Captain’s Log: Tuesday, 29 July 2014.
1:29 a.m.—You would have thought we’d tired him out. But no.
4:37 a.m.—Someday, I know, this kid will sleep through the night. It just feels like he never will.
7:43 a.m.—Look at that! We slept in. For us, anyway.
8:19 a.m.—It’s a melancholy morning as we all get dressed and packed up. No more Disney fun to be had. And vacation itself ends tomorrow. The only thing we really have to do is get back to Vegas so we can catch the flight in the morning. It’s a 4-hour drive, and we’re all dragging thanks to the all-out assault on Disneyland we perpetrated the previous day.
8:42 a.m.—We pack the suitcases and drag our feet a bit in loading up the rental van. Once again, the game of Tetris begins as I try to fit our suitcases, golf clubs, stroller, groceries, and carry-on bags into the space between the rear seat and tailgate. If you recall, I’ve had to get everything loaded in just so, and then slam the rear door shut quickly before the pile shifts. Sometimes it takes 2 or 3 slams to get it to close tightly.
I’m already in a bad mood because there’s no more Disney and we have to leave. I get all of the bags in just the right place. Then I slam the door. There’s a loud thunk and it fails to close. Grrrr. I thought I had everything in just right. Well, I know how to fix this.
Slam harder.
THUNK.
Slam harder.
THUNK.
WHY WON’T (SLAM) THIS @#$% (SLAM) DOOR CLOSE?!?! (SLAM)
Maybe it’s because I put my video camera down on the ledge, right where the door is supposed to close. The same video camera that used to have a flat top, and is now concave.
I realize what I’ve done, and try to power on the camera to see if it still works. Nothing.
So remember, kids, if you want to put an expensive piece of electronics out of commission, don’t just give it a good whack. You want to really smack the crap out of it several times to do the job.
Yep, I’m an idiot.
The good news is, the SD card survived and the videos are intact.
8:43 a.m.—Now I’m really grumpy.
8:44 a.m.—We make sure everything is secure in the van (this time) and lock the doors…and walk away. We’re not hitting the road quite yet.
9:03 a.m.—Our family suffers from a genetic condition known as
DDP: Disney Departure Procrastination. Symptoms include an extreme reluctance to leave any property owned by the Walt Disney Co. around the world, and those afflicted with this condition may exhibit irritability, depression, fatigue, and/or nausea at the thought of having to return to the work force. The treatment typically involves the start of planning the next vacation.
We’re treating our condition by heading once more to Downtown Disney.
9:12 a.m.—The first stop is
Ralph Brennan’s Jazz Kitchen Express for breakfast. I believe it was Cynthia who had recommended the beignets here, and that sounded much more appealing than Pop Tarts. It’s also a good medication to help treat DDP.
If you don’t know what a beignet is, then I feel terrible for you. It’s the New Orleans version of a doughnut, or fried dough covered in powdered sugar. They’re really good when served hot. You can get 10 beignets for 10 bucks, so we go with that option. Believe me when I say they don’t last long.
9:29 a.m.—But don’t worry. WE STILL HAVE A BAG OF SUGAR!
9:31 a.m.—The aftermath is fairly grim. It looks like a crime scene.
9:40 a.m.—So what else can we do to stall before we leave? Let’s check out the Grand Californian Hotel.
9:42 a.m.—Looks like there’s some conference going on. Why didn’t I choose a job that gets me into these boondoggle “conferences” all over the country? In my next life, I’m going to fix that.
Anyway, I just wanted to gawk at the lobby a bit. Being such a big fan of the Wilderness Lodge, I knew the Grand Californian would appeal to me in a similar way.
I thought it was cool how the carpet matched the tile on the floor exactly.
9:52 a.m.—We spend a few minutes just wandering the lobby and dreaming of actually being able to stay here someday. Scotty probably doesn’t really need to go to college, so if we can skip those payments maybe we’ll be able to afford it.
On our way out:
Well, everyone dies of something. Might as well be too much Disney.
10:00 a.m.—We head for the World Of
Disney Store. We were pretty good about not buying too much the day before, but now all of our restraint goes out the window, and we spend Baby Drew’s college education on our souvenirs. On the plus side, I did get a nice classic-looking ball cap with the Disneyland “D” on the front. So there’s that. Also, I think our Christmas shopping is just about done, mostly because we can’t afford anymore gifts for the rest of the year.
10:47 a.m.—With a sigh, we can’t come up with any more ways to procrastinate before leaving. To balance out the heavy hearts, our wallets are much lighter. We start the walk back to the hotel.
10:49 a.m.—Hey, kids! That lady with the stroller is gone! Quick, go stand on the compass!
11:12 a.m.—We’re on the road. I’ve set our GPS for our lunch destination. The map of our route that shows up on the screen looks different than what I remembered when doing our research. Hmmm. Maybe it’s routing us around traffic.
11:24 a.m.—Nope, that wasn’t it. We’ve been on I-5 way too long, and we’re heading northwest towards Los Angeles, rather than northeast towards Las Vegas. The restaurant we chose for lunch has a few locations scattered in the area, and it appears our GPS chose the wrong one. In fact, the location we wanted to reach doesn’t show up in the list. Is it still there??
Worse, we’ve hit L.A. traffic on the interstate.
11:51 a.m.—We finally get off I-5. Stand back, folks. I’m going to have to wing it to get back on track.
12:27 p.m.—I-605 to I-10 to I-15. Yep, I’m good. Hey, shut up about blindly following the GPS.
12:43 p.m.—We’ve reached our destination. I didn’t know the exact exit, but I sorta-kinda knew the general area where it was, and I happen to have guessed right. So there.
We are in Rancho Cucamonga, California. We stop here because a) the restaurant we wanted has a location here which is right on the way to Vegas, and b) it is impossibly fun to say “Rancho Cucamonga” out loud. Seriously, try it. Roll your “r”’s for added effect. We’ve been shouting it in the car for about 20 minutes, and it doesn’t get old!
Also, we’re a little tired and punch-drunk from yesterday.
12:54 p.m.—Our choice for lunch is
Slater’s 50/50 Burgers By Design. Slater’s is a restaurant we had first seen on the Travel Channel, I believe as part of their “Bacon Paradise” show. When watching, they’d noted that there was one in Anaheim close to Disneyland, so I made note that if we ever made it out there, we’d try this place out. Further research had yielded the RRRRRRRRancho Cucamonga location on our route.
Slater’s is known for its “50/50” burger patty. This is a burger made up of 50% ground beef and…
Hang on, I’m giggling. I can never talk about this with a straight face.
…50% ground bacon.
Perhaps you can see why this place appealed to me. Yes, it’s a heart attack on a plate. But as I said before, you have to die of something. Might as well die happy. Even if it takes 5 years off my life, they probably would have been 5 years in a nursing home anyway, so that makes it ok.
1:00 p.m.—The place is a burger bar, so you can choose one of their creations or take the handy notepad listing all of the ingredients to make your own amazing burger combination. Here’s my order.
Behold the “Blue Hen Bacon Burger”: 50/50 patty, bacon-pretzel roll, cheddar cheese, grilled pineapple, beer-battered onion rings, more thick-cut bacon, and bacon ketchup. The “Blue Hen” is in honor of my alma mater, the University of Delaware, whose mascot is the
Fightin’ Blue Hen.
Yes, it’s a chicken. But it’s a fighting chicken.
Shut up. Look, it could be worse. We could be the
UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs.
1:17 p.m.—Our aorta-blockerss have arrived. And they are magnificent.
1:18 p.m.—I can barely open my mouth wide enough to take a bite, but somehow I manage. I think the 50/50 burger is excellent. They warned us that the patty would still look pink inside, but that’s due to the bacon. It’s a little saltier than a normal burger would be. Julie thinks it’s a bit too salty for her taste. For me, the sweetness of the pineapple and onion rings balances out the saltiness just fine, and I am in bacon heaven. I manage to pick up a pint glass for my collection back home, and no matter what Julie says, I’m still awarding Slater’s 50/50 a coveted Drooling Homer Excellence in Unpretentious Dining Award.
1:40 p.m.—We’re back on the road, setting off on the drive to Las Vegas. Climbing over the mountains makes for a very scenic drive.
2:37 p.m.—However, once we’re over the mountains and into the desert, it’s somewhat monotonous. To give you an idea, here are the points of interest shown on our GPS:
3:24 p.m.—Hey, look. Joshua trees. More than you can count, all over the side of the highway.
3:42 p.m.—We’ve been on the road for 11 days. The baby has been up at least twice a night, every night. There was a 4.5-hour flight involved. Numerous time changes. And yesterday we spend 15.5 hours going all-out touring Disneyland. Combine that with the drive featured on that GPS screen above.
This is when it finally catches up with me. I’m drifting. I cannot physically keep my eyes open any longer.
For the first time ever on an Oblivious Family Road Trip, I relinquish the wheel to my lovely wife.
3:47 p.m.—It was the right call. I just couldn’t keep going any—
3:47:12 p.m.—Zzzzzzzzz….
4:32 p.m.—That’s much better. I’m back at the wheel after a pit stop, and we’re getting closer to Vegas.
6:15 p.m.—After some more GPS maneuvering around the city, we arrive at our home for the night: the
Embassy Suites Convention Center. It’s not on the Strip, which is probably why we could afford it. Also, I got a good deal on Priceline. Anyway, I love Embassy Suites when I get the chance to stay in them. Not only do they have a good free breakfast, but it gives us the chance to sleep in a different room than the kids. If you’re a parent, you know what a godsend that is.
6:42 p.m.—After unpacking and crashing in the room for a bit, we’re off to dinner. We head to yet another local chain restaurant,
Claim Jumper.
This is a western chain that Julie and I had found on our last trip to Arizona in 2008. We liked the food there very much, but there was one above all that we came back for: a side dish called the three-cheese potatocake. Because we just haven’t had enough artery-cloggers today.
(sorry for the blurry photo)
This is basically deep-fried mashed potatoes. And they’re by far the best part of the meal. Everything else was fine, but nothing to write home about.
8:32 p.m.—With that, our southwestern adventure draws to a close.
Wednesday, July 30
6:20 a.m.--The next morning is a routine early-morning wakeup, with a bonus ham/cheese/onion omelet made to order for me at breakfast. We return the rental car.
7:10 a.m.—I have the X-ray system down to a science at airports now. Rather than trying to empty my pockets into the bins along with my belt, shoes, hat, etc., I just put everything into my carry-on bag: wallet, keys, iPod, loose change, etc. That way I don’t waste as much time getting myself put together after going through the line.
8:30 a.m.—We’re on our way back home.
3:40 p.m.—The flight is uneventful. We have this whole change-a-poopy-diaper-in-an-airline-seat thing down cold by now. We retrieve our luggage from the baggage claim. Now we have our multiple bags/golf clubs/souvenirs/etc. I make the offer to Julie to go get the van from long-term parking and drive it back so we don’t have to lug all of that crap onto the shuttle. Dave goes with me while she waits with the others.
3:50 p.m.—Dave and I climb aboard the shuttle, taking a couple of bags with us.
4:20 p.m.—We reach long-term parking. Dave and I climb out of the shuttle bus. We find our van.
4:20:20 p.m.—Julie has my carry-on bag.
4:20:23 p.m.—My keys are still in my carry-on bag.
4:20:25 p.m.—Because David is with me, I can only sigh in frustration at my own stupidity. But in my mind, I’m inventing new, creative forms of profanity. Oh, and Julie has the cell phone. I don’t own one. In case you were wondering how we can afford these trips, that’s one reason why.
4:30 p.m.—We catch the shuttle back to the airport. I ask the driver if I can stay on past the departures area and ride to the baggage claim. He says that’s fine.
4:43 p.m.—We drive all the way around the terminal. At the last stop, the driver tells me I have to get off. He isn’t allowed to let me stay on.
4:44 p.m.—Well, that would have been nice for you to tell me when I asked the question. Especially considering the Southwest terminal was the first stop, and now Dave and I have to walk back around the ENTIRE AIRPORT to get back there.
4:44:44 p.m.—In my mind, I practice my new profanity on the bus driver.
5:02 p.m.—We finally make it back to the baggage claim, where Julie has been wondering all this time just where the heck I am, and inventing new profanities to describe her oaf of a husband. I explain the location of my keys. She begins seeing all of the handsome men she knew in high school and college who would have made excellent mates flash before her eyes.
5:04 p.m.—We all climb aboard the shuttle, lugging all of our bags with us. As luck would have it, we get the SAME DRIVER, just making his loop now.
5:05 p.m.—You know that saying, “if looks could kill”? The stinkeye I gave him could have laid waste to the Eastern Seaboard.
5:06 p.m.—Of course, if we’d stayed on the bus, we wouldn’t have arrived until now.
5:07 p.m.—I’m gonna go ahead and declare vacation to be officially over at this point.
5:40 p.m.—One last stop for lunch/dinner/what time is it?/who cares, I’m hungry.
5:48 p.m.—Aww, look at that. The baby is being cute. I should probably get some video of—oh, right.
*** END TRANSCRIPT ***
Coming Up Next: The final wrap-up, and my mini-PTR for Summer 2015.
you made it. I love that Sarah is taking a picture while on the ride. A TRUE DISer!
And the kids did fantastic for being at the parks for over 12 hours! What you guys did is considered the 'Dumbo-or-Die-in-a-Day' Plan
!
Just ride Dinosaur with your eyes closed and imagine Indy. As you said, gives you another reason to return someday. You know, on your way to Hawaii or something. 
Ambitious. 
Ouch.
now; I don't care for the things at all. But you can tell that David and Scotty did.
