Pro Se Divorce - advice, please!

[chrisw127]

It's not that I don't want half of everything. I did just want this to be simple. There is also a lot of debt involved, unfortunately. I have been a stay at home working mom for 13 years and I don't make much money. I am , however, leaning more towards retaining a lawyer. My kids are 19, 16 (almost 17), and 4. I do need to protect them. I just thought things could go simply, I really don't like confrontation. I am also feeling the "guilty" emotions of leaving him even though I absolutely know I am doing the right thing for all involved.

I hope this all makes sense. Thanks for letting me vent!

I don't think you can be a woman and not feel guilty! It seems to be programmed into our DNA. Honestly, having a lof of debt (it happens, don't beat yourself up about it) makes it even more important to see an attorney, because just as assets need to be fairly divided, so do debts. I have seen many women saddled with debt because all they wanted was to get out of the marriage and they felt guilty.

In your case, consider asking about rehabilitative alimony (which is short-term alimony, often around 2 - 5 years) so that you can get back on your feet. Remember that if you don't feel comfortable with this attorney, there are plenty more out there who will be more than happy to take have your case. Depending on your income level, you might also contact legal services in your area to see if they can recommend an attorney to take your case at a lower cost. While legal aid/services will usually take pro bono divorces in cases of domestic violence, they will also frequently recommend lawyers who will take cases for a reduced fee in situations where the parties cannot afford an attorney.

Hang in there.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. Only now I am more confused. My husband is the one who doesn't want to go through the lawyers because he feels the same way as DisneyBamaFan stated, but I'm not sure I know all the right things to say and do. I am not trying to get "half" of everything. I simply want custody of my children (there is no contest there), I need enough money to survive, and I would like permission to relocate to Florida. He is fine with all of this right now (very upset about me filing), but I can't imagine that the anger stage won't hit in the near future.

Any more opinions would be appreciated! Tomorrow is doomsday.....I have an appointment with a lawyer, I want to get the ball rolling, but I am still debating going pro se!!!! Yikes.....this is not going to be easy!

If you are not both on the same page, emotionally and otherwise, you need to get a lawyer. No matter what I might think of them as a group, there are times that you need someone who thinks like that on your side. That doesn't mean that you have to try to rake him over the coals - financially or otherwise. Your lawyer would work for you. If he/she tells you to ask for more than you want, tell your lawyer no...

 

[chrisw127]

If you are not both on the same page, emotionally and otherwise, you need to get a lawyer. No matter what I might think of them as a group, there are times that you need someone who thinks like that on your side. That doesn't mean that you have to try to rake him over the coals - financially or otherwise. Your lawyer would work for you. If he/she tells you to ask for more than you want, tell your lawyer no...

So, not to go OT, But why don't you like lawyers? Have you had a bad experience with one personally?

 

[Holly]

Get an attorney.


One of the stupidest things I've done in my adult life is get a pro se divorce with no legal advice. You'll be amazed at what can come back to haunt you.

I don't like confrontation, either, and I could have saved myself a lot if I had had things written into a divorce decree.

 

[kellyg403]

Get an attorney.


One of the stupidest things I've done in my adult life is get a pro se divorce with no legal advice. You'll be amazed at what can come back to haunt you.

I don't like confrontation, either, and I could have saved myself a lot if I had had things written into a divorce decree.

My divorce started out pro se, I am non confrontational and basically just wanted a happy ending. Thankfully I came to my senses around the time he was trying to make sure he buried me in my bid for it to be an amicable divorce. And really, it was my mother who mentioned she didn't raise a stupid child. I guess I got it!

Get a lawyer. Its better. You don't have to ream him a new one, it can be nice and fair even though you have lawyer. Trust me, you want nothing to come back and haunt you later.

Kelly

 

[Darsa]

I absolutely agree with about everyone here; you would be MUCH better off with a lawyer. I work for the bar and get calls constantly from people who divorced "on their own" and need a lawyer now because of promises not kept, etc. I think especially since 1) you have minor children and 2) you plan to relocate, that an attorney's advice is in your best interest.

I don't know if it's done in every state, but here some attorneys will work on an "unbundled" basis, giving you the advice you need and letting you do the legwork and forms, for a lesser rate (tho it's still expensive by most anyone's standards). I'd say you should do this at the very least!

Good luck to you!

 

[Chip126]

Thanks again, everyone! I am amazed at how many responses I have received. Even though I do know it, it's nice to see I'm not alone and that others are going through this or have been through this.

After reading all the responses, I think my mind is made up and I will keep my 1:00 lawyers appointment today. This is not my consultation - I did that with the lawyer a year ago.

My husband and I did not talk yesterday. He really doesn't want me to get a lawyer and I haven't told him my final decision which makes me a little nervous. He did go to work today so I think I will tell him when it is done - is that wrong of me to wait and not tell him at work?

He is so afraid to be served. I will be able to get the date and time for him, correct?

Again, thank you, this is so difficult for an indecisive person!

 

[Darsa]

Personally, I wouldn't tell him at work; that could seriously affect his performance and I know for a fact (painful lesson for my DH) that, depending on his workplace, a dangerous thing to have a change in work performance

I'm not sure if you can specify a time/place for someone to be served; not sure how something like that is handled.

 

[mvazul]

Personally, I wouldn't tell him at work; that could seriously affect his performance and I know for a fact (painful lesson for my DH) that, depending on his workplace, a dangerous thing to have a change in work performance

I'm not sure if you can specify a time/place for someone to be served; not sure how something like that is handled.

I'm not sure if it's done the same everywhere, but my ex was served via certified mail.

Michelle

 

[kellyg403]

I'm not sure if it's done the same everywhere, but my ex was served via certified mail.

Michelle

So was mine. Your lawyer can tell you what you can do. You don't have to use a process server or the sherrif. Your state may be different, but a lawyer knows what to do!

Kelly

 

[Chicago526]

Thanks again, everyone! I am amazed at how many responses I have received. Even though I do know it, it's nice to see I'm not alone and that others are going through this or have been through this.

After reading all the responses, I think my mind is made up and I will keep my 1:00 lawyers appointment today. This is not my consultation - I did that with the lawyer a year ago.

My husband and I did not talk yesterday. He really doesn't want me to get a lawyer and I haven't told him my final decision which makes me a little nervous. He did go to work today so I think I will tell him when it is done - is that wrong of me to wait and not tell him at work?

He is so afraid to be served. I will be able to get the date and time for him, correct?

Again, thank you, this is so difficult for an indecisive person!

I would say that the more he doesn't want you to get a lawyer, the more you probably need one! I agree with the others, you can can have lawyers involved and still keep things civil. Really, it boils down to the two people involved, if both parties act like grown ups and make at least an attempt to be fair minded, it tends to go smother, lawyers or no.

You mentioned that you have a lot of debt as well as assets, your lawyer may have told you all this already, but you need to get a copy of all three of your credit reports. You need to know exactly what your debts are, and if they are paid up to date (especially if your ex handles the bills). You should also put a freeze on your credit, so your ex can't open any new accounts in your name. Also, and I can't stress this enough, you also need to check the credit for and put freezes on your childrens credit (and have your 19 year old do it too). Some parents, either out of desperation or revenge, will open accounts in their childrens names, run up tons of debt, and then leave their ex and/or their kids to clean it up. Some kids don't even find it until they apply for college loans! Hopefully your ex isn't the type to do something like this, but their is no way to know for sure. I'd get those freezes in place before you tell him you have a lawyer if possible, that way if he goes over the edge, there isn't much damage he can do.

 

[EdiePA]

He doesn't have to be served at work. My ex was served the papers at his lawyers office. (He was going to have me served at work, I filed first and was the bigger person.)

Edie

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

So, not to go OT, But why don't you like lawyers? Have you had a bad experience with one personally?

Many, but I don't want to take this thread off topic. There are times that they are a necessity...

 

[ilovejack02]

Just checking in.. hope all is well with you and things are going as smoothly as possible.

 

[MassJester]

Life altering legal processes should be undertaken only with the benefit of a qualified attorney.

If you want to file suit against a merchant that scammed you out of a few thousand dollars, and feel capable of representing yourself, then give it a shot.

Criminal matters, estate planning, divorce, child custody, etc. -- much too important to...give it a shot on your own.

 

[Chip126]

Update........well thanks to many of you here who encouraged me to get a lawyer....I did and it's a good thing I did already!

HAVE YOU SEEN MY HUSBAND??? Okay, last Sunday he avoided me like the plague. Monday morning he left for work before I got up so I didn't see him. He did leave me an note and ask me to call him, but I didn't because I knew he would talk me out of going to the lawyer. The lawyer said that he could go to his office to be served by the sheriff to make it easier.

Okay, left the lawyers at 2:00 p.m. with a pretty good feeling that this would go amicably - NOT! I was a nervous wreck waiting for him to tell him that I went to the lawyers and so on and so forth, BUT he didn't come home. My oldest son talked to him at 10:00 p.m. and he told him that he wasn't coming home until he got help (I don't think I mentioned in my previous posts that he is an addict/alcoholic). I tried to call him twice immediately after my son hung up, but he did not take my call.

On Tuesday, I spoke to my lawyer and he said we would find him that he would contact me if he heard anything and I was to contact him immediately if I heard anything. My husband's voice mailbox has been full all week and now today it was changed to say that he would be out of work until further notice and to call the office (in a woman's voice). I called his boss and he knows nothing other than he is out on a medical leave.

So....it looks like he checked himself into rehab. Although I can't be sure because he never told me ANYTHING!!!

This week has been such a mix of emotions. After ten yearsj of this, I know he needs help, but to me this was well planned out and I feel that he ran from the truth of things. In the long run, telling him I was divorcing him probably saved his life. BUT now I think everything is on hold. I wanted him to get help, but he has had plenty of years to do it and could have even done it after I got the ball rolling. AM I WRONG TO BE SO ANGRY????

I feel guilty for being angry, but I can't believe he did this. If he is at rehab.

Does anyone know what happens if they can't find him to subpoena him or if they do find him in rehab....will they serve him there?

I don't even know what to think!

Well anyway, that's the update. Thanks for letting me ramble on and on! I'm such a mess now

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Update........well thanks to many of you here who encouraged me to get a lawyer....I did and it's a good thing I did already!

HAVE YOU SEEN MY HUSBAND??? Okay, last Sunday he avoided me like the plague. Monday morning he left for work before I got up so I didn't see him. He did leave me an note and ask me to call him, but I didn't because I knew he would talk me out of going to the lawyer. The lawyer said that he could go to his office to be served by the sheriff to make it easier.

Okay, left the lawyers at 2:00 p.m. with a pretty good feeling that this would go amicably - NOT! I was a nervous wreck waiting for him to tell him that I went to the lawyers and so on and so forth, BUT he didn't come home. My oldest son talked to him at 10:00 p.m. and he told him that he wasn't coming home until he got help (I don't think I mentioned in my previous posts that he is an addict/alcoholic). I tried to call him twice immediately after my son hung up, but he did not take my call.

On Tuesday, I spoke to my lawyer and he said we would find him that he would contact me if he heard anything and I was to contact him immediately if I heard anything. My husband's voice mailbox has been full all week and now today it was changed to say that he would be out of work until further notice and to call the office (in a woman's voice). I called his boss and he knows nothing other than he is out on a medical leave.

So....it looks like he checked himself into rehab. Although I can't be sure because he never told me ANYTHING!!!

This week has been such a mix of emotions. After ten yearsj of this, I know he needs help, but to me this was well planned out and I feel that he ran from the truth of things. In the long run, telling him I was divorcing him probably saved his life. BUT now I think everything is on hold. I wanted him to get help, but he has had plenty of years to do it and could have even done it after I got the ball rolling. AM I WRONG TO BE SO ANGRY????

I feel guilty for being angry, but I can't believe he did this. If he is at rehab.

Does anyone know what happens if they can't find him to subpoena him or if they do find him in rehab....will they serve him there?

I don't even know what to think!

Well anyway, that's the update. Thanks for letting me ramble on and on! I'm such a mess now

Is there something pressing that has you needing to serve him while in rehab? Seriously, even if the two of you are "done", wait until he gets out of rehab. Drug addiction is horrible...

 

[Chip126]

Is there something pressing that has you needing to serve him while in rehab? Seriously, even if the two of you are "done", wait until he gets out of rehab. Drug addiction is horrible...

No there is nothing "pressing". I am just wondering if there is a time limit once I sign the papers with the lawyer that he has to be served and what happens if he is not found.

I know that drug addiction is horrible. I have lived with it for years. I want him to get help, I just feel that he could have said something before just walking out on his family to do this. Like I said, I don't even know for sure that he is in rehab.