Manners questions: OT Good news page 5

[jodifla]

A few months ago, I got new neighbors. They are really nice people with kids. Boy about 9 and a girl 7. When she introduced me she used my first name. I said, nicely call me Mrs. X. Whenever the kids see me they will speak and say hello using my first name, so I always simply say "Mrs X". Well, 2 days ago my neighbor asked me why I did that and I told her, that they way I was taught children did not address adults by their first name.

Ever since then she has been pretty cool to me. I don't think I insulted her and that was certainly not my intent but I still donot want a 7 year old calling me by my first name. Any way to gracefully explain? I guess I shouldn't have to but it's a great neighborhood, we all know one another and I think nowadays that's pretty rare.

My kids are teenagers so maybe things have change and kids do use address adults by their first names. Am I that out of the loop?

I think this is a pretty petty thing to be in a tiff over a neighbor about. Why are you so inflexible? Just because YOU were taught that way, doesn't mean the whole world has to go around following it.

I'd rather have a great relationship with neighbors who called me Jodi, MY NAME, than a lousy one because I feel the need to be addressed by an honorific, and felt the need to constantly correct my neighbors.


Besides, Mrs. X makes me feel 100 years old, just like M'am.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

You have the right to be addressed in a manner that you feel comfortable.

In our homeschool group in formal settings, the kids have to use the surname. But if you are social with a mom outside of the group, the standard Miss "first name" is fine. They just don't want that carried over into the group. They go with the more formal addressing b/c some moms feel more comfortable with that and it is a sign of respect.

Proper etiquette is to NOT address someone whom you don't know well in an informal matter. Local custom prevails if that is just how things done. BUt the addressee has the right to be addressed in a manner of their choosing.


The mom in that scenario is a twit.

I think this is a pretty petty thing to be in a tiff over a neighbor about. Why are you so inflexible? Just because YOU were taught that way, doesn't mean the whole world has to go around following it.

I'd rather have a great relationship with neighbors who called me Jodi, MY NAME, than a lousy one because I feel the need to be addressed by an honorific, and felt the need to constantly correct my neighbors.


Besides, Mrs. X makes me feel 100 years old, just like M'am.

Who cares how you feel? If she wants to be called Butterfinger, that is her perogative.

BTW she was correcting the CHILDREN who obviously ratted her out to their mother b/c they were being rude. Not the adult. CHILDREN should learn to respect how an adult wishes to be treated.


FTR--I hate Mrs. _____, but I put up with it in my homeschool group. I prefer Miss Lisa.

 

[teresajoy]

I am viewing this thread as just a place for us to express our different opinions, so I'm not putting down anyone elses views. My opinion is that I would rather have a NICE child who didn't call my Mrs.whatever than have a child who was NOT nice call me Mrs.whatever. I have seen so many children who are taught "manners" who are actually rude little brats. I'm not saying any of your kids are, but I've seen it a lot! I'm talking about the child who says "Excuse me" and plow right between you and someone who is talking instead of quietly walking around, the child who takes someone elses toy or money (this happened to my daughter the other day) and refuses to give it back, because, "My Daddy says I don't have to give anything back unless someone says please." The child who calls you Mr. or Mrs. but is also disrespectful and won't listen. The child who answers the phone the "proper" way stating their name and asking who you would like to talk to, but if you don't answer your phone that way, they correct YOU! I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

As I've said before, I think that it's important that a person be called what they prefer, whether or not that's Mrs.X or just Suzy. But, manners are more about caring about someone else, being respectful, nice and making other people feel comfortable than about following rigid unflexible rules.

I'm going to say it again, just for emphasis. If the OP wants to be called, Mrs.X, then THAT is what the neighbor children should call her. I just didn't agree with the manner in which she told the mother. We all say things that to us don't sound hurtful, but to other people are. Goodness knows I'm good at that! Having friendly neighbors appears to be very important to the OP, she obviously cares a lot about the people in her community.

 

[MommyBoo!]

Around here, it's Miss or Mr. and our first name. It's fine with us. Using the last name feels a little too formal as we've known some of these kids for 5 or 6 years. First name only is too informal. And, some of the last names around here (ours included) are hard to pronounce. I would rather have a child address me as Miss Sue than nothing at all because he/she is uncomfortable with pronouncing my last name. Of course, sometimes, they call us by our kids name and then mom or dad. You know, like Molly's mom? But, they are all very polite, which is nice to see.

I do think that people should respect how you want to be addressed.

They use Mr/Miss/Mrs/ last names with their teachers unless the teachers request otherwise.

And, our kids call other adults by their Mr/Miss/Mrs/ last name unless the adult requests otherwise or we tell them it is ok. But, that is with new people we meet.

 

[lulugirl]

We teach our children that they address adults as Mr./Mrs./Miss LAST name. We believe that it reflects a level of respect. I have to admit that there are times when an adult will say, oh, that's ok, just call me "first name". We politely say, we don't allow them to do so.

How is that teaching your children respect? I think every adult should choose how they wish to be addressed, whether it's Mrs. Last name, Miss first name
or just "first name". I find it quite rude that you would disregard the adults preferences in favor of your own.
I have taught my Dd to ask any new adult what she should call them, IMO that is displaying consideration and respect for the adult.
I think people are way too hung up on formalities, respect is how you treat someone not necessarily how you address them.
JMO

 

[ujpest_doza]

Calling someone Mr so and so or Mrs so and so is terribly formal and old fashioned and if someones kids called me Mr so and so i'd feel really old.

To be honest i know very few of our neighbours surnames but do know nearly all of their first names and its the first names the kids all use.

The only person in our street who introduced herself as Mrs so and so when we first moved here was very very old and a real busy body who whinged and moaned about everything.

The teachers at the kids school are all known as Mr/Miss/Mrs whatever though.

 

[nessz79]

Personally, I prefer to go by first names with kids in an informal environment.

I am also a high school teacher and I go by Mrs. __________. If a student called me by the first name (and not just a one time joke sort of thing), it would be disrespectful.

But at home, my kids call most other adults (other than their teachers) by their first names.

 

[Minnie824]

Everyone has their own view on what to be called. Alot of our neighbors use the Ms. {firstname}. Preschool teachers did the same. DD is now in kindergarten and they use Mrs. {lastname}. For what my DDs call other parents, usually I tell them w/firstname unless specified. If another parent wants to be addressed with lastname, I would have no problem with that. For me personally, I don't have a preference. I wouldn't care if they just called me by my first name w/out the Ms or Mrs even.

 

[jodifla]

You have the right to be addressed in a manner that you feel comfortable.

In our homeschool group in formal settings, the kids have to use the surname. But if you are social with a mom outside of the group, the standard Miss "first name" is fine. They just don't want that carried over into the group. They go with the more formal addressing b/c some moms feel more comfortable with that and it is a sign of respect.

Proper etiquette is to NOT address someone whom you don't know well in an informal matter. Local custom prevails if that is just how things done. BUt the addressee has the right to be addressed in a manner of their choosing.


The mom in that scenario is a twit.




Who cares how you feel? If she wants to be called Butterfinger, that is her perogative.

BTW she was correcting the CHILDREN who obviously ratted her out to their mother b/c they were being rude. Not the adult. CHILDREN should learn to respect how an adult wishes to be treated.


FTR--I hate Mrs. _____, but I put up with it in my homeschool group. I prefer Miss Lisa.

Why is this a "right?" Don't think I see it in the Constitution anywhere.

She can ask, but there is simply no obligation for her neighbors -- even the kids -- to kowtow to her demands.

And again, I'd rather have a good relationship with my neighbor than make a mountain out of a molehill like this.

 

[dogluva]

I prefer to be called by my first name. I always feel old when my girls friends call me "Mrs. X" I'm a young mom, too. I'm 31 and my oldest DD is 12.

I was married at 20 and started teaching at 22. I have never felt "old" when kids call me Mrs._________. It is respectful. I teach my children to call all adults by Mr. or Mrs. Even my 19 year old. I am 40 and I am far from old regardlessl of what I am called. I guess I am used to it being a teacher.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Why is this a "right?" Don't think I see it in the Constitution anywhere.

She can ask, but there is simply no obligation for her neighbors -- even the kids -- to kowtow to her demands.

And again, I'd rather have a good relationship with my neighbor than make a mountain out of a molehill like this.

I wasn't aware we were going to bring constitutional law into this.


Your post is insinuating she has no right to be called what she wants--I challenge you to find the legal support for that as well.


Whatever--sounds like the neighbor did precisely what you are describing--making mountains out of molehills. What difference does it make except that she can't teach her kids simple manners and that some folks do not like to be addressed informally.


I hope you are raising your children better than that. I didn't realize that someone preferring to be addressed a certain way equaled an unreasonable "demand".


Sounds like the jerk I got on a phonecall for work one time. He got pissy b/c I was calling him Mr. _______. He told me to stop being so formal. I said "I'm sorry, sir." and he flew off the handle. I'm not using my job b/c he wants to be so casual and thinks getting pissy about it will change how I address him. 1 out of 1000 customers---I would guess that HE is the one making mountains out of molehills.

 

[nuzmom]

How is that teaching your children respect? I think every adult should choose how they wish to be addressed, whether it's Mrs. Last name, Miss first name
or just "first name". I find it quite rude that you would disregard the adults preferences in favor of your own.
I have taught my Dd to ask any new adult what she should call them, IMO that is displaying consideration and respect for the adult.
I think people are way too hung up on formalities, respect is how you treat someone not necessarily how you address them.
JMO

It's teaching respect because they call their FRIENDS by their first name. Using Mr./Mrs./Miss is setting those adults apart and different from friends.

The comments like "I find it rude that you would disregard the adults preferences in favor of your own" just get me. Sounds like you're saying that we're ignoring your "preferences", but it's ok for you to ignore ours? Come on. It's not like we're telling our kids to call you a name that isn't yours! We're just teaching them to use a "more formal" way of addressing ADULTS.

Why are we ok with calling teachers by Mr./Mrs./Miss? Because it's showing them a level of respect and authority. Why are parents so afraid of hearing something that indicates that same level of respect and authority?

Deep down, I believe there are mainly 2 reasons. First, seems like many adults have a hang up about being reminded that they're "old". Yeah, "old" as in "not a kid anymore". The other is that many adults WANT to be "friends" with the kids and not viewed as an authority figure. The Mr./Mrs./Miss is a reminder that they should be the "adults" and not the kids.

 

[eliza61]

I think this is a pretty petty thing to be in a tiff over a neighbor about. Why are you so inflexible? Just because YOU were taught that way, doesn't mean the whole world has to go around following it.

I'd rather have a great relationship with neighbors who called me Jodi, MY NAME, than a lousy one because I feel the need to be addressed by an honorific, and felt the need to constantly correct my neighbors.


Besides, Mrs. X makes me feel 100 years old, just like M'am.

Because I don't like children calling me by my first name. My nieces and nephews are not allowed to do it. How would it be if I started calling some one by a name they didn't like. It makes me uncomfortable. That's reason enough. It's not about how I was raised.

 

[eliza61]

Why is this a "right?" Don't think I see it in the Constitution anywhere.
She can ask, but there is simply no obligation for her neighbors -- even the kids -- to kowtow to her demands.

And again, I'd rather have a good relationship with my neighbor than make a mountain out of a molehill like this.

Peeing on the street is not in the constitution but we don't go around doing that either.

 

[ujpest_doza]

Because I don't like children calling me by my first name. My nieces and nephews are not allowed to do it. How would it be if I started calling some one by a name they didn't like. It makes me uncomfortable. That's reason enough. It's not about how I was raised.

What on earth do they call you if they aren't allowed to use your first name?

Fair enough if you insist on Aunty Agnes or Aunty mary rather than just Agnes or Mary, but come on they're your blood relations and you "don't allow" them to call you by your given name?

Do you not like your christian name or something?

 

[EMom]

What difference does it make except that she can't teach her kids simple manners and that some folks do not like to be addressed informally.

I hope you are raising your children better than that. I didn't realize that someone preferring to be addressed a certain way equaled an unreasonable "demand".

Sounds like the jerk I got on a phonecall for work one time. He got pissy b/c I was calling him Mr. _______. He told me to stop being so formal. I said "I'm sorry, sir." and he flew off the handle. I'm not using my job b/c he wants to be so casual and thinks getting pissy about it will change how I address him. 1 out of 1000 customers---I would guess that HE is the one making mountains out of molehills.

Amen to that! You probably said, "sir" out of habit, because it is how you were taught.

It is not as if the OP demanded to be called "Your Supreme Highness, Oh Most Noble Queen of the Realm." She merely wanted to be addressed as Mrs. Last Name, which, despite what many posters believe, is NOT out of the ordinary. MANY adults.....and not just the OLD ones.....prefer this term. It is not going to make a child's tongue explode to say "Mrs. Last Name" and it will do them a world of good to be taught that not everyone in life is to be addressed casually. (Perhaps these are the same children who grew up to wear flip flops to an invitation-only White House event and had no idea flip flops really weren't that appropriate for such an occasion. )

This may come as a shock to some, but not everything in life is casual. It's not all crocs, shorts, tank tops, first names, canned drinks and baseball caps. I see so many children growing up not being taught that there is a time and place for everything. When I see someone go to a funeral in shorts and a t-shirt and I know full well they own appropriate clothing, I nearly choke. Show some respect. Not every event is casual. Some of these kids are going to grow up thinking it's okay to go to a job interview dressed as if they were going to McDonald's for a Big Mac. (Actually, it's already happening. I read an article the other day by HR people that hit the nail on the head. It basically said, "They don't have a clue.")

And what is wrong with maam and sir? Again, it shows respect. Respect is a GOOD thing, not an insult. I have certainly taught DD to say those terms and she gets compliments from her teachers for using them. My nieces and nephews use them and I appreciate it. It goes without saying that my parents taught us to use them as well. If a child calls me maam, I don't feel old. I think to myself, "Their parents have taken some effort to teach them manners. How nice."

I don't want to be the friend of the children. They have friends. I'll be friend-LY, but there is a difference. I am okay with being called Miss First Name for now, but if I wanted to be called Mrs. Last Name, I'd expect to be called that out of respect.

I think it's very generous of the OP to bake cookies for Little Miss Miffed. VERY generous.....especially since she has NOTHING to apologize for. She is doing the neighborly thing and going the extra mile to try and mend relations. As I said, if the neighbor is the least bit snippy when OP tries to approach her, I'd take those cookies home and call it a day.

 

[EMom]

It's teaching respect because they call their FRIENDS by their first name. Using Mr./Mrs./Miss is setting those adults apart and different from friends.

Why are we ok with calling teachers by Mr./Mrs./Miss? Because it's showing them a level of respect and authority. Why are parents so afraid of hearing something that indicates that same level of respect and authority?

Deep down, I believe there are mainly 2 reasons. First, seems like many adults have a hang up about being reminded that they're "old". Yeah, "old" as in "not a kid anymore". The other is that many adults WANT to be "friends" with the kids and not viewed as an authority figure. The Mr./Mrs./Miss is a reminder that they should be the "adults" and not the kids.

I think you have hit the nail on the head......maam.

 

[heart4princephillip]

Peeing on the street is not in the constitution but we don't go around doing that either.

 

[wilderness01]

To be blunt, no matter what the custom of the area is, if the OP prefers to be called Mrs. Last Name, then the mother should respectfully teach her children to call use that term. End of.

It sounds as if the OP made it clear (at first in a subtle way) that she wanted to be called Mrs. Last Name, and that didn't work. So she continued to drop the hint and THAT didn't take either. When the children's mother finally asked WHY the OP wanted to be called Mrs. Last Name, the OP told her. Maybe the mother didn't like the answer, but after all......she did ask the question. Perhaps the OP could have been a bit more subtle and said she felt more comfortable/preferred/was used to being called Mrs. Last Name, but let's face it.....subtlety had NOT worked with these folks thus far. It's not as if the OP told the mother she was raising a pack of heathens. She simply said being called Mrs. Last Name was how she was taught and the way she preferred. A fair percentage of Americans would agree with her, so the answer couldn't have been a shocker.


Anyway, the baked goods and an apology are reasonable, but I'd stop that apology in its tracks if she gives you any attitude. The proper response to your apology should be a sincere, "Since you feel that way, I'll make sure the children call you Mrs. Last Name." It is NOT an unreasonable request.

I completely agree. I think the neighbor should perhaps be apologizing a bit to you as she gave you attitude. So you can't disagree with her, but she can with you with attitude and being new to the neighborhood. Ought to be an interesting situation if something ever serious pops up. Wonder if she is defensive about everything?

 

[wilderness01]

I am viewing this thread as just a place for us to express our different opinions, so I'm not putting down anyone elses views. My opinion is that I would rather have a NICE child who didn't call my Mrs.whatever than have a child who was NOT nice call me Mrs.whatever. I have seen so many children who are taught "manners" who are actually rude little brats. I'm not saying any of your kids are, but I've seen it a lot! I'm talking about the child who says "Excuse me" and plow right between you and someone who is talking instead of quietly walking around, the child who takes someone elses toy or money (this happened to my daughter the other day) and refuses to give it back, because, "My Daddy says I don't have to give anything back unless someone says please." The child who calls you Mr. or Mrs. but is also disrespectful and won't listen. The child who answers the phone the "proper" way stating their name and asking who you would like to talk to, but if you don't answer your phone that way, they correct YOU! I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

As I've said before, I think that it's important that a person be called what they prefer, whether or not that's Mrs.X or just Suzy. But, manners are more about caring about someone else, being respectful, nice and making other people feel comfortable than about following rigid unflexible rules.

I'm going to say it again, just for emphasis. If the OP wants to be called, Mrs.X, then THAT is what the neighbor children should call her. I just didn't agree with the manner in which she told the mother. We all say things that to us don't sound hurtful, but to other people are. Goodness knows I'm good at that! Having friendly neighbors appears to be very important to the OP, she obviously cares a lot about the people in her community.

But the neighbor asked her why. I firmly believe in "if you ask, be prepared for the answer." I think it was rude of a new neighbor/basically a stranger, questioning the OP's belief system. So again, it is ok for the new neighbor to get her undies in a bunch, but the OP should not about her belief system. Sounds like a double standard to me. To be respected you have to give respect. This goes both ways. I wouldn't really worry about being too friendly with this new neighbor if she is going to get all pissy about asking a question and then getting an answer. Come to think of it, I would be keeping the cookies for my own family and let her just get over her feelings. Politeness goes both ways and she was impolite to question you after you made it clear on several occasions what you preferred to be called.