Getting dh to help around the house

[kelleigh1]

I guess I should consider myself lucky. Hubby never lifted a finger growing up. No chores at all. His mother did everything. (I'm pretty sure his father did nothing.) When we moved in together, I'd already been living alone for almost 10 years and I grew up in a house where we all learned to do everything. (Three girls and we did all the inside and outside chores.)

It hasn't been easy and I still do the majority of the work around the house (no yard work since we live in an apartment), but when we moved into the apartment we're in now, hubby really stepped up. I work 2 jobs. He temps part-time right now. I wash the dishes - he has to put them away. (I do often have to remind him.) He washes the laundry and I fold but we each put our own stuff away. We both take out the trash. As for general cleaning...yeah, that's mostly me. He doesn't think about dusting or vacuuming or anything like that, but if I bug him, he'll pick up a broom. If I sweep the floor, I ask him to get the dustpan to pick it up - and he does without hassle.

I'd love it if he did more, but I figure this is good for now - especially from someone who never did chores before. (Parents - PLEASE - do not do everything for your kids. Teach them some chores so they can be responsible adults.) I think the big turning point was when I kinda lost it and told him straight out that I just couldn't do it all by myself anymore, especially working 2 jobs. We both live in the house, so therefore we both need to be responsible for the chores of the house. I don't think he'll ever think to just clean up on his own, but at least when I ask, he'll usually help. (And if I leave him a list, he'll do it.)

 

[KAMLEM]

Why should the OP pay someone to clean or do yard work if her DH is sitting around watching TV all day? I would resent my DH so much if I were in this situation, it can't be good for your marriage. I don't know what the answer is, I hope things get better for you soon.

 

[kingcrab]

sounds like some folks are letting themselves get taken advantage of. Marriage is supposed to be 50/50, & a team effort.

For reference, at our house we commute together, 140 miles every day, have a 2.5+ year old daughter, and a live in babysitter who does not clean, do laundry or cook, childcare is her only responsibility.

When we get home at 5:30ish, I start cooking dinner right away, and we typically eat before 7:00. My wife does the dishes. Pretty fair trade off.

My wife does the laundry, and cleans the house. I take care of any maintenance(luckily its a new house so that consists of changing lightbulbs, air filters, etc).

I do all yard work(I cant imagine a man not enjoying doing yard work)

I Plan all the menus, & cook all meals, we do the grocery shopping together.

We share childcare duties at night and on weekends, although my wife handles all the baths, I am more the fun dad who plays, dresses her, etc.

IMHO, anyone who lets someone who is lazy take advantage of them needs to look in the mirror in adddition blaming the other person for taking advantage of them.

 

[Arielle22]

Dh and I have been married almost 24 yrs. We have had similar problems.

When we were first married we decided a dish washer would be a really good idea. This took care of the arguing about dishes.

We have worked a system where we each do 50% of the work. I cook so he cleans the pots and pans and each of us (along with dds) put their dishes in the dish washer. If we eat a big sit down at the table meal, the dds clean the serving dishes.

DD takes care of the lawn and home repair. He just installed a new door and will be painting soon. I could never do that work. While we all pick up after ourselves I handle the major in door cleaning. DH will move the frig and stove to clean behind them though.

Early in our marriage we did go to marriage counseling. The lack of help was a topic I brought up. What we were told is that we both need to make the divison of labor appropriate. It doesn't matter who does what as long as both contribute. The other thing the counselor said that has stuck with me over the years is this. If you have tried to change him and it doesn't work, it is up to you to decide the next step. Does it bother you enough to end your marriage over? For me, the answer was no.

OP, I will say that I always laid out dds clothes on weekends when I worked and he was home. There was no way in hell I would let me dress them because he is color blind! He could get the correct season of clothing but that was it.

To the PP who suggested withholding as a motivational tool; why stop the one thing that he may be doing right and deny yourself that pleasure as well? Like I tell DH, there is a reason I keep him around

 

[ols386]

I don't really think getting someone to come in and clean or come and take care of the yard work is going to help, unless someone comes in daily and cleans, because it sounds like he's leaving messes on a daily basis for the op to pick-up and clean.

If sounds like the op has tried everything she can possibly think of to resolve this situation, but the husband hasn't made any effort to change. If it were me, at this point in time (if it drove me crazy enough), I'd probably just tell him either he is going to have to pitch-in and help, or get out. I know that sounds drastic, but it doesn't sound to me like the op can continue with things being the way they are now, and have been for quite some time.

The husband is taking advantage of the op in a very big way, and that's just not right. Like I said, I wouldn't put up with it forever. JMHO

 

[RadioNate]

Why should the OP pay someone to clean or do yard work if her DH is sitting around watching TV all day? I would resent my DH so much if I were in this situation, it can't be good for your marriage. I don't know what the answer is, I hope things get better for you soon.

Why? Because the OP will burn herself out and be a bitter resentful nag. Trust me, I was one! He isn't going to change. At least not in the short term.

If she takes gets some help by hiring someone, the nagging and resentfulness may start to lessen. The chores will be done and she won't spend her time nagging him about it or feeling angry at him.

Right now, I agree that him not doing anything ISN'T good for the marriage. But neither is the nagging (deserved or not.)

They both need a break and hiring someone accomplishes that. Then maybe then can come together on a solution. Or keep the help and enjoy the time together! Nearly everyone I know with 2 working parents has some kind of help.

Or she can kick him to the curb. I'm of the "treat me like a single mom," "I might as well BE a single mom" camp. But I think the OP can lessen the load on herself first and see if that helps. Right now he is completely closed off to anything about "cleaning" she says. Maybe, if they are both removed from the situation a bit things can improve.

 

[KAMLEM]

If sounds like the op has tried everything she can possibly think of to resolve this situation, but the husband hasn't made any effort to change. If it were me, at this point in time (if it drove me crazy enough), I'd probably just tell him either he is going to have to pitch-in and help, or get out. I know that sounds drastic, but it doesn't sound to me like the op can continue with things being the way they are now, and have been for quite some time.

That does sound drastic, but I honestly think I'd feel the same way. I would resent my DH so much that it wouldn't be much of a marriage anyway.

 

[Aristomommy]

DH and I both work, although I work less hours. Rest of the time while he is at work I am responsible for homework with kids, running them to activities and dinner. So during the week there is very little time to clean and keep organized. I felt the same frustration that everything was on my shoulders and DH was somewhat oblivious to what neeeded to be done. Instead of nagging (which didn't work anyway) we decided to divide chores and I let him choose which ones he wanted. Surprisingly he chose some of the chores I despise like litter box, trash and dishes.

We also do a Saturday morning clean. Everyone including the kids will help out and we can usually get lots of done in a matter or 1-2 hours. Then we can relax the rest of the weekend unless there are other chores that need to be done. I found that when I let him choose, he took more ownership of those issues. Every once in a while I still need to hint that the cats are acting funny and maybe the little box needs cleaning, but for the most part it's working out.

 

[smfritz03]

Thanks for all the responses, let's see if I can nail most of them here:

I don't try to withhold, I do love having that time/closeness w/ my dh. It's just that some days I am just too exhausted to be in the mood. Told him it would be better if he would help.....that is a motivator for about 2 days and then he's back to channel surfing!

Dh has so much clothes I don't think he'd notice for a mth or more if I were to stop washing his stuff. I no longer wash his work uniform since he complained about it once--if he doesn't wash them, they don't get done. So now when he washes his uniform he'll throw in some of his other clothes---just to take them out of the dryer and either a)leave them in a pile somewhere or b) fold them and leave them where he has folded them.

I could hire someone to clean, I just don't see that as the answer, dh would just mess behind them after they left! Seriously, he wouldn't allow someone in our house when we weren't home (police officer in him coming out).

I agree, I do let him take advantage and I'm not the type who will sit and argue or pester him to do it. I prefer to ignore arguing and if I remind him 3 times, he either gets mad or shuts down. So I just end up doing it vs keeping onto him about it and then I avoid the confrontation.

What's sad is--this is about the only thing we argue about...this and sometimes the lack of the other. Other than that, we don't argue about much else...if this was fixed, I think we would have one awesome marriage with how compatiable we are on every other level. But until that point, parts of me think--how much more can I take, then the other voice says, you have a good man-why throw it away of cleaning?

And no-he wasn't raised that way. His mom kept a very orderly house, his sisters aren't that way and neither is his dad. But for awhile his mom DID do everything for his dad (until they were divorced)--now his dad does his share of everything for his new wife. Dh was married before--his last wife, he had to do all the cleaning, etc because if not--the house just didnt get done, kids didnt get bathed, etc. So maybe he is like his dad only in reverse? And no, not cleaning my house or bathing my kids so he will step up is NOT an option! LOL

 

[Pea-n-Me]

If he knows you're going to take care of *everything* all the time, what motivator is there for him to change?

Just askin.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This has absolutely become a power struggle between you and your DH. I am totally on board with the fact you need things picked up, but the only way things are going to change is that you have to employ some "tough love".

Stop nagging, stop talking about it. Stop doing anything for your DH. Especially anything to do with his truck, his laundry, anything that has to do with him directly.

If he makes a mess in the living room, and you have company coming, put the whole mess on his side of the bedroom. If he makes a mess throwing his clothes around, shove them over to his side also. If he can't wash his own dishes, shove them aside and buy some paper plates for you and the kids.

I guarantee if you are serious, and DON'T SAY ANYTHING, this will work. It may take a few weeks. BUT I REPEAT, this will work!

I've been there. He will never be perfect, but it will help him realize how much you do.

Yes it will drive you crazy. But just tell company that you are on strike, and change the subject and act like everything is normal.

After this experiment has run it's course, hire a cleaning lady, you need the help.

Love this! You go girl!

 

[englishteacha]

Maybe as a temporary "fix"...

Get a basket for each room. Anything that is out of place goes in the basket. When the family is looking for something, they should look in the basket. It doesn't matter what it is...papers, toys, socks, whatever.

 

[HM]

Dh has so much clothes I don't think he'd notice for a mth or more if I were to stop washing his stuff. I no longer wash his work uniform since he complained about it once--if he doesn't wash them, they don't get done. So now when he washes his uniform he'll throw in some of his other clothes---just to take them out of the dryer and either a)leave them in a pile somewhere or b) fold them and leave them where he has folded them.

Sounds like he has more than he needs or wears. Maybe it's time for a "spring cleaning" of the wardrobe. Surely he can go through and pull out things that don't fit or he never wears anymore to give to Good Will (or other charity) and will be a nice thing come tax time to add to your taxes.

My DH hated routing through things too...he gave up his dresser and it's now in our guest room, added shelves to his closet and puts all his jeans, shorts and polos on shelves, hangs up dress shirts and pants and puts undies and socks in baskets. He also goes through his clothes at least once a year an purges what is worn out or he no longer wears (the good ones go to goodwill).

And sounds like you guys need more communication about the house and what needs to be done. Here's another thought..... You should make up a list of daily, weekly, and monthly chores and have him look at it with you. He should choose the things that he feels like he can keep up with off each list to do. Then you should post the list somewhere in the house (near the exit door or somewhere that he goes past each day) so that he can see if he's done them yet or not (checks them off as he does them). Hopefully after a certain amount of time, he won't need a list anymore. (PS...keep a list for you too..and he can see how you are doing on yours).

 

[mtemm]

am wondering if he might have a possible solution himself? if you talked to him and told him honestly/calmly that this is NOT working for you and you really need something to change, then ask him what he thought would be a solution that would work for both of you.

am curious as to what he might come up with.

I guess my thought is intead of nagging or telling him what to do like you might with a child, have him come up with the solution like you would expect an adult to. sometimes I think people rebel when asked to do things, even if it is annoying and self centered. but when asked to figure out a solution, they often step up.

can't hurt to try, if you haven't already.

good luck!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Good luck. My husband is exactly the same way -- throws dirty clothes on the floor in front of the hamper, leaves hair shavings in the sink, throws bottles and cans in the kitchen sink instead of the recycling bucket, lets the dog sleep in his bed and doesn't wash the sheets for months at a time (I haven't slept in the bed in years). He is just a pig, plain and simple and he doesn't care. Doesn't matter how dirty things get, he WILL NOT clean. That's not fair, maybe three times a year, but that will be putting away his clothes, not actually vacuuming or cleaning anything. Now, his mother does his laundry for him. For this, and many, many other reasons, I've decided I'm done. BTW, I've been married almost 17 years, so nothing will ever change. I'm miserable and he's clueless (or he really just doesn't care). Either way, I won't spend the rest of my life this way. At some point I will leave, and he'll still be clueless and shocked that I've actually done it because, from his perspective, there's nothing wrong with our marriage.

 

[NHdisneylover]

And sounds like you guys need more communication about the house and what needs to be done. Here's another thought..... You should make up a list of daily, weekly, and monthly chores and have him look at it with you. He should choose the things that he feels like he can keep up with off each list to do. Then you should post the list somewhere in the house (near the exit door or somewhere that he goes past each day) so that he can see if he's done them yet or not (checks them off as he does them). Hopefully after a certain amount of time, he won't need a list anymore. (PS...keep a list for you too..and he can see how you are doing on yours).

I was thinking something along these lines as well. Maybe he really and truly is not sure where to even start or what all REALLY goes into keeping the house. Or, maybe he is doing more than YOU realize. OFTEN it seems neither person in a couple realizes EVERYTHING that goes into running a household with kids (cleaning, cooking, shopping, lawn maintnace, bill paying, minor home repairs, setting up doctor's appointments and the like for kids, buying gifts for extended family and on and on and on) and often each thinks the other is alcking when in reality they are both working hard. Or maybe he is just a jerk who doesn't care (but let's hope not, after all he is your DH and I assume you love him). If you two can sit down and calmly list out everything you think needs to be done and then you can work TOGETHER to agree on who does what I think that may go a long way toward solving the problem. There should be categories for things everyone (including the kids) does for themselvse always (putting own laundry in hampser, putting dishes in the dishwasher after eating, etc.), things the kids do for themselves (I don't know how old your children are but for example a child over age 3 should be able to dress herself and get her own bowl of cereal), and "chores" for everyone--kids and adults. You may also need to agree on somethings that it is okay to let go a bit.
Good luck comming to a solution that works for all of you.

 

[Fintastic]

I say start doing for yourself only! Do your own laundry, cook your own meals, clean up your own messes. If you can stand his mess until he figures out what you're doing!

 

[Wishing on a star]

If sounds like the op has tried everything she can possibly think of to resolve this situation, but the husband hasn't made any effort to change. If it were me, at this point in time (if it drove me crazy enough), I'd probably just tell him either he is going to have to pitch-in and help, or get out. I know that sounds drastic, but it doesn't sound to me like the op can continue with things being the way they are now, and have been for quite some time.

The husband is taking advantage of the op in a very big way, and that's just not right. Like I said, I wouldn't put up with it forever. JMHO

Personally, I have to say that I agree with this.
I simply could not say that I was in a good marriage if my husband were a lazy pig who considered me as the 'hired help'.

The OP states that this is the only thing wrong in her marriage.
And, I respect her trying to say that.
But, it just seems to me that there are some heavy issues.... communication, respect, being taken advantage of, passive aggessive behavior, etc...

One can only be taken advantage of if one allows it.
You can not change other's attitudes/behaviors, only YOUR reaction.


I don't buy the excuses...
There is no reason that a reasonable, intelligent, physically normal, human being can not function to take care of themselves and their messes. The very idea that one does not have to do this is clearly feeling 'entitled'. And it is very disrespectful to ones spouse.

My husband is one of those who's mom did EVERYTHiNG. Think Edith bringing sandwiches to Archie Bunker. That was what he knew... His mantra when he wanted to be lazy and passive-aggressive was either 'don't know how ta-do-it...' or 'eventually'.

When our son came along, I told him that those 'excuses' didn't cut it anymore.
Being a husband, father, man, are NOT spectator sports.
You can't function as a husband, or a father, or a man, if your butt never leaves the easy chair.

My DH still needs direction and prodding sometimes... but he has come a long way.

I can say that, if he hadn't, it would have had very very serious repercussions re: our marriage.
I don't think I could live like that.

 

[janey99]

OP - you said you think your DH has an issue with you making more money than he does. Is it possible he is refusing to be any kind of partner here because he's passive-aggressively exercising some resentments against you in the $salary$ area?

If this is a possibility, you may have a deeper issue to address, and once it is out in the open, he will be willing to become a more active participant in the upkeep of your home/property.

Good luck!

Jane

 

[Frantasmic]

A male perspective here.

Since this has been happening for 5 years, your husband knows you don't follow through with whatever your reaction is. He knows that you will temporarily be angry and then everything goes back to normal.

I've seen many threads where a small problem is imported into major problems in one's marriage and I don't really like those; however, for 5 years, the person who supposedly loves you knows that this bothers you, continues to bother you, and yet doesn't do anything more than a half-hearted attempt to change. Why? To me, that says something about a person, despite what you say about how well you are compatible in all other areas of your life.