Lazy, Unappreciative 18 year old....

[dairyou]

Who has been funding any "fun" now?

I would not have funded any fun nor would I fund any fun in the future unless I saw a concerted effort on my child's part to find and keep a job. If like another PP stated that she is trying to find a job but cant because jobs are scarce, THEN I would help minimally, not a minute beforehand.

We told DS in the beginning of the senior year we would pay for school functions. Anything outside of that he would have to pay. Job or not, we would have taken care of these things.

 

[dairyou]

Send him with PB&J and some Top Ramen. He will learn a lot that first year.
BTW where did he decide on?

I would not be able to sleep if I thought my DS was hungry, I'm weird that way, but I would have no issue knowing he was stuck in his dorm room without play money or transportation.

We gave DS a choice - he does attend a local Univ. so he could live at home if he wanted to.

We paid it all the first year, we wanted him in a dorm. Going forward we offered to either pay housing/util/groc OR tuition/books.
He has chosen housing, so he pays his tuition and books, his play money and supplements his own groceries. As I said above, I am weird about food so I stock him up fairly regularly, the boy is not going to go hungry any time soon.

He buys his own gas, pays his car insurance and we cover cell phone, medical stuff (rx's, co-pays etc) car repairs etc. He also buys most of his own clothes, although Christmas/Easter are excuses for me to replenish things.

DS takes 14-16 units, works part time and also is an intern at a local Physical Therapy clinic. We send them to college for a lot of reasons and what they learn in the classroom is only part of the educational process (those words of wisdom came from my oh so patient DH when DS had a lackluster 2nd semester of his Freshman year) DH was right. DS is learning all kinds of things being on his own.

Good luck

Hi! He has decided to go to Fresno State. He was accepted into University Nevada Reno, but he will be dorming with his best friend at Fresno. I wanted him to go to UNR, but oh well.

We would like for him to pay for half of insurance now but without a job it would be impossible. He won't have a car when he goes away.

We are excited for the next step in his life. I think it will be a huge life learning lesson!

 

[shortbun]

If you let him stay home, he will still be this way in 4 or 5 years. Send him on, when he gets tired of sitting around watching everybody else have fun, he'll get a clue.

I would probably toss him a jar of PB and a loaf of bread in with his things.

Suzanne

Yeah, this. Time to follow through with your rules. My son knows he needs to be earning money now for college. He made $156 shoveling snow. He's very allergic to grass so he's not going to be doing landscaping but he'll be doing some pet sitting this summer while he works out with the basketball team. So far, we're not demanding he earn X amt but just that he indicate he understands he is responsible for some of his financial needs. They need to learn early.

 

[dairyou]

OP has he given any reason as to why he won't get a job?

Is he the shy type or insecure? Does he have low self-esteem? Does he battle depression?

What are his grades like in school? If he has great grades, then I wouldn't necessarily say he's lazy if he can excel in some areas of life.

Maybe it's not laziness, maybe there's something else going on.

How does he spend his time? If he doesn't want a job just because he wants to hang around the house and play video games, (or whatever teens do these days), that's one thing. But maybe it's something else that you could help him work through.

Not trying to excuse him, but just wondering...

And I hope things work out!!!!

He is shy when it comes to going to people face to face and ask for a application or interview. He wants to do everything on line but it's hard to find a job that way. He did have a job last year for 2 months before the economy took over the buisness and they had to let him go. A friend helped him find that job. I know he is a good worker.

We are going to talk to him tonight.

 

[dairyou]

You guys have been so helpful!! We are planning on having a talk with him tonight. We will offer the pbj for the weekends. We plan to send him. He will have 200.00 in his account that he's saved when he leaves. We plan not to give him any money but stock up his dorm with items he needs. Deodorant, tp, toothbushes, ect. We live 3 hours away and can come to visit him any time. We are not giving him any money but a credit card (that he has already and is trustworthy of) for emergencies.

We were worried his friend will fund activities. Hopefully as a previous poster said he will get tired of doing this. I doubt it though because this boy is very generous.

Any other ideas you have are always welcomed! Thanks for all your help so far!

Deb

 

[curious3069]

I would suggest that you define "emergency" when you talk with him. Based on previous experience, ie, me when I was in college, getting a pizza can become an emergency if you are hungry. Or going to dinner with friends...Or 100's of other things. When parents are far away, consequences seem awfully far away too!!!

 

[Mary•Poppins]

I would be cutting him off "cold turkey" now. And I don't think I would be sending him to school. If he is not working to help himself now, do you think he will work in order to keep his grades? (Just my opinion.)

My 2 oldest sons got their first paid job last summer working for the local school district. They were only 14 and 15 and could work under a permit since they were not 16. Half of their money gets put into savings for college. The other 1/2 is for them to spend. We don't give our sons spending money at this point since we are saving for their education also. We do provide essentials. But anything they want to do with their friends that requires money, they need.

My sons also like to ski ... which is an expensive sport. They pay for all their fees. I really believe that working gives you a purpose and self-esteem .. along with the ability to deal with other people out of the realm of your family. I started working when I was 13 (babysitting) and have continued ever since. Some great jobs ... some really bad. But each job taught me something.

However, I do dream or retirement ....

 

[minkydog]

You know what? When I was 18, my parents wouldn't have gave a crap less why I didn't want to get a job. They would have said "Get a job, we're not supporting your social life".

OP, send him to school with a couple of cases of ramen noodles and some PB&J so he can eat something on the weekends, if that will assuage tour guilt.

Then be done with the money thing. If he asks, say "No.Get ajob. We're paying for school, we're paying for your meal plan, we sent you up there with food for the weekend. Anything you want beyond that is your responsibility". Believe me, college kids are ruthless...you can only mooch off your dorm mates for so long before they'll kick you to the curb.

So true! My oldest DS was very much like this. Just wanted to have everything handed to him with no effort on his part. Incidently, his younger sister is totally the opposite. We cut off his fun money by the time he was 16. I don't pay for date nights, gas, speeding tickets, or clothes from Hot Topic. Even at 16 he learned that he had to work, whether it was at Kroger or pulling weeds for the neighbors.

OP, I agree with other posters who say send him to college without the extra funding. I promise you, he won't starve. College students are very resourceful if they have to be. Consider it a life lesson for him. Pack him a care box with cheap shelf-stable foods, some cleaning wipes for his bathroom, a bowl & a coffee cup. Believe me, when he gets there and finds out that girls don't look twice at a guy who doesn't have any money,that will be the greatest motivation in the world. He may have to go a whole year without a job, but too bad. It won't kill him.

When I was in college my parents couldn't afford to give me any money at all. I learned to stretch a dollar til it squealed! I didn't have a car or cable tV or phone or even a fridge in my room(we had to rent them.) I ate a LOT of vanilla wafers with PB--vanilla wafers hold up longer than bread. I had a small hot pot that i could make instant soup in. But I didn't have money to buy beer, waste on video games, or eat anywhere other than the cafeteria for that first year. You can bet I found a job over the summer--I worked on a cancer ward, cleaning up sick & dying people 11pm-7am 5 nights a week. Hardest job I ever had, but when I went back to school I had enough money saved up for the entire school year.

Good luck with this. Parenting isn't for sissies. You can show him some tough love--he's not going to crumple. In fact, he will feel very proud of himself when he realizes that he doesn't need Mommy & Daddy to make his life unfold. He might really surprise all of you, if you give him the chance.

 

[Lizzy2]

OP, I started to write a really long response but as felt my blood pressure rising I stopped. Let me just say that my brother is 39 and has never been out of my mother's house for more than a few months at a time, even for the year he was married(the ex threw him out on a pretty regular basis). It all started when he was in high school and working part time for his spending money like me and and our other sister was not something he was really interested in. I know you are worried about him but a little tough love now may just save him and you a world of hurt later.

 

[bettymae1121]

You guys have been so helpful!! We are planning on having a talk with him tonight. We will offer the pbj for the weekends. We plan to send him. He will have 200.00 in his account that he's saved when he leaves. We plan not to give him any money but stock up his dorm with items he needs. Deodorant, tp, toothbushes, ect. We live 3 hours away and can come to visit him any time. We are not giving him any money but a credit card (that he has already and is trustworthy of) for emergencies.

We were worried his friend will fund activities. Hopefully as a previous poster said he will get tired of doing this. I doubt it though because this boy is very generous.

Any other ideas you have are always welcomed! Thanks for all your help so far!

Deb

All that sounds fine EXCEPT the credit card thing. My best friend was given a credit card "just for emergencies" and was also a good kid and trust worthy. She also had a job. She still graduated college with $10k worth of CC debt (none of it school related, she took out loans and had a trust fund from her grandfather for that). PLEASE do not give him a CC. If he doesn't have a car, then there isn't a high dollar emergency that can really happen to him. If it's urgent, he can call you and if you agree it's something that needs to be taken care of, you can wire him the money or something.

The rest sounds fine. Get him set up and tell him after that, he's on his own.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh boy, don't give him a credit card. That is just asking for it. You can't have it both ways. I am speaking as a mom with a dd who is a college freshman.

Now she is going to China and we are going to get her a credit card for emergencies there. She already had her own debit card since she was 16.

 

[wdwfan16]

So true! My oldest DS was very much like this. Just wanted to have everything handed to him with no effort on his part. Incidently, his younger sister is totally the opposite. We cut off his fun money by the time he was 16. I don't pay for date nights, gas, speeding tickets, or clothes from Hot Topic. Even at 16 he learned that he had to work, whether it was at Kroger or pulling weeds for the neighbors.

OP, I agree with other posters who say send him to college without the extra funding. I promise you, he won't starve. College students are very resourceful if they have to be. Consider it a life lesson for him. Pack him a care box with cheap shelf-stable foods, some cleaning wipes for his bathroom, a bowl & a coffee cup. Believe me, when he gets there and finds out that girls don't look twice at a guy who doesn't have any money,that will be the greatest motivation in the world. He may have to go a whole year without a job, but too bad. It won't kill him.

When I was in college my parents couldn't afford to give me any money at all. I learned to stretch a dollar til it squealed! I didn't have a car or cable tV or phone or even a fridge in my room(we had to rent them.) I ate a LOT of vanilla wafers with PB--vanilla wafers hold up longer than bread. I had a small hot pot that i could make instant soup in. But I didn't have money to buy beer, waste on video games, or eat anywhere other than the cafeteria for that first year. You can bet I found a job over the summer--I worked on a cancer ward, cleaning up sick & dying people 11pm-7am 5 nights a week. Hardest job I ever had, but when I went back to school I had enough money saved up for the entire school year.

Good luck with this. Parenting isn't for sissies. You can show him some tough love--he's not going to crumple. In fact, he will feel very proud of himself when he realizes that he doesn't need Mommy & Daddy to make his life unfold. He might really surprise all of you, if you give him the chance.

Is this the 23 year old son who you had to kick out of your home because he did not work and only played video games all night?


OP, cut him off now.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm with the majority here:

-- Cut him off right now. If he has NO MONEY, he's going to have NO FUN, and as a high school senior that will mean missing some things.
-- Send him away with that jar of peanut butter and loaf of bread. He won't starve.
-- He will get a job.

At the same time, make sure that he has all the tools he needs to get a job. Be sure that he knows how to apply and follow up. For some kids, having a job is a mystery, and they need to be hand-held through that first step.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I wouldn't give him a CC, he might just get pressured to make that pizza run an "emergency" and one incident turns into another.

If you have to give him something, get him one of those pre-paid CC's, then when the money is gone, it's gone and no problems for you.

Suzanne

 

[MickeySP]

What the princess said!!!!

Use a pre-paid, I was that kid and my definition of emergencies and my parents were mutually exclusive.

 

[manning]

Give him money monthly. $100 the first month, $80 the second, $60 the third Etc.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

send him out. Provide enough money for fun and groceries for ONE MONTH. Tell him it's for ONE MONTH and within that month, he should be able to adjust enough to his new surroundings and find a job.

If he stays home, he may never change......

 

[portocall]

Well, for me, I refused to work until I finished high school. I wanted to focus on school and making good grades. I did have a social life, but that was not something that needed funding since we just went by friends houses to hangout. It was a small town and nothing else to do. My parents tried to get me to work, just as you are trying to do to your DS, but I wouldn't have accepted a job even if offered while still in high school. I had to remind my mother that I did do a whole lot of free babysitting (every day after school from 2:30-7 and every Friday night plus some full weekends) however so I technically did work for the clothes on my back and the meals in my belly.

Fast forward to college I absolutely did get a job. In fact I have worked ever since. I have never come home for anymore than a visit since I moved out at 18 and have never called begging for money. I am sure I had my parents worried over my "laziness" before then however I am very stubborn. I will also mention that I saw my friends with jobs and the extra money didn't do a lot of them any good as money seemed to buy more trouble than pleasure for a few of them.

As far as scholarships go though, does he know how to apply for them? Do they overwhelm him? They were so overwhelming to me that I didn't bother and while I really regret not doing it now, there is no way the 18 year old me would have done it without help.

I agree with most of the ppl on here who say send him without money. There is only one way to learn this lesson and that is the hard way for some of us.

 

[Elmo9607]

If he doesn't get a job, he may just resort to borrowing money from friends. My ex, who is 24 and should know better than this, lost his job for a really stupid reason (all his fault). Even while he had the job, his parents would help him out with spending money every week as most of his paychecks were going into a savings account that he (thankfully!!!!) couldn't access. He got $50 a week.

Well, he has HORRIBLE money habits and would often spend the parent provided money within a couple days on silly stuff like food from restauants and beer instead of groceries or necessities (he has an apt and can cook at home but refuses to).

Instead of stopping the going out to eat and such, he would just borrow money from his friends and continued his lifestyle whenever his money ran out. His parents continued to give him money, and instead of paying his friends back, the cycle would just repeat itself. Last I heard, he had racked up $140 in debt from ONE friend in just a couple weeks. HIS PARENTS PAID THE FRIEND BACK.

IMHO, that is just failure as a parent. You can't whine and complain about your son not having a job while you continue to give said son money every week AND pay his friends back for the debt that is racked up.

I started working my senior year of high school for my spending money, and I NEVER ask people for money. If it's gone, it's gone, and that means I need to try to pick up some extra hours at work or adjust my spending habits. If that means cutting out trips to the mall and drinks from Starbucks and lunches at Panera Bread, then so be it. I have bills to pay and the bank won't care if I decided that I couldn't keep my spending in check.

Honestly, I think I would find it extremely embarassing to have to ask people for money...even from my friends. Gas money (like for a long trip with friends that is decided on beforehand) is no big deal, but asking for just random spending money...I could never do it!!

On a final note, I don't even want to think about what would have happen if my ex had a CREDIT CARD!!!

 

[luvsJack]

You said that he is shy and wants to do everything online? I had that problem with younger ds. He's not shy exactly but doesn't feel really secure in asking for a job. I felt like I was treating him like a child, but I finally just loaded him up and went with him (I sat in the car while he went into the businesses). We started on side of town and went to the other. Once the job offers started coming in, he started feeling more secure about the whole thing and I think that helped with the new job jitters/insecurities when he took one of the jobs.