Pro Se Divorce - advice, please!

[Chip126]

Hi there,

Just wondering if anyone has done a pro se divorce? My husband and I are talking about doing this to save lawyer expenses. It is legal in my state. I would be the plaintiff and have to file all the appropriate papers. I am wondering if this is a good option to take (we do want to keep it simple - at this point he is not arguing about anything) or is it always best to invest in the lawyers?

Also, if you have done this, how long did it take?

Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated!

Kim

 

[momof1princess]

having worked in a lawyer's office in the past, i've seen divorces that were filed pro se turn ugly later on, but if you've truly got an amicable agreement, you could go ahead and file. if things go south, you can retain an attorney at that point. just go to the clerk's office and find out what you need to file. our clerk's office is really lazy and would make us fill out all the forms THEY were supposed to fill out when we filed a divorce case. i really don't miss that job, lol. i wish you good luck

 

[mickeyboat]

Since it appears there are children involved, I strongly suggest you retain the services of a lawyer. I have seen someone do pro se before, but there were no children involved, no retirement packages involved, and no disagreement regarding other assets.

If you choose to go pro se, make very good friends with the court clerk. He or she will be the one who can help with whatever forms you need to complete.

Denae

 

[momof1princess]

sorry, op, i didn't notice there are children involved. you might want to retain an attorney and try to do an uncontested divorce instead. this would mean you would hire an attorney and you both would meet with the attorney and make an agreement and the lawyer would file divorce paperwork based upon your agreement. techincally, you would be the client. if things turn bad, then your DH could get his own attorney and you would already have one (make sure you get the best attorney you can afford). if you do decide to try the pro se route, i still wish you luck. it CAN work, and i hope it does for you. divorce is hard.

 

[ctinct]

I'm also in CT, op, and really, there are so many things that divorcing spouses don't think about that lawyers do, that I would not recommend going it alone. And, no, I'm not a lawyer, but I am divorced. I ended up despising my lawyer (hard to reach, uncommunicative) but I have to admit she knew of things I would not have thought of. For example, the spouse who is paying child support should provide proof of life insurance yearly. (Mine doesn't -guess I need to see a different lawyer, because he is supposed to.) Who carries medical for the kids? What happens if one spouse wants to move? Does your spouse have a pension? QDROs are complicated. (Not sure if I have the acronym right, but has to do with pension-qualified domestic something or other.)

And he may not be arguing about anything now, but things can turn ugly pretty fast. Been there, done that.

ETA: One reason to see a lawyer RIGHT away is they can file standing orders that neither spouse can do anything financially while the divorce is pending. In my case, we were separated a number of years before filing. I should have seen a lawyer much sooner. My ex cashed out his IRA (that he would not have even had if I had not set it up and funded from our joint funds) but I could not recover any of that money because it was in his name---I was only the beneficiary. Also, did you know that he can withdraw ALL the funds from any joint accounts you have? Charge up joint credit card accounts......well, you get the idea. Good luck with your decision. It's hard, but you will survive and thrive.

 

[livie1205]

I would NOT do it yourself.....my dh and his ex did that (and they have a son) and it has been down hill ever since! we have had to sue her for contempt and lots of other stuff many times...She was ordered to remove his name from a car she BEGGED the judge for ,she did NOT and then turned it in as a repo...we files a judgement ,won it then she filed chapter 13 the next day!I payed for a car that I have never seen...because we were closing on our house we built in a week and the bank wanted to sue US!! BIG MESS and that is just some of it...get a lawyer please.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

For yourself, for your children---do NOT do it alone. An attorney will help protect you and your best interests.

 

[chrisw127]

...

 

[kerrynic78]

sorry, op, i didn't notice there are children involved. you might want to retain an attorney and try to do an uncontested divorce instead. this would mean you would hire an attorney and you both would meet with the attorney and make an agreement and the lawyer would file divorce paperwork based upon your agreement. techincally, you would be the client. if things turn bad, then your DH could get his own attorney and you would already have one (make sure you get the best attorney you can afford). if you do decide to try the pro se route, i still wish you luck. it CAN work, and i hope it does for you. divorce is hard.

I am going through a divorce right now involving a child and this is exactly what we are doing.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If there is trust left in the relationship, don't feed the trolls (lawyers). If not, beg the trolls for help. They won't be looking out for you (they are looking out for their wallets), but they will protect you as long as you can pay.

Can you tell that I don't like lawyers?

Good luck...

 

[Darcy03231]

I work in the family law area. What I would do if you're trying to keep costs down is to decide between you and your husband how you're dividing your assets/debts. Before anything is signed see an attorney in your area that specializes in family law and have them review it. This way you'll know whether or not your getting a fair deal before the paperwork is signed and submitted to the Court. It make cost you a couple of hours of time, but it better to spend it up front and make sure you have everything you're entitled to than to try to get out of a bad deal later on.

 

[mickeyboat]

Another way to save costs is to ask the lawyer how much you can do on your own. By that I mean gathering financial information (and other information_ and organizing it well. Also respond as promptly and thoroughly as you can to his or her questions.

 

[Chip126]

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. Only now I am more confused. My husband is the one who doesn't want to go through the lawyers because he feels the same way as DisneyBamaFan stated, but I'm not sure I know all the right things to say and do. I am not trying to get "half" of everything. I simply want custody of my children (there is no contest there), I need enough money to survive, and I would like permission to relocate to Florida. He is fine with all of this right now (very upset about me filing), but I can't imagine that the anger stage won't hit in the near future.

Any more opinions would be appreciated! Tomorrow is doomsday.....I have an appointment with a lawyer, I want to get the ball rolling, but I am still debating going pro se!!!! Yikes.....this is not going to be easy!

 

[mvazul]

I would like to join the others who say to get an attorney.

I know you say your husband is agreeing to everything now, but that does not mean he will continue to in the future. Just the relocation thing has me worried for you.

When my son was 6, my current husband and I moved to Minnesota from Pennsylvania. My husband was offered a promotion for work. I spoke to my ex-husband about it and he agreed to allow me to move and take our son. I filed papers (with the help of my attorney) and we had a hearing on the day we were moving. When we got to court, my ex changed his story and told the judge he never agreed to us moving. We already had the U-Haul packed and ready to go and I was to start a new job as soon as we got out there. The judge wouldn't rule that day and set another hearing for 6 weeks later.

I still had to move. The judge ruled that I could not take my son with me. The ex refused to care for him. So, my mother and sister agreed to watch him until I could get back. On our way to Minnesota, I stopped to call my mother and see how my son was. My mother told me as soon as I left, the ex filed abandonment charges on me. So, I had to get to Minnesota, unpack, buy an Amtrack ticket and immediately return to Pennsylvania. I had to stay in Pennsylvania until our hearing. At that hearing, the judge granted me permission to move with my son. In the meantime, I lost the job.

After court, the ex told me he knew I would be able to move, but he was going to make it his mission to make my life a living hell. He also told me it was going to be his mission to destroy my relationship with my husband. He's given it a really good effort. I will PM you with other stuff he has done.

Good luck to you and definitely get an attorney!

Michelle

 

[ilovejack02]

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. Only now I am more confused. My husband is the one who doesn't want to go through the lawyers because he feels the same way as DisneyBamaFan stated, but I'm not sure I know all the right things to say and do. I am not trying to get "half" of everything. I simply want custody of my children (there is no contest there), I need enough money to survive, and I would like permission to relocate to Florida. He is fine with all of this right now (very upset about me filing), but I can't imagine that the anger stage won't hit in the near future.

Any more opinions would be appreciated! Tomorrow is doomsday.....I have an appointment with a lawyer, I want to get the ball rolling, but I am still debating going pro se!!!! Yikes.....this is not going to be easy!

If he is very upset about you filing .. he is going to get mad soon. It happens to almost everyone. I have watched about 12 of my friends get divorced since 2007. At first most have wanted to do the same thing and then it almost always breaks down in the process.
I have only one couple that it has truly worked for.
To save cost like others have said.. try to come to an agreement together without the help of lawyers but then have your respective attorney right u agreements.
It is the only way you will be really protected.

 

[ctinct]

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. Only now I am more confused. My husband is the one who doesn't want to go through the lawyers because he feels the same way as DisneyBamaFan stated, but I'm not sure I know all the right things to say and do. I am not trying to get "half" of everything. I simply want custody of my children (there is no contest there), I need enough money to survive, and I would like permission to relocate to Florida. He is fine with all of this right now (very upset about me filing), but I can't imagine that the anger stage won't hit in the near future.

Any more opinions would be appreciated! Tomorrow is doomsday.....I have an appointment with a lawyer, I want to get the ball rolling, but I am still debating going pro se!!!! Yikes.....this is not going to be easy!

Okay, I need to add on to my prior opinion. You really MUST get a lawyer. You are trying to be nice. I think a lot of women do this--after all, we are usually the nurturers in the family.There's no need for acrimony, but you must approach this in a clear-eyed, level-headed manner. You may not be entitled to half, but you absolutely should get everything you are entitled to. On the other hand, you may be entitled to more than half---you will have the added expense of raising the children. When it comes right down to it, marriage is a legal contract. You won't ever see a business person say, well, I just need enough money to survive. Also, with you planning to move to Florida, it will be that much harder for you to amend things later, if need be. Believe me, I know it is difficult to hand over money to a lawyer, especially when you have little to begin with, but in your case, I absolutely think it is necessary. I had to borrow from my parents to pay my lawyer.

Also, while you may just need enough money to survive, think about your children. Not only will they have a tough time with the divorce and the move, but their standard of living is likely to go down. If you don't want to see a lawyer for your sake, PLEASE, PLEASE see a lawyer for your children's sake. And learn from my mistake. Don't go with the first lawyer you meet with. Most lawyers will do the initial consultation for free. See a few to find one you are comfortable with before making a decision about which lawyer to retain. I wish you and your entire family the best.

 

[chrisw127]

Do you mind telling us why you don't want half of your joint your property? While it may not seem like it's worth fighting over now, further down the road it might be, particularly when you consider that your household income is likely going to decrease considerably post-divorce. It's really important to take what is rightfully yours from this situation. I'm not sure how old you are or what your status is regarding employment, but you will not receive permanent (as opposed to rehabilitative) alimony unless you are disabled, older or otherwise unable to work. If only for this reason, it's important for you to leave with what is rightfully yours--and this is the case whether or not you've worked outside the home.

If he doesn't want a lawyer, he's entitled to his opinion, but you are also entitled to yours. This doesn't have to be a nasty divorce, but you should have an attorney.

Good luck.

 

[kerrynic78]

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. Only now I am more confused. My husband is the one who doesn't want to go through the lawyers because he feels the same way as DisneyBamaFan stated, but I'm not sure I know all the right things to say and do. I am not trying to get "half" of everything. I simply want custody of my children (there is no contest there), I need enough money to survive, and I would like permission to relocate to Florida. He is fine with all of this right now (very upset about me filing), but I can't imagine that the anger stage won't hit in the near future.

Any more opinions would be appreciated! Tomorrow is doomsday.....I have an appointment with a lawyer, I want to get the ball rolling, but I am still debating going pro se!!!! Yikes.....this is not going to be easy!

Wow, I feel like I am reading about my life! My DH does not want to involve lawyers at all but after talking to many people they made me realize that an attorney was the best way to go since we have a child involved and no matter how nice and easy my DH says he wants this to be, everyone keeps telling me that if problems arise, it is best to have an attorney.

I actually plan on relocating to CT from Florida with my daughter and my attorney says there is no way I should even attempt to do this without a lawyer because if everything is not done absolutely perfectly, my DH could haul me back to FL if he got mad at me for any reason, costing me thousands of dollars. I want to make sure everything is done right so that I have no worries in the future.

 

[Chip126]

Do you mind telling us why you don't want half of your joint your property? While it may not seem like it's worth fighting over now, further down the road it might be, particularly when you consider that your household income is likely going to decrease considerably post-divorce. It's really important to take what is rightfully yours from this situation. I'm not sure how old you are or what your status is regarding employment, but you will not receive permanent (as opposed to rehabilitative) alimony unless you are disabled, older or otherwise unable to work. If only for this reason, it's important for you to leave with what is rightfully yours--and this is the case whether or not you've worked outside the home.

If he doesn't want a lawyer, he's entitled to his opinion, but you are also entitled to yours. This doesn't have to be a nasty divorce, but you should have an attorney.

Good luck.

It's not that I don't want half of everything. I did just want this to be simple. There is also a lot of debt involved, unfortunately. I have been a stay at home working mom for 13 years and I don't make much money. I am , however, leaning more towards retaining a lawyer. My kids are 19, 16 (almost 17), and 4. I do need to protect them. I just thought things could go simply, I really don't like confrontation. I am also feeling the "guilty" emotions of leaving him even though I absolutely know I am doing the right thing for all involved.

I hope this all makes sense. Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[BirdLegsRed]

Haven't read all the replies but I advise going with a lawyer. WHen my ex and I got divorced he didn't want to use a lawyer either...said he was going to give me 200 a week in child support, and other things. I got a lawyer anyway, he was ordered to pay 186 a week and after he and his girlfriend started getting a house and racking up debt he balked at paying the 186.

Fortunately I had a court order and it was taken out of his check. But had we had no atty involved I would have been in bad shape. Yes I don't trust them either but sometimes you gotta use them.