How much would you budget for this gift?

[Taylors6]

Let me first say- please do not flame me for how the relationships in our family have turned out. Everyone has their opinion- but until you have lived it and learned it you just don't know how you would react. And there is waaaay too much back story to explain the whole situation...in a nutshell


DH has a 18 (19 in Aug) daughter from a previous relationship. He was very young when she was born- for religion reasons and his parents he did marry the mother. Didn't last long- and he was shaky the first few years- but has always done his best as a father at whatever point in life he was. Financially he has always been outstanding in my opinion (but I deal with a dead beat dad from my ex)! He has always paid his support- doesn't get behind and on more than 1 occasion over the years has VOLUNTARILY raised the amount to keep it in line with what he makes. He started at $33 a week and now pays over 4X that amount and has stayed within the amount the law would mandate without force by the mother. We have often done alot of extras too (help with school supplies-brought on vacations- braces, etc.)

The mom is a piece of work- all about the money. Almost 40 and dates 20 year olds. Never grew up and simply does not have decent morals at all.

She has made dealing with her a nightmare for the last 16 years. About 4 years ago- once the child was older we put our foot down and now we just don't even deal with her unless absolutely necessary. So the last 4 years have been a downhill spiral with my husbands daughter- she hates us and our family basically because she sides with her mom and feels we are wrong if we don't suck up to her mom and let her walk right in our house or we just walk past her in the grocery store, etc..

In the 4 years DH has tried to stay involved with her school and asking about grades, etc..- She just lies- and has almost flunked out. When he tried to help earlier this year (her Senior year) and told her hearfelt how important that diploma was and how he regretted his mistakes from high school - she responded by going to the office and telling them that since she is 18 she doesn't want any more info given to her dad. Her mom texted DH to make sure he knew it.

The daughter has told my DH on more than one occasion in the last 2 years "I am done with your family" and made comments about "your ____ fat ___ wife" etc. Its just ugly.

So...we don;t even know she will graduate- I think the mom wants her not to so support will continue until she turns 19. DH says he does not know if she does if he will even get a invite or anything.

What would you do- send a gift? How much of a gift? Cash? I normally hate that- especially considering she has an issue with drugs- but we give gift cards at Birthday and Christmas- so I thought it should be something different. Jewelry?

Any suggestions you have will be appreciated- I don't see her going to college unless its the local CC just long enough to get the pell grant $ so college stuff is not needed.

 

[Micday]

I too have a step-child who stays with his mother so I know where you are coming from.

I would first make sure she is graduating. If she is then I would send something. To be honest, if she is as hateful as it sounds nothing you send will be good enough.

Here is a huge from one stepmom to another!

Maybe someone will come up with a great ideal for you.

Good Luck!!!

Michelle

 

[MKCP5]

there is nothing you can do that is right here. They will never see any guesture you make as enough or the right thing. So give a gift you feel led to, whether monetary or an actual gift, and send a card with it telling her how sorry you are that things are so tough between you and that you love her and will always be there. Done. You have acted appropriately, you have made efforts and done what you are supposed to, now she is an adult and will have to decide what she wants from you in her life.

 

[patsal]

Don't have much advice, only I am in a similiar situation with my bio son. We are not divorced but he is a train wreck for some reason...
I have told all the relatives to give him a nice card that celebrates his accomplishment but not to give him any money or large gifts as he has decided he doesn't want to go to school so he will not need the $$ to help with that. If he wants to be a grown up than he needs to take all that responsibility and get what he needs on his own.
If you feel it is necessary to buy a gift I would get something that would not end up pawned for cash. This is a tough one, maybe a collage of wonderful memory shots to celebrate her growth, but not something that would have more than sentimental value.
For me, in a symbolic gesture, I am having his phone cut off the day after graduation and asking for his key back (if he doesn't follow the rules)...I'm done!

 

[Siouxstone]

I think you may be stuck living near a "drama swamp". If you give cash, it might be put to poor use. If you give something like a new ipod or jewelry, it may just be sold for cash.

IMHO, as someone who has very difficult, ungrateful branch on the family tree, anything you do will possibly be wrong in her eyes and there won't be a thing you can do about it. I know some people think gift cards aren't the way to go, but I would pick one out to a clothing store that I know she likes. That way, still being a teenage girl, you have a shot at it being something she will use as intended. As for the amount, choose it with love as you would if you were still close. Someday, you just might be a family again. Beyond that, there isn't much else you can do.

Good luck!

 

[bootleg89]

As someone who grew up without her dad, I can kinda see the multiple sides of this situation. It's great that your DH has tried to stay so involved, but as the DD I can understand how she feels that she got the short end of the stick. It's not her fault that things turned out the way they did. Having said that I agree that money should not be given.
I would say to try and find out if she is graduating at all. If she is then maybe you could offer to buy her her dress for graduation. That way she feels it's important to you and DH.
Even if DH is not invited he should still get her something small maybe a frame with the grad date engraved. Two wrongs do not make a right. As she matures, she will realize that she made a mistake.
Another idea, if you get invited, would be to get her the frame or a scrap book and maybe a camera and write a card state for her to capture her memories. But use your better judgement, if you think she will sell or pawn it then don't do it.
Good luck with handling the situation.

 

[mrsklamc]

My mom tried to tell me as a child that everything that was wrong was my dad's fault. As I matured I eventually did realize that they both had their flaws, but initially I did believe what my mom told me.

I would do a couple of things. I would budget no more than $100 for a gift of some time acknowledging the graduation. Even if she doesn't invite you. Because someday the truth may hit her and you want her to know that you still love her, etc.

The second thing I would do, if you think it has ANY chance of success, is see if you can get her to do college planning with you. It sounds like she might not, but if she seems interested at ALL, and you are interested in helping with her college, you could work out some kind of incentive plan.

She'll come around eventually. The question is how much of her life she will have screwed up by then.

 

[TnTWalter]

OP I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine. Big [[[[[[[[[Hugs]]]]]]]]

I think bootleg gave great advice.

Good luck.

 

[Juliegirl1]

Savings bonds? Money she can't use until she's older...

 

[Taylors6]

Thank you all for your understanding....I had know idea just how much better reading that would make me feel!

I also appreciate the ideas- I think I will stear from jewelry...I had leaned that way because she seems to like that kind of thing (when she was caught shoplifting thats what she had! Geez!) but I had not thought about how easily she could sell something like that.

I was thinking $100 too- for our family that is a nice decent gift- we normally do $50 for birthday for the kids...so I think $100 is good- but I have seen some of the other things mentioned and thought I don't want us to look like we gave a paltry gift, but you all are right- and I have said that to my DH- it never matters what we do- its still never good enough and we are pieces of crap the next week anyways.

I hope she changes her mind someday and feels that being part of our family is worth something to her. But for the time being- we have all (other kids included) taken enough abuse so I am happy for us to just step back and wait for her to come around.

Not sure how we can figure out about the graduation thing- last we knew she was passing all things- but had a D- in one class- and needs all credits or she will not graduate. She told her dad she was going to take a credit recovery class for that class- but a call to the school informed him that you can't recover a credit that you have not yet lost- so that would mean she is planning on not passing it and coming back to get it - maybe thru a summer program (but no one knows if the funding will be there for it this year). When he mentioned that to her - her response was just- I'm going to try my best. If she does- she will be fine because she honestly is a smart girl- but you can't miss 35 days of school a year an expect good grades! Our extended family is WAAAYYY into enabling her (well...its the mom's fault she no-showed for a court date- or "what do you expect- shes had some kind of mom"- yet they act like they love the mom and loan her $ or whatever to keep her happy!- Drama Swamp is accurate!) so they are just smiling and telling her to let them know when her graduation is (she told them shes not sure.... uh...well it's May 23rd...) but if she chooses not to invite us they will not tell us because they don't want to make her or her mom mad.

DH said- no invite- no gift. But I think that is just playing to their crap- and he has been better than that all of these years so it seems like even though I am cheap.....I think he will be able to hold his head high knowing he has done everything he could. I think its worth $100 just to be able to know we made an effort.

Thanks again for the insight- anyone with any other thoughts I will certainly appreciate them.

Oh...and where do you buy saving bonds?

 

[mrsklamc]

I think you can buy savings bonds at the post office but there is nothing stopping her from cashing them out so I wouldn't bother, honestly.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

You could do savings bonds. The money accrues overtime. Maybe that will help her understand that you aren't just going to give her stuff anymore since she wants nothing to do with you guys anymore. She could cash them in, but only at partial value. Just a thought.

 

[dzorn]

Thank you all for your understanding....I had know idea just how much better reading that would make me feel!

I also appreciate the ideas- I think I will stear from jewelry...I had leaned that way because she seems to like that kind of thing (when she was caught shoplifting thats what she had! Geez!) but I had not thought about how easily she could sell something like that.

I was thinking $100 too- for our family that is a nice decent gift- we normally do $50 for birthday for the kids...so I think $100 is good- but I have seen some of the other things mentioned and thought I don't want us to look like we gave a paltry gift, but you all are right- and I have said that to my DH- it never matters what we do- its still never good enough and we are pieces of crap the next week anyways.

I hope she changes her mind someday and feels that being part of our family is worth something to her. But for the time being- we have all (other kids included) taken enough abuse so I am happy for us to just step back and wait for her to come around.

Not sure how we can figure out about the graduation thing- last we knew she was passing all things- but had a D- in one class- and needs all credits or she will not graduate. She told her dad she was going to take a credit recovery class for that class- but a call to the school informed him that you can't recover a credit that you have not yet lost- so that would mean she is planning on not passing it and coming back to get it - maybe thru a summer program (but no one knows if the funding will be there for it this year). When he mentioned that to her - her response was just- I'm going to try my best. If she does- she will be fine because she honestly is a smart girl- but you can't miss 35 days of school a year an expect good grades! Our extended family is WAAAYYY into enabling her (well...its the mom's fault she no-showed for a court date- or "what do you expect- shes had some kind of mom"- yet they act like they love the mom and loan her $ or whatever to keep her happy!- Drama Swamp is accurate!) so they are just smiling and telling her to let them know when her graduation is (she told them shes not sure.... uh...well it's May 23rd...) but if she chooses not to invite us they will not tell us because they don't want to make her or her mom mad.

DH said- no invite- no gift. But I think that is just playing to their crap- and he has been better than that all of these years so it seems like even though I am cheap.....I think he will be able to hold his head high knowing he has done everything he could. I think its worth $100 just to be able to know we made an effort.
Thanks again for the insight- anyone with any other thoughts I will certainly appreciate them.

Oh...and where do you buy saving bonds?

Maybe a good compromise is to have a card ready and give it to her when she comes over. If she doesn't come get it it just sits until she does.

Denise in MI

 

[ChristaDeVil]

Maybe a good compromise is to have a card ready and give it to her when she comes over. If she doesn't come get it it just sits until she does.

Denise in MI

What she said. I think you have gotten great feedback on here. I just wanted to come over after reading and give you a .

 

[dfchelbay]

Sorry, but I don't see how rewarding nasty behavior is in this girl's best interest. Her parents have not been together for nearly her entire life, so it's not like she's having a hard time adjusting to a divorce, and that's why she's acting out. She's nearly 19 years old and is old enough to know better. Everyone in her family seems to be indulging her and her mother's nasty behavior. Would you let anyone else on the street talk to you or treat you this way?

I'd write her a heartfelt letter saying how sad you (dad) are that she has such harsh feeling about him and disdain toward him and his/her family. Perhaps one day, you will see that I (dad) have done everything in my power to love you, guide you, provide for you and protect you. When you, and your heart, are ready to love and be loved in a mature and healthy manner, dad will be here waiting for you. Love Dad

Then, end the attempts at communicating. Half the thrill of being nasty, is the sparring and bantering back and forth. When no one is there to participate in the negativity/arguing, it no longer is fun or a thrill. She doesn't respect dad right now. Any attempt to communicate/placate feeds into that disrespect. Her treating dad like crap and dad doing all in his power to make the situation better, makes her see dad as weak, thus exacerbating her feelings of disrespect toward him.

Right now, this is a no win situation for dad. Playing nice, pisses her off, playing hardball pisses her off. This is her (with the help of her mother's) toxic mess. Dad needs to write a very loving letter, without blame of her or himself for any of this. Just sorry it is this way and hope it won't be one day. Express love and desire for a future together and leave it at that. If she calls to argue, say sorry you feel that way, and say no more. Do not participate in the argument. Every time she addresses dad this way, have the same response. Over time, and with personal growth, she will see that dad is not mad, dad is not weak, dad is not someone she can walk all over, disrespect and expect to do as he is told by her.

Her personal growth will grow leaps and bounds once she gains some distance, and perspective, away from her mother. At her age, that will soon come. She will want to flee the nest and be on her own. She will take notice of the relationships her friends have with their parents. Then, perhaps, a sense of what is healthy and not healthy relationships, will come to her.

Until then, dad needs to just sit back and let her try to clean up her own mess. Wait for her to grow up a little. With the passage of time, maybe she'll read and re-read dad's letter and feel truly loved by him and want that love back in her life on a regular basis. Good Luck.

 

[Taylors6]

Funny you would say that....because we have a card full of gift cards sitting in the safe from 2 Christmas' ago!

The only reason we don't have her birthday and Christmas ones from this last year is because we mailed them.

A friend suggested this:

She has a $144 balance on a no- insurance court case (went all the way to warrant for her arrest because she didn't go back for the hearing that she asked to be continued) - my friend said we should go and pay it off.

It's more than I planned to spend- but she has a follow up in June and was ordered to pay it in equal monthly installments- which she has not even paid one of them (the only money paid was the $300 bond her mom paid when they went up and turned her in-) so I don't think she will want to go to the hearing- and she sure won't spend any of her own $ on paying the payments. If we paid it atleast we would know that it was taken care of...kinda like her getting a fresh start?

BTW....I am not in favor of paying a kids ticket at all!! My DD works to pay for her own gas $, etc.- and knows that a ticket would mean NO CAR, but being that anything else we give might just be used for partying.....

 

[mrsklamc]

Actually, I don't think you should pay the fine. The sooner she realizes there are REAL consequences for her actions, the better off she will be. People don't change until the way they are doing things becomes uncomfortable for them.

 

[Taylors6]

dfchelbay-

I am totally with you! What you wrote is how we feel. My DH has had "mini" discussions with her- many of them heartfelt (like he cries afterwards and he is NOT a crier!). Whatever is said she relates back to the mom- and then she (mom) texts DH some ugly crap (which he just ignores and does not respond- he's already told her that she has nothing to do with discussion he has with DD).

About a month ago he did send her (DD) a very long text- like 5 pages (long for him!) and he texted because she has suddenly started up texting him crap one night about him asking about her grades, etc.- and he did not immediately respond because we were working a school athletic concession (we are board members and get stuck up there ALOT!) and within 20 minutes she was flipping out and being very ugly and disrespectful. He told her he was in the middle of something and hang on a sec- but it didn't matter. That night he told her point blank- 'I don't know why you always want to attack me and the rest of the family. I am sorry that I am not the kind of Dad you wish you had, but until you can learn to be civil then just don't bother to contact me anymore to question me about why I do what I do. I am your dad and one day when you realize the way you have been and want to change- we will of course always be here for you, but as long as you choose to be hateful and drama filled then we will just pray for you."

She took it like a joke- forwarded it to her mom- who came back at my DH the next day with a bunch of crap- which he ignored. We saw her (daughter) on Easter Sunday and she just ignored our presence. Uncomfortable for us- but fine with the rest of his family as long as they get to see her.

Oh- and she'll never get away from the mother- the whole family is like gypsy's (they like in a house with the grandma- mom and his daughter....they all party together.... all of them think men are only good for their $). Daughter has not had a job for about 2 years (quit the last one to take off out of state for a month with a friend when she was 16- mom was fine with it) and is perfectly happy living rent free- where the mom or grandma will go buy the beer for her and her friends on a Friday night.

No wonder our family can't compete with that kind of teenage fun! UGH!

 

[tinkerbelletreasure]

Just to kind of echo the last post...and I have a teenage step daughter of my own, so I do understand your delima...dad need to step up and take the reigns in this situation. Ultimately, it's his daughter/his relationship with her and if she is the drama swamp you say she is, any reaching out on your part is probably going to be rebuffed anyway.
We were having similar problems with my step daughter, but luckily she came to live with us a couple months ago and then have really turned around for us. Hope things work out!

 

[mrsklamc]

OK, with more details, I agree with PP- sort of. I would write her the letter, attach a giftcard, and cut ties. She can come to you guys if she ever wants to continue the relationship like a civil human being, but until then, have a nice life.