Help... Husband has a son!

[Trish.Glenn]

Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!

 

[kimblebee]

First things first. I would get a DNA test done, just to be sure.

 

[hereyago]

Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!

Holy crap! Ok, not to sound mean, but your dh needs to lawyer up, petition the court for DNA testing and from there get child support (13 plus back child support would suck) and visitation/custody issues would also follow. Wish y'all luck.

 

[kimblebee]

Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!

sorry, forgot the rule.

 

[Bounce_Tigger]

What a lot to digest! Counseling may help you, your husband and his son.

It sounds like you're in Mass - am I right? Was a CHINS filed by his bio mom? They're usually filed by parents, school or police for a chid who is misbehaving/not doing well. Once filed, the child and parent go to court to determine the next step - sometimes counseling/anger management, sometimes an alternative school, sometimes a treatment facility/detention center. You mentioned DSS - that office no longer exists in Massachusetts. It is now the Department of Children and Families or DCF. Is his son involved with DYS/the court?

He's staying with you? Why? Does the court know? Is his dad listed on a birth certificate?

I'd recommend meeting with a social worker/case worker (he may have been assigned one because of his CHINS/DYS involvement) and seeing what the process is. If your DH is not listed as a biological parent, he is under no legal obligation to help out. I would NOT have him stay with you without ensuring that it's OK with the court and/or his caseworker if he is committed to DYS or involved with DCF.

 

[dansamy]

Holy crap! Ok, not to sound mean, but your dh needs to lawyer up, petition the court for DNA testing and from there get child support (13 plus back child support would suck) and visitation/custody issues would also follow. Wish y'all luck.

This. Because even if he gets custody now, at 13, the mother still raised him, either on her own or with government assistance, to this point. There's going to be thousands of dollars of arrears involved.

 

[Trish.Glenn]

What a lot to digest! Counseling may help you, your husband and his son.

It sounds like you're in Mass - am I right? Was a CHINS filed by his bio mom? They're usually filed by parents, school or police for a chid who is misbehaving/not doing well. Once filed, the child and parent go to court to determine the next step - sometimes counseling/anger management, sometimes an alternative school, sometimes a treatment facility/detention center. You mentioned DSS - that office no longer exists in Massachusetts. It is now the Department of Children and Families or DCF. Is his son involved with DYS/the court?

He's staying with you? Why? Does the court know? Is his dad listed on a birth certificate?

I'd recommend meeting with a social worker/case worker (he may have been assigned one because of his CHINS/DYS involvement) and seeing what the process is. If your DH is not listed as a biological parent, he is under no legal obligation to help out. I would NOT have him stay with you without ensuring that it's OK with the court and/or his caseworker if he is committed to DYS or involved with DCF.

Yes I am in mass and we have had a DNA test. That was the first thing we did. He is just staying the night tomorrow, 1 night. My husband Is not listed in the birth certificate but we go to court in a couple weeks. He does have a chins order on him but I do not know how or where it came from. DYS ( sorry I called it DSS) is involved but I don't know why yet. Oh and we got a lawyer....

 

[Trish.Glenn]

sorry, forgot the rule.

What rule?

 

[AntePrincess]

OMG! Definitely get your legal ducks in a row. If you aren't careful, you could be charged with kidnapping even if your DH is listed as the biodad and even if the boy came of his own accord without consulting you first.

That said, how lucky is he that his Dad and his stepmom (is that the right term in this case?) are former foster parents? I may be stereotyping, but I'd guess you have some experience with taking in children under unusual circumstances.

Good luck and stay safe.

 

[Trish.Glenn]

First things first. I would get a DNA test done, just to be sure.

We did...I should have stated that in my op, lol. Big important fact to leave out....sorry

 

[Trish.Glenn]

This. Because even if he gets custody now, at 13, the mother still raised him, either on her own or with government assistance, to this point. There's going to be thousands of dollars of arrears involved.

Government assistance NOT on her own at all. We did speak to a lawyer but it is what it is.

 

[Trish.Glenn]

OMG! Definitely get your legal ducks in a row. If you aren't careful, you could be charged with kidnapping even if your DH is listed as the biodad and even if the boy came of his own accord without consulting you first.

That said, how lucky is he that his Dad and his stepmom (is that the right term in this case?) are former foster parents? I may be stereotyping, but I'd guess you have some experience with taking in children under unusual circumstances.

Good luck and stay safe.

Thanks but not for a few years. It got so hard when the kids left, really hard when they would go back to bad circumstances.

 

[Minerva Mouse]

What rule?

I wondered that too, I assume the quote the OP rule in case they change the original post.

OP, wow! This is the stuff movies are made of. It sounds like this young man has had a rough life, and that you may be the answer to his prayers. Everything happens for a reason right? Best Wishes!

 

[dansamy]

Government assistance NOT on her own at all. We did speak to a lawyer but it is what it is.

That almost makes it worse... I know in our area, when a bio father is located, the government files to recoup their costs of providing assistance.

 

[Bounce_Tigger]

Yes I am in mass and we have had a DNA test. That was the first thing we did. He is just staying the night tomorrow, 1 night. My husband Is not listed in the birth certificate but we go to court in a couple weeks. He does have a chins order on him but I do not know how or where it came from. DYS ( sorry I called it DSS) is involved but I don't know why yet. Oh and we got a lawyer....

Sounds like you're doing all the right things! The reason I mentioned letting the court know that he's staying is that if he's DYS involved, he may not be allowed to stay with you, or he may be using you as a reason to "run"/escape court hearings/etc. He also may not be very emotionally stable right now - if his CHINS is in part due to aggression/violence/theft, I'd hate for something to happen while he was with you. DYS "passes" to other places have to be approved. But if his caseworker knows, I'm sure it'll go well! He may be required to "check-in" with someone a few times.

When he showed up at your door step, do you know if he ran away from home/wherever he was placed? Who are you in contact with? As I said, a social worker will be able to answer specific questions to the youth and your situation.

Best of luck to all of you! I've worked with DYS committed youths as a clinician in a residential treatment facility (when youths are removed from their homes due to criminal charges) and it's tough on families! But a strong support system is the best way for kids to be successful. Just know that you have lots of people willing to help!

 

[DebbieB]

What rule?

The unwritten DIS rule that you should quote the post you are responding to.

 

[Trish.Glenn]

The unwritten DIS rule that you should quote the post you are responding to.

Lol oh I never new that...I usually do it but just so I stay on topic, lol!

 

[MeeskaMomma]

Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!

It looks like you guys are doing everything you can. My thoughts are with you and the boy during all of this. Maybe your family can provide him some stability.

 

[Happy 2 B Me]

Have you spoken directly to the boys Mom? You had a DNA test done ( I assume the result showed positive for your husband being the father). There is a reason that at this time your husband has been brought into the mix-- but why. I might be a bit uneasy having a stranger spend the night even being that he is a child. Did you make sure there are no mental issues, drug issues, behavior issues, the list goes on and on.

I would also like to take a moment and say that kids need parents to guide the way to becoming great adults.

I am sure this is hard on you and your daughter let alone your husband. This could end up being a great blessing for you all. I am wondering why a grandparent was not asked to help out since your husband was denied the fact he had a child and was not placed on the birth certificate. Funny to keep it a secret for 13 years. ( did the mom get threatened with losing state support unless she gave names of possible men she had been with),

GL

 

[Caropooh]

Quite the shock for all of you, no doubt! How did the boy find out your DH was his dad?
Sounds like you have done an awful lot of research, footwork, etc. in the short time you have known.