Would you stay or leave? long!

[Gumbo4x4]

I'd leave. I wouldn't want to waste any more time staying with someone who doesn't want the same things for the future that I do.

Once you're gone, he may realize that he does actually want a future with you, but if he doesn't, then you'll know that you made the right decision for you and your family. Your children already are living without a full-time father figure, why subject them to more of that in the future?

But, OP says she doesn't know what she wants in the future. Now, maybe she's just not being honest with herself. But, that's what she needs to figure out.

 

[Luv2Run]

But, OP says she doesn't know what she wants in the future. Now, maybe she's just not being honest with herself. But, that's what she needs to figure out.

Sorry, I was answering for myself - as in, if it were me, I'd leave. I know what I want for my future, and a man that says he would never want to live together is not what I want for me. (The title of the thread asks if I would stay or leave, and for me, I'd leave.)

 

[ronandannette]

I'd leave. I wouldn't want to waste any more time staying with someone who doesn't want the same things for the future that I do.

Once you're gone, he may realize that he does actually want a future with you, but if he doesn't, then you'll know that you made the right decision for you and your family. Your children already are living without a full-time father figure, why subject them to more of that in the future?

Let's presume they already have a satisfactory relationship with their own dad and don't need another one. The OP never suggested she's looking for a father-figure for her kids or for that matter that she's interested in his kids. She never once mentioned a desire to "blend" these two families. It's all about the state of their couplehood once all the kids are grown and gone - hence the MAYBE in 5 - 10 years issue.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Sorry, I was answering for myself - as in, if it were me, I'd leave. I know what I want for my future, and a man that says he would never want to live together is not what I want for me. (The title of the thread asks if I would stay or leave, and for me, I'd leave.)

Gotcha - and I agree.

 

[MickeySP]

In the end the heart will stay until you are ready to leave. Please don't defer your dreams for the hope you can change him.

You cannot love or nice people into what you want

 

[Luv2Run]

Let's presume they already have a satisfactory relationship with their own dad and don't need another one. The OP never suggested she's looking for a father-figure for her kids or for that matter that she's interested in his kids. She never once mentioned a desire to "blend" these two families. It's all about the state of their couplehood once all the kids are grown and gone - hence the MAYBE in 5 - 10 years issue.

I never mentioned him having kids or blending the family (if I recall correctly, the OP said her bf doesn't have any kids), so I don't know where you got that from.

The reason I mentioned her children is 1) she mentioned them in her OP, and 2) when you have children, their happiness with your choice of a partner should be brought into consideration, whether they are school-aged or adult children. Ignoring their feelings toward your partner is pretty selfish, IMHO.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The above (MICKEY) is correct...

NEVER, EVER, even begin to hope/dream/expect that somebody will change.

When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.

OP, I will say this again.
This guy sounds just classic.
Take what I want/need, and give NOTHING back.
(Seriously, he doesn't even really know or care about your children...)

I am thinking that if you are so wrapped up in this one-sided relationship, then how CAN you 'know what you want'.
Why does this relationship have to be considered so exclusive, if you are living separately.
Why can't you explore other options?
Is he insisting that there is 100% commitment here, and you can never consider seeing anyone else?

I am remembering something that made the rounds on social news a few years ago... the advice that one well known person had put out there, it was something like: "Be with/Live with a person for two years... THEN make up your mind". IMHO, your two years are now over... You are still trying to make up your mind.

If you truly are happy and satisfied in this arrangement, then hey.... My opinion doesn't matter. Ignore it.
But, since you came and posted here, something tells me that you are not sure you are happy.

I agree with the person who argued against that advice, a man, who then went public with the thought that, for women, this two-year thing was the WORST advice... EVER.
WHY???
The guy gets two-three-four years of her life, scott free....
And, the woman is giving up one the most precious and important things that she could.. her youth.

 

[MickeySP]

Wishing I hope she gets what you say more succinctly than I could.


Please please please don't waste your love trying to make what isn't there - there You are worth more, deserve more, & should get more.


Umm btw are you sure he is "happily" divorced? More than one person has gone back

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I would leave.

I would not choose to live alone and if you are madly in love with someone, you want to spend lots and lots of time with that person...not see them for a day or two a week.

It sounds like your boyfriend is living his dream of being a bachelor but getting some action and fun on the side (that's you). That would not be nearly enough for me.

 

[DawnM]

It would be a deal breaker for me.

 

[Dizlvr]

I would live in the moment, if you are happy the way things are now then stay. You have no idea what 5 years will bring, maybe he'll change his mind or maybe you will.

 

[ronandannette]

I never mentioned him having kids or blending the family (if I recall correctly, the OP said her bf doesn't have any kids), so I don't know where you got that from.

The reason I mentioned her children is 1) she mentioned them in her OP, and 2) when you have children, their happiness with your choice of a partner should be brought into consideration, whether they are school-aged or adult children. Ignoring their feelings toward your partner is pretty selfish, IMHO.

You're right - he doesn't have kids - I remembered the opening post incorrectly. The OP has NOT made her children an issue here, whether now or in the future. That doesn't mean she hasn't considered it from those angles, just that it's not part of what's bothering her. For all we know, she has chosen to keep the two parts of her life compartmentalized for now, and many would applaud a single mother that doesn't rush to enmesh her children with her romantic interests.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would say that there is a huge difference in 'rushing' to involve her dating life, and three+ years of leading another life that they do not fit into....
IMHO - That point-of-view doesn't really hold water.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Another thing that is coming to me here...

The OP talks about he likes his own separate life.
How, she likes a lot of alone-down time.
Etc.

There is a middle ground here.
My husband and I have gone thru times where he has been at meetings/training seminars/conferences at work.
Involved with Scouts with my son.
Spending time with his parents.
Etc... Etc.. Etc...
It is like I felt like we had to 'find' time to see each other and spend time together.

I am getting a real sense, by several recent threads here on the DIS, that there are a lot of people who might not have a normal, middle of the road, healthy idea/vision of what a relationship should be. I am seeing a lot of examples of people who seem to need to be in very intense (perhaps codependent) relationships, where they can't even go a few hours without texting, etc...

On the other hand, there are people who are so frightened and anxious about that, that they can't share their lives, live together, etc...

 

[Not_Sure]

Ok I re read your post. I have a feeling you are his "until" woman.

You are good to him "until" the one he really wants comes. I know because the women before me with my SO we're all until women. He admits this, they were good enough but not the one. Once the one shows up you are gonna be history.

I don't believe that I am the "until" woman. Now that I am on an actual computer with real keyboard I can respond in more detail.
I know him well enough to know that he is not looking for anything more from anyone else. He tells he often that we are going to be together a lifetime. It's just an odd concept to me that this is what he wants, but without the commitment of living together

 

[ronandannette]

I would say that there is a huge difference in 'rushing' to involve her dating life, and three+ years of leading another life that they do not fit into....
IMHO - That point-of-view doesn't really hold water.

Again, the OP is not saying that the dynamic between him and her children is an issue for her in any way or that it's a part of what's bugging her...you guys are projecting your own priorities on the situation, which I guess is fair given the concept of what would YOU do, but to be clear, it is a bit of a rabbit trail.

 

[Not_Sure]

I would have left a long time ago. He sees you on holidays and birthdays? That's it? He doesn't ever really want to mesh his life completely with yours because he is moody? Really? Well, to me- and this is just my opinion- he is having his needs met (whatever they are) and could give a rat's behind about anything else. This imo is not a relationship. A relationship is something that you build together. This just sounds like a convenience. IMO- keep in mind that you asked what people think- the thing that keeps coming to mind is something that rhymes looty ball.
I wish you the best. This would not be for me.

I see him weekly (on the weekends) and he sees my children on holidays and weekends. We live a good distance away so it doesn't make sense for him to see my kids more, although if I asked him to he would.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Methinks, OP may not be the only special person in his life.

 

[Luv2Run]

I don't believe that I am the "until" woman. Now that I am on an actual computer with real keyboard I can respond in more detail.
I know him well enough to know that he is not looking for anything more from anyone else. He tells he often that we are going to be together a lifetime. It's just an odd concept to me that this is what he wants, but without the commitment of living together

Actions speak louder than words, dear. It sounds to me like he's telling you these things so that you'll stop pressuring him for more, when he wants less.

 

[Lynne M]

If there's anything I've learned in fifty-something years of life, it's that there's no such thing as normal. Especially not where marriages and relationships are concerned. There are family configurations and lifestyles that are chosen by a majority, but smart couples choose the life that's right for them, and don't give a hoot what others think is normal or abnormal.

I find nothing bizarre or unusual or bad about the relationship between the OP and her boyfriend. In fact, it's pretty common in couples who get together in middle age, when both parties already have established lives, jobs, and kids from previous relationships.