Friend's DH with mental health issues

[goodstarr]

My best friend's husband is bipolar and/or manic depressive. Sometimes he takes his meds, sometimes not. When he is off his meds, he is verbally abusive and has hinted at suicide (meaning he placed a step stool under the hanging garage door chain). She has him committed once, he took his meds, got therapy and she allowed him to come home.

Problem is that our DDs are best friends, and I'm scared to allow DD to go to their house. Because he can be unstable, I'm afraid of what might happen while she is there. I have no problem allowing her daughter in my house, but if i keep refusing to allow her to go over there, it might start to look a little obvious.

I haven't told DD about his illness yet. Mainly because I don't want to scare her and also because I don't really know how much to divulge.

I don't want to say this to my friend, for fear of offending her. (Although she might feel comfortable with him in the house, I don't and I think she may feel that I don't trust her judgment.) Her own daughter has asked that he not drive her around because of his dangerous driving habits.

Any advice on how to handle this delicate situation?

ETA: Both girls are 13

 

[MizTink]

just keep doing what you are doing. have dd's friend over to your house as much as possible.
how old are the girls?
i think you are probably going to have to speak up to both your daughter and to your friend. and i'll bet neither one will be surprised. just chose your words wisely.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How old is your dd?

 

[MizTink]

i've always been really open with my kids. i had to tell my dd that she can't go to her friend's house. ever. she might not like it, but she gets it. at least she knows i have a valid reason. i know the girl and her mom know how i feel even though we've never discussed it. i would be uncomfortable if i had to speak up to the mom, but i guess i would have no choice if she confronted me. and i doubt she ever will. she knows what is wrong in her house, she lives there.

 

[goodstarr]

Both girls are 13.

 

[jsmith]

if they are both 13-you are a bit naive if you think she doesnt already know something is wrong with her friends dad-kids are perseptive-they "get" much more than we think they do-be straight up with her and explain your reasoning.

 

[Pakey]

Since bi-polar/manic depressive is a medical condition rather than a mental health condition, why would you not want to tell your daughter about it?

 

[dakcp2001]

Keep them hanging out at your house. I would keep my eye on them.

Plus, I imagine your dd best friend might need the escape once and a while. If she has been dealing with his ups & downs, your home might be a nice place to go enjoy herself without having to be on edge and embarrased about what her dad is doing.

 

[MoniqueU]

She is 13 and I am sure his illness is not running rampant 24/7. I would tell your daughter about it and just tell her if anything seems "off" to call you to come home. I would also discuss it with the mom and let her know you support and respect her evaluation of things and tell her you will call and ask ahead of time if it is a good day or not to have your DD come over.

I don't share it often gut I am bipolar and so is my best friend. I ALWAYS take my meds, never miss an appointment and my kids all know about it. I had a real tough time last summer where I was into my drs as much as 2 times a week and nothing worked. That went real bad but I and my husband knew it wasn't a good time to have the kids friends over.

My best friend often goes off her meds or misses appts. I would never ever not trust her with my kids in any situation.

Just because someone is bipolar and has acted one way in the past doesn't mean they act that way 24/7. Too much stigma is attached to that diagnosis from people that don't even begin to comprehend the situation.

I think you need to talk to the mom and keep an open mind. JMHO

 

[MizTink]

13 is definitely more than old enough to know your reasoning. i was referring to my dd in a previous post, but she was much younger. like around 8 or 9. and even younger would be ok too, if needed.

i believe that you really can't go wrong as long as you are being honest. bad parents, bad people, mental illness, abuse, drugs/alcohol, etc are all a very real part of life. we can't hide our kids from reality. if none of those things are a part of your child's life, that is wonderful. but they WILL encounter them soon enough. and we (parents) better be ready to educate our kids in how to deal with such situations.

talk to your daughter. i would be shocked if she doesn't tell you even more than you already know about her friend's dad and some of the things that happen in her home. she will most likely understand you feelings too.

however, him having personal/mental issues is not a reason in itself to keep your dd away. but since his wife is your friend, i guess you probably have a pretty good idea of whether he's stable or not....

good luck

 

[MizTink]

She is 13 and I am sure his illness is not running rampant 24/7. I would tell your daughter about it and just tell her if anything seems "off" to call you to come home. I would also discuss it with the mom and let her know you support and respect her evaluation of things and tell her you will call and ask ahead of time if it is a good day or not to have your DD come over.

I don't share it often gut I am bipolar and so is my best friend. I ALWAYS take my meds, never miss an appointment and my kids all know about it. I had a real tough time last summer where I was into my drs as much as 2 times a week and nothing worked. That went real bad but I and my husband knew it wasn't a good time to have the kids friends over.

My best friend often goes off her meds or misses appts. I would never ever not trust her with my kids in any situation.

Just because someone is bipolar and has acted one way in the past doesn't mean they act that way 24/7. Too much stigma is attached to that diagnosis from people that don't even begin to comprehend the situation.

I think you need to talk to the mom and keep an open mind. JMHO

well said!

 

[MoniqueU]

I have a feeling this thread is going to really tick me off and offend me. I have tons of kids over to my house and am always nice to them and they return again. My DD says her friends think I am the coolest around!! We have all sorts of fun and about the worst thing I do is sit on my butt to long in front of the computer. Sometimes I lose my temper with my own kids but it is over stuff that I SHOULD be upset about. Not every bipolar person needs to be avoided at all costs and a blanket banning of going over to someones house because of it is beyond me?? I am sure just a few of my kids friends know I am but the majority don't because I am not strange or running a weird household. Leave it up to your DD's friends mom to let you know how things are going.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I had lots to say but decided less is more and deleted it.

OP, you are 100% right. Stand your ground.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, I have to ask before I make a suggestion, how often do you go over there and interact with her DH?

 

[npmommie]

She is 13 and I am sure his illness is not running rampant 24/7. I would tell your daughter about it and just tell her if anything seems "off" to call you to come home. I would also discuss it with the mom and let her know you support and respect her evaluation of things and tell her you will call and ask ahead of time if it is a good day or not to have your DD come over.

I don't share it often gut I am bipolar and so is my best friend. I ALWAYS take my meds, never miss an appointment and my kids all know about it. I had a real tough time last summer where I was into my drs as much as 2 times a week and nothing worked. That went real bad but I and my husband knew it wasn't a good time to have the kids friends over.

My best friend often goes off her meds or misses appts. I would never ever not trust her with my kids in any situation.

Just because someone is bipolar and has acted one way in the past doesn't mean they act that way 24/7. Too much stigma is attached to that diagnosis from people that don't even begin to comprehend the situation.

I think you need to talk to the mom and keep an open mind. JMHO

I think this is worth repeating.
well said

 

[MizTink]

just want to add that dd14's best friend is bipolar and so is his mom. she goes to their house often and there has never been a problem.
i think you know what goes on in that house since his wife is your best friend. you know whether your dd is safe there or not. regardless of whether or not anyone in that house has bipolar disorder or not.
just don't shun him only because of a "diagnosis"........

 

[browneyes106]

I have a feeling this thread is going to really tick me off and offend me. I have tons of kids over to my house and am always nice to them and they return again. My DD says her friends think I am the coolest around!! We have all sorts of fun and about the worst thing I do is sit on my butt to long in front of the computer. Sometimes I lose my temper with my own kids but it is over stuff that I SHOULD be upset about. Not every bipolar person needs to be avoided at all costs and a blanket banning of going over to someones house because of it is beyond me?? I am sure just a few of my kids friends know I am but the majority don't because I am not strange or running a weird household. Leave it up to your DD's friends mom to let you know how things are going.

just want to add that dd14's best friend is bipolar and so is his mom. she goes to their house often and there has never been a problem.
i think you know what goes on in that house since his wife is your best friend. you know whether your dd is safe there or not. regardless of whether or not anyone in that house has bipolar disorder or not.
just don't shun him only because of a "diagnosis"........

There are different forms of bipolar disorder. I have a milder form that involves depression more than hypomania. There are some people whose forms of bp are very severe that they aren't the best people to around sometimes.

To the OP I think since your daughter is 13 she might be at the best age to try and explain to her what is going with her friend's dad. Maybe keep tabs of your daughter's visit at their home through your friend. Is the dad usually home when your daughter is there?

 

[minkydog]

Since bi-polar/manic depressive is a medical condition rather than a mental health condition, why would you not want to tell your daughter about it?

I agree. It's no different from being diabetic or having high blood pressure. However,I would be more concerned about this man's erratic behavior than his mental illness. Bipolar can be managed and most people who have it are not raving maniacs (I have bipolar disorder and I think I'm a pretty nice, fun-loving friend, as long as I stay on my meds.) The thing is, this man is not taking his meds and as a result engages in negative and inappropriate behavior. I would not allow my child to go over there for THAT reason, not because he has a mental illness. If he were diabetic and not taking his insulin, I wouldn't let her be in his care either, for fear that he would become incapacitated.

 

[pilotwife_02]

I, admittedly, don't know much about bipolar disorder, but I think anyone who is verbally abusive and hints at suicide is unstable. They key word here are "verbally abusive".

Forget the bipolar part for a second, would ANYONE want their child around someone who is abusive? I'm know the OP said he's only like that when he doesn't take his medicine, but the verbally abusive part is what sticks out to me.

I agree that part of it may be from being bipolar (again, not knowing much about it, I can't say for sure if that's from being bipolar or it just aggravates his abusive behavior), but I still don't think I'd want me child around that.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining my thoughts well, I'd agree if he was being treated and kept up with his meds I'd have no problem with sending my children over there, I just don't like that his verbally abusive side and suicidal threats are dismissed because of being bipolar and people are trying to say it's ok to potentially send a child into that situation.

 

[minkydog]

I, admittedly, don't know much about bipolar disorder, but I think anyone who is verbally abusive and hints at suicide is unstable. They key word here are "verbally abusive".

Forget the bipolar part for a second, would ANYONE want their child around someone who is abusive? I'm know the OP said he's only like that when he doesn't take his medicine, but the verbally abusive part is what sticks out to me.

I agree that part of it may be from being bipolar (again, not knowing much about it, I can't say for sure if that's from being bipolar or it just aggravates his abusive behavior), but I still don't think I'd want me child around that.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining my thoughts well, I'd agree if he was being treated and kept up with his meds I'd have no problem with sending my children over there, I just don't like that his verbally abusive side and suicidal threats are dismissed because of being bipolar and people are trying to say it's ok to potentially send a child into that situation.

Exactly right. I have a brother who is an alcoholic(and probably bipolar, too) who has a terrible temper. He can manage to control his drinking for short periods but he cannot control his temper. He is prone to lashing out over the most ridiculous reasons. I have never seen him yell at my kids, but the things he says and does to his wife. Therefore, I do not allow my kids to be in his presence unless we are around. He lives about 600 miles away, so that's not much of a problem. When he comes to visit, he stays in a hotel(his choice--I suspect he doesn't want me to know how much he drinks) and we have limited time with him. It's a shame, because when he's behaving he is the most wonderful, generous man imaginable.