Surprise trip for 9 year old girl acting up of late

[Hamitchell]

I actually googled and found some wise eating tips for cruisers. Some of what the pediatrician above mentioned. Having a healthy way of approaching cruise meals, a plan, helps to focus on what is important without being a food nazi or feeling deprived. That is good for all of us, and we have put the emphasis on healthy choices and not "weight loss" so our kid doesn't feel beat up. Even skinnny son is expected to eat healthy with us.

We have them playing soccer and basketball leagues, so they are active. No cable tv in the house and limited computer and netflix time.

 

[seashellmama]

A cruise is a really good "time-in" for a kid having difficulties- a great opportunity to really connect with each other, feel and show mutual love and caring. Have a fantastic time!

 

[Flipflopgirl27]

I love the reflection your family is having. 8 is a really rough age for girls. Please know so many families are going through similar situations with their pre-teen girls. While it's hard not to worry, you may have to stick to your standards and wait it out. If your family has a healthy home and standards, it may just be a growth spurt or phrase. As a girl, I know there were times I would eat everything in sight and times I wouldn't have an appetite. I also gained a lot of weight during late elementary school, but I leveled out to a normal weight and height around 11-12. Just keep an eye on your daughter and keep in contact with your pediatrician. It is a sweet how much you care about your daughter's growth.

Also, the school anxiety is very real and alive in today's schools. 3rd grade is really where you see the pressure start. I wish your daughter well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

[TLPL]

I don't like suprises. I would perfer to set the trip as the goal for my children to work toward getting it. If they don't behavior the way the suppose to, I'd tell them they can stay behind with grandpa and grandma place whole the rest of the family will go without them.

 

[ToddyLu]

At 47, I am reading this thread and thinking...dang that is me at 9/10...ohhh nooooo!!! Boy did I have the mentality of a 9 year with the fast approaching body of a 14 year old. I can remember needing to shave and wear proper underclothing long before my Mama realized it or acknowledged it...whatever. I have fantastic parents and am blessed to still have them at 72 and 78. I can remember being so ugly to my Mama specifically at that age...she has told me I used to leave her crying in the mornings. My most difficult year was fifth grade ( but I was the young one in the class due to a Novmember Bday)... so maybe there was pressure with schoolwork and hormones.

I do clearly remember being mean but not understanding or being able to stop it. I knew it was wrong but I was just angry. I was physically more advanced than any of my friends, just not emotionally. But through it all Mama held fast with the rules and their example taught me how to treat people and learn how to be a productive member of society. That was about the time my father started teaching me about budgeting and he taught me how to balance a check book. We also went grocery shopping together going strictly by a list he had made based on the budget I was privvy to in their checkbook. This approach my be too "adult" for some parents but I remember it teaching me exactly where the money went and why I could not do certain things ( like trips to Disney--we could not afford it). I knew eactly how much my father made and how much the bills were. I remember organizing the checks by number and then sitting down to check them all. He would follow behind me and correct mistakes with me. I continue to have a lot of respect for his manangement of money and work ethic. Even in retirement when they go on long trips he dpeneds on me as his accountant . Vacation was always too special to play with and both me and my brother knew that. There were other forms of punishment besides punishing the family who needed that close time to bond.

So yes there are rules of behavior but there were also things my parents let me do that were meant for me and not my skinny *** brother ( Lord that boy was a beanpole--not as much at 45--but you get the point). If that is your daughter in the cute pic/avatar then it is like a trip back in time. She is perfect you know.

 

[ToddyLu]

I can rememeber at about age 13 still in junior high, I had saved my money for a pair of Lee jeans ( probaby 1982ish). Daddy had promised to take me and then told me he was tired later that afternoon and we would not go to the mall. He had no idea how I had been saving and planning to wear those jeans because my friends all had them. Remember, I knew about the budget, so I had my own money for these pants. When I tell you I threw an epic fit, it was spectacular--my worst. The anger, then pleading, then "but you promised!!!" with alligator tears. I mean how could my own father kill me, his own daughter--because in my mind he was horrible and he knew everyone at school would know I didn't have Lee jeans. I can remember rolling around on the floor and then sobbing, finally just too tired and defeated to stand. Daddy came in my room and with a sly grin, because he never knew I could be such an actress and drama queen, told me, "OK, you are right, I promised and you do have your own money". It was 8:00 and the mall was about 20 minutes away and closed at 9:00. I can remember thanking him when we got back out to the car, and apologizing for acting crazy. He just nodded. At 47 and 78 we laugh about it still. But that was the night I learned I could really depend on him and he learned maybe to respect my teenage sensibilities.

Good luck and enjoy your cruise.

 

[Plaid Princess]

How can I work on her without spoiling the surprise?.

Honestly, I don't think you can... make the cruise a reward for behavior. Set up a chart and give her gold stars towards earning it etc.

She is very tall and heavy for her age which we think doesn't help.

Speaking from experience, it is very difficult to be a girl who is taller than average. Society as a whole doesn't accept tall women as normal, and that conditioning starts early (movies, TV shows etc show the bully as the taller one most of the time; Disney is particularly guilty of this) If she is taller than her peers, she is probably struggling with self esteem issues and is very likely being bullied. If your daughter is on track to stay taller than her peers you should check out The Tall Book (and give it to her when she is old enough). It's a great look at the science and social stigma associated with height.

Is she heavy for her *height*? Does the doctor think it's a problem?

This. If your kid is taller than average, you can't go by the average weight for her age. This is a lesson I struggled with until I was about 25 when I realized that if I'm a foot taller than my friends, I'll never see the same number on the scale.

 

[VandVsmama]

What should we do? Whining, tantrums--makes it hard to rationalize taking her on a big trip. How can I work on her without spoiling the surprise? She is a sweet kid, but hitting that pre-teen phase when the emotions are running rampant. She is very tall and heavy for her age which we thimk doesn't help.

We also wamt to try to set the stage for moderation on the food choices. This is a 2 week b2b . . .

Any words off wisdom for us garppling with new challenges?

I have a 9 year old DD, too! And a 7-yr-old DD. Here are my thoughts in no particular order:

• 3rd grade girls can be tough. One day, her BFFs are eating lunch with her in the cafeteria at lunch time and the next day, she's been shunned from the group. The day after that, it's back to normal.
• For my 9-yr-old DD, sometimes the thing that she's acting upset or angry about is not really the thing that she's mad about. Sometimes something else happened at school earlier that day which really hurt her feelings and she's been stewing about it all day, and suddenly her 7-yr-old sister looks at her the wrong way and the 9-yr-old flips out and gets mad over something inconsequential. When this happens, I try to take ODD aside and talk to her in a calm and soothing voice, I give her a hug, and ask her if there's anything else that happened today that she wants to tell me about. And about 75% of the time, there is.
• For my ODD, bedtime is when she unloads. Usually with the lights off and I'm tucking her into bed. THAT is when she tells me the BIG stuff that she is worried about, the upsetting stuff that happened at school, and also the GOOD stuff that happened that day. That is also the time of day that she's asked big life questions like "How do you know God exists?" or "Why is school so important?" or even "I love my sister a lot, but sometimes I really can't stand her and I feel really guilty about it. Does that make me a horrible person?" Maybe your DD just needs a safe time & space to do her own unloading.
• This one is related to above - my ODD has asked for a diary with a lock. Maybe a journal would help your DD get her thoughts & concerns out so that she can process them.
• How emotional your DD is has nothing to do with her height or weight. Short skinny 9-yr-old girls are emotional, too. And your height & general metabolism level are determined by genetics. However, if your DD has been having issues in which eating is more of a hobby than eating because she's hungry, then perhaps she's eating for a reason other than nutrition and that would be something to look into.
• if you're concerned about your DD's overall health & weight, consider exploring getting her involved in an after-school sports activity...something that SHE likes to do, not something that you have chosen for her. It has to be something that she enjoys, otherwise it will feel like a chore or a job and then she won't want to do it. However, don't make going on the cruise dependent on this.
• Some 9 yr old girls look like they're 15. some 9 yr old girls look like they're 5. There is a lot of variety & diversity at this age and your DD has perhaps started to notice that she has some features that are unique.
• Vacation is NOT a time to pick battles about food. Whatever food habits, likes & dislikes she has prior to the trip will be there DURING the trip.
• What do you mean by moderation on the food choices? For example, if your DD has the run of the kitchen and is currently allowed to eat whatever and whenever she wants and if the pantry is stocked with lots of not-so-healthy choices, then your own choices at the grocery store might be contributing to the problem.
• Rome wasn't built in a day, so you & your DD won't be able to change the situation overnight. Replace unhealthy snacks with healthier options. Get the kid more physically active doing something she enjoys. And figure out what she is emotional about...expecting, of course, that the topic might change from 1 day to the next.

 

[kandb]

My oldest son always got easily frustrated and would have little hissy fits. I would tell him, "relax and try to control your emotions". He is 12 1/2 now and is growing out of it. He is just wired that way and I would NEVER hit him when I know when he got like that, he could not control it. To the posters who say to spank a child, that is absurd. Some children are just wired different and don't know how to control their emotions. What is beating them up going to do to them except making them feel ashamed and lower their self-esteem?

 

[tporter4]

Sounds like she really needs a vacation.

Love this response...

And I need to be more empathetic when mine are acting crazed.

 

[ILovePixieDust]

My oldest son always got easily frustrated and would have little hissy fits. I would tell him, "relax and try to control your emotions". He is 12 1/2 now and is growing out of it. He is just wired that way and I would NEVER hit him when I know when he got like that, he could not control it. To the posters who say to spank a child, that is absurd. Some children are just wired different and don't know how to control their emotions. What is beating them up going to do to them except making them feel ashamed and lower their self-esteem?

Spanking children will also harm their intellectual and emotional development, there are actual physical changes to the brain composition as a consequence.....

http://www.cnn.com/2014/07/23/health/effects-spanking-brain/

Also, there are exegetical studies on that verse from the bible. There is a difference in the articles used for "the" vs. "a" rod. When "the" is used it is meant metaphorically.

http://www.parentingbythebook.com/Proverbs-1324.html

 

[Jennifer777]

I work with kids for a living and I've had a lot of luck with a program called 1, 2, 3 Magic. It's pretty simple and basically sets clear expectations for your child with consistent consequences. After about a week, most kids I've used it with, including my own, have significant improvements.

With that being said, it's so hard being a 9 year old girl. I remember days when the smallest infraction felt like the end of the world. This could be an opportunity to get her away from the stresses of life and reconnect with her. I personally wouldn't use it as a reward for behavior because once you get home, any other behavior rewards that follow will pale in comparison. I would market this to her as a gift for the whole family. A chance for all of you to make memories together. It might just make her feel a little extra loved knowing you want to spend time with her even when she's not been so fun to be around lately. =)

 

[cruisingtwins]

I would do a surprise reveal or something like that. That way the kids get surprised but not just before the cruise. Personally I'm not a fan of surprise trips anyways you miss all the excitement of counting down and the anticipation the night before. And some kids don't take it very well.

 

[vinotinto]

Parenting is so tough. I would not use the cruise as a reward either. I would focus on continuing to work with her on those things you want to work together on. When it's time to announce the cruise, just let her know how much you enjoy the family time together and how much you are looking forward to a special cruise vacation together.

Also, I understand your comment about "moderation" on the cruise. With so many buffets and constant food, it's hard for kids that are food impulsive. My DS struggles with this. He will pile a plate at the buffet with just sweets - cookies, self serve ice cream, etc.

 

[Sytrace]

oh my goodness...this struck a cord with me in regards to my now 14 year old (we both have survived the preteen years I am happy to report)

Nine is a tough age. They are growing in both mind and body at levels and pace that is a whirlwind to us as parents and also a whirlwind to them as well.
For no apparent reason they are suddenly angry, when before they were happy. It can take the smallest thing to set them off and then just a little effort will bring them back to earth.

When my daughter had/has issues with friends (and there were MANY at that age) we would find a spot to talk about it. ( I also have a 12 year old son who is soon to be 13) Yes, the hormones are running wild around here. Taking the time and having a quiet place to talk really helped us out. It was actually more about her talking and me listening and trying REALLY hard to not try and fix things for her. This is the hard part of parenting. The wanting to fix it and take away the hurt feelings or sadness.
Over the years, this has become a check in process for us both. She tends to get angry quickly but I am more of a slow burn kind of person.
Sometimes I wish I could more like her in that she gets upset, deals with it and moves on easily. Most times I let it simmer until something sets me off and then I deal with it. Basically, I am the 9 year old.

Hang tight, listen to her and when she gets uppity, ask her what the real problem is. Ask her to tell you about what led to the outburst and tell her you will love her regardless, but that you want to help her feel better about what is troubling her. And then shut up and listen.
There will be tangents, there will be crying jags where you cannot understand a word she is saying, there will be moments of apology where she is truly upset that she was mean to you. Reassure her that you love her and will always listen. Tell her that you were once her age and can share your wisdom when she wants to hear it. Most of all, know that the hormone levels are raging around in there and is contributing to what I call the Sybil complex. You just have to stay cool and calm and love her thru it.

As for food on cruises. Wow.... so hard to curtail the impulses of a 9 year old who will be surrounded by pizza, burgers, hot dogs, fries, ice cream etc.
Heck, I am 49 and have been on a "diet" for most of my adult life. When we cruise, I get small amounts of all my favorite foods and eat only that. No second go rounds, and lots of veggies and smart fruit carb choices. Desserts are harder because I really love desserts that I would never make at home or purchase at a restaurant. This is my downfall. I allow myself one ice cream cone during the day and 1 dessert in the evening at dinner.
It has made me very careful about my choices to know that there will only be ONE dessert. It better be a good one. lol

Perhaps, help her choose grilled chicken over the chicken tenders with some lower calorie dressing as a dip instead of barbecue sauce.
Select a veggie or fruit as a side. Or if she must have the fries, bring a single serving on a smaller plate. And then go with veggies or fruit if she is still hungry.
The family as a whole can make smarter choices without bringing the focus on only HER and what she can eat. Limit the fatty foods for everyone and eat in moderation what you normally would eat at home.

I am sorry this is so long. I absolutely feel for you and I know how hard this is. But keep your patience and stay in love with her even when she acts a bit crazed. You will all be okay if you stay open and talk it out.

Have a sensational cruise.

PS. Don't tell them about it until you were planning to. Threatening to take away what the family needs will only lead to resentment that will add to your DD stress (and yours too)

 

[Hamitchell]

I have a 9 year old DD, too! And a 7-yr-old DD. Here are my thoughts in no particular order:

• 3rd grade girls can be tough. One day, her BFFs are eating lunch with her in the cafeteria at lunch time and the next day, she's been shunned from the group. The day after that, it's back to normal.
• For my 9-yr-old DD, sometimes the thing that she's acting upset or angry about is not really the thing that she's mad about. Sometimes something else happened at school earlier that day which really hurt her feelings and she's been stewing about it all day, and suddenly her 7-yr-old sister looks at her the wrong way and the 9-yr-old flips out and gets mad over something inconsequential. When this happens, I try to take ODD aside and talk to her in a calm and soothing voice, I give her a hug, and ask her if there's anything else that happened today that she wants to tell me about. And about 75% of the time, there is.
• For my ODD, bedtime is when she unloads. Usually with the lights off and I'm tucking her into bed. THAT is when she tells me the BIG stuff that she is worried about, the upsetting stuff that happened at school, and also the GOOD stuff that happened that day. That is also the time of day that she's asked big life questions like "How do you know God exists?" or "Why is school so important?" or even "I love my sister a lot, but sometimes I really can't stand her and I feel really guilty about it. Does that make me a horrible person?" Maybe your DD just needs a safe time & space to do her own unloading.
• This one is related to above - my ODD has asked for a diary with a lock. Maybe a journal would help your DD get her thoughts & concerns out so that she can process them.
• How emotional your DD is has nothing to do with her height or weight. Short skinny 9-yr-old girls are emotional, too. And your height & general metabolism level are determined by genetics. However, if your DD has been having issues in which eating is more of a hobby than eating because she's hungry, then perhaps she's eating for a reason other than nutrition and that would be something to look into.
• if you're concerned about your DD's overall health & weight, consider exploring getting her involved in an after-school sports activity...something that SHE likes to do, not something that you have chosen for her. It has to be something that she enjoys, otherwise it will feel like a chore or a job and then she won't want to do it. However, don't make going on the cruise dependent on this.
• Some 9 yr old girls look like they're 15. some 9 yr old girls look like they're 5. There is a lot of variety & diversity at this age and your DD has perhaps started to notice that she has some features that are unique.
• Vacation is NOT a time to pick battles about food. Whatever food habits, likes & dislikes she has prior to the trip will be there DURING the trip.
• What do you mean by moderation on the food choices? For example, if your DD has the run of the kitchen and is currently allowed to eat whatever and whenever she wants and if the pantry is stocked with lots of not-so-healthy choices, then your own choices at the grocery store might be contributing to the problem.
• Rome wasn't built in a day, so you & your DD won't be able to change the situation overnight. Replace unhealthy snacks with healthier options. Get the kid more physically active doing something she enjoys. And figure out what she is emotional about...expecting, of course, that the topic might change from 1 day to the next.

This is great. i really don't feel alone after reading this! Thanks. So many good, thoughtful responses, wish I could respond to all of you.

 

[Hamitchell]

I work with kids for a living and I've had a lot of luck with a program called 1, 2, 3 Magic. It's pretty simple and basically sets clear expectations for your child with consistent consequences. After about a week, most kids I've used it with, including my own, have significant improvements.

With that being said, it's so hard being a 9 year old girl. I remember days when the smallest infraction felt like the end of the world. This could be an opportunity to get her away from the stresses of life and reconnect with her. I personally wouldn't use it as a reward for behavior because once you get home, any other behavior rewards that follow will pale in comparison. I would market this to her as a gift for the whole family. A chance for all of you to make memories together. It might just make her feel a little extra loved knowing you want to spend time with her even when she's not been so fun to be around lately. =)

Reconnecting is a big part of it. We have focused more on spending time with her and anticipating her emotional times and meeting those with more patience. It seems to be working. The positive input and help, amd lowering the temp on discussions, has helped. Still work to do, but now that we understand a bit better what is going on, and what to do, and what others have faced and done, thanks to you guys. Things are much more pleasant . . .

 

[Hamitchell]

oh my goodness...this struck a cord with me in regards to my now 14 year old (we both have survived the preteen years I am happy to report)

Nine is a tough age. They are growing in both mind and body
at levels and pace that is a whirlwind to us as parents and also a whirlwind to them as well.
For no apparent reason they are suddenly angry, when before they were happy. It can take the smallest thing to set them off and then just a little effort will bring them back to earth.

When my daughter had/has issues with friends (and there were MANY at that age) we would find a spot to talk about it. ( I also have a 12 year old son who is soon to be 13) Yes, the hormones are running wild around here. Taking the time and having a quiet place to talk really helped us out. It was actually more about her talking and me listening and trying REALLY hard to not try and fix things for her. This is the hard part of parenting. The wanting to fix it and take away the hurt feelings or sadness.
Over the years, this has become a check in process for us both. She tends to get angry quickly but I am more of a slow burn kind of person.
Sometimes I wish I could more like her in that she gets upset, deals with it and moves on easily. Most times I let it simmer until something sets me off and then I deal with it. Basically, I am the 9 year old.

Hang tight, listen to her and when she gets uppity, ask her what the real problem is. Ask her to tell you about what led to the outburst and tell her you will love her regardless, but that you want to help her feel better about what is troubling her. And then shut up and listen.
There will be tangents, there will be crying jags where you cannot understand a word she is saying, there will be moments of apology where she is truly upset that she was mean to you. Reassure her that you love her and will always listen. Tell her that you were once her age and can share your wisdom when she wants to hear it. Most of all, know that the hormone levels are raging around in there and is contributing to what I call the Sybil complex. You just have to stay cool and calm and love her thru it.

As for food on cruises. Wow.... so hard to curtail the impulses of a 9 year old who will be surrounded by pizza, burgers, hot dogs, fries, ice cream etc.
Heck, I am 49 and have been on a "diet" for most of my adult life. When we cruise, I get small amounts of all my favorite foods and eat only that. No second go rounds, and lots of veggies and smart fruit carb choices. Desserts are harder because I really love desserts that I would never make at home or purchase at a restaurant. This is my downfall. I allow myself one ice cream cone during the day and 1 dessert in the evening at dinner.
It has made me very careful about my choices to know that there will only be ONE dessert. It better be a good one. lol

Perhaps, help her choose grilled chicken over the chicken tenders with some lower calorie dressing as a dip instead of barbecue sauce.
Select a veggie or fruit as a side. Or if she must have the fries, bring a single serving on a smaller plate. And then go with veggies or fruit if she is still hungry.
The family as a whole can make smarter choices without bringing the focus on only HER and what she can eat. Limit the fatty foods for everyone and eat in moderation what you normally would eat at home.

I am sorry this is so long. I absolutely feel for you and I know how hard this is. But keep your patience and stay in love with her even when she acts a bit crazed. You will all be okay if you stay open and talk it out.

Have a sensational cruise.

PS. Don't tell them about it until you were planning to. Threatening to take away what the family needs will only lead to resentment that will add to your DD stress (and yours too)

Thanks, Sytrace. All good stuff. I think the not fixing it for her and just listening is key. One of the mistakeswe were making. On the food front, she inherited my genes, so partly my fault and she is growing. I don't eat much anymore after weight loss surgery (I am diabetic), so I eat healthy but that doesn't impress a 9 year old on a cruise! But when we have been helpful and not puhy on food, she has been pretty good. Just a constant vigilence on our part is needed. She can eat fun stuff on the vacay, but just not every meal, all of us!

 

[Sytrace]

The not fixing it part is the hardest. I know I still struggle with that one and she is older now and able to work thru a lot on her own and then tell me about it after the fact. Still the Mama bear wants to check in sometimes. lol

Sounds like you are doing all that you can for her on all fronts. She will be fine and you will have a magical vacation.

 

[darnheather]

Her behavior is pretty normal for this age. Please do not spank her. It does not help. Also using the trip as a bribe is not helpful because then what will you do when you come back and her behavior deteriorates? Go and have a wonderful vacation and when you return sit down together as a family about how you want to proceed going forward. What sort of behaviors are expected and what will happen if those expectations are not met. If she continues to struggle then I suggest family and child counseling.