How Do You Get an Adult Child out of your house??

[Darcy03231]

This happened to friends' of my parents. This is what they did:

They rented a small studio apartment and prepaid the rent for 6 months. They stocked the fridge/freezer and pantry. On a weekend he was away the moved all of his belongings into it, put a change of address card in at the post office and changed the locks on the doors to their home. When he arrived "home" they showed him to his new residence, gave him the keys and told him he was no longer to come to their house unless he called first and then it would only be for a visit. The apartment had no cable, no phone, etc. It was up to him to get them hooked up and paid for. It took a bit, but he finally got himself straightened out.

 

[Chris2597]

Well, the saga continues. Another mutual friend suggested that the mother should make sure that her nice purses were still in the closet. Sure enough an expensive Coach purse is missing...Of course her son knows nothing about it.
The Constable suggested that a police report be made on the missing items for the record and that an emergency eviction possibly could be obtained by an attorney. I believe they are going to try this route.

The parents have considered renting him an efficiency apt for 3-6 months but all complexes require the parents name to be on the lease, hence they would be responsible for anything that happened in the apt. Also, what would happen at the end of 6 months when he still had no way of paying rent on his own? The parents would be in the hot seat once again trying to get him out of the apt. this is a total no win situation.

 

[mamajoan]

I am sorry that your friends are having to go thru this situation with their son. Tough love is easier said than done. I hope that they are able to get the emergency eviction with the help of an attorney.

I do have a question... Does anyone think that the parents will need a restraining order against their son so that he legally unable to return to the home for a distinct period of time?

Having been in a similar type of situation which has since been resolved ... the eviction process and restraining order issues were brought up to us by police.

 

[manning]

They have thought of this and called the police dept to see what they would do if he came back and wouldnt leave the property....broke window, doors to get in ....the officer said nothing as they would consider this his residence. Believe me....they would have already done what you suggested.

What state is this taking place in ???

 

[manning]

Drive him to a recruitment office and have him join the military. Sounds like he has some serious growing up to do.

Today's military won't take him !!

 

[hereyago]

The parents have considered renting him an efficiency apt for 3-6 months but all complexes require the parents name to be on the lease, hence they would be responsible for anything that happened in the apt. Also, what would happen at the end of 6 months when he still had no way of paying rent on his own? The parents would be in the hot seat once again trying to get him out of the apt. this is a total no win situation.

They need to just give him the first months' rent, which of course will be used on other things. But there is no way they should put their name on a lease for him, he is a big boy now. No more enabling. Once he is out, then that has to be it,no come visitng and staying overnight or hear the sad stories.

He isn't going to rent an apartment, he will mooch off his friends while he does his thing of choice. the money will run out, the friends will get tired, it is't a party if no one is paying. he will then maybe hit bottom.

 

[Imzadi]

The hard work will come afterward when he runs out of $$ and the manipulation starts again. It might just be that getting him out was the easy part.

Frankly, I don't think they will be able to stop enabling him. They are in the throws of the nightmare of living with him, but their pattern is that every time before, they took him back. Because they can't stand the other nightmare of guilt or fear of leaving "Johnny" on the street. If something happened to "Johnny" it would kill them. So they take him back in. Hoping and believing his lies, (being a willing participant) in what they know is a deception. Because they can't live with the fear & guilt.

That is their PATTERN. The parents have always enabled him. I'm not trying to be cruel. But the hard facts are, they have shown nothing to believe they will truly change that pattern. They have taken him back every other time.

Do you honestly believe that in 6 months when the son shows up totally broke, homeless, desperate, living on the street, drugged out, the parents are just going to turn their backs on him? "We can let "Johnny" remain homeless this time. We said, 'Good Riddance.' It won't matter if we find him strung out, dead in some alley. We did the best we could. It was up to him." What would be different this time that they can turn their backs? No, they'll take him back.

That is also why the police hesitate to get involved. They show up, the son gets violent during a domestic dispute. One of the cops get hurt. Three months later, the son is living back at home anyway. So what did the cop get hurt for? No reason.

The parents have considered renting him an efficiency apt for 3-6 months but all complexes require the parents name to be on the lease, hence they would be responsible for anything that happened in the apt. Also, what would happen at the end of 6 months when he still had no way of paying rent on his own? The parents would be in the hot seat once again trying to get him out of the apt. this is a total no win situation.

That's odd. The son is around a 25 year old adult. Why would their names have to be on the lease? Especially if they pay it all up front? There ARE places that do rent out for 6 month leases. There are also extended stay hotel situations that rent by the month.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, the saga continues. Another mutual friend suggested that the mother should make sure that her nice purses were still in the closet. Sure enough an expensive Coach purse is missing...Of course her son knows nothing about it.
The Constable suggested that a police report be made on the missing items for the record and that an emergency eviction possibly could be obtained by an attorney. I believe they are going to try this route.

The parents have considered renting him an efficiency apt for 3-6 months but all complexes require the parents name to be on the lease, hence they would be responsible for anything that happened in the apt. Also, what would happen at the end of 6 months when he still had no way of paying rent on his own? The parents would be in the hot seat once again trying to get him out of the apt. this is a total no win situation.

If they are going to rent him a place then they might as well not kick him out.

The parents have to decide to send him to the streets. Yes, it is heartless however he is using drugs, stealing from them, and what next? It is time to get him out of the house so both of them can start their new lives.

 

[Sparx]

That's odd. The son is around a 25 year old adult. Why would their names have to be on the lease? Especially if they pay it all up front? There ARE places that do rent out for 6 month leases. There are also extended stay hotel situations that rent by the month.

Probably because he doesn't have a job. I'm a college student, and even though I pay all my rent with my excess scholarship money, my mom's name still had to be on my lease because I didn't have a job.

 

[FayeW]

Stop cooking with cheese!

 

[ericamanda01]

Honestly I would stop buying food, turn off the cable turn off the internet, and home phone. Make him hate living there. I would also start the eviction process. He is a drain on their lives, he doesn't want to grow up and they are the ones suffering because of it.

 

[mickeylove2]

I don't think it's necessarily an issue of "squatter's rights"; the statutes that govern this are more akin to landlord/tenant law (even though in this case there isn't really a formalized lease between the parents and the son); that is, unless the situation actually involves an otherwise unoccupied dwelling in which someone has taken up unauthorized residence.

Either way, I agree 100% with the recommendation. In the eyes of the law, changing the locks would be a "self-help" remedy, most of which are unlawful. As far as the law enforcement/judiciary is concerned, the eviction process exists to help you get rid of your unwanted houseguest. Changing the locks is viewed as sort of..."vigilante justice", for lack of a better term.

In many states, it's very easy to give someone an invitation to stay in your house. . .but very difficult to take it away. It's an oft-annoying quirk of the law, but it is what it is.

Go to your local courthouse and ask how to kick out a relative. I've been there, at least in MD that's how it works. My Dbil is a state trooper, my Dsis works for the State's Attorney's office, my other Dbil is a lawyer, my ex is a former military cop, any of them will tell you the same thing that I posted- like I said for MD anyway. It varies from state to state and it's called Squatter's Rights.

 

[babyrich]

Tell them to take action now. Change the locks and start the eviction process to make sure he legally cannot enter the house. They should get an alarm system cause he probably will try to break in out of spite.

My cousin is almost 50 and still living off his father. He has never held a job for more than 2 weeks. My aunt, who has passed, always believed him when he said he would change. They were living on social security and he would steal money from her wallet.

Now at 47 he sits around the house all day drinking. He has 2 adult children from a shot-gun marriage that live there too and his son who is 19 (dropped out of high school at 15) is a lazy waste just like his father.

The person will not change, he will promise, beg, and plead. Dont listen.

 

[luvsJack]

Frankly, I don't think they will be able to stop enabling him. They are in the throws of the nightmare of living with him, but their pattern is that every time before, they took him back. Because they can't stand the other nightmare of guilt or fear of leaving "Johnny" on the street. If something happened to "Johnny" it would kill them. So they take him back in. Hoping and believing his lies, (being a willing participant) in what they know is a deception. Because they can't live with the fear & guilt.

That is their PATTERN. The parents have always enabled him. I'm not trying to be cruel. But the hard facts are, they have shown nothing to believe they will truly change that pattern. They have taken him back every other time.

Do you honestly believe that in 6 months when the son shows up totally broke, homeless, desperate, living on the street, drugged out, the parents are just going to turn their backs on him? "We can let "Johnny" remain homeless this time. We said, 'Good Riddance.' It won't matter if we find him strung out, dead in some alley. We did the best we could. It was up to him." What would be different this time that they can turn their backs? No, they'll take him back.

That is also why the police hesitate to get involved. They show up, the son gets violent during a domestic dispute. One of the cops get hurt. Three months later, the son is living back at home anyway. So what did the cop get hurt for? No reason.

This all sounds very hard-nosed but I am afraid that from observation of a co-worker I must agree. My co-workers son is in his late 30's and they go through this yo-yo with him weekly. He has even attacked his father and he readily admits his drug addiction (pills). No matter what happens, he moves back in only to be thrown out a few days later. Its sad when his mother is almost glad when he moves in with a bunch of other druggies because it gets him out of her house for awhile.



As for the man in the OP not having a place to go and being on the street, in most areas there are places to go. Here we have a place called Christian Services that will give someone a place to sleep for the short term (I am sure there is something similar in your area).

I wouldn't say that he won't change, he can; many do. But the fact is he has to hit rock bottom and he is not going to do that living with mom and dad. They have to realize that they will be doing more for him by getting him out of their house where he has to realize what he is doing to his life.

Maybe the parents need to go to some kind of Al-anon meeting or talk to addiction counselors and really find out what they can do to help him. In this way, once they get him out of the house, they can stick to their guns knowing what they are doing is to help him not to desert him. (I am not saying that they are deserting him, just that they don't need to feel that way)

 

[mickeylove2]

This all sounds very hard-nosed but I am afraid that from observation of a co-worker I must agree. My co-workers son is in his late 30's and they go through this yo-yo with him weekly. He has even attacked his father and he readily admits his drug addiction (pills). No matter what happens, he moves back in only to be thrown out a few days later. Its sad when his mother is almost glad when he moves in with a bunch of other druggies because it gets him out of her house for awhile.



As for the man in the OP not having a place to go and being on the street, in most areas there are places to go. Here we have a place called Christian Services that will give someone a place to sleep for the short term (I am sure there is something similar in your area).

I wouldn't say that he won't change, he can; many do. But the fact is he has to hit rock bottom and he is not going to do that living with mom and dad. They have to realize that they will be doing more for him by getting him out of their house where he has to realize what he is doing to his life.

Maybe the parents need to go to some kind of Al-anon meeting or talk to addiction counselors and really find out what they can do to help him. In this way, once they get him out of the house, they can stick to their guns knowing what they are doing is to help him not to desert him. (I am not saying that they are deserting him, just that they don't need to feel that way)

I agree 100% with you! My cousin and her 5 month old baby were living on the streets, her parents kicked her out, so I took them in. She lived with me for almost 6 months- she lost custody of her son after being with me for 3 months because I wouldn't take him. She cried, begged, pleaded- she would change. She didn't change, her drug habit got worse, she would steal my car and drive to the city for drugs and to prostitute herself, she had drug dealers in my home. I would come home from work and there would be drug dealers playing on the swings with my girls.

It got out of hand. I got her accepted into rehab 3 times, twice she refused to go the third time she got kicked out after a day and a half. I found drugs and needles in my house, she would cook and nod out and my kids would walk in and turn the stove off. I kicked her out and she would come back and I would take her back in. Finally I couldn't allow her to be in my house while I was gone so she would leave during the day and then come back when I got home and shower eat and sleep.

The final straw was when she broke into my house while I was at work and stole from my kids and me. I called the cops, pressed charges, kicked her out, went to court and the State's Attorney said listen, unless you want to see her in a coffin in 3 months you need to stick to your guns, send her to jail, ask for the maximum penalty, don't go easy on her.

So, as hard as it was, I did. She went to jail, got released and violated so she has a warrant and is getting ready to go back to jail for a year. I love her, but she needs to change and if this will make her change than I'm glad that I finally put my foot down.

 

[babyrich]

I agree 100% with you! My cousin and her 5 month old baby were living on the streets, her parents kicked her out, so I took them in. She lived with me for almost 6 months- she lost custody of her son after being with me for 3 months because I wouldn't take him. She cried, begged, pleaded- she would change. She didn't change, her drug habit got worse, she would steal my car and drive to the city for drugs and to prostitute herself, she had drug dealers in my home. I would come home from work and there would be drug dealers playing on the swings with my girls.

It got out of hand. I got her accepted into rehab 3 times, twice she refused to go the third time she got kicked out after a day and a half. I found drugs and needles in my house, she would cook and nod out and my kids would walk in and turn the stove off. I kicked her out and she would come back and I would take her back in. Finally I couldn't allow her to be in my house while I was gone so she would leave during the day and then come back when I got home and shower eat and sleep.

The final straw was when she broke into my house while I was at work and stole from my kids and me. I called the cops, pressed charges, kicked her out, went to court and the State's Attorney said listen, unless you want to see her in a coffin in 3 months you need to stick to your guns, send her to jail, ask for the maximum penalty, don't go easy on her.

So, as hard as it was, I did. She went to jail, got released and violated so she has a warrant and is getting ready to go back to jail for a year. I love her, but she needs to change and if this will make her change than I'm glad that I finally put my foot down.

That took a lot of courage....

 

[Praying Colonel]

Today's military won't take him !!

Even if he wanted to join (you can't compel him), sounds like he'd probably fail the drug test.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

What a sad situation for all involved--for the parents, obviously, but also for what sounds like a very screwed up young man. Perhaps the parents should consider giving him several options, in writing. One could be that he leaves via eviction, and for that he does not get any help, financial or otherwise. Another is that he looks for a job and a room to rent and they help him a bit financially while he's learning to help himself. But for that, he would have to show intent and carry through on his promises. The 3rd option could be in-patient addiction services. The assumption is that he's using and based on what you described, I'd be surprised if he wasn't.

No matter what route they go, I'd make it clear via a written contract what the house rules are and what he can do to help out. If he can't follow through then all offers are null and void and he must move out. Anywhere he goes he will have some sort of rules. Right now the path of least resistance is at home since he's not having to do anything for the privilege of staying there.

The parents owe it to their son to help him grow up. I would suggest al-anon meetings for the parents to help them learn how to not be co-dependent.

 

[Quiksilvr]

Go to your local courthouse and ask how to kick out a relative. I've been there, at least in MD that's how it works. My Dbil is a state trooper, my Dsis works for the State's Attorney's office, my other Dbil is a lawyer, my ex is a former military cop, any of them will tell you the same thing that I posted- like I said for MD anyway. It varies from state to state and it's called Squatter's Rights.

LOL. If you want to start a contest, I'm also a lawyer. Admitted in Maryland, actually, although I don't practice in the state. And I also used to work for one of Maryland's fine State's Attorney's Offices. What a coincidence.

There is a legal difference between a squatter and a houseguest. A squatter enters a property without permission and won't leave. A houseguest enters with permission and won't leave. It would be pretty tough to argue that the son is a squatter. He's been living in the house for years with permission. The eviction process exists to prove that the permission has been revoked.

Actually, if you really want to get technical, the term used to describe this in the Maryland code is a "wrongful detainer" action.

Still, it's a silly argument to have, because the remedy is the same irrespective of whether the individual had permission to enter the property or not: eviction proceedings with the District Court, in which the property owner argues that the person has no legal right of possession.

 

[mickeylove2]

LOL. If you want to start a contest, I'm also a lawyer. Admitted in Maryland, actually, although I don't practice in the state. And I also used to work for one of Maryland's fine State's Attorney's Offices. What a coincidence.

There is a legal difference between a squatter and a houseguest. A squatter enters a property without permission and won't leave. A houseguest enters with permission and won't leave. It would be pretty tough to argue that the son is a squatter. He's been living in the house for years with permission. The eviction process exists to prove that the permission has been revoked.

Actually, if you really want to get technical, the term used to describe this in the Maryland code is a "wrongful detainer" action.

Still, it's a silly argument to have, because the remedy is the same irrespective of whether the individual had permission to enter the property or not: eviction proceedings with the District Court, in which the property owner argues that the person has no legal right of possession.

No contest, I'm definitely too old for that, but if you want to go ahead ...I was showing all of the different entities I had to go through in order to have her kicked out of my house. Sherriffs office told me to go to Commisioner and have her evicted, Commissioner says no squatters rights tell her to leave, MSP says you can't put her stuff on the street and change the locks, I go to lawyer to have her evicted, State's Attorney looks at me like I'm crazy cuz there's no squatter's rights, I don't have to have her evicted. Call it what you want, it's basically the same definition. Person needs to leave and won't. It's still a PITA to get done. Had to have her locked up so I could "legally" make her leave my house.