I will cancel my trip tomorrow

[luvthemouse71]

Really what? what would be so bad that would have suddenly came up to cause this? Most kids don't go from being an angel or even a normal kid to doing something so bad the entire family's vacation has to be canceled.
The kid is 11.

My next door neighbor started drugs when she was 11-12. She also stole
from adults purses and stores and was sexually active at 13. Stole a car at 16. And we lived in a nice, middle class neighborhood - her siblings didn't have the same trouble. She was just a bad seed.

Also, the OP didn't say her DDs troubles were sudden.

 

[Sammie]

OP - word of advice.

DO NOT ANSWER THAT QUESTION!

Nothing good can come out of it.

I've been around long enough to know, personal issues should stay personal.

That was over at the first post.

 

[brunette8706]

WHat I don't understand is why would the OP post something in "code" as a launch post?. And then when people comment on it, it seems like it's a big shock. Either tell us the whole story or why start a thread like this? It's human nature to ask "what happened?" I don't mean to be confrontational, but I guess I'm confused.

Brunette

 

[I*heart*MickeyMouse]

WHat I don't understand is why would the OP post something in "code" as a launch post?. And then when people comment on it, it seems like it's a big shock. Either tell us the whole story or why start a thread like this? It's human nature to ask "what happened?" I don't mean to be confrontational, but I guess I'm confused.

Brunette

This is a Disney message board. People here LOVE all things Disney. Why should a person have to reveal something personal in order to get a little comisseration over a cancelled trip? What business is it of anyone's? Will it have some kind of bearing on whether or not you say "aw man that sucks your trip is cancelled, hugs to you" ...

 

[brunette8706]

This is a Disney message board. People here LOVE all things Disney. Why should a person have to reveal something personal in order to get a little comisseration over a cancelled trip? What business is it of anyone's? Will it have some kind of bearing on whether or not you say "aw man that sucks your trip is cancelled, hugs to you" ...

*
Well then, the poster shouldn't be posting "personal" information on the DIS board. We all know by now people are going to ask questions etc. If you don't want any comments/opinions/suggestions, then why post it here on the DIS? Especially on the theme park board?

 

[Missyrose]

As someone who is the older sister of someone who acted out at 11 and continues to act out at 24, I totally applaud OP's decision. I kinda wish my parents had put their foot down more with my sister.

Perhaps you can turn the situation around from a being a vacation you canceled as a "punishment" to having a future Disney trip be something DD11 can work toward with her good behavior. I don't have kids of my own, so clearly I'm not an expert, but that's just my suggestion!

Hope you guys get through this rough patch soon

 

[robinb]

Some kids have issues, problems, go through tough times and taking a trip, whether they know about it ahead of time or not, is still a reward.

Um ... no ... it's only a reward if you make it one. The two are not related unless the OP connects them in the mind of the child. If the OP went ahead with her plans (in December, I think) the 11-year old wouldn't think about how she got away with all the relapsed bad behavior. She would simply enjoy a family trip.

As for kids having issues and problems and going through tough times ... that brings me right back to my very first post. IF the 11-year old's behavior was so drastic that the OP felt that she had to cancel a super secret family trip then maybe those issues are beyond her ability to handle alone.

Oh ... and does anyone want to take odds on how long it will take the 14-year old to leak the news that the 11-year old ruined everything?

 

[drew64]

Why should a person have to reveal something personal in order to get a little comisseration over a cancelled trip?

The original post revealed something personal by including the comment it was a punishment for DD11. Why not just post, we had to cancel the trip and I am sad then.

When you post on a public forum, it does not mean you just get the responses that agree with you and say yes, you are right. People offer their own opinions for better or worse.

 

[BLTLDZ]

And I don't get the obsession with people belittling and second guessing other peoples' parenting techniques.

She did NOT start this thread for advice on what she should do. She came on here for sympathy for her, because the trip is cancelled and she's bummed out.

Dissers never know when to shut the hell up. I'm posting now under my alias I started because I have a personal question thread up on the family board, but I am a LONG time Disser with over 10,000 posts, and this is nothing new to me, this thread going to the dumps. I just don't GET the constant need of (most) dissers to put people down who have different opinions/values/expectations from their own.

AMEN SISTAH!!

JEEZ people. Let the OP parent her child/children whatever way she wishes. She didn't ask if what she did was right! Stop being so nosy. What does it matter what her daughter did?? Bottom line: She is being punished.

To the OP: I applaud your confidence in this matter. Here's to everything working out for you

 

[Bullseye]

*
Well then, the poster shouldn't be posting "personal" information on the DIS board. We all know by now people are going to ask questions etc. If you don't want any comments/opinions/suggestions, then why post it here on the DIS? Especially on the theme park board?

Right on! And all subsequent posts aren't always aimed at the OP, they are reactions to what other posters have said. It's an open forum, a subject is presented, then people comment, provide their opinions, and others respond.

 

[jimmysmom74]

Everyone who post here know how much goes into planning a disney vacation. I'm sure this decision was the best for the OP's family, and very difficult to make as well.

Whatever is going on in this family is probably bigger then a disney trip that can rescheduled for the future when this girl can improve her behavior.

I really hope things get better!

Disney is not going anywhere, it will be there next year!!

 

[yankeepenny]

OP

I remember being 11. I was horrible.
You are doing the right thing.
Kids need parenting and boundaries.



GOd Bless you and your family.

 

[*Meagan*]

I'm really scratching my head right now, the Dis never seems to amaze me.

I'm hijaking this thread for a moment, then I will be on my merry little way. I find it INCREDIBLY interesting that the majority of the comments to this post have been supportive. A month or so ago there was a very, very similar post in the Disney for Families forum by a lovely woman who was asking if one should take away a Disney trip as punishment. The poster was flamed uncontrollably by people until finally the mod's closed the thread. The difference? The OP of that thread was a step-mother. I just find the difference here astounding.

*OP, I think you did the right thing for your family, it's a personal decision for your family and if you think it's right, good on you! )

Im with you!!!! I read that entire thread and she needed to zip up the flame retardant suit.. I felt very badly for her.. just looking for advice and practically got shunned.

 

[EnchantedTales]

Just wanted to share my sadness of not going... Just as many do when they cancel.

Since some folks missed this part I figure I would contribute to this pointless discussion with a reminder of what the OP really wanted. Share her sadness and probably get a few virtual hugs because her trip isn't happening. Do you folks think she can get that?

To the OP hugs, good luck, and I hope things turn around for you.

 

[YodaGirl]

OP, it is your decision and I respect that. Any of us will offer our opinions, but they are just that and only you can decide what is best for your family.

Just a couple of thoughts on some items posted about this, and agian this is just my opinion which does not make me right or the expert but:

I do not agree with the post saying the whole family needs to pull together and take the punishment and help the 11 yea rold. That is not DD 14's job to do.

As someone with 4 siblings and one who constantly pulled things - and still does even as an adult with their own children - that ruined events and outings for all of us, yes, your other children will remember and very likely resent DD 11 for this.

In some ways, in addition to "punishing" DD, you are also empowering her tremendously. This 11 year old now will realize that by her actions she can change decisons and plans for the entire family. You are giving her power and control, and possibly, next time there is a family event she does not want to go to, she will act up so it too can be canceled for everyone.

Personally, I would find a punishment that affects only her and not everyone.

Again, not a judgement, just my opinion and only you can decide what is best for your family.

The OP said that there has been an ongoing behavioral issue with DD11, so I absolutely think that a relapse in her behavior is more than enough justification to cancel the trip and not necessarily enough to warrant therapy. Why reward repeated bad behavior with a trip to Disney?

If she is engaging in ongoing poor behavior that is now "relapsing" and has resulted in the entire family losing a vacation, perhaps it is time that the OP re-evaluate the situation. From the information given, it seems as though the family may need outside help. Often times, it's easier to see the whole picture as an outside party. Let me elaborate that by outside party, I don't mean message board posters. I mean qualified family or behavioral counselors.

Just to make things clear ... I believe that parents should set boundaries, they should come up with consequences and they should follow-through with those consequences if they need to. I also believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Which is why I am perplexed at what this little girl could have done to earn her this severe of a punishment. A punishment that doesn't stop with her but is doled out to the entire family ... including the grandmother!

There are so many other ways to gain compliance from an 11-year old who exhibits bad behavior other than taking away a family vacation. My DD loves her iPod, her cell phone, her friends, her TV, playing outside ... the OP needs to find her DD's currency.

Exactly! Unless a child is a sociopath, there is something out there that is child-specific that will quell behavioral issues.

Emotionally, hormonally, and socially, eleven years old is a difficult age. For every behavior, there is a root cause. As parents, we must look for that root cause. Simply treating the symptoms will not cure anything. If her parents are unable to help her figure out why she is acting out, then IMHO she does need to see someone who can.

 

[honeydiane1953]

Wow what could an 11 yr old do to get a whole trip for the family canceled? and do the other kids know they were going and now aren't because of her? that's a good way to set up life long hard feelings and problems.

IMO there is more of this story than meets the eye. Something ELSE is running underfoot here.

 

[twogirlsandthatsit]

If she is engaging in ongoing poor behavior that is now "relapsing" and has resulted in the entire family losing a vacation, perhaps it is time that the OP re-evaluate the situation. From the information given, it seems as though the family may need outside help. Often times, it's easier to see the whole picture as an outside party. Let me elaborate that by outside party, I don't mean message board posters. I mean qualified family or behavioral counselors.



.

I don't know why I am getting involved but...How does anyone know that they family is NOT getting outside help? How do we know that this is not just a decison that Mom made, but that was made with help from the Dr's, therapist, etc that are helping them? How do they know that Grandma didn't decide that she couldn't take her b/c of her behavior?

OP : I don't know you are around anymore, but if you are I wanted to say Sorry that you have to cancel your trip. Hugs to you and your family. And Good luck with your daughter. You know what is best for your family.

 

[YodaGirl]

I don't know why I am getting involved but...How does anyone know that they family is NOT getting outside help? How do we know that this is not just a decison that Mom made, but that was made with help from the Dr's, therapist, etc that are helping them? How do they know that Grandma didn't decide that she couldn't take her b/c of her behavior?

No one knows.
In fact, no one said that she wasn'tin therapy.
Some posters suggested that she didn't need it.
I suggested that she did.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but the wording of the OP's previous posts leads one to conclude that this was purely a parental decision.

 

[ummchacha]

OP, so sorry things are in such turmoil for your family. Best wishes to all of you.

FYI....I was taking a trip a few years back with just my 3 kids (went with dh a few months earlier and he could not go again). Well, my dd just continued to argue with her brothers. Nothing horrible, but just constant and most unpleasant. She was given fair warning about her behavior, and the pending cancellation of her trip. The week we were set to leave it all came to a head. I had HAD it wth her. I had NO doubt that at 30 thousand feet in the air, she would be deployed out of the emergency exit. So, 4 days before the trip she was 86'd. She thought I was bluffing, so her behavior did not change. She found out when dh dropped me and the boys off at the airport that I really meant business. I was not going to ruin a trip for the rest of us due to her ugliness. Different story than OP, but still about a behaviorally-challenged child creating chaos in the family.

 

[megwilliams]

I'm so sorry that you have to cancel your trip. It sounds like you really weighed out everything and decided what was best for your family. I agree with the PP that stated maybe you could get the 11 yr old involved in the planning of your next trip and then maybe she'd have some ownership in it and be careful to not mess it up.

I know as a child, I was a bit of a beast, and I got stuff taken away from me all the time. Stuff, that sometimes, I didn't even realize I had the ability to get. I would just act out and then get told that I wasn't going to get "X". Honestly, it may not have mattered, but maybe if I'd known that X were an option, I may have been more careful and conscious of my actions.

Please don't take that as judging. I am the last person to second-guess someone's parenting skills (as it really chaps my buns when someone does it to me). You do what you see fit as the best for your family at the time. No one else is in exactly your same shoes.

Good Luck! I really hope DD11 is able to work past her issues, for her sake as well as yours.