Life Choices

[mommanne]

I am in a rough place and would like to hear the opinions of others in the situation.

My sister lost her job 3.5 years ago due to insubordination. She had that job for over 10 years but due to changes made by management she had become unhappy and started badmouthing management. She received a warning and I told her to kiss some major butt and keep that job. She refused and was fired. Due to the nature of her termination she was denied unemployment.

She has never been good with money and her home immediately went into foreclosure. Her husband has an okay job but didn't make enough to pay many bills and my sister manages the finances. I told her three years ago to get her ducks in a row. Save some money for an apartment so she can pay first, last, security, etc. After one year without unemployment she did collect for one year but that was cut off. She has been on public assistance for utilities.

During this time my mother has contributed untold money for many financial emergencies. She is 75 years old and was reluctant to retire because she then couldn't subsidize my sister and she was afraid for her. I was able to convince my mom that it was okay to retire.

A month ago the bank sold the house with my sister still living in it. She now has to vacate and has no money, bad credit and a dog. She didn't save one dime in the 3.5 years that she wasn't paying a mortgage or utilities. My Mom is upset, as am I. I am worried for my niece, who at 18 is homeless. My sister is refusing all help and lashing out in anger.

Long story! My problem is, I am out of compassion. I am angry. I can't help, but I can't sympathize. She did this to herself. No money anyone threw at this situation would have helped. I a, torn between sadness and anger and there is nothing I can do. I need to separate myself from it but I can't stop worrying.

If you got this far, I would like to know how you would react to this situation. I feel helpless and angry.

Thanks.

 

[Mizzoufan]

I am in a rough place and would like to hear the opinions of others in the situation.

My sister lost her job 3.5 years ago due to insubordination. She had that job for over 10 years but due to changes made by management she had become unhappy and started badmouthing management. She received a warning and I told her to kiss some major butt and keep that job. She refused and was fired. Due to the nature of her termination she was denied unemployment.

She has never been good with money and her home immediately went into foreclosure. Her husband has an okay job but didn't make enough to pay many bills and my sister manages the finances. I told her three years ago to get her ducks in a row. Save some money for an apartment so she can pay first, last, security, etc. After one year without unemployment she did collect for one year but that was cut off. She has been on public assistance for utilities.

During this time my mother has contributed untold money for many financial emergencies. She is 75 years old and was reluctant to retire because she then couldn't subsidize my sister and she was afraid for her. I was able to convince my mom that it was okay to retire.

A month ago the bank sold the house with my sister still living in it. She now has to vacate and has no money, bad credit and a dog. She didn't save one dime in the 3.5 years that she wasn't paying a mortgage or utilities. My Mom is upset, as am I. I am worried for my niece, who at 18 is homeless. My sister is refusing all help and lashing out in anger.

Long story! My problem is, I am out of compassion. I am angry. I can't help, but I can't sympathize. She did this to herself. No money anyone threw at this situation would have helped. I a, torn between sadness and anger and there is nothing I can do. I need to separate myself from it but I can't stop worrying.

If you got this far, I would like to know how you would react to this situation. I feel helpless and angry.

Thanks.

Sometime tough love is the only answer. Would your neice come and stay with you?

 

[Planogirl]

You can lead a horse to water as the saying goes. Your sister may just have to find out the hard way how rough life can be. What about her husband?

I hope that a family member can step up and take the niece in. She is working hopefully.

 

[mommanne]

My sister refuses to place my niece at this point, and she is in college at a school 40 miles from me. My mom lives closer to the school and offered her home to my sister's family but they "don't want to live in the city" . Yes, you read that correctly. That is what we are dealing with. There is so much more to this story.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am in a rough place and would like to hear the opinions of others in the situation.

My sister lost her job 3.5 years ago due to insubordination. She had that job for over 10 years but due to changes made by management she had become unhappy and started badmouthing management. She received a warning and I told her to kiss some major butt and keep that job. She refused and was fired. Due to the nature of her termination she was denied unemployment.

She has never been good with money and her home immediately went into foreclosure. Her husband has an okay job but didn't make enough to pay many bills and my sister manages the finances. I told her three years ago to get her ducks in a row. Save some money for an apartment so she can pay first, last, security, etc. After one year without unemployment she did collect for one year but that was cut off. She has been on public assistance for utilities.

During this time my mother has contributed untold money for many financial emergencies. She is 75 years old and was reluctant to retire because she then couldn't subsidize my sister and she was afraid for her. I was able to convince my mom that it was okay to retire.

A month ago the bank sold the house with my sister still living in it. She now has to vacate and has no money, bad credit and a dog. She didn't save one dime in the 3.5 years that she wasn't paying a mortgage or utilities. My Mom is upset, as am I. I am worried for my niece, who at 18 is homeless. My sister is refusing all help and lashing out in anger.

Long story! My problem is, I am out of compassion. I am angry. I can't help, but I can't sympathize. She did this to herself. No money anyone threw at this situation would have helped. I a, torn between sadness and anger and there is nothing I can do. I need to separate myself from it but I can't stop worrying.

If you got this far, I would like to know how you would react to this situation. I feel helpless and angry.

Thanks.

At this point in life, I can't worry about other people's poor decisions and believe me I have my own stories to tell with my family.

Thank goodness the niece is out of the house. She can make her own life at this point.

Bottom line, I would not talk to someone who is lashing out at me. If she is lashing out at your mother, I would protect my mother if she needed my help.

I think being angry is normal. You can't help people that do not want help. You have to let it go and sit back and see what your sister does.

 

[mommanne]

Her husband is in denial. Apparently they all are. Niece is in college but didn't want to work last summer, so didn't.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Her husband is in denial. Apparently they all are. Niece is in college but didn't want to work last summer, so didn't.

Well they need a dose of reality. Honestly, I would not want them to move in with my mother. They are very toxic people.

 

[mommanne]

I agree that it is toxic but I can't control what my mom does. I seriously hope that they don't move in with her but I think it's inevitable. In the meantime I want nothing to do with my sister and that is bothering me. I feel guilty for needing to put distance between myself and this situation but would do anything for my niece.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree that it is toxic but I can't control what my mom does. I seriously hope that they don't move in with her but I think it's inevitable. In the meantime I want nothing to do with my sister and that is bothering me. I feel guilty for needing to put distance between myself and this situation but would do anything for my niece.

You can express your opinion to your mother even if she does not listen.

That way later when she is complaining to you, you tell her that you expressed your opinion long ago and prefer not to hear "the drama".

 

[low-key]

Dont help her to "look good" , but if you do help, never speak of your good deed again, thats all I got

 

[mommanne]

I think my main issue is my serious need to disengage. There is a middle sister (I am the oldest) who has an equally dysfunctional life. There is so much enablement and toxicity that I can't handle it any more and I feel guilty for feeling that way. My son was recently diagnosed with type 1 diabetes that has been difficult to control. I have some other stressors as well, as we all do, but I have spent the past three weeks consumed with my sister's issue.

I don't do holidays with my family now, it is all too much for me. We don't communicate outside of holidays, aside from my niece joining us on summer vacation. I told my mom I need to disengage and she told me that family never turns their back. How much is too much though? I can't fix anything and I just don't want to see this any more.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Has she made any effort to get a job in the past 3.5 years?

 

[lizabu]

Do nothing. She made her bed...let her lie in it. I have a sister like that and my dad was always bailing her out. Eventually I convinced him it was enough. He didn't have enough to support himself and her too. People are resilient. She will figure something out once she sees its her only option.

 

[mommanne]

Badger, I know that she had an interview and it looked promising. She was in the running and while it wasn't expressed, I believe that her bad credit took her out of the picture. She did assist a friend of my mother with home health care, but those people moved away.

Lizabu, did your sister see the light?

 

[lizabu]

She supports herself and doesn't ask for help anymore. She was mad as heck the first time she heard no but I had to convince my dad he wasn't doing her any favours and he could see how helping her so much was damaging his ability to support himself and my mother. She's practically 40 and at some point I feel like a child just isn't the parents responsibility anymore. She has to be responsible for her own bad choices and face her own consequences.

 

[mommanne]

Lizabu, I think this is why I am getting the anger. I told my sister in October that my mom wanted to retire but was hesitant, and to let my mother off the hook with the financial demands. She seemed to hear me and take it well, but ultimately I enabled my mother's independence financially and I think that ticked my sister off. I agree, at some point a child is no longer the parent's responsibility. My sister is 50 YO.

If my sister was in this situation because of reasons outside of her control I wouldn't feel this way. If,it,was,illness related, it would all be different. By self destructing my sister is affecting people in a way she doesn't understand.

 

[lizabu]

In my case I encouraged and supported my dad to stop giving my sister money but ultimately he was the one who had to tell her no. I think if I would've said something to her myself she would've got mad and accused me of trying to control my parents or some nonsense. I think it's your mom you need to talk to but in the end if she decides to continue giving your sister money there's nothing you can do except what the mystery machine said and when your mom complains about being broke because she's helping your sister just tell her she already knows how you feel about helping your sister and if she wouldn't listen there's nothing you can do.

 

[aaarcher86]

I think my main issue is my serious need to disengage. There is a middle sister (I am the oldest) who has an equally dysfunctional life. There is so much enablement and toxicity that I can't handle it any more and I feel guilty for feeling that way. My son was recently diagnosed with type 1 diabetes that has been difficult to control. I have some other stressors as well, as we all do, but I have spent the past three weeks consumed with my sister's issue.

I don't do holidays with my family now, it is all too much for me. We don't communicate outside of holidays, aside from my niece joining us on summer vacation. I told my mom I need to disengage and she told me that family never turns their back. How much is too much though? I can't fix anything and I just don't want to see this any more.

We've been at a similar point. I've found the hardest part is the initial break. But after a bit of time without the drama I felt free and knew it was the right choice.

My DHs family also thinks that family should out up with anything from each other. I disagree. I'll put up with more because they're family, but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate it indefinitely.

 

[lakelandgal70]

I am in a similar situation so understand how you are feeling. Family drama is the worst. Your sister is an adult and has made bad choices and will have to deal with them accordingly. You can feel sad and sympathize but honestly not much more you can do. Tough love is only way to handle it.

 

[saraschoening]

Ok so I will be very honest right now. I haven't told a lot of people my life experiences but I have been "better" for 4 years now and I honestly owe a great deal of that to Disney.. oddly enough. I was in a very bad place from the time I was 21 until I was 26.. very bad. Intervention (the show) multiplied by 10. I grew up normal, went to university and then I had a horrible thing happen to me and I could deal with it so I turned to substances and then "work" to support those substances. Fast forward to the end of my other life.. My parents held an intervention but I wasn't ready. I had to hit rock bottom.. I know people say this all the time and not everyones rock bottom is the same but for me rock bottom was not being able to support my habit, being sick all the time, etc. My family cut me off, not from love, but from things that enabled my addiction. So one day I woke up and I said I can't live like this and I got better. Clearly these two situations are different but a lot of people will use what they can to get what they want. Maybe your sister needs to hit her rock bottom. Its ok to be angry. I would hope that you would be but you need to stop helping her if you are. You need to support her emotionally, listen to her but no money, no place to stay. Shes a big girl she will figure it out fast. After I was clean for a year I took my first trip to Disney in 5 years.. and that was it.. that gave me so much MORE. I keep myself busy planning my next trip, I love being at Disney.. its everything to me. I know it sounds so silly but no sillier than the stuff I was doing prior to that. Don't abandon your sister all together.. she needs you but she needs to figure out why she is self destructing. Maybe some financial counselling? It will be a tough sell but make a deal with her.. you will take in your niece and she goes to a couple sessions? Never under estimate the power of negotiation. Maybe she just needs to find her "Disney" Don't give up hope hun, you are in my prayers.