Surprise trip for 9 year old girl acting up of late

[Hamitchell]

What should we do? Whining, tantrums--makes it hard to rationalize taking her on a big trip. How can I work on her without spoiling the surprise? She is a sweet kid, but hitting that pre-teen phase when the emotions are running rampant. She is very tall and heavy for her age which we thimk doesn't help.

We also wamt to try to set the stage for moderation on the food choices. This is a 2 week b2b . . .

Any words off wisdom for us garppling with new challenges?

 

[MunFam]

I guess, I would just put it out on the table...we have planned a 2 week trip. We were going to surprise you but your behavior is making us question our decision to go on the trip at all.

Here are the following requests from you and lay them out. If food moderation for a 9 year old is on your agenda, I feel like that should be a family thing. Putting a 9 year old on a diet is I think that saying as a family you are no longer going to have junk in the house, eat smaller portions, etc. You get what you want without actually putting your child in a body-shaming situation. Spend time as a family working out, going for hikes, running, swimming whatever...

That is how we would handle the situation in our house. If the trip really was for our daughter...and we were really considering revoking because of her attitude, I would give her fair notice to shape up or the ships out. Now, if this surprise is really for your enjoyment and you dont plan on following through with canceling the trip...then I dont know what to tell you.

 

[wilkeliza]

Looks like you are going to have to out the surprise and level with her.

How close to PIF date are you?

Also with food, you are still the parent. At 9 if she is eating large amounts of junk food or massive portions you are enabling it. We had this situation with both my neice and nephew and it took their parents a few years to realize if they didn't buy the junk food or didn't put the portions on their kids plates then they weren't going to get it. They also put rules in place that grandma and grandpa were expected to enforce as well so that there was no cheating at their house.

 

[seashellmama]

Sounds like she really needs a vacation.

 

[lanejudy]

Is canceling the trip, or dropping your daughter from the plans, even an option for you? If you are past PIF and not willing to take a hit on cancellation fees (plus airfare, etc.) then I honestly would not approach it as tying her behavior to the trip. You really don't want good behavior that is simply because you threatened to drop her from a family vacation, because 1) the poor behavior is likely to return as soon as the trip is over and no further incentive exists to act properly, and 2) if you aren't willing to carry through on the threat it has no value. I have an 11-yr-old -- make that 11-going-on-23. It's typical but doesn't mean you have to tolerate rude, impolite or improper behavior. Stick to your family rules, call her out on it if/when she's off, be consistent with punishment. What do you currently use as incentive or punishment? I'd suggest having a discussion with her -- sit her down, talk about the recent mishaps (specific situations when she behaved improperly). Talk about punishment, and get her input. Kids can be amazingly insightful as to what will motivate them.

As to the eating... I agree with others that it should be a family lifestyle thing. Kids in my area get a lot of healthy-choices talk at school. They know what's good for them, but they need the adults in their lives to make it a priority - both eating and exercise. However, if you are honestly concerned about her weight/size, please speak with her pediatrician. Many pre-teen girls get a bit of pudge as part of the pre-pubescent growth and it generally thins out as they enter their mid-teens and change shape. Keep the focus on healthy choices for the family and don't make it personal about her body. Keep a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table or counter for snacks; don't buy the potato chips. Stock milk or flavored water in the fridge rather than sodas. Make sure vegetables are served at dinner, not option to eat one serving (and don't underestimate the ability of cheese to make veggies tasty to a kid). Have the whole family go for a walk after dinner. Go for a family bike ride on the weekend, or a family soccer game, etc.

Good luck with your tween and enjoy your cruise!

 

[Club Disney Chandler]

I guess, I would just put it out on the table...we have planned a 2 week trip. We were going to surprise you but your behavior is making us question our decision to go on the trip at all.

Here are the following requests from you and lay them out. If food moderation for a 9 year old is on your agenda, I feel like that should be a family thing. Putting a 9 year old on a diet is I think that saying as a family you are no longer going to have junk in the house, eat smaller portions, etc. You get what you want without actually putting your child in a body-shaming situation. Spend time as a family working out, going for hikes, running, swimming whatever...

That is how we would handle the situation in our house. If the trip really was for our daughter...and we were really considering revoking because of her attitude, I would give her fair notice to shape up or the ships out. Now, if this surprise is really for your enjoyment and you dont plan on following through with canceling the trip...then I dont know what to tell you.

Very well said on all fronts.

OP, the only thing I would add is if you are considering canceling the trip that would be punishing your son as well.

I think I'd put all cards on the table and let them know about the trip and have tangible expectations about both of their behaviors. I'd probably also give them weekly progress reports so they know where they stand. Just my $.02

 

[Flipflopgirl27]

While I'm not a parent, I'm a teacher. I can tell you the first rule of acting out is there's always a reason. Do you know why your daughter is acting like this? Has she always been like this and the development stage is just magnifying it?

Also, is it really fair to withhold the trip? First, are other people enjoying this trip? If so, is it fair to take away the cruise? If you are going to take the cruise, no matter the behavior, is it a fair/logical consequence? It's also not fair to take away something she knows nothing about. Another thing to consider is the time frame. When is the cruise? It isn't fair to hold the cruise over her head until
School lets out.

I believe finding a different consequence would be more effective and fair for everyone, but it's ultimately your family.

With the food, the last thing you want your daughter worrying about on the cruise is body image and eating. if you want a change, do it now. But I totally agree with the poster about making it a family project. This way her self esteem won't be affected at a very influential age. Make better rating and shopping decisions as a family. Cook healthy meals together. Surround her with healthy choices, including healthy choices about sweets/snacks. If she is surrounded by this mentality, the cruise will be easier.

Best of luck!

 

[bumbershoot]

She is a sweet kid, but hitting that pre-teen phase when the emotions are running rampant. She is very tall and heavy for her age which we thimk doesn't help.

So she's a normal 9 year old (the emotions). Trust me; DS dances, and he's one of two boys in his dance company. THe girls started losing it at about 8. It's NORMAL. To punish "normal" isn't OK, IMO. To help the kids through it is good.

Not sure how being tall and heavy "for her age" is changing things. Is she heavy for her *height*? Does the doctor think it's a problem?

Is she active? Does she move? Even the dancers (including DS) gained a little bit around that age, and then, wihtout their parents doing anything (well, DS has heard what Weight Watchers says b/c DH and I go to meetings and DS is too young to stay home, so he knows about portions), they have all trimmed down. And those girls (and my son) EAT. It's just an age thing.

We also wamt to try to set the stage for moderation on the food choices.

That's a family thing. It has to be.

Putting a 9 year old on a diet is

Exactly.

Thanks to my mom, who was smaller than I ever was (in height), and a relative teensy thing, complaining about her thighs, her arms, her belly, soooo often, I went on my first diet at the age of 9.

This culminated in me being 5'3" and at 42 being 220.8 lbs. That wasn't quite what I intended, but dieting at NINE, when getting a little heavy is normal and perfectly fine, can CAUSE that sort of result. At 42 I re-re-re-re-found Weight Watchers, finally paid attention, and FINALLY started controlling my portions. That's something my hard-working mom missed, while working her rear off and making sure we always had very good, healthy food. Alas, she missed portioning, and let me read books like Marie Osmond's diet book (I think that was somewhere between 500 and 700 calories per day).


Decide if this is a "if you're good" trip or a FAMILY trip. Help her succeed. Don't accidentally push a normal 9 year old into sneak eating or some other sort of eating disorder. Maybe get some help on how to transition the family to better eating. Talk to your most honest friends who have kids, and really talk about how those kids act. I promise you, the other kids are behaving just as beastly as yours is.

(and if your parents are around, ask them how you guys acted at that age!)

 

[Krissy22222]

I have a similar situation, DS gets frustrated super easily and in addition is easy to anger. From about age 7 to 11 had loads of tantrums and outbursts when he didn't get his way. We're frequent cruisers, and continued to take him on the cruises even though DH didn't think he "deserved" it. But we have other kids who don't have behavior issues, so why punish them? He is now almost 13 and I can finally say that he is growing out of the tantrum phase, and is a way mellower kid. He's learning to control his anger before it reaches tantrum stage. He was born a certain way just as my other kids were born a certain way so I didn't feel it was right to punish him by withholding the cruises for behaviors that are extremely hard to control. Maybe your daughter will grow out of her behaviors too? Hang in there!

 

[Jonathan Schmiat]

Looks like you are going to have to out the surprise and level with her.

 

[Pooh2]

I would keep the family trip a surprise as planned and work on the other issues at home before and after the trip.
Maybe having lost my 9 year old nephew unexpectedly 4 weeks ago gives me a different view point, but family life seems so hectic and crazy these days. Taking time to be together as a family is a good thing for kids. Bring your patience and have a great trip.

 

[MUN]

Do you spank her? Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

MUN

 

[Bree]

Her behavior could be normal, but we don't know know your child. We don't see her tantrums and outbursts. My DD is 10yo and I swear a demon inhabits her body from time to time. Leaving her behind on a two week trip will do more harm than good, IMO. As for her weight, I'm going to be harsh, but 99% of the issues can be solved by you. As parents, you provide the food that is in the home. You do the shopping and the cooking. A healthy relationship with food starts at home. If you want good food choices made onboard, you need to be doing it at home as a family.

As for spanking....I don't believe that debate belongs here on the DCL Forum.

 

[jeepnjudy]

While I'm not a parent, I'm a teacher. I can tell you the first rule of acting out is there's always a reason. Do you know why your daughter is acting like this? Has she always been like this and the development stage is just magnifying it?

Also, is it really fair to withhold the trip? First, are other people enjoying this trip? If so, is it fair to take away the cruise? If you are going to take the cruise, no matter the behavior, is it a fair/logical consequence? It's also not fair to take away something she knows nothing about. Another thing to consider is the time frame. When is the cruise? It isn't fair to hold the cruise over her head until
School lets out.

I agree, there is usually a reason for the behavior. When my DS11 starts acting out, I pull him aside, describe to him the behaviors I am seeing, remind him that is not typical and inquire what else is going on. More often than not I hear about something that happened at school that was upsetting and we discuss how he can cope with that situation in a healthy manner.

I believe finding a different consequence would be more effective and fair for everyone, but it's ultimately your family.

With the food, the last thing you want your daughter worrying about on the cruise is body image and eating. if you want a change, do it now. But I totally agree with the poster about making it a family project. This way her self esteem won't be affected at a very influential age. Make better rating and shopping decisions as a family. Cook healthy meals together. Surround her with healthy choices, including healthy choices about sweets/snacks. If she is surrounded by this mentality, the cruise will be easier.

Best of luck!

 

[aggiedog]

Whoever spares the rod hates their children,

OK then.

Mom to 4, ages 10-16. Yes, this can be normal at this age. I wouldn't take away the cruise, but I would discuss her behavior. We hold our kids to a pretty high standard of behavior, and for the most part, they achieve it. Admittedly, no spanking here. But we do discuss consequences of their actions, and discipline is usually restriction of privileges. (TV, iPad, DS, outings, etc.) It gets WAY easier for them to make those good choices as they get older though. Starting at 9 means you can start modeling the behavior you expect. Starting older just makes it that much harder to change. It's tough, this parenting thing!

As for food, our youngest loves to eat for eatings sake, without regard for if he's hungry, full, whatever. He'd be obese if left to his own devices. We eat pretty healthy, so the rule is we serve the portion of meat and carbs he can have, he can get seconds, or thirds, of veggies and fruits at any meal. Drinks are regular milk, or water. No juice, chocolate milk, sodas. Snacks are fruit or select packaged items like granola bars. At this age, if you just feed them healthy, they don't need to lose weight, just grow into the weight they are.

I would add that just because you are on a cruise with unlimited food everywhere, does not mean you need to eat it. You can do everything on the buffet, but just take a few bites worth of everything. You can get snacks and mickey bars, but is it necessary every night? Or can you do dessert at dinner one night and late night mickey bar the next?

I'm a doctor. I could go on and on about pediatric nutrition, so I'll stop here.

 

[MarleneP]

I agree with most of the previous posts. I do believe that setting the example will help. Many mentioned setting the example as far as healthy eating and exercise. But, sometimes we parents get irrational and throw tantrums ourselves. I often have to put myself "in-check" when I'm tired or not feeling well and start yelling about things that might not upset me on a different day. I think kids think this is an acceptable behavior for them, as well. She may even sense that you are keeping a secret from her! My DS, now 15, struggled with being a little pudgy when he was 9 to about 12. We try to lead by example but also realize kids like candy and junk food more than adults, sometimes. While cruising we pay close attention to what our kids put on their plates and if they ask to get more from a buffet, I tell them "wait until that hits bottom." And I make them wait about 10 minutes to see if they are still hungry. They know this means that I think they had enough to eat. If they insist (which rarely happens) I tell them they can get more fruit or salad....not bread or dessert. In the main dining room we never order 2 entrees nor do we enforce the "eat everything put in front of you." But we do stick to the "if you don't eat your dinner, you are not eating a bunch of junk later." Rules are only as good as the enforcer. Remember everything in moderation. And on a side note my DS....is now almost 6 feet tall and down right skinny. He eats like crazy but gets a lot of exercise and we set limits on the junk.
Enjoy your cruise! Remember what you were like those preteen years....a little sympathy may go far.

 

[wilkeliza]

Also just realized you have another child other than your 9 year old so is the surprise for both or was always suppose to be a reward for her? If it is indeed a family trip I would change my original advice and keep the surprise. However, if working on the attitude at home before the trip does not produce results you can still create punishments on vacation that don't mean everyone can't enjoy. We went on many family vacations where one of my siblings or I were in trouble so it meant things like we couldn't go swimming while everyone else did or we couldn't have ice cream mid day when everyone else was. Of course mom never took things away for the whole vacation it would just be like you got grades less than you are capable of so you won't be able to go swimming on days 1-3 or whatever. Then after those first few days of boredom we got to have fun as our punishment was over.

 

[Tink1010]

Unfortunately kids go through this phases. As stated earlier, I would sit her down and have a heart to heart talk and tell her about the vacation and tell her the behavior needs to change. That might mean consequences between now and the cruise.

As for the eating, I would start to enforce changes now in the family's diet and just set up clear expectations for the cruise. I feel a big part of cruising is the food and I am normally not as strict with my kids as when we are home. If it's a concern for you then make your expectations clear.

 

[Cruise-n-2015]

I didn't read all of the responses, so I apologize if this has been said.
I am a mom to 4. I have 2 girls and 2 boys. girls can certainly give you a run for your money, but they can also be your closest and dearest friend.
Take the time to regroup as a family strengthen bonds and be together. Sometimes when kids go through the hormonal changes they don't know or understand why they feel that way either.
Hang in, I know it isn't easy.. And have an amazing vacation!

 

[Hamitchell]

What a wonderful bunch of responses. This really helps my focus on these issues. We have beem workimg on them since Sept. that was our kids' check up with the pediatrition. We really just need to be more patient. We are guiding her on the food front. Mommy and I don't eat or have junk food. Lots of healthy stuff, but we worry that she has a hard time stopping. Her doc said she wd grow out of it, but it is hard when it's your kid.

The tantrums have been more recent and so unlike her. She is the kid at school that wamts to be everyone's buddy. She has expressed some anxiety about school work, transitioning through 3rd grade. I was doing stick figures in 3rd I think. Kids are pushed more theses days I think. I also know she doesn't like to shop for clothes because she can't fit in her buddys' clothing choices. Probably lots going on along with preteen changes. My first and only daughter, obviously.

It wd be unfair to little son to mess with the trip. We plan on some close family time during the holiday, including bikes and outdoor activities. Mommy and I have been traing for a half marathon and need to take our time off to be more active with the kids. I am 52 and it has taken a while to recover!

Thanks again for helping Mommy and I. We will review this and work with your good suggestions.

Have a great Thanksgiving.