak louder than words. Especially in OP's situation.

Oh I guess you arent jumping to conclusions about what the OP posted.
You don't know the OP or the man in question yet you are sure he wants less. Maybe he just wants what he has, doesn't mean he wants less.
So, yes to me it sounds like you have some fantasy in your head about their relationship based on a few posts on a message board. Sorry you don't like my opinion about you watching soap operas, but that is what your opinion seems like to me.

 

[Luv2Run]

Oh I guess you arent jumping to conclusions about what the OP posted.
You don't know the OP or the man in question yet you are sure he wants less. Maybe he just wants what he has, doesn't mean he wants less.
So, yes to me it sounds like you have some fantasy in your head about their relationship based on a few posts on a message board. Sorry you don't like my opinion about you watching soap operas, but that is what your opinion seems like to me.

I can only base my replies on what the OP gives in their posts. When I said "he wants less" what I meant was he wants less time with her than she wants with him. Perhaps I should have been more clear in my statement. I still stand by the fact that it sounds like she wants more than he does, hence, why she's considering leaving the relationship.

By all means, laugh away with your judgments of my character. I'd bet dollars to donuts that if I were man saying these things, you wouldn't be making these assumptions that I have wild fantasies based on soap operas.

 

[wvjules]

I would leave. The two of you have different ideas about your future together. He told you he will never want to live together. Believe him. What happens if in 5 years he still doesn't want that commitment? Then you have wasted 5 years on a relationship that has gone nowhere and will likely not go anywhere. You deserve someone that wants all of you and wants you to have all of them (including the occasional moodiness.)