Keli
<font color=darkcoral>We're smarter than the avera
- Joined
- Oct 27, 1999
- Messages
- 7,280
10-08-2003
I gotta do something. I'm really nervous about the way things are going. Uggh, I don't really know what to do. That's the problem. Sort of. See I have been following a low carb diet for weeks now. Weeks. I've been pretty faithful to it too. 20 carbs a day or less the majority of the time. Except one weekend. Then I blew the diet for the whole weekend. But otherwise I've worked hard at this.
And I guess I've had some success. I'm not totally sure because brilliant me was too afraid to get on the scales. I was too afraid to see how much I weighed. That sounds terrible to even say but it's true. Everyone been mentioning that it looks like I've lost some weight though so I guess I have. But now I know how much I weigh. Last night I finally conquored my enemy in the bathroom. Amazingly enough it is my scale. I was afraid I would weigh more than it registered. Seriously afraid of that. But I didn't. Now the other huge fear I had is coming to pass. I was worried that once I had this huge number in my head that I would be discouraged about this diet. I mean I have such a large amount to lose. I don't think I can climb that mountain. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I can't. Except, somewhere, somewhere I keep thinking that maybe I can. Maybe.
So why do I feel like crying today? Actually I feel more than like crying. I am crying. The tears keep leaking out. I wipe them away and there's more there. I hate that feeling. Like I'm sad and I don't know why. I think it's because I know exactly how much I weigh and yet that doesn't make sense. I don't look one bit different today than I did yesterday. People can see my size and probably give a good guess as to my weight. So why does having a real number bother me so much?
So I'm starting a journal. Not because I really want to. Actually it's a stop gap measure. I don't want to stop this dieting and I'm scared I will. Except people might have read this journal and I wouldn't want to give up in front of everyone. I can fail in private but you know, I hate to do it in front of people. So maybe if someone knows what's going on, well, I'll give it that much more effort and hang in there. We'll see anyway.
So there it is. My first journal entry. It's more the real me than most people will ever see in writing. I used bad grammer, even ended sentences in a preposition and left it. You know why? Because I'm not going to send this journal though the filter of "What will people think of me if they read this?" that I usually send all my posts through. I end up with stilted, fake sounding posts most of the time like that but at least my grammer is correct, lol. I gotta wonder about my priorities at times.
Keli
I gotta do something. I'm really nervous about the way things are going. Uggh, I don't really know what to do. That's the problem. Sort of. See I have been following a low carb diet for weeks now. Weeks. I've been pretty faithful to it too. 20 carbs a day or less the majority of the time. Except one weekend. Then I blew the diet for the whole weekend. But otherwise I've worked hard at this.
And I guess I've had some success. I'm not totally sure because brilliant me was too afraid to get on the scales. I was too afraid to see how much I weighed. That sounds terrible to even say but it's true. Everyone been mentioning that it looks like I've lost some weight though so I guess I have. But now I know how much I weigh. Last night I finally conquored my enemy in the bathroom. Amazingly enough it is my scale. I was afraid I would weigh more than it registered. Seriously afraid of that. But I didn't. Now the other huge fear I had is coming to pass. I was worried that once I had this huge number in my head that I would be discouraged about this diet. I mean I have such a large amount to lose. I don't think I can climb that mountain. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I can't. Except, somewhere, somewhere I keep thinking that maybe I can. Maybe.
So why do I feel like crying today? Actually I feel more than like crying. I am crying. The tears keep leaking out. I wipe them away and there's more there. I hate that feeling. Like I'm sad and I don't know why. I think it's because I know exactly how much I weigh and yet that doesn't make sense. I don't look one bit different today than I did yesterday. People can see my size and probably give a good guess as to my weight. So why does having a real number bother me so much?
So I'm starting a journal. Not because I really want to. Actually it's a stop gap measure. I don't want to stop this dieting and I'm scared I will. Except people might have read this journal and I wouldn't want to give up in front of everyone. I can fail in private but you know, I hate to do it in front of people. So maybe if someone knows what's going on, well, I'll give it that much more effort and hang in there. We'll see anyway.
So there it is. My first journal entry. It's more the real me than most people will ever see in writing. I used bad grammer, even ended sentences in a preposition and left it. You know why? Because I'm not going to send this journal though the filter of "What will people think of me if they read this?" that I usually send all my posts through. I end up with stilted, fake sounding posts most of the time like that but at least my grammer is correct, lol. I gotta wonder about my priorities at times.
Keli