Feeling Guilty

[Princessmommymouse]

We leave for Disneyland in three days and I am about ready to stay home and send my husband and kids without me. We've had this trip planned for two years and I can hardly stand myself for wanting to go.
My mother has stage four breast cancer and we are living with her and caring for her through her treatments so that my dad can keep working. I am the primary caregiver to my mom while he is at work, and she has been incredibly sick after her Chemo.
Her next treatment is Thursday, and we leave Friday. My dad will be with her Saturday and Sunday, but must return to work Monday, leaving my mom without anyone for eight hours on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I have pleaded with my seven siblings to try and find someone to be with her during that time but they are all too busy to "facilitate my vacation". So as it stands now my mom will be alone, during the worst period of her treatment, unless I give up the vacation we have been planning and have had paid for since well before my mom had cancer.

I feel so guilty. I want to go so badly, and have a break from the huge responsibility that is caring for someone with cancer. I really need this respite for my own mental health. But I am afraid of what might happen while I am gone.
My dad said he would figure something out before we left, but with only three days left to go there is still nothing. My mom says to just go and have fun that she will be fine, but I know how she has been after treatment and I know she needs 24 hour care during that time. I know if I go I will be worried about her the whole time, but if I stay I know I will resent that I couldn't go.
I just don't know what to do. Nothing feels right. I should be excited and happy to be going to the happiest place on earth in a few days, but all I can do is cry and worry and feel guilty for wanting to go. This is my kids first trip, and I really don't want to miss out on it.
Should I stay or should I go? I just don't know.

 

[jacs1234]

If I was your mom, I'd want you to go and have a nice time. Also though, if I was one of your siblings I would step up and look after your mom while you were gone. There has to be someone that could stay with her. Is there an older Grandchild, like an 18 year old or something, that could help Grandma out? Keep calling your siblings and ask them until someone says yes.

 

[TinkerLiz]

I really think that you should go on the trip with your husband and children. You need to be building some positive memories during this very difficult time. I recently cared for my father in end stage heart failure and it is the most difficult thing that I have had to do emotionally. Sometimes it's ok to want to step back and need a break for your self and your husband and children. Don't feel guilty for wanting to go on your trip, your mother knows that you are always there for her. Your siblings need to step up and help
Yes I think that your mom would be on your mind a lot but really think about going and creating some nice memories for your children. If you don't go your siblings are always going to fall back on you to do everything. Please keep us updated whether you get to go.

 

[Jenna319]

I agree that you should go. I can't believe that none of your 7 siblings can care for their mother for 3 days to give you piece of mind and allow you to enjoy a much-deserved vacation. Perhaps at the last minute one of them will step up? I know how you feel as I worry about leaving my mom alone when we are on vacation. My mom is 72 years old and has to care for my extremely troubled alcoholic sister and her 5 year old daughter. We all deserve a break. Your family should help out.

 

[Kittyskyfish]

You should really try to be with your husband and kids at Disneyland. I am so sorry your mom is so ill right now, but would she be happy knowing you are sad because you gave up a long-awaited vacation for her? She absolutely needs help but if she's like any person I know, she still has her dignity and that could make her feel pain for causing you such sadness. It's difficult losing one's ability to be independent and her illness stopping you from going could make her feel even more of a burden.

Maybe you can get referrals for in-home care from your mom's hospital? There are people who's job is to perform non-medical assistance for those recovering from illness, such as providing meals, keeping the ill comfortable, medication reminding. Basically, they are adult sitters and help out when their partner has to be at work. Some of the cost may be covered by her insurance.

 

[elphaba91]

I definitely think you should go. You've been through a lot lately and it sounds as though you're being a wonderful daughter. You definitely deserve a break! Plus, think of how guilty your mom would feel if you didn't go because of her and spoiled not only your vacation but also your husband and children's.

I also think that your siblings need to step up to the plate. Surely they could each spend at least half a day with your mom? Is there somebody else who could possibly speak to them - I'm sure it is difficult to express to them just how much you need this vacation, especially without feeling that you're sounding selfish (which you're most certainly not!). Maybe someone like your dad or husband might be able to get through to them a bit better, especially if they explain that you're now considering cancelling.

As a backup plan, what about a neighbor or even a home nurse? Or, worse case scenario, could you even speak with your dad's work to explain the situation and see if he can maybe get some time off or even an extended lunch break or something?

I hope you manage to sort something out and end up having a wonderful holiday.

 

[twinspirit]

Work fast, but for sure get respite and someone to help care for your mom. Speak to her doctor ASAP. This relief should be ongoing even after your trip to DL. I know money may be a factor but mental health and staying strong and healthy for ALL of your family is extremely important. Even, just for a few days, if you have to advertise in your church or community for someone to come help, do it. Don't feel guilty about DL. Your family wants you there. Heart and soul

First ever Disney trip Sept 19-28 2013 <3

 

[larina]

Yes, it sounds like you, and your family, really need this trip. I hope it all works out.

 

[Apsychmommy]

My mom had cancer and I know how much care they need after treatments, but I really think that you should go to Disneyland with your family. When my mom was sick, we were her primary caretakers every weekend so that my sister-in-law and dad could rest (they were her caretakers during the week). Caretaking is a full time job with lots of stress, so having a short break to recharge mentally and physically is definitely needed.

I know my mom didn't qualify through her insurance for a home health nurse as they only covered that if she was over 70. When we needed a weekend away to recharge, I hired a nurse that was a friend of a friend out of pocket. She came periodically throughout the day to check in on her and help prepare meals and keep company, but it was more cost effective to have her do "check-ins" then stay the whole day. I'm not sure if your budget allows this or if you have any contacts, but that really allowed me peace of mind while I travelled. We also had awesome neighbors that would bring food by during those times as well.

It stinks that your siblings aren't volunteering even a half day (not sure their work situation, but my siblings took days off to go with my mom to chemo, appts etc because we knew our time was limited). Is your dad able to take family medical leave time?

I hope that you are able to go on your vacation and that everything works.

 

[nunzia]

I also agree that it is important for you to go. Can't your Dad take of a day or two off work?? I would TELL the siblings they were responsible to come up with a plan to fill in..any church friends/neighbors/etc that could just check in? I agree on maybe hiring a respit nurse to stop by to check in af all else fails. I do not think you should feel guilty about this needed family time.

 

[nikkislaght]

I cared for my dad , for the last 9 months , and so I know how troubling it is to take time for yourself without feeling guilty about it..

The choice is yours to make and yours alone... but do so with peace in your heart...
Whatever you decide , you cant be held hostage to the choice.. so make it with a clear heart, and be joyful in that decision. It will be a hard choice to make, but you shouldnt regret it ..
Peace to you and your family..

 

[ssawka]

Is it possible and/or feasible for you to get a visiting nurse to check on your Mom for those three days if your siblings will not help you out? If none of your siblings will do it, I would personally cut off all ties with them. They may not want to "facilitate [your] vacation", but do they realize the burden you face by taking care of your mom day in and day out? Siblings can be so self-centered and rude!

 

[Princessmommymouse]

Thank you all so much for your words. I feel a bit less guilty now. Hearing from my siblings that it was selfish of me to be taking a vacation when my mom was so sick really got into my head I guess.
None of them are coming still, as they have made it very clear it's my responsibility to find someone if I can't be there because I'm "just a mom" and they have jobs. My dad can't take off work right now, as only three people can do his job, and this particular week both the other guys are gone (one scheduled the whole month off two years in advance, and the other has had his vacation time in since Feb)

 

[Princessmommymouse]

I did talk to my local church and they are going to have a few people check in on her now. Calling at seven in the morning crying and emotional sure helped my case that I needed help. LOL.
Wish I could hire a nurse, but my husband recently lost his job. This trip is only happening because we had already paid for it and can't get it refunded.

 

[Princessmommymouse]

And this incident with my siblings is just one of many. There has been minimal to no help from any of them, and when they have had to do something it has been a horrible experience for everyone. Been really mistreated by them in all of this, so it doesn't surprise me one bit that it's continuing.
Just going to try and relax these next few days and figure out what's best. Really want to go, but don't want to be held responsible and crucified by my siblings if something were to go wrong while I am not there either. Family sucks sometimes!

 

[seagodess]

I think you should go. This is going to be a long battle, and you should take a break while you can.
MIL just passed away friday from ovarian cancer. She was diagnosed stage 3 last year a few weeks before our DL trip. She went into surgery day's before we left. She kept joking that she wanted a picture frame that said "My mom got cancer and I went to Disneland".
I'm sure everyone has different reactions to the chemo and the meds. I know with MIL when she went in for chemo, she was also VERY sick afterwards. However, it only lasted a day or 2, 3 tops. She was a care giver for a 80yr old woman with alzheimers, but when she got herself a part time care giver and did ok with that.
I dont know about your mom, but I would assume that by monday, she should be ok enough to be home for a few hours. Maybe a neighbor or friend or something can come and check on her. Maybe you could pre make some meals so your dad doesn't have to worry about cooking.

 

[squirrel]

I think it's awful that not one of your siblings can take one day to help out. Do they all live far away?

I do think you should go on your trip. It's time for some other family members to step up and help you out while you are away.

 

[monkeymers]

I think it's awful that not one of your siblings can take one day to help out. Do they all live far away?

I do think you should go on your trip. It's time for some other family members to step up and help you out while you are away.

^This!!

If no other sibling will help out, no other sibling deserves your respect. It's that simple. GO to Disneyland. You are creating memories for your children, something you can NEVER do again. You only go to Disneyland the first time, once!

Check in with a local hospice group. I know they serve families when the patient is terminal, but maybe they have some suggestions on how to help with care. They are a volunteer organization, and have all the connections.

 

[sunshine1974]

Please go have a wonderful vacation with your family. You deserve it!! Shame on your siblings for trying to make you feel guilty when they should be the ones feeling guilt for never helping their mother.

 

[Cheshirecatty]

Please go have a wonderful vacation with your family. You deserve it!! Shame on your siblings for trying to make you feel guilty when they should be the ones feeling guilt for never helping their mother.

I have to agree with this^^^^^^, and every other PPs sentiments!!!!!!

I am sickened by the fact that not one out of seven siblings will step up to help you, and your Mom, in this situation.

How can they possibly not understand, that in order for someone to take physical care of an aging parent, that someone must take care of themselves emotionally, in order to do the job properly, and possibly for an extended time?

I feel for you, because this is happening in my family as well, so I know/understand all the feelings of guilt which flood through your mind and threaten to overwhelm you when you feel the need to "escape", even for just a day, or a few hours.

Shove those feelings of guilt down, and remember that you are a person, not just a caregiver. You are a wife and mother, and have responsibilities that you cannot give up, just because of your Mom's situation.

Your siblings will continue to take advantage of you if you allow them to. Give them the opportunity to take a turn serving THEIR mother, while you spend precious time with your family.

Even if they hold jobs, they can spend an hour or two afterwards fixing dinner, or helping your Mom get ready for bed, visiting with her, etc.

I commend you for your unselfishness in being the primary caregiver. This issue is about so much more than you taking a trip to Disneyland--which I'm sure you need desperately(been there myself)! It is about EVERY member of your family sacrificing something in order to help care for your Mom. Shame on them!!!

Go, and have a wonderful time, come back refreshed and able to give quality care to your Mom!