Friend's DH with mental health issues

[FergieTCat]

I just spent the weekend with a friend who thinks her husband is bipolar. She said he's either depressed or manic. I think this post is interesting because her husband was what I consider to be verbally abusive to my friend. I guess that's a symptom (?)

And no, he won't seek help. It's not "manly".

 

[goodstarr]

Please forgive me. I didn't mean to offend anyone who has this medical condition. I felt that if i talked about his behavior, people would want to know why he acts that way, so I said it up front. And it's only when he goes off his meds, which he does quite often.

It's not so much that I don't want to tell Dd about his condition, it's explaining why I am concerned about her being aroound him when he is off his meds. Telling her that he threatened suicide, or that he held a gun to my friend's head, I feel, would just make her feel so uncomfortable around her friend, and mine. And if we were all together, I could just see her thinking about those types of things the entire time.

Trust me, if I just said "Mr. John has a medical condition that makes him act in an inappropriate way sometimes" would not be enough info for her. She'd want specifics, and then I'd feel obligated to tell her why I'm so scared.

And for the record, I've known that he's had a problem for sometime now, but not until recently (when he went off his meds and was committed) have I become concerned about being around him. So it's not his diagnosis, it's his behavior that worries me.

 

[handinpocket]

I had lots to say but decided less is more and deleted it.

OP, you are 100% right. Stand your ground.

Me too. I wouldn't let my kid hang out with a severly mentally ill person anymore than I would a drug addict. Sometimes, judgement is a GOOD thing, we need it to protect our kids, use it. Hugs to you OP, and that is all I'm going to say on the subject.

 

[goodstarr]

To the OP I think since your daughter is 13 she might be at the best age to try and explain to her what is going with her friend's dad. Maybe keep tabs of your daughter's visit at their home through your friend. Is the dad usually home when your daughter is there?

The dad is usually home at most times because he is unemployed at the time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Please forgive me. I didn't mean to offend anyone who has this medical condition. I felt that if i talked about his behavior, people would want to know why he acts that way, so I said it up front. And it's only when he goes off his meds, which he does quite often.

It's not so much that I don't want to tell Dd about his condition, it's explaining why I am concerned about her being aroound him when he is off his meds. Telling her that he threatened suicide, or that he held a gun to my friend's head, I feel, would just make her feel so uncomfortable around her friend, and mine. And if we were all together, I could just see her thinking about those types of things the entire time.

Trust me, if I just said "Mr. John has a medical condition that makes him act in an inappropriate way sometimes" would not be enough info for her. She'd want specifics, and then I'd feel obligated to tell her why I'm so scared.

And for the record, I've known that he's had a problem for sometime now, but not until recently (when he went off his meds and was committed) have I become concerned about being around him. So it's not his diagnosis, it's his behavior that worries me.

So you are saying that he was holding a gun to his wife's head recently? And he was recently threatening suicide?

Just because your dd wants every detail does not mean you have to say it, you are under no obligation to reveal the sorted details. I would however educate her on mental illness. My dd is 13 and could probably rattle off most psychological disorders and their treatment.

Anxiety and mental illness are in our families, so she knows about them.

 

[JessicaR]

You are the one that has insight to the situation. Not us. If you are uncomfortable as a mother to allow your child in their house, thats it, end of story. Trust your instincts.

As others have suggested, I would discuss this with your daughter rather than leave her in the dark. She can handle it.

 

[Robinrs]

You are the one that has insight to the situation. Not us. If you are uncomfortable as a mother to allow your child in their house, thats it, end of story. Trust your instincts.

As others have suggested, I would discuss this with your daughter rather than leave her in the dark. She can handle it.

I agree.

My son's father is bipolar and has a serious history of irratic behavior and violence. He's even beaten up his very beloved mother. I never let my child go over unsupervised and he's 17 and twice his size. If he hurts him it's MY problem, and I'd be the one to blame.

Note, I've seen up close and personal how horrendous this man can act so I make no excuses or give no explanations as to why I don't allow him to go over to his house. Visiting a friend's house is NOT an absolute right, it's your choice for your child.

 

[handinpocket]

I agree.

My son's father is bipolar and has a serious history of irratic behavior and violence. He's even beaten up his very beloved mother. I never let my child go over unsupervised and he's 17 and twice his size. If he hurts him it's MY problem, and I'd be the one to blame.

Note, I've seen up close and personal how horrendous this man can act so I make no excuses or give no explanations as to why I don't allow him to go over to his house. Visiting a friend's house is NOT an absolute right, it's your choice for your child.

 

[Disney Doll]

The bipolar part isn't the problem in this case. The problem is a man who is bipolar, doesn't take his medication so that his behavior becomes erratic and threatening.

All of you who are bipolar, taking your meds as directed and are lovely stable people, please reread the original post and stop getting offended. The OP isn't talking about you if you are taking your meds and not behaving in an erratic or threatening manner.

OP, you are absolutely right. If you feel your DD could be in danger at these people's house, then you need to protect her. If your DD is as well-versed in mental illness as you say she is then a simple "Mr.Jones doesn't always take his medicine, which impacts how he behaves and I don't want you exposed to that" should be enough. Go on to say that you are more than happy to have Susie Jones at your house anytime, you love her dearly, she is a sweet wonderful girl etc. What to say to your friend? Very simple..."Mary, I get concerned when Bill doesn't take his medicine how his behavior escalates and I don't want my DD exposed to it. I am happy to have your Susie here any time".

Yes, you want to be supportive to your friend, yes you want to be understanding of her DH's situation and illness, yes you want to try and be as non-judgemental as possible, but your first priority is the safety of your child.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I just spent the weekend with a friend who thinks her husband is bipolar.

And no, he won't seek help. It's not "manly".

Is your dear friend and my dear friend related?? Or at least their husbands? It is absolutely gutwrenching to have to watch someone go through this.

It's not so much that I don't want to tell Dd about his condition, it's explaining why I am concerned about her being aroound him when he is off his meds. Telling her that he threatened suicide, or that he held a gun to my friend's head, I feel, would just make her feel so uncomfortable around her friend, and mine.

You could talk to her about his diagnosis without revealing some of the things he has done while off of his meds. Let her know what it is, what causes it, and what the treatments are. You could also talk about side effects of the condition and/or some of the known behaviors when patients go off their meds. Pick and choose what you reveal as far as the side effects. Let her know that if she ever feels threatened she should leave, no questions asked. You care about her and her friend and want to see them in the safest, healthiest environment possible. There's nothing wrong with that.

Let her know that you think she is old enough to know what is going on. I really think you should talk to the wife though - involve her by letting her know that you intend to talk to your daughter and if there are certain things that she thinks should be passed on. If you guys do this the well, you could open up a whole new line of communication between both families. It's a sticky situation, no doubt. It will have to be the right moment to open up the lines of communication. I have to believe that if you are all open about the situation that this will work out okay.

Maybe make a rule that your DD can go to her friend's house, but if dad has been stressed, or angry, or having outbursts that you agree they stay around you, at home. Maybe even try having a dinner date with the whole family together - then you could keep an eye. Maybe once every few months??

One of my dear friends is going through a similar situation. For example, her kids spent 1/2 the day at my house today. They are working things out - he has finally conceeded to looking into help. I'm not holding my breath that things will completely turn around, but I'm hoping against hope things become tolerable.

 

[goodstarr]

Thanks everyone (and DisneyDoll for explaining what I actually meant)

I'm going to talk with my friend first, then speak with DD. We'll see how it goes from there.

UGH

 

[abdmom]

Telling her that he threatened suicide, or that he held a gun to my friend's head, I feel, would just make her feel so uncomfortable around her friend, and mine. And if we were all together, I could just see her thinking about those types of things the entire time.

Trust me, if I just said "Mr. John has a medical condition that makes him act in an inappropriate way sometimes" would not be enough info for her. She'd want specifics, and then I'd feel obligated to tell her why I'm so scared.

And for the record, I've known that he's had a problem for sometime now, but not until recently (when he went off his meds and was committed) have I become concerned about being around him. So it's not his diagnosis, it's his behavior that worries me.

This alone would keep any child of mine away from this man.

Others have said mental health is different from medical or physical health. It's not. The brain is an organ, just like the kidney, the liver or the heart. Disorders of any of those organs can cause changes in behaviour, judgement etc. The only difference is that disorders of the brain will most often manifest as changes in behaviour, judgement etc.

I wouldn't judge this man adversely because of his "mental health issues". I would judge him because he has held a gun to someone's head.