what to tell Matron of Honor?

[barkley]

deleted duplicate post

 

[barkley]

deleted-triplicate post.

 

[wishesuponastar]

I'm confused. Are you paying for the wedding too? As tradition goes, usually the brides parents pay for the wedding. And on top of that you're expected to pay for the shower too? I've never heard such a thing, but I'm in the south.

I'm getting ready to host a baby shower. I'm doing it here at my house, between lunch and dinner so I'm only serving light appetizers, drinks and cake. The and mom to be asked me how many people I can comfortabley host and I told her 20. 75 to 100 people for a shower is insane IMO. I only had about that many people at my whole wedding. I certainly wasn't inviting them all to the shower too.

Good luck OP!!

The bride and groom are paying for the wedding.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I believe the shower is going to be at a restaurant with about 75 to 100 women invited.

So you are looking at a couple thousand basically. Who is planning this shindig?

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I got married in 1996 and had 70 people at the shower -held at a nice restaurant with open bar. Choice of entrees, hosted by our godmothers. My mother a stickler for etiquette would never host.

Most showers I have attended have been similar unless money was a concern, then it would be held at a home - but I have only attended a handful.

 

[Jaime4004]

Interesting, all the different traditions, even just within the Northeast. I'm in the northeast also and the majority of the showers I have been to have been in the mother of the bride's home, probably paid for by her also. I'm guessing because many of the brides have been in their early 20's and their bridesmaids friends wouldn't be expected to have the money to pay for showers. I know that I was in several weddings in my 20's and could barely afford the bridesmaid dresses! I vote for close friends/family only at a shower... And $500 could go a long way!

 

[nkereina]

I don't think this is a regional thing. I think it's just a a traditional/customary/etiquette thing.

I was always taught and thought that the mother of the bride hosting the shower was a no-no. The theory is that the bride's parents have traditionally paid for the wedding (as the hosts) and that the mother of the bride throwing the shower was like hosting a gift grab. Normally, an aunt, or the bridemaids pick up the shower costs.

This exactly. If this thread were posted on the forums on TheKnot.com, people would go nuts and tell her that good etiquette says mom should NOT host the shower. Total gift grab.

and I have NEVER heard of inviting aLL the female wedding guests to the shower! Holy Moley!@
its usually CLOSE relatives and closest friends

I agree with this. I've been excluded from some showers where I was invited to the wedding. I believe etiquette would say it's OK to exclude some women from the shower who are invited to the wedding, but you cannot invite women to the shower that are NOT invited to the wedding.

 

[wishesuponastar]

OP here, in my original post I said that many Mother of Bride pay for shower in our area. That's what I was thinking based on several showers that were done that way. I didn't know that it is still typically the bridal party who splits the cost of the shower.

My daughter told me about a month ago that Mother of Bride pays for shower and that's what her future MIL is doing for her daughter's shower but I told her that is not always the case. We did not discuss it further because I really didn't know what else to say. Thank you to everyone who have given me the confidence to just tell my daughter that I have a budget to stick to and that's what I'll contribute.

 

[morgan98]

OP here, in my original post I said that many Mother of Bride pay for shower in our area. That's what I was thinking based on several showers that were done that way. I didn't know that it is still typically the bridal party who splits the cost of the shower.

My daughter told me about a month ago that Mother of Bride pays for shower and that's what her future MIL is doing for her daughter's shower but I told her that is not always the case. We did not discuss it further because I really didn't know what else to say. Thank you to everyone who have given me the confidence to just tell my daughter that I have a budget to stick to and that's what I'll contribute.

OP, not to be nosy, but are you helping to pay for the wedding? If so, I think it is a simple conversation about you have $x to contribute to the festivities in general and paying for a lavish shower at a restaurant is not in the cards.

I am really not that old, but I feel older everyday when I read these threads. I also do not understand the bride getting in the middle of who is paying and expected to pay for her shower. I mean a shower should be someone close to the bride (not necessarily the mother, per etiquette rules) doing something nice for the bride. It is not something that the bride needs to manage.

 

[Kenny1113]

Just an idea to throw out there-not that I agree with it but it seems to be an option people are using lately... Have the shower at said restaurant and have the guests pay their plate.

I recently recieved an invite like this and apparently it is something many are doing.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Just an idea to throw out there-not that I agree with it but it seems to be an option people are using lately... Have the shower at said restaurant and have the guests pay their plate.

I recently recieved an invite like this and apparently it is something many are doing.

EW. I dont like this at all and find it tacky. Come to my shower and shower me with gifts AND pay for the privilege - no thank you. I would just RSVP no and send a gift.

 

[wishesuponastar]

OP, not to be nosy, but are you helping to pay for the wedding? If so, I think it is a simple conversation about you have $x to contribute to the festivities in general and paying for a lavish shower at a restaurant is not in the cards.

I am really not that old, but I feel older everyday when I read these threads. I also do not understand the bride getting in the middle of who is paying and expected to pay for her shower. I mean a shower should be someone close to the bride (not necessarily the mother, per etiquette rules) doing something nice for the bride. It is not something that the bride needs to manage.

No, I am not paying for wedding, bride and groom are. I agree with you that the bride shouldn't be involved with the shower planning.

 

[Kenny1113]

EW. I dont like this at all and find it tacky. Come to my shower and shower me with gifts AND pay for the privilege - no thank you. I would just RSVP no and send a gift.

I agree I do not like it either-I did not go to the shower I recieved invite for this reason.
However if they insist on 75-100 people maybe this is an option.

 

[wishesuponastar]

So you are looking at a couple thousand basically. Who is planning this shindig?

I think the MoH is going to be planning the shower and I hope she asks the bridal party for help to contribute. This MoH's mother paid for her shower (at a restaurant) so I'm thinking she expects me to pay for it but I will have to find out what she's thinking. That's why I came here for advice what to tell her, that I can only pay a certain amount not the whole shindig

 

[morgan98]

Just an idea to throw out there-not that I agree with it but it seems to be an option people are using lately... Have the shower at said restaurant and have the guests pay their plate.

I recently recieved an invite like this and apparently it is something many are doing.

No way...this is so horrible and this really is one of those things I shake my head at. That is just so presumptuous, I don't even know what to say.

Quite frankly, I would probably decline and unless I really felt the need to give a gift, I am not so sure I would even send one...lol!

 

[cluvsdisney]

When the time comes, you can open the conversation and say you have a budget of $x for the bridal shower and use that as the jumping off point. There is no rule/requirement to invite every woman on the wedding guest list to the shower. IMO, it is more appropriate to keep it to family & close friends of the couple.

Is the entire shower a surprise to your daughter or are just the details a surprise? If she's expecting it, I think it's fine for you or maybe your other daughters to discuss the type of shower she would like and then see how you can work with some of what she would like and what you can afford.

 

[anniemae]

Do NOT ask folks to pay for their plate. You are better off not having a shower than doing that. That would be really rude to expect someone to take time out of their day, buy a gift, and pay for their meal. No. Just No.

 

[wishesuponastar]

When the time comes, you can open the conversation and say you have a budget of $x for the bridal shower and use that as the jumping off point. There is no rule/requirement to invite every woman on the wedding guest list to the shower. IMO, it is more appropriate to keep it to family & close friends of the couple.

Is the entire shower a surprise to your daughter or are just the details a surprise? If she's expecting it, I think it's fine for you or maybe your other daughters to discuss the type of shower she would like and then see how you can work with some of what she would like and what you can afford.

I don't know if the shower will be a surprise for daughter. But I do know that she has mentioned going to register for it so I think she expects one as most brides here do get a shower.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Just an idea to throw out there-not that I agree with it but it seems to be an option people are using lately... Have the shower at said restaurant and have the guests pay their plate.

I recently recieved an invite like this and apparently it is something many are doing.

No, no, no. Tacky beyond all tackiness. Never invite people to a party (especially one they bring a gift to) where they have to pay for their own food. I would make an exception for a very casual gathering--such as emailing or texting some friends and family to "meet up" for dinner.

 

[Ceila]

Just an idea to throw out there-not that I agree with it but it seems to be an option people are using lately... Have the shower at said restaurant and have the guests pay their plate.

I recently recieved an invite like this and apparently it is something many are doing.

Tacky, tacky, tacky.