Parenting Dilemma - Charming and I don't agree....

[sookie]

You mean prince charming? hahahahahaha!!!



Seriously, I would take her out. It isn't worth it!! Find something the kid really wants to do and something that is less of a time drain.

 

[Southernmiss]

The time commitment that your other 2 kids have to put in, really doesn't bother me at all. To me, it's just part of life. My dd has spent a good chunk of her life at my older ds's multiple practices/games/tournaments for his multiple sports. I just make sure we pack stuff for her to do or stay entertained with and maybe a few healthy snacks...honestly during football season, we just keep a bag packed as we're gone every night. Is there a park nearby? So that wouldn't even be part of the conversation for me.

Not sure why your 7 year old couldn't do an activity at some point during the year, but you stated it was a different conversation, so I wouldn't consider that either.

Your time commitment and getting homework done etc...I know it's a lot, and there are times that I feel like all we do is spend time at my ds's practices/games etc., but he really really loves it and would play sports 24/7 if he could. As far as homework, you said it was a 1/2 hour away? She could always do homework, study in the car...that's what my ds (10) does and we've been doing it that way for years. As long as he keeps his grades up I'm fine with it.

I think some kind of activity is good for kids, but if your dd doesn't want to do it, I wouldn't make her, however I would encourage her to keep playing if she's just on the fence about it. You never know, she may end up really liking it and having a strong passion for it and as crazy as it sounds, I can relate to your DH saying that if she doesn't play this year, she's basically done. Yes, it's weird, but that kinda how it seems to be. The kids miss out on a lot and it takes a lot to catch up if they miss a season or two.

Obviously you have to do what works best for your family as whole, but those are just my thoughts.

MTE. Mom of 4. DH works an hour away and referees high school soccer in the evenings and has evening meetings. I am responsible for a huge chunk of kid activities. I have hauled younger kids since they were tiny to their siblings activities. No biggie. They often actually enjoy it. I am the one who finds it a drag. But I do it for my kids. They truly grow up fast and before you know it it's all a blur and you miss these times.

The issue is the 3 of you need to sit and talk about this together. If softball isn't the activity for your DD then find something else.

 

[nskjerven]

V - girls engaged in sports do better in life - yes it's hard - but it's your life & your know it - tell him you need more help - ask your girl friends for more help - they are there to support you - you need to ask & Sam doesn't know the value of what she is giving up at this point - she can't make an adult choice as a child.

Do the best you can.

Remember - it is hard the first couple of years with a new baby and add to that 2 other children and full time jobs and a marriage and a life.

breathe baby. Blink and it is gonna be over before you know it

Love you -

Nan

 

[Robbi]

I agree with your husband. If she sits out she will be behind. There is a lot of scholarship money that goes to athletes. My daughter is 5 and is being conditioned to be a competitive gymnast. She loves it and as I speak we are at the gym. When she doesn't want to come we still push it because she can't stop now and then decide she likes it later. The more you push the better.

2 girls who are friends with my daughter had moms who thought like you do.

One girl had a nervous breakdown at 15. The other moved with her mom to study with Nadia Comenci's coach, Bela Károlyi, because she was that good. She shattered her ankle and had to work very hard to even walk again. She was 17.
These girls were excellent athletes. If your daughter loves gymnastics, let her enjoy it. Watch out for coaches who just want your $$$.

OP, our daughter was a competitive cheerleader for 6 years-lots of after school practices and traveling for competitions. Both my husband and I said that if there had not been such a large age gap when she started with her being the baby at 9 and her brother 19 and in college, there's no way she could have done it.

 

[sam_gordon]

Regarding college scholarships for kids...

I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking about scholarship $$ for a child. HOWEVER, it should be on the same level as "when I win the powerball". It's a dream, it's a hope. If you're "pushing" a child who's a decade from college BECAUSE of the possible scholarship, that's too far IMO. Let kids be kids.

 

[Mandychelle79]

The only rule I have with my kids- Finish out your commitment.

So for most sports it would be to finish out the season
dance- the recital
Swimming- the session we are in
Gymnastics- I have to give a two week notice and each session is 4 weeks long. Doubtful either of them will be on the team ( though my son may if he continues like he has been)

But my kids do sports for fun and its up to them what they do as long as it works with the family schedule. If it doesnt, they have to choose.

 

[hops&dreams]

OP - I agree with a PP - You and your DH need to sit down and discuss why he wants her to play so badly? Is it because it's something that HE and SHE can share? (That's why my DH is so delighted that DD has taken a shine to softball.) You need to present your concerns, and together, define the priorities for the family. In my family, grades trump any extra curriculars. Because if you're not smart enough to get into college, any offers of scholarships won't matter.

Then, as a team, you and DH should sit down with your DD. Ask her if she wants to play, and why. Does she truly love the sport? What is she willing to give up to play? Does she realize the sacrifices the rest of the family members make so that she can play? Is she willing to give it her all?

Good luck! Let us know how it turns out!

 

[castleview]

I agree with your husband. If she sits out she will be behind. There is a lot of scholarship money that goes to athletes. My daughter is 5 and is being conditioned to be a competitive gymnast. She loves it and as I speak we are at the gym. When she doesn't want to come we still push it because she can't stop now and then decide she likes it later. The more you push the better.

I'm thinking this is satire. If it's not though, boy will the next 10 years be painful for your family. If she becomes good enough to get a college scholarship, you will have paid pretty much the equivalent of a state university education by then…and most universities offering full gymnastics rides are state schools. You also need to take into account growth, burnout and injuries. So tread slowly and please change your attitude.

OP, it sounds like your daughter has to want to do that particular kind of play. If her heart's not in it, it's not worth it.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I agree that the three of you need to sit down and talk. You and DH must agree to respect yoru DD's opinion. If she's not begging to do softball, I'm leaning towards letting her quit. But, don't put it in those terms--more like, put it aside for now. Perhaps there's another sport or activity she'd like to try? By not doing softball, she might have room for dance/drama/karate. And some time away from it might make her realize that it WAS really important to her.

As tothe practicing thing--if you suggest going out in the yard and practicing, will she do it? I have a DD9 who's a cellist, and is quite talented. We do sometimes have to push her to practice. But, once she has that cello in her hands, you can't pry it out. She'll work on tuning, try new songs in her books, read through the music while listening to her cello CDs, etc. Once she's in "cello mode", she's there for quite a while. She just needs to be nudged to get started, because she doesn't like to put down the book or pick up the game to do so. If your DD is like this, then she may like softball more than you think.

 

[mjkacmom]

Most of my kids are VERY involved in sports and dance. Ds9 is on 2 travel soccer teams and 1 travel basketball team (and 1 rec) right now. My girls dance every weeknight, and have for 5 - 7 years now. Ds14, before HS, was on 2 - 3 teams every single season. Now he just did freshman soccer in the fall, and will be doing spring soccer and crew in the spring. Dd16 tried them all, and stopped each sport after a season - she's into musical theater.

However - my kids LOVE it. And for the things they tried, and didn't love (dd9's 2 years of rec softball, gymnastics, ice skating, ballet, swimming - all 5 of them tried many things), they stopped doing. All I need to hear is "do I have to go?", and they finish out the season, and are DONE.

DH and ds9 talked me in to club soccer (practices and games are 1/2 hour away, several times a week - and keep in mind he has other teams). It's expensive and time consuming. Ds9 lives and breathes soccer, and has never complained, or asked to skip a practice. DH is in charge, 100%, of making sure he can get to and from practices (we carpool), and get him to games. I said yes, only because ds9 really wants it.

I will let my kids do what they want - provided they REALLY REALLY love it. Dd9 also does travel soccer (DH is really into soccer). So far, she likes it (and I want her to do things besides dance - dd11 is only dance, although has tried many other things). It also helps that several of her bff's are on the team. However, she and DH know that, if she wants to quit, at any point, she can finish out the season, and be done.

OP, sit your dd down, and really try to determine if she loves softball, and wants to play, or just wants to make your DH happy. My 2 youngest girls are big people-pleasers, so we usually need to let them know that it's up to them, and we won't be disappointed in their decisions.

 

[lillygator]

OP, are you working full time also? You mention that you work and then get home later to pick up all three kids What time do you do the pickups and what time is the practice?

Yes, I work full time as well. I shouldn't be leaving before 5:30 or 6 and that is when the practice time is as well.

Is there any way you can have a third party (grandparent, aunt, etc.) talk to your DD to find out if it's really something important to her?

Unfortunatley it seems all her buddies and teammates live close to the field.

Someone mentioned that she is not adult enough to make this decision, I agree, but in the same sense, she is also not able to see the sacrifices we have to make and what kind of impact it has on the family as a whole.

Dh came home and didn't talk about it, went to bed early too. I found out more from DD. Things I am not pleased that he discussed with her. He is definitley the one trying to manipulate the situation.

This is a rec team, not a travel team. Once the season starts, there are no practices, just games. Tryouts were last night BUT they are ALWAYS looking for girls that it would not be a problem to walk on to a team. There are enough teams that it is pretty rare for anyone to be sitting the bench. The draft is on Saturday and the coaches are pretty political about the whole thing.

If I really felt she was in to it, I would be all for it, but I just don't see that. I don't think she has found what she is passionate about yet.

 

[npmommie]

Yes, I work full time as well. I shouldn't be leaving before 5:30 or 6 and that is when the practice time is as well.


Unfortunatley it seems all her buddies and teammates live close to the field.

Someone mentioned that she is not adult enough to make this decision, I agree, but in the same sense, she is also not able to see the sacrifices we have to make and what kind of impact it has on the family as a whole.

Dh came home and didn't talk about it, went to bed early too. I found out more from DD. Things I am not pleased that he discussed with her. He is definitley the one trying to manipulate the situation.

This is a rec team, not a travel team. Once the season starts, there are no practices, just games. Tryouts were last night BUT they are ALWAYS looking for girls that it would not be a problem to walk on to a team. There are enough teams that it is pretty rare for anyone to be sitting the bench. The draft is on Saturday and the coaches are pretty political about the whole thing.

If I really felt she was in to it, I would be all for it, but I just don't see that. I don't think she has found what she is passionate about yet.

Have you talked to your dd about it!

 

[kim929]

OP, our daughter was a competitive cheerleader for 6 years-lots of after school practices and traveling for competitions. Both my husband and I said that if there had not been such a large age gap when she started with her being the baby at 9 and her brother 19 and in college, there's no way she could have done it.

I agree with this 100%. There is a big age difference between my youngest and the oldest, (26,23,23,19,18 and 11) youngest ds would never had been able to play travel baseball


Wondering if you spoke with your dd

 

[sam_gordon]

Regarding the grades...

Around here, the U10 softball season starts in April (maybe a practice or two in March) and goes through June. U12 (middle school) doesn't start until after school ball is done (usually beginning to middle of May). If she's 10, she's in what, 4th grade? Maybe 5th? I'm not saying to ignore grades, but it's not like if her grades drop at this point, she won't get into college.

 

[Kellydelly]

I have 3 kids and each of them spent a lot of time at each other's sports practices and games. I just always went prepared. I still have "The Homework Box" that I kept in the car (my youngest is now 20)...pens, crayons, markers, paper, ruler, folders, labels, etc...so that, for the most part, the other kids had what they needed to work on homework. Too bad if my kids ever thought it wasn't fair to them...their time came; sometimes real life gets inconvenient. As for a one year old, they can be entertained. Softball = outside. A walk in the stroller, outdoor toys, etc. It can be done, unless you just really don't want to.

.

This is the part of the OP's argument that I cannot agree with: torturing the other siblings by making them attend the practices and games. My son spent many hours at the dance studio when his sisters were in class, never hurt him. Now he is in baseball and his sisters spend hours at the field hanging out for practices and games. It is FAMILY time. The homework argument is lame too, if she is playing at 7 pm, there should be plenty of time for her to get homework done when she gets home from school before the games. Go prepared like MaryAnn with snacks and things for the other kids to do and just BE TOGETHER. Unless of course your daughter really does have no interest.

 

[lillygator]

This is the part of the OP's argument that I cannot agree with: torturing the other siblings by making them attend the practices and games. My son spent many hours at the dance studio when his sisters were in class, never hurt him. Now he is in baseball and his sisters spend hours at the field hanging out for practices and games. It is FAMILY time. The homework argument is lame too, if she is playing at 7 pm, there should be plenty of time for her to get homework done when she gets home from school before the games. Go prepared like MaryAnn with snacks and things for the other kids to do and just BE TOGETHER. Unless of course your daughter really does have no interest.

There is not "plenty of time" for homework since my children go to after care - she would go straight from there to the field. (and no dinner either!!) They do have a homework room and get called in groups by age BUT, the children do not have to go in there, they have a choice. Ideally they would get it done there, but doesn't always happen. And even though it is 4th grade, they have quite a bit of homework, plus a half hour of reading every night.

I guess your kids loved sitting at the dance studio and ball fields and did so without complaint! The children I see at the fields and the gym drive me crazy - they are all over the place -!!

If this was an hour or 45 minute lesson, I'd be ok - but we're talking a 3 hour chunk here.

I did and have been talking to DD....she says she wants to play but there is always a but in there and it's said with absolutely zero enthusiasm, etc.

ETA - I don't think I ever said it was "torturing" the other siblings. It is torture for me!! lol I don't think it is fair to them.

 

[pooh4evr]

I agree talk with your DD, maybe just doing rec is all she wants to do, and there is nothing wrong with that. We have3 girls and we are heavy on the activities, right now s a slower part of the year for us, ( DD#1 11- 2 basketball teams, piano, DD #2 9 -1 basketball, club soccer, #3 6 - soccer and piano. ) it is a juggling act, we enjoy it tough, and we know hat in a blink of an eye it will be over.

 

[npmommie]

If she says she wants to play i would let her. I can tell from the vibe of your post that you are upset over this and dont want her to, but i think that us unfair for her. You are sending her the message that it is a bother to you to have her do this and that really isnt fair.
As for why your other child cant do something......well why not?
What does she want to do? Maybe there is something on that side of town for her, dance, art, swimming, ......whatever. There must be something.
Wait til the 1 yr old is in the mix.
As far as your husband and since you both work full time i would tell him he has to do the weeknight and you do the saturday. If he goes in before 6 am he should be able to arrange to be off to get her to practice.
Especially since he really also wants her to play.

What kind of area is the field in? Around here most fields also have playgrounds, walking paths, etc......

 

[sam_gordon]

If she says she wants to play i would let her. I can tell from the vibe of your post that you are upset over this and dont want her to, but i think that us unfair for her. You are sending her the message that it is a bother to you to have her do this and that really isnt fair.
As for why your other child cant do something......well why not?
What does she want to do? Maybe there is something on that side of town for her, dance, art, swimming, ......whatever. There must be something.
Wait til the 1 yr old is in the mix.
As far as your husband and since you both work full time i would tell him he has to do the weeknight and you do the saturday. If he goes in before 6 am he should be able to arrange to be off to get her to practice.
Especially since he really also wants her to play.

What kind of area is the field in? Around here most fields also have playgrounds, walking paths, etc......

Bolded for truth. Oldest DD is involved in youth group at church, had spent a couple seasons paying softball. DS is involved with travel soccer, Younger DD plays Rec soccer and has one night of gymnastics. DW basically takes care of sports during the week (because of our schedules), and I get DD to/from youth.

 

[pacrosby]

There is not "plenty of time" for homework since my children go to after care - she would go straight from there to the field. (and no dinner either!!) They do have a homework room and get called in groups by age BUT, the children do not have to go in there, they have a choice. Ideally they would get it done there, but doesn't always happen. And even though it is 4th grade, they have quite a bit of homework, plus a half hour of reading every night.

I guess your kids loved sitting at the dance studio and ball fields and did so without complaint! The children I see at the fields and the gym drive me crazy - they are all over the place -!!

If this was an hour or 45 minute lesson, I'd be ok - but we're talking a 3 hour chunk here.

I did and have been talking to DD....she says she wants to play but there is always a but in there and it's said with absolutely zero enthusiasm, etc.

ETA - I don't think I ever said it was "torturing" the other siblings. It is torture for me!! lol I don't think it is fair to them.

You do realize that the responses you get are most likely to be not much more than defensive arguments for whatever choices people made for their own kids, right?

Bottom line is that there is no 'right' way to do this. You have to consider what your child 'really' wants and what 'you' can really handle. You also do need to consider your other kids. And you don't have to justify your pov to anyone.

Fwiw I have 4 kids btw 7-12 so I get it and it's not easy. I'm finally at the point where those who aren't going anywhere themselves can be left home for an hour or two while I shuffle off whoever needs to go where but back when I was carting around the whole troop......THAT was stressful.