Destination Wedding - how much is too much? *UPDATE page 11*

[eliza61]

Ok, than let me rephrase that. One's wedding would be a time to be a little selfish. And in my opinion it's the family members who are selfish because they are not thinking of the bride and groom only what they "Can't" do.

I totally admit I was chiefly concerned about how my husband and I wanted our day. I was totally focused on Our pleasure as you call it. considering that I would spend the next 27 years of my life with him, don't have a problem with it.

two different ways of thinking about it.

I hope my sons plan the wedding of their dreams and not deny themselves any thing because of being worried what their "family" thinks. If my family can't be happy for him simply because he's found love (and that goes for myself) then by all means stay the heck home, last thing I want or need is some one with an attitude because they feel their needs weren't taken into consideration.

 

[eliza61]

A wedding is about proclaiming your love. The family and friends are optional, and a wedding SHOULD be chiefly concerned with the couple's own pleasure, it's THEIR day. Family members who choose to be offended by it (not OP) are the ones who are selfish, because they don't realize that it isn't about THEM.

LOL. get out of my head. Just goes to show you, I talk too much.

 

[Christine]

self·ish :/ÈselfiSH/
Adjective

(of a person, action, or motive) Lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.


Planning a wedding that will cause "fallout" is, in my mind, selfish. It's not going to bring the family together for that family time, it's going to be divisive. It's not about proclaiming your love in front of family and friends, it's "concerned chiefly with one's own... pleasure."

It really depends on how you view a wedding. Some people view it strictly as a ceremony/vow between two people only. The family and friends are optional. Others view it as that same type of scenario; however, having friends and family witness their proclamation of commitment is necessary and expected. If you are a person who believes in the second version of a wedding then having a destination wedding and expecting your family to attend IS selfish. If you follow #1, then you're not selfish at all.

So far, I haven't read any evidence that the nephew is demanding everyone's presence.

 

[luvmy3]

Our nephew is planning a destination wedding at an all-inclusive in Mexico over New Year's. (prob around Dec 30th). I just want to get some perspective and ideas on how people feel about destination weddings and just how much sacrifice should be "expected" on the guests' part to be there. (and I'm also partly just venting!)

None, the couple or any other family member shouldn't expect anyone else to sacrifice anything to attend a destination wedding. Unfortunately many do.

For me, no way would I give up my family vacations in order to comfortably afford to go to a destination wedding. I wouldn't dip in to retirement savings, or kids college funds or emergency funds either. If it was a place I was willing to go in the first place, I'd set a budget and if I cant find accommodations to fit that budget then I just wouldn't go. If anyone had an issue with that, well I'd have some words for them that I cant say on the DIS.

 

[elaine amj]

Wow...this is awesome. It really helps to have the wide array of feedback and perspectives. My DH last night actually threw up his hands and said, "whatever...let's just not go". I'm actually the one pressuring to go. When my brother And my mom got married, we didn't care about the exorbitant cost to fly across the world to be there for them. We just paid up.

The major difficulty I am having is that we CAN afford it..as long as we give up some other things. And frankly, my nephew won't really care that we are not there. It's the rest of the family that will be miffed (look, they can afford to go on a cruise but not the DW). Sure SiL cannot go, she can't afford it. Sure sister can't go...she'll have a brand new baby. But look at them doing all these other pricey trips and then saying they can't go to the DW.

Be honest, if u were planning a DW and u knew a family member could afford it, wouldn't u think that "oh yeah uncle so and so will be there, they can afford it".

I'm just having a tough time paying what I know will be peak pricing. I can afford all my trips because we hunt for the best deals. If I was going to blow $5 -7k on 1 single trip I want a week on the Fantasy!

The only ppl from our side of the family there will be our niece (his sister) and her family...his mom (our SIL), hmmm.... Can't think of anyone else. So it's not like a big extended family get together.

And there's no way we would go and not bring our kids. I just wouldn't spend that much and not have a family trip. We would consider it our vacation...just a very pricey one we wouldn't normally spend on.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow...this is awesome. It really helps to have the wide array of feedback and perspectives. My DH last night actually threw up his hands and said, "whatever...let's just not go". I'm actually the one pressuring to go. When my brother And my mom got married, we didn't care about the exorbitant cost to fly across the world to be there for them. We just paid up.

The major difficulty I am having is that we CAN afford it..as long as we give up some other things. And frankly, my nephew won't really care that we are not there. It's the rest of the family that will be miffed (look, they can afford to go on a cruise but not the DW). Sure SiL cannot go, she can't afford it. Sure sister can't go...she'll have a brand new baby. But look at them doing all these other pricey trips and then saying they can't go to the DW.

Be honest, if u were planning a DW and u knew a family member could afford it, wouldn't u think that "oh yeah uncle so and so will be there, they can afford it".

I'm just having a tough time paying what I know will be peak pricing. I can afford all my trips because we hunt for the best deals. If I was going to blow $5 -7k on 1 single trip I want a week on the Fantasy!

The only ppl from our side of the family there will be our niece (his sister) and her family...his mom (our SIL), hmmm.... Can't think of anyone else. So it's not like a big extended family get together.

And there's no way we would go and not bring our kids. I just wouldn't spend that much and not have a family trip. We would consider it our vacation...just a very pricey one we wouldn't normally spend on.

Well then don't worry about it. Just decline the DW.

If they "talk about you behind your backs" so what? Expecting you to chuck up 7 grand on their wedding is laughable imo.

 

[RadioNate]

In every destination wedding thread from the guest perspective people assume that the bride/groom would be "furious" that the invited guest didn't attend.

In my experience, as someone who had a destination wedding (of sorts, my now ex & I got married where we lived however our entire families had to travel) and has been involved with no less than 9 destination weddings ... The bride and groom have never cared who shows and who doesn't.

It's the guests who almost always treat the invitation as a summons.

Can't afford it, don't want to go...don't go. Really. Not that huge of a deal. I have never seen WWIII started in families over this.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Wow...this is awesome. It really helps to have the wide array of feedback and perspectives. My DH last night actually threw up his hands and said, "whatever...let's just not go". I'm actually the one pressuring to go. When my brother And my mom got married, we didn't care about the exorbitant cost to fly across the world to be there for them. We just paid up.

The major difficulty I am having is that we CAN afford it..as long as we give up some other things. And frankly, my nephew won't really care that we are not there. It's the rest of the family that will be miffed (look, they can afford to go on a cruise but not the DW). Sure SiL cannot go, she can't afford it. Sure sister can't go...she'll have a brand new baby. But look at them doing all these other pricey trips and then saying they can't go to the DW.

Be honest, if u were planning a DW and u knew a family member could afford it, wouldn't u think that "oh yeah uncle so and so will be there, they can afford it".

I'm just having a tough time paying what I know will be peak pricing. I can afford all my trips because we hunt for the best deals. If I was going to blow $5 -7k on 1 single trip I want a week on the Fantasy!

The only ppl from our side of the family there will be our niece (his sister) and her family...his mom (our SIL), hmmm.... Can't think of anyone else. So it's not like a big extended family get together.

And there's no way we would go and not bring our kids. I just wouldn't spend that much and not have a family trip. We would consider it our vacation...just a very pricey one we wouldn't normally spend on.

Unless people live in the town of a wedding, for anyone traveling it is a destination wedding. We are going to a wedding this summer. It will be close to $1 for flights from the end of the world here back to civilization and then another $500 at least for hotel plus food and a rental car and we are at over $2k and that is in the US.

If you want to go, then go. You normally wouldn't spend so much on a vaction but you could make the destination into it's own vacation.You will already be there and lots of gorgeous things to do and see. I certainly don't blame the wedding couple on doing what they want. You make the choie to attend or you don't and you go with a good attitude because you are choosing to spend the money.

 

[Christine]

Be honest, if u were planning a DW and u knew a family member could afford it, wouldn't u think that "oh yeah uncle so and so will be there, they can afford it".

Nope, I would never in a million years think that way. I have some fairly wealthy aunts/uncles who could go anywhere they wanted. But it is THEIR choice as to how they would spend their money.

If your family gets into that sort emotional blackmail, I'm sorry about that. I certainly would not feed into it. It sounds like the only reason you are even entertaining going to this thing is because you DO have the money if you make a lot of concession and you're worried of what people with think of you.

I think you should only go if:

1. It doesn't impact your other planned vacation
2. You don't have to dip into any other forms of savings
3. You would really love to go to this place anyway and so, it *might* impact your other vacation, but that's okay because it's a nice tradeoff.

 

[elaine amj]

Well then don't worry about it. Just decline the DW.

If they "talk about you behind your backs" so what? Expecting you to chuck up 7 grand on their wedding is laughable imo.

This is some great perspective. To be honest, up until the weekend I never even considered not going. My SIL gave us the heads up 6 months ago basically telling us to plan for it. So I meekly said OK. All this time, dH said it will come out of our other savings, not our vacation budget. So it didn't feel like a sacrifice, kwim? Just a cool extra.

My budget side is kicking in. Our other savings means our retirement savings basically.

We were talking about the trip to our close friends yesterday and they told us we were nuts for considering going. So then I started considering the ramifications of going.

 

[mrsklamc]

IMO a destination wedding is basically eloping but letting people know that they CAN come if they WANT to. I don't think people who have them are going to be all wrapped up in who can and can't come.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is some great perspective. To be honest, up until the weekend I never even considered not going. My SIL gave us the heads up 6 months ago basically telling us to plan for it. So I meekly said OK. All this time, dH said it will come out of our other savings, not our vacation budget. So it didn't feel like a sacrifice, kwim? Just a cool extra.

My budget side is kicking in. Our other savings means our retirement savings basically.

We were talking about the trip to our close friends yesterday and they told us we were nuts for considering going. So then I started considering the ramifications of going.

Let me tell you, spending that kind of money on someone's wedding will make you sick to your stomach.

Then for the cherry on top of that, wait until the divorce and then you can really get pissed.

Now if you were rolling in dough, fine, but you are not.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Question: people keep saying the nephew is "selfish". I'm not getting it. call me crazy but aren't you supposed to plan your wedding they way you want it?

Op, is nephew making every one go?

I had the wedding I wanted. I damn sure didn't sit down and say "well can't do that, Aunt sally can't afford it". Seriously?
I sent out invitations, those who could afford to come showed up. those who could not, hey no worries, see you at Christmas.

How is planning YOUR wedding they way YOU envision it, selfish?

How about expecting your family to give up their holoday time for you, pushing the cost of your wedding onto your guests, saying my day is worth thousands of your dollars. No a destination wedding is a selfish indulgence you have to decide I want my family there so make it possible for them to attend or it's just you and the partner any if the others want to attend any of them.

 

[mrsklamc]

How about expecting your family to give up their holoday time for you, pushing the cost of your wedding onto your guests, saying my day is worth thousands of your dollars. No a destination wedding is a selfish indulgence you have to decide I want my family there so make it possible for them to attend or it's just you and the partner any if the others want to attend any of them.

Several people have said, there is no 'expectation' that anyone go, on the part of the bride and groom. It's their day.

 

[mjkacmom]

This is some great perspective. To be honest, up until the weekend I never even considered not going. My SIL gave us the heads up 6 months ago basically telling us to plan for it. So I meekly said OK. All this time, dH said it will come out of our other savings, not our vacation budget. So it didn't feel like a sacrifice, kwim? Just a cool extra.

My budget side is kicking in. Our other savings means our retirement savings basically.

We were talking about the trip to our close friends yesterday and they told us we were nuts for considering going. So then I started considering the ramifications of going.

Does the couple realize that they are having this wedding at one of the most expensive travel times? Some people are just clueless. If the price is too high, just explain that when you told them you planned on attending, you assumed it would be less expensive, at a cheaper time. Maybe the couple decided on a destination wedding because they wanted a small crowd.

 

[Janepod]

Only Disney destination weddings are okay. The rest are all selfish impositions and the bride and groom should be shunned forever. Don't even send a gift.

In seriousness, OP, do what feels right for your family, but don't feel you're obligated to go.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Ok, than let me rephrase that. One's wedding would be a time to be a little selfish. And in my opinion it's the family members who are selfish because they are not thinking of the bride and groom only what they "Can't" do.

I totally admit I was chiefly concerned about how my husband and I wanted our day. I was totally focused on Our pleasure as you call it. considering that I would spend the next 27 years of my life with him, don't have a problem with it.

two different ways of thinking about it.

I hope my sons plan the wedding of their dreams and not deny themselves any thing because of being worried what their "family" thinks. If my family can't be happy for him simply because he's found love (and that goes for myself) then by all means stay the heck home, last thing I want or need is some one with an attitude because they feel their needs weren't taken into consideration.

So if a family member couldn't afford to go to the wedding you would assume that they can't be happy for him, that is a selfish attitude, what happens if a they can't afford to go or b their boss won't give them the time off to go?

 

[shoney]

We've been to about 8 AI's, we love them!!!

I am always stunned by the number of weddings and also the number of people that actually attend! It is not unusual to see 2 to 3 a day and have 25 to 60 people at each!

so, some people must love them!

If you want to go, then go....if you don't, then decline.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Wouldn't the simple solution be to tell the mother "we can afford $3K total. If the total cost of the trip for 4 of us is that price or lower, we will go. If not, we can't. And we need to know by this date so we can allocate money accordingly."

Take the emotion out of it.

Also, keep in mind dear nephew might pick an AI that doesn't allow kids. Have a response prepared for that as well.

 

[pigletto]

I don't think it's inherently selfish or unreasonable to have a destination wedding. However I do think it becomes that way if you stamp your feet or get offended about people not coming.
Many people save, dream and plan all year or for many years for their dream vacations. Expecting them to drop those plans to go to a resort and destination of your choosing for your wedding is unfair.
We briefly considered a destination wedding back in the day. When we realized the cost and sacrifice we'd be asking others to make we changed our minds. If we were totally ok with it being very small and most people not being able to make it then it's a fine idea. But because we really wanted our grandmothers there and other relatives and friends we decided to stick close to home.