What should happen in this situation?

[Wishing on a star]

Okay,
I have a kid who sometimes has a hard time being 'assertive' enough.

I have to say that this is NOT something that should be handled with an 'intense' or whatever else one wants to call it, verbal judgment, and the direction to up and hit/punch out another kid.

Sorry...

Just not the way to go.
No justification.

OP, think about it this way.
Your child came to the appropriate adults (her parents) with a valid problem, and she ended up with no resolution, just a LOT more anxiety. From both you, and your DH.
NOT GOOD.
What is she learning about whether she can trust going to the appropriate adults????

OP, this was a physical assault by that boy.
It was.
No question.

Your daughter is an 11 year old kid who needs to to be taught how to handle this kind of thing in the RIGHT way.

I would be there at the very next opportunity, walk her right up to the coach, and explain that "My daughter has something she needs to talk to you about". Then bite your tongue for a full two minutes and observe.

What is the coaches reaction. (appropriate, or maybe not)
How capable was your daughter at communicating and expressing and protecting herself. (adequate, or maybe not - which IMHO would warrant some real work on the issue, now.)

As mentioned, I have a kid who can have a hard time being assertive.
He was in a situation where the adults just did not provide, and place an emphasis on, appropriate behaviors, activities, and 'personal space'.

I tried to coach my son from behind on how to handle a few of the situations that were occuring. (such as one kid messing with his personal belongings, etc...)

Ultimately, he was just NOT able to do this effectively.

Ultimately, I did have to step up and say something.

But, no way, ever, would I be domineering, controlling, demanding, etc...
That would seem to instill a person with a 'victim', it is okay for people to dominate me, attitude.

Bottom line, when I did step up, it didn't go very well.
We pulled DS out of this situation.

I can all but guarantee you that being 'intense', 'demanding', judging what she did or did not do at the time, etc... will NOT be what your child needs.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Complain to the coach. If that doesn't work, complain to the athletic director or principal.

 

[nancygirl1]

I would have no problem talking to the coach myself on behalf of my daughter. What happened is not okay. We as parents have the job of protecting our children and helping them during difficult situations. She's only 11, not 22. She needs help. Advice and encouragment are wonderful and are some life lessons, but 11 is still young and this needs to stop now. I'm sure she will learn from this and use the lessons later on in life.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

If your daughter was not comfortable speaking to an adult about this problem before I doubt you yelling at her will make things any better.

This kind of stuff happened to me as a child and an adult yelling at me over how I handled it would just make me not want to talk to them at all if it happened again.

Which means your daughter will probably end up speaking to no one when situations like this happen.

 

[Erin1700]

If your daughter was not comfortable speaking to an adult about this problem before I doubt you yelling at her will make things any better.

This kind of stuff happened to me as a child and an adult yelling at me over how I handled it would just make me not want to talk to them at all if it happened again.

Which means your daughter will probably end up speaking to no one when situations like this happen.

I'm sorry, but if firmly speaking to my child about handling herself in situations makes her now not ever want to speak up, then I have bigger issues than I thought. This boy HIT her. She needed to know that this was serious and she should have spoken up.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

But yelling at someone who already has issues with asserting herself will not fix anything. It just makes it worse.


Like I said, I was the same way when I was younger. The adults that yelled turned into the bad guys in my mind and I wanted nothing to do with them. The adults who talked to me about the problem were the ones I eventually turned to for help.

It took me a while to stand up for myself but it did happen in the end. However, the ones who yelled I have nothing to do with them to this day (and some of them are family)

 

[topolino]

Maybe you didn't yell at her loud enough. Next time if you yell at her really loudly, she'll no longer be a victim of violence.

 

[DeltaDiamond001]

I'm sorry, but if firmly speaking to my child about handling herself in situations makes her now not ever want to speak up, then I have bigger issues than I thought. This boy HIT her. She needed to know that this was serious and she should have spoken up.

I think there are multiple ways that this situation could have been dealt with from the start, but none of them involve yelling at your child for not having the courage to speak up for herself.

If you believe the outcome from "yelling" or "firmly speaking" to your daughter would persuade her to take action for what many people (myself included) would consider to be a minor incident, then it seems to me that you are severely disillusioned.

I do agree with you that it is unacceptable for this boy to have slapped your daughter, among other kids. That said, they are young. Perhaps this boy was never taught that hitting a girl is wrong. He does need to learn now (or even more preferably, years ago) that a boy should never physically attack a girl. There are ways that this can be done without putting your innocent daughter in the middle of your frustration.

Just my two cents.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

i think there are multiple ways that this situation could have been dealt with from the start, but none of them involve yelling at your child for not having the courage to speak up for herself.

If you believe the outcome from "yelling" or "firmly speaking" to your daughter would persuade her to take action for what many people (myself included) would consider to be a minor incident, then it seems to me that you are severely disillusioned.

mte

 

[monsterkitty]

Have you guys ever spoken to your child in a firm voice, only to have them say you were "yelling" at them? I'm not a parent, but as a teacher I have had students say I "yelled" at them when I in fact never raised my voice, but rather spoke firmly instead. For example, I could say, "Johnny, do not hit Susie on the head with your drum sticks!" and Johnny would say I yelled at him whereas Susie would say I didn't.

OP, I understand what you are saying about being firm. Sometimes you need to use a different intensity in your voice and that may be like"yelling" even though the voice is never raised.

 

[Erin1700]

Maybe if she was a shy child who had trouble speaking up normally,but she isn't. And she told the boy to leave her alone. I am not worried that I made her not ever want to tell.

A boy hitting you is not something to keep quiet about. End of story, that is the message I needed to get across. Yes, I raised my voice.

My original question was what you all thought should happen to the boy.

 

[DeaverTex]

Actually, I'd agree with your DH about smacking the kid back if he repeats his performance. I might even give your daughter a bit of instruction on how to do so with the best chance of a decisive outcome.

That said, you need to talk to the coach and let him know -- in very short words -- that you will consider any repetition of this kid's actions to be the direct result of the coach's inability to control the members of his team. And that you will follow up on this.

The boy who struck your daughter, and who sounds like a royal pill, should have the error of his ways explained to him very clearly. He should have a very plain, very clear set of guidelines given him, and he should be required to acknowledge this in writing. He should also be suspended from play and practice for at least a week. If that ticks him off and he quits, well... sounds like a win to me.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Have you guys ever spoken to your child in a firm voice, only to have them say you were "yelling" at them? I'm not a parent, but as a teacher I have had students say I "yelled" at them when I in fact never raised my voice, but rather spoke firmly instead. For example, I could say, "Johnny, do not hit Susie on the head with your drum sticks!" and Johnny would say I yelled at him whereas Susie would say I didn't.

OP, I understand what you are saying about being firm. Sometimes you need to use a different intensity in your voice and that may be like"yelling" even though the voice is never raised.

I would go for that if this was a child who came on here and used the word "yelled" but the OP herself said she yelled at her daughter.

You can get your point across in situations like this without yelling and I think it was totally out of line what the OP did. She doesn't and it is her child so she gets to make the decisions but I hope she can live with the consequences later on in her daughter's life.

 

[Erin1700]

I would go for that if this was a child who came on here and used the word "yelled" but the OP herself said she yelled at her daughter.

You can get your point across in situations like this without yelling and I think it was totally out of line what the OP did. She doesn't and it is her child so she gets to make the decisions but I hope she can live with the consequences later on in her daughter's life.

I am going to agree with you partially. There are many girls I know who would do just as you described if they got yelled at. I could see them not wanting to tell next time. BUT there are girls, my DD included who are not like that. If I had yelled at her and said it was her fault that he hit her, then of course that would be wrong. And could cause issues for her.
Part of what is important to the story is that she has an implant in her arm. So she is taught that if anyone grabs her or hits her she needs to speak up.

 

[cornflake]

First, agree with the 'yelling at her seems an odd response / tell her to wallop the kid back' crowd.

Second, put her in karate. Confidence, and the ability to either block someone from doing something or make them very, very sorry they did.*



*I realize the martial arts teach restraint and not violence as response unless seriously endangered. I think that's the best approach, but if needed after other methods have failed...

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Okay,
I have a kid who sometimes has a hard time being 'assertive' enough.

I have to say that this is NOT something that should be handled with an 'intense' or whatever else one wants to call it, verbal judgment, and the direction to up and hit/punch out another kid.

Sorry...

Just not the way to go.
No justification.

OP, think about it this way.
Your child came to the appropriate adults (her parents) with a valid problem, and she ended up with no resolution, just a LOT more anxiety. From both you, and your DH.
NOT GOOD.
What is she learning about whether she can trust going to the appropriate adults????

OP, this was a physical assault by that boy.
It was.
No question.

Your daughter is an 11 year old kid who needs to to be taught how to handle this kind of thing in the RIGHT way.

I would be there at the very next opportunity, walk her right up to the coach, and explain that "My daughter has something she needs to talk to you about". Then bite your tongue for a full two minutes and observe.

What is the coaches reaction. (appropriate, or maybe not)
How capable was your daughter at communicating and expressing and protecting herself. (adequate, or maybe not - which IMHO would warrant some real work on the issue, now.)

As mentioned, I have a kid who can have a hard time being assertive.
He was in a situation where the adults just did not provide, and place an emphasis on, appropriate behaviors, activities, and 'personal space'.

I tried to coach my son from behind on how to handle a few of the situations that were occuring. (such as one kid messing with his personal belongings, etc...)

Ultimately, he was just NOT able to do this effectively.

Ultimately, I did have to step up and say something.

But, no way, ever, would I be domineering, controlling, demanding, etc...
That would seem to instill a person with a 'victim', it is okay for people to dominate me, attitude.

Bottom line, when I did step up, it didn't go very well.
We pulled DS out of this situation.

I can all but guarantee you that being 'intense', 'demanding', judging what she did or did not do at the time, etc... will NOT be what your child needs.

Do you always over-analyze everything?

Sometimes you can handle something in a simpler way.

Like,

if someone hits you, you hit them back!

In my experience that is the best way to stand up to a bully or someone who hits you.

I taught my kids to avoid confrontation when possible, but sometimes that just doesn't work. In the case where it doesn't work--stand up for yourself!

Going to a teacher should be the last resort not the first.

BTW, the first and only fight I had in grade school was with a boy. He punched me in the back and pushed me to the ground.

I got up and beat the crap out of him. He never bothered me again.

We are raising a generation of wimps taught how not to stand up for themselves and we wonder why there is so much bullying going on today.

Sometimes you need to grow a set, be it ovaries or something else.

 

[I Love Pluto]

To the OP - I understand how you were correcting to the point of yelling. You were frustrated, at that moment, to learn that your child had a serious situation - and did not handle it. It makes us feel inadequate as parents -- why couldn't they handle it? So - I will defend you. You acted much the same as I would have.

Your daughter should visit the coach, explain what happened, ask for advice as to what to do if the same situation should occur in the future. This way, she is following proper protocol, not tattling, but asking how to protect her own arm & medication. This way - she stays within the boundaries that the coach expects.

Hopefully, the coach's advice will agree with yours. If not, a phone call to the coach would be in order. I don't feel that you're out to get the other kid in trouble, but out to protect your daughter.

You're a good parent. You care.

 

[Missjane]

This problem is true,thank you very much !
____________
Vietnam holidays- Kochang Hotels Thailand- Lagoon Explorer

 

[HM]

I agree that yelling at your daughter was probably the wrong way to handle it. You did it out of concern, but it's not the kind of response she probably expected (or was it?). If someone hurts my child, I hug them, sympathize with them, and then work with them on how they could have better handled the situation.

I'm glad you've both talked with the coach and that he's taking some action.