Parenting Dilemma - Charming and I don't agree....

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by lillygator, Jan 14, 2013.

  1. lillygator

    lillygator DIS Veteran

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    I would like to read others take on this situationa as it reallys seems me vs him regarding this issue.

    Our DD, 10 used to play softball on a rec team and a travel team. Her travel team disbanded and she took off the fall ball season. Tryouts for spring are this week. DH wants her to play, I don't. Her thoughts - she could really take it or leave it. Not once during the fall did she ask about playing, ask to practice, etc. I think she is telling us both different answers based on what she thinks we want to hear. She is afraid to disappoint her dad and afraid I will get mad if her grades slip - which I would. My Dh says I am "maniuplating" the situation....

    She also is not one who gives 110%, doesn't really care for the warm up runs, etc. You see other kids giving their all and she plays and almost seems to be there to chat up her buddies.

    Dh says if she doesn't play this spring, it's over (her softball career)??!!

    Why don't I want her to play - well, it isn't just her that is being committed to the team, it is me as well. There is a weeknight practice/game and a Saturday practice/game. We have 2 other children ages 7 and 1. My Dh is a retail manager - so his schedule does not allow him to do much of the carting of the children so to speak.

    Dh goes in before 6am, which means I have to get all the kids to school, at 8, meaning I can't leave work all that early to do all the pick ups and drop offs in different places. He gets off anywhere from 4:30 - 6 or so depending on what is going on. He works on Saturdays as well.

    The weeknight game is only an issue with me as far as the time goes, we wouldn't get home until 9pm and that is just too late for the baby and when she was playing before it was a constant fight to get her to finish her homework on those nights. The field is on the other side of town and takes a good 30 min to get to from our house. During the last season, DH usually handled the weeknight game and I wouldn't even go out to the field. The only time I would go is when Dh had a game the same night and I'd have to go pick her up. Of course she would always throw in, "how come you never come to my games..."

    Now, here come Saturday's.....they want you there for an hour prior to the game, the games last an hour and a half and then 30 min to get home.....that's a huge chunk of the day for me and my other to children to have to commit too. Trying to keep a 1 year old entertained that long in a stroller? I've tried coming home in between but it seemed too rushed. There is nothing really in the area for us to "go do" aside from shopping. Plus the wonderful consession duty, which would fall to me too.

    Dh offered to take HIS VACATION time to take Saturday's off, which I am like - wow, you'd give up vacation time that we take as a family together to spend time with one child on an extra curricular activity? :eek:

    If I felt she really loved it, had a passion for it, etc, then I would suck it up and do it, but I don't feel that she does. I also don't think it is fair for my other 2 kids to have sit at the ball park for hours. My other dd constantly mentioned during the last season why her sister got to do an activity and she didn't - but that is another conversation. Also another conversation, but this is a child who does nothing arund the house to help out, etc. I feel that an extra curricular activity should be treated kind of like a reward.

    How do you handle things on which you don't agree?
     
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  3. Tinker'n'Fun

    Tinker'n'Fun <font color=purple>"apple", peaches, "pumpkin pie"

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    All three of you need to sit down together. If she says she wants to play, let her. If not, tell your DH it was her decision.

    I would not try to sway her and or give off the vibe that it is an inconvenience to you though. Let her be open and honest.
     
  4. kimblebee

    kimblebee now my thoughts will be worth 5 cents

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    I'm not married so I can't answer to that part of it but I say let her sit out the season. Maybe she will say she misses it. That will be your hint to sign her up for the following season. She's only 10, she's got tons of time to rejoin if she wants to next season.
     
  5. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    The one parent with the most responsibility gets to decide.

    I know some people are "super" people, but I could not handle it and it's not fair to your kids. One parent needs to be home with the other kids while all that is going on. Add to that, your daughter doesn't seem all that enthused??? No brainer to me.

    And, to be honest, how long do you think that "I'm in retail but I want all these Saturdays off" is going to fly? You'll be stuck doing that too.
     
  6. newMrs.Robinson

    newMrs.Robinson Earning My Ears

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    I agree with your husband. If she sits out she will be behind. There is a lot of scholarship money that goes to athletes. My daughter is 5 and is being conditioned to be a competitive gymnast. She loves it and as I speak we are at the gym. When she doesn't want to come we still push it because she can't stop now and then decide she likes it later. The more you push the better.
     
  7. chabs

    chabs DIS Veteran

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    Just a thought to give to your DH:

    Travel teams (around here at least) are for serious players. If your DD is not a serious player (hasn't practiced in a while or really cares if she plays) she may end up really hating it because the kids who are really good take up most of the playing time. Does he really want to pay x amount of money, plus waste your time and the coach's time to have her sit on the bench and be miserable?

    One thing I do agree with is that she needs to make a choice. Once the kids drop out of a sport, it is very difficult to get back into it because the kids the same age will have more experience and better skills when you come back and you run the risk of getting cut at tryouts. If you live in a small town it may not matter, but if you live where sports are very competitive like we do, yes she would be "washed up".

    Travel teams take up a lot of time and only get worse as they get older. My DD plays on 2 different travel teams (basketball and lax) and I am in hotel rooms at least 3 weekends a month from March-July.
     
  8. TwingleMum

    TwingleMum DIS Veteran

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    As I see it DD has the decision. If she really doesn't want to play its not fair to the other team members. She can go to a game and chat and cheer when its good for you. You always wonder is the parent pushing the kid to play reliving their 'glory' days. I have 4 boys and understand the time challenges. We have a 1 sport per season rule. We also never force them to do any specific sport but if they join a team they have to honor their commitment and finish the season. They have mixed up their sports and have discovered sports that they really like and excel at (archery - who would have thought ). While its nice for a child to play a sport its not nice if the child is only playing for Dad. And especially if Dad isn't the one shouldering the burden of practices and games. As for vacations that is for the family . A time to relax and spend time with each other not at one kids boring (in the other kids eyes) games. JMHO
     
  9. kimblebee

    kimblebee now my thoughts will be worth 5 cents

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    I REALLY hope you are joking.
     
  10. chabs

    chabs DIS Veteran

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    By the way, this is completely false. Do you research on this and you will find that the opposite is true. Even the best of the best will end up paying for most of their college degree. Playing a sport may help you get into a certain college, but you probably have to pay unless you have great grades.
     
  11. disneydreamingdebby

    disneydreamingdebby DVC Member

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    Yes, I agree that she'd lose a year of skill that others will have, but if she's serious about the sport, she'd gain it back anyway. (or you could do extra batting practices or training sessions.)

    I don't think that you're right and he is wrong. However, I do think that if she isn't interested in the sport, it's ridiculous to make the time and money commitment. I also think that it is unfair to the kids on the team who love the game. Nevermind, unfair to your family.

    Maybe sit down (all three of you) and ask her why she enjoys playing travel...


    it sounds like she should just be playing rec.
     
  12. npmommie

    npmommie <font color=red>Channels George Michael in her car

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    I agree with this
    She is prob picking up vibe that you don't want her to do it.
    Are you able to car pool and share duties with another family?

    Lol I am at the gym now too
    She is 5 and you are thinking ahead to level 10? Where is she now?
     
  13. newMrs.Robinson

    newMrs.Robinson Earning My Ears

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    Notjoking at all. I have older children who aren't in sports but my daughter has natural ability and we are pushing it. As far as money for athletes we have several friends whose children are in college on athletic scholarships. My moms best friends daughter is a physical therapist. Her school was paid for with softball. Another friends daughter is pre pharmacy on a softball scholarship. She pays 1,000 per year plus books. That is huge!
     
  14. The Mystery Machine

    The Mystery Machine Sunrise at my house. :+)

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    First order of business for me would be to chat it up with my dd about playing ball. If she wanted to play I would suck it up.

    Now I am not into kids sports but isn't a "rec team" just a recreational team for "fun"? Or do "pay teams" recruit there?

    Do you know why your dh is so adamant about her playing on THIS rec team right now? I guess ask him his "vision" end goal for the dd with joining this rec team.

    Bottom line, I better hear some darn good arguments in order to convince me that this is the direction I am willing to take. Then we negotiate.


    .
     
  15. surfgirl

    surfgirl DIS Veteran

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    good luck with that.


    so few gymnasts ever make college level - do you know the amount of gymnasts that burn out (how many hours are you at the gym right now?), get repetitive stress injuries, or get too tall? It is probably the highest burnout sport out there.

    She is 5! And you are thinking college scholarship? bwah.

    You would be better served taking the monthly cost of competitive gymnastics ($200-$300/month at lower levels), uniform costs ($100-$500/year depending on leotards, warmups, etc.), meet fees ($75-$100/meet), private lessons ($40-70/hour), travel costs for the family for 5-8 meets/year (hotel, car, flights, meals), coaches fees for meets (fundraising or paying directly for it), summer camps, etc. (these are the lower levels - beginning competitive gymnastics)

    Take that money, save it, and trust me, her education is paid for and she doesn't have a blown out knee, a torn up ankle, an eating disorder, or shoulder problems to go with it.
    -------------------------

    To the OP:
    good luck. It is a tough call when you have decisions like this to make. I think the three of you need to sit down together, but as the parent who does 90% of all driving... I get why you aren't convinced.
     
  16. sam_gordon

    sam_gordon DIS Veteran

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    I think this requires TWO meetings...

    1) Between you & DH. You both know the others' viewpoints. The key here is to agree to abide by DD's decision.
    2) All three of you. You & DH tell DD you don't want to make her do something she doesn't want to do, but you want to support her if she DOES want to do something. She's played rec before and she's played travel. She knows the commitment difference between the two. She's also had a season off. Does SHE want to play (rec or travel)? Emphasize neither of you will be upset or disappointed whichever she chooses (I hope that's the case). Part of growing up is making these kinds of decisions. Make sure she understands the three options and tell her you need to know in 'x' days (I would say no more than 2). When she tells you what her decision is (either way), accept it.

    My oldest played rec soccer for 2 years, got tired of running, and moved to softball. She played rec for 2 years than did travel. She got burned out/discouraged with travel and at the end of the season decided she didn't want to play any more. As the "sport" dad, although I enjoyed seeing her play, I could tell as the season went on her heart wasn't in it. It sounds like your daughter... she liked being a part of the "team", but didn't want to put in the work required.

    Now she's going to try being a manager for her school track team. Nothing wrong with that. *I* got a partial college scholarship for two years for being a manager.
     
  17. MaryAnnDVC

    MaryAnnDVC "Mare", DISing since '99; prefers being tagless

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    I'm guessing yes.

    newMrs.Robinson
    Earning My Ears

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    To the OP. I'd talk to her and try to get a truly honest answer, with the understanding that IF she is chosen, and if chooses to join the team, that she MUST attend all practices and games (except for any important family events). If she doesn't want to do that, then I wouldn't push it.

    I told my kids that when they commit to a team, they must play out the season...they can't leave the team hanging. (For full disclosure...except for DS and football, when the commitment was 5 nights a week of practice and a weekend game, it was DS's first (and last) year playing and was told first year kids would get little to no playing time, and there were about 40 kids on the team.) I also told my kids that schoolwork didn't come "first" in the sense that they had a commitment to BOTH, and it was up to them to manage their time, not wait until the last minute to do homework and projects, and couldn't just toss out "I have homework" as an excuse.

    I have 3 kids and each of them spent a lot of time at each other's sports practices and games. I just always went prepared. I still have "The Homework Box" that I kept in the car (my youngest is now 20)...pens, crayons, markers, paper, ruler, folders, labels, etc...so that, for the most part, the other kids had what they needed to work on homework. Too bad if my kids ever thought it wasn't fair to them...their time came; sometimes real life gets inconvenient. As for a one year old, they can be entertained. Softball = outside. A walk in the stroller, outdoor toys, etc. It can be done, unless you just really don't want to.

    I'd also wonder if your DD is concerned about going through a tryout and NOT getting picked. That can be tough on a kid.
     
  18. minkydog

    minkydog DIS Cast Member

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    I'm on your side. When one child's extracurriculars have the potential to overwhelm the family schedule, there better be a way bigger payoff than what you're describing. It sounds like Dad likes the idea of his DD being in sports, even though she seems to be lukewarm about it. Since YOUR schedule is the one most impacted, I'd say gives your opinion more weight.

    I am not a fan of making a kid stay in an activity when they have clearly moved on. It seems like your daughter enjoys softball, but not enough to really give her best. It sounds like more of a social event for her. Nothing inherently wrong with that, as long as you have the time to spare for her social calendar. I would have a hard time making this commitment for a child who seems kinda "meh" about it.

    When my kids were younger, they were allowd to participate in 1 extracurricular, plus our church activities. As the got to be middle and high schoolers, I let up on that some because they didn't require transportation(activities were held at school and they could walk home.) My kids never played fall or spring ball because I knew that with my work schedule, Christian's doctor and PT appts, and my husbands long hours it was never going to work. The kids got over it and actually, they really enjoyed being able to just play with their friends after school instead of kicking a ball around with a bunch of acquaintances.
     
  19. lovin'fl

    lovin'fl DIS Veteran

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    Mom of 2 select (club) softball players here. I kind of think in this instance the mom has the most say but needs to take DDs thoughts/wishes into consideration...DD has next percentage of say (pretty close to her mom) and DH has very little. But the edge goes to the mom who has to do all the work (driving, dealing with siblings, making sure she's dressed and has equipment and ready to go on time, helping with team stuff like fundraisers and parties and secretarial type stuff...etc). Given everything OP stated, I'd say no softball for DD this season.

    My situation, DH has the most say (he's always helping coach, so he takes them to everything and I go to about 2/3 of the tourney days) with my DDs closely behind him and then me...I state my opinion and then stand aside and let them decide. They play county basketball right now too and this will be the last year for that (if they want to try out in HS next year...for basketball or soccer or volleyball...that's up to them, but we will continue the club softball and they are planning to try out for the HS softball team too...but club is more important than HS). Now as far as scholarships...for softball...that is VERY VERY unlikely. Your DD would have to be on one of the best club teams already at 10 and maybe since 8...FL has some tough competition. Here in MD none of our club teams have much of a chance at producing the next Keilani Ricketts. MD is just not a softball state, lacrosse and soccer take away from our athletic talent pool. And there are just so few scholarships for girls sports and for softball. And we will have spent way way more to play club ball- from ages 10-17- than we will ever ever have a chance of getting in a scholarship (if my DD was the next Keilani Ricketts).

    For my DS, who used to play rec baseball, he was not too into it and would rather pick daisies and was way more interested in what the snack was than what the score was. We let him play rec a few years and called it quits. He also made his rounds with soccer, basketball, boy scouts and karate. When he was little and my DDs were toddlers, he played all those sports and then when the DDs started to play, we cut DS back to one sport and Boy Scouts...then he quit Scouts and stuck with soccer until he went to HS. Once in HS, we told him he was on his own to make a team or join a club...and so now we're 2 years without doing anything.
     
  20. Wendy31

    Wendy31 DIS Veteran

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    I don't have any real advice... just posting to say I'm in the same boat, & I understand exactly what you're saying.

    There are only 18 months between our older 2 children; however, our older DD is 9 1/2 years older & our older DS is 8 years older than their younger brother.

    DH works rotating 12 hour shifts (w/ those shifts falling on 2 weekends of the month), & his place of employment is an hour away from where we live - meaning on his scheduled work days, he's away for 14 hours/day. At different times of the years, he works a lot of overtime as well. Therefore, most of the kid-carting & activity scheduling is up to me.

    I feel guilty sometimes because I feel I've limited the older 2 due to having a younger child - especially when he was younger. He's 3 now, so it's becoming a little easier. But there have been times they've wanted to do something, but I've had to say no due to our family's dynamics.

    In your situation, I'd probably try to discuss it honestly w/ your DD to see what her interests are. Also, I would most definitely NOT want my DH to use up all his vacation days for the Saturday games. Our family vacations are sacred to us!
     
  21. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    OP, are you working full time also? You mention that you work and then get home later to pick up all three kids What time do you do the pickups and what time is the practice?
     

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