Getting dh to help around the house

[smfritz03]

I am at my wits end with dh. We both work full time, plus I have a commute of an hour each way. We both work different shifts, me days and him 2nd shift.

Everyday I come home and have to reclean almost the same mess I did the day before, dh just can't clean up after himself, or if he attempts to clean that one day a month after he realizes how upset I am, he just halfway does it.

It is driving me crazy!!! He makes huge messes, example--dresser drawer-everything is folded-he will literally go through and toss it all out on the bed looking for one shirt, sometimes he'll stuff it back in the drawer and other times he'll just leave them out on the bed. If I say something about them being on the bed, he will then just toss them on top of the dresser.

He claims it's because he grew up in a house where the girls did the inside chores and he did the outside farming.........but that brings me to the next bit--he doesn't take care of the outside!! I literally mow the grass, weed the flower areas, weed eat, keep both vehicles washed and cleaned (he will toss trash around his truck), I do the cooking and cleaning inside, take care of the kids--even to the point where I leave out their school clothes because he will just expect them to put on whatever they find and not really pay attention, and pay the bills, etc. I really don't know what he contributes...

I know I can be a cleanaholic at times, but I really don't expect him to clean to my standards, just to keep his messes picked up, do his lunch dishes and throw his dirty laundry in the hamper.

Here's things I've tried:

I've put my foot down and refused to do things.....only to the point of him never doing them anyway and just having 3-4 times the mess as it orignally was.

I've left lists for him to do.

I've had the "talk" with him. Let him know how much of a strain this is on me, and us. He claims to get it---just doesn't change for very long. Maybe 3 days tops.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to have my entire evenings spent cleaning up everyones messes (and not doing it isn't an option because I refuse to have my kids raised in a messy home and they do keep up after theirselves for the most part).

So I'm at a loss, and up for any suggestions because this is really putting a strain on me. I feel like I'm losing more and more of the person I used to be--and becoming more and more like someone who just goes to work and comes home and does chores and then heads to bed to redo it all the next day . I can't quit my job since we need both incomes and I can't go part time because this is my career and they don't offer part time hours. So anyway, I am up for anything before I lose my sanity!!!

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

...

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I am at my wits end with dh. We both work full time, plus I have a commute of an hour each way. We both work different shifts, me days and him 2nd shift.

Everyday I come home and have to reclean almost the same mess I did the day before, dh just can't clean up after himself, or if he attempts to clean that one day a month after he realizes how upset I am, he just halfway does it.

It is driving me crazy!!! He makes huge messes, example--dresser drawer-everything is folded-he will literally go through and toss it all out on the bed looking for one shirt, sometimes he'll stuff it back in the drawer and other times he'll just leave them out on the bed. If I say something about them being on the bed, he will then just toss them on top of the dresser.

He claims it's because he grew up in a house where the girls did the inside chores and he did the outside farming.........but that brings me to the next bit--he doesn't take care of the outside!! I literally mow the grass, weed the flower areas, weed eat, keep both vehicles washed and cleaned (he will toss trash around his truck), I do the cooking and cleaning inside, take care of the kids--even to the point where I leave out their school clothes because he will just expect them to put on whatever they find and not really pay attention, and pay the bills, etc. I really don't know what he contributes...

I know I can be a cleanaholic at times, but I really don't expect him to clean to my standards, just to keep his messes picked up, do his lunch dishes and throw his dirty laundry in the hamper.

Here's things I've tried:

I've put my foot down and refused to do things.....only to the point of him never doing them anyway and just having 3-4 times the mess as it orignally was.

I've left lists for him to do.

I've had the "talk" with him. Let him know how much of a strain this is on me, and us. He claims to get it---just doesn't change for very long. Maybe 3 days tops.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to have my entire evenings spent cleaning up everyones messes (and not doing it isn't an option because I refuse to have my kids raised in a messy home and they do keep up after theirselves for the most part).

So I'm at a loss, and up for any suggestions because this is really putting a strain on me. I feel like I'm losing more and more of the person I used to be--and becoming more and more like someone who just goes to work and comes home and does chores and then heads to bed to redo it all the next day . I can't quit my job since we need both incomes and I can't go part time because this is my career and they don't offer part time hours. So anyway, I am up for anything before I lose my sanity!!!

We my DH isn't quite as bad as yours but it takes an act of congress to get him to help out. He doesn't really make huge messes but he just won't help with the day to day stuff. He's ok if it's out in his workshop or a project he wants done but anything else... forget it. I've been after him to spray the weeds around the house for going on a month now. I usually had sprayed every other weekend to keep them down. I asked him last month if he could please help out. I do the lawn mowing and DS picks up the grass and does the triming around the yard. If I bring up how he doesn't help out it's a major fight. If he does 1 load of dishes in the dishwasher or cooks dinner and I don't make a big (positive) fuss over it he gets ticked off. HELLO - I do this EVERY DAY with no recognition! I finally hired a cleaning lady several years ago because I couldn't keep up with everything. Once in a while he complains about her cleaning skills or the money I pay her. I told him that unless he wants to do it every week he better not bring it up!

I'd love to hear a suggestion on how to get him to help out. It's driving me nuts too!

 

[smfritz03]

I'm just totally clueless! He sure didn't grow up lazy, he actually worked extremely hard from the time he was a kid and up. I know I did everything for the house when I was going to school f/t and didn't work, don't know if the thought that was to carry over once I went back into the workforce or what....but it's been 5 years and he admits he's not doing his share........just getting him motivated is impossible unless I get mad and I am just not a fighter!

 

[okeydokey]

How frugal is he? Maybe suggest hiring a cleaning person to do the inside and a lawn person to take care of the outside. He could pitch in or spend a few hundred a month so you both can take it easy.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

We don't fight very often, but I'd had it with him a few months ago and asked him to step up and do his share. I work 50+ hours a week, make all the meals, do all the yard work and laundry. ( I also make 2X the money he does which I think is sore spot for him). He works 40 hours and spend the rest of his time either on the couch, in his workshop, or volunteering as a sheriff reserve. Well it worked for about a week... then back to me doing everything. Well I should say me and our DS's. He's really good at deligating things I want him to do, off on the kids.

 

[Christine]

I'm just totally clueless! He sure didn't grow up lazy, he actually worked extremely hard from the time he was a kid and up. I know I did everything for the house when I was going to school f/t and didn't work, don't know if the thought that was to carry over once I went back into the workforce or what....but it's been 5 years and he admits he's not doing his share........just getting him motivated is impossible unless I get mad and I am just not a fighter!

Getting into these habits is a real problem in marriages, I believe. When my DH and I first got married, I did not work so, naturally, I did all the stuff around the house while he worked. When I finally did get a job, it was just "accepted" at that point (unconsciously by both of us) that I was still doing the housework.

It has been REALLY, REALLY hard to break out of that mold and, even 20+ years later, I still feel I do more of the work (but he will argue that point with you!)

As for you case, you do WAY too much.

My best friend is this way. She is quite the whirling dervish around the house because she has a certain standard of cleanliness and orderliness that she requires. Quite honestly, I think that level is hard for most normal people to achieve. She admits she is a nut about it and does not expect her family to live up to her level.

For her, all three of their cars must be washed and cleaned weekly and the house is cleaned spotlessly each week. She also cuts the grass because her husband can no longer do it. But, he does cook.

My point is that sometimes if you are a control freak around the house and you are the one that sets the rules, you can kind of sap the life out of the others around you. You unconsciously take on this "mother" role and, depending on the other partner's personality, they adopt a child role. I know that when I get around my friend, say, after a party and she goes into her mode, I just kind of lose my energy. I think she realizes that she has that effect on her family. It's just tiring.

I have no suggestions for you but there is a reason that he just doesn't help out and he may not even be aware of it.

As for the drawers, I can relate. I find it absolutely 100% TEDIOUS to neatly fold close and arrange them in my drawer and then have to spend the time to keep them that way when I have to look for something. I"d never get out of the house.

 

[smfritz03]

LOL--I am not too obsessive, but I just can't stand seeing dirty socks on my living room floor, or his work uniform thrown on the side of the couch! We have a bedroom--there is a trunk there, at least toss it there! Or papertowels, instead of tossing them on the counter next to the trash--try dropping them about a foot over into the trash can!

I can totally buy into the parent/child thing. But I am not sure if this is the case here or if he is just more selfish and would rather just sit around and watch tv and play video games than help out. He sure can get done the things HE wants to do, but when it comes to anything else........forget it!

The kids will tell me, he sits all day till 30 min before you get home and then has us start cleaning and he will do something but then the rest of the time he just is in his own zone.

He has the time, he claims to be busy during that whole time (like takes 3 hrs to get a child dressed and fix a bowl of cereal). Not sure if he has a time managment issue or just doesn't care (understand) the stress load he is pushing onto me.

 

[Iott Family]

Well, I agree with the pp's who suggested hiring a cleaning lady. And If I were you I would quit doing his laundry and picking up after him. Pick up after yourself and the children but just leave his "stuff" as he does. When he cant find anything and doesnt have anything clean to wear he might just get it or not!

But either way, get yourself a cleaning lady to come in weekly to do the heavy duty stuff so that all you do is the everyday hot spot cleaning.

 

[mickeyboat]

I don't think a cleaning person would help. The house needs to be straightened before she comes, and that's exactly what the OP is complaining about.

I am a lot like you - I want the house to be clean and picked up all the time. People stop by unannounced quite often, and I want the place to be presentable.

No one else really feels the same way I do and I end up nagging everyone all the time, or just picking things up myself and then getting all resentful about it.

Early in our marriage we fought about it all the time, and I would get really upset.

I have figured out something that works for me now. It has taken about 15 years. We both work full time and have 2 DDs 8 & 9.

DH has developed a love for cooking - and he's pretty good at it too. I have strongly encouraged him to cook, we watch a lot of Food Network and he cooks almost every meal, now. He has started helping to plan and shop, too. All of that is a huge load off, and when he cooks it gives me time to unload the dishwasher, move the laundry through, take care of the kids' school stuff and pick up the house in the evenings.

I have also "given up" on the bedrooms and playrooms. That's not to say they are a pig stye, but I don't expect them to be spotless. The bedrooms are upstairs, and people rarely go up there. When the kids want to have a friend over, they know that their rooms and the playroom need to be cleaned, and they get to work. When kids leave crap all over, I just toss it in the playroom.

So my advice would be to find something that is helpful that your DH might enjoy doing, or at least assign him one duty that is his responsibility. Encourage your entire family to help with the chores. And let some things slide that aren't all that important. It will save your sanity.

Denae

 

[Piecey]

My DH isn't as bad as yours... but we had it out over stuff like this when I was 8months pregnant and I couldn't take it anymore.

I told him if he didn't get better, I was giving him a bill for all the time I spent cleaning up his share of stuff. My hourly wage would be double what I make at work, since I hadn't signed up for that job.

He got a little bit better... but I'd do what a PP said-- hire a maid! And give him the bill.

 

[yoopermom]

I don't know if you have a "spare" room in your house or not, but what I used to do was literally open the door and *pitch* anything that was his or that he had left out of place into "his" room (aka "the man cave). We still slept together in the master bedroom, but I even moved his dressers in there so I didn't have to see the mess. My DH is rather passive aggressive, and I do think this saved our marriage. And, as everyone else has suggested, put a timeframe on something getting done and, if he doesn't help out or do it by then, hire it out.

Hang in there, you're not alone

Terri

 

[laurafergie]

Well, I agree with the pp's who suggested hiring a cleaning lady. And If I were you I would quit doing his laundry and picking up after him. Pick up after yourself and the children but just leave his "stuff" as he does. When he cant find anything and doesnt have anything clean to wear he might just get it or not!

But either way, get yourself a cleaning lady to come in weekly to do the heavy duty stuff so that all you do is the everyday hot spot cleaning.

I agree with this poster.

This has absolutely become a power struggle between you and your DH. I am totally on board with the fact you need things picked up, but the only way things are going to change is that you have to employ some "tough love".

Stop nagging, stop talking about it. Stop doing anything for your DH. Especially anything to do with his truck, his laundry, anything that has to do with him directly.

If he makes a mess in the living room, and you have company coming, put the whole mess on his side of the bedroom. If he makes a mess throwing his clothes around, shove them over to his side also. If he can't wash his own dishes, shove them aside and buy some paper plates for you and the kids.

I guarantee if you are serious, and DON'T SAY ANYTHING, this will work. It may take a few weeks. BUT I REPEAT, this will work!

I've been there. He will never be perfect, but it will help him realize how much you do.

Yes it will drive you crazy. But just tell company that you are on strike, and change the subject and act like everything is normal.

After this experiment has run it's course, hire a cleaning lady, you need the help.

 

[kellyg403]

Early on, my dh was as almost as bad. We were a blended family with all the kids living with us..9 total at one time. Along with a full time job and all their activities etc it was hard, hard to keep ahead of things. I got to the point I was talked out. He WOULD do the dishes if I cooked and I WAS grateful for that but geez there is more to it than that.

So one day I woke up and said 'dh, will you mow/weed whack today? I need to get the flower beds going' "Sure..sure' he says. Next day I wake up, no mowing and no weed wacking done. I hired someone that day and on day three he came and did it along with cutting back some trees etc. DH came home and acted like it was the next thing on his list. Well needless to say the only thing I said to him was that I will ask him for his help once and I will give him two days to do whatever he agrees to do. On day three I will hire someone to do it. 11 years later it is getting better. He knows he literally has three days. Once I hired the next door neighbor kid to do a whole bunch of outside work during the summer. Our kids are with other parents for most of the summer so it has to get done somehow. It helps that my dh is kinda frugal for lack of a better word with his cash flow. Probably stingy is closer to the truth.

Honestly, with not fighting or raised voice I would simply ask for him to do such and such. If it doesn't get done, take care of it by hiring someone to do it. Eventually he will get it that you lose more money by being lazy.

Kelly

 

[Maryr1]

First hire a housekeeper. Set aside time the day before the housekeeper works. I usually set aside 1-2 hours. I make sure it is a time frame we are both home. We have a quick dinner and then we pick up, put away etc. so the housekeeper can clean. No excuses. No one turns on the TV, goes out, etc. until the work is done....... For the outside stuff-hire a neighborhood kid. Two or three hours/week-whatever you feel it needs to be. My husband gets annoyed because he says "Why should we hire someone to do things we can do?' I just laugh and say "because YOU don't do them and the ROYAL WE (me) isn't doing them. I do enough. As soon as you start doing stuff, I'll fire them. Feel free to start any time. When he complaines about the money I repeat=Feel free to start any time...... Not a perfect solution, but it worked and were married over 25 years. Probably why we made it this far.......

 

[rie'smom]

Either hire a housekeeper or don't clean his messes. Don't give up and eventually he'll clean. Another option, keep zero food in the house, not even milk. Tell him it's fast food until he starts picking up after himself. Oh and don't do his laundry either.

 

[HM]

The one thing that shot out at me was the clothes mess.....
If he's having trouble finding clothing in drawers, it may be time to look at other options for storage. Can you hang up all his clothes in the closet? Much easier to see what you want that way. If not, you should start looking for some open shelving for your room. Stack his clothing on the open shelves and he can see a portion of each shirt, pants, etc....and only pull that one out.

 

[luckymom4]

Oooohh, this was sore subject for me in my first marriage! My hubby was the type who started taking clothes off when he walked in the door and left them where they fell. Wouldn't even wipe his boots before he walked in! Begging, pleading, threatening, cajoling, nothing worked. He was what he was and wasn't about to change for anyone. When I put my foot down and stopped cleaning up after him, he wore dirty clothes. Needless to say it didn't end well. But my new DH is a HUGE help around the house. His Mom raised him to do his fair share, and he really goes above and beyond. I work full time and go to school, and I brought kids into the marriage. He helps with the kids, cooks, cleans, and works a full time job. So I think a lot of how men AND women keep house is how they are raised. I'm sure an understanding hubby can learn to help out more around the house. I just don't know how to make one do it.

 

[RadioNate]

hire someone ... period.

In fact that is what I did and I was a pregnant stay at home mom when I did it! Granted we were trying to sell the house then and it needed to look like a showroom but I needed help and if DH wasn't going to do it that I hired someone who would. I also hired lawn care.

Both were a very small price to pay to save my sanity and keep things peaceful between DH and I.

Even now, I have a few "helpers" on my roster. The little girl next door scoops the litter box daily for $5 a week. DS gets extra money for non-regular chores. For example he'll get extra for cleaning his 18 month old sisters room. Takes him less than 30 min to do a passible job.

We still have a lawn service.

The way I see it is that your DH isn't going to start helping any time soon. The choices you have are to continue to live with it, hire help or dump him (and then you are still stuck doing everything.)

 

[Praying Colonel]

Unfortunately, I think this is an example of where the old cliche about marriage (the first part, at least) comes into play:

"Women marry men hoping they'll change and they don't. Men marry women hoping they won't change and they do."



My guess is he was like this before marriage, and he's just not going to change. OP will have to find a way to cope with it or it will begin to poison the marriage. Housekeeper sounds like the option most likely to work, IMHO.