College tuition bombshell & budget buster..need opinions

[MrsPete]

Which I why I suggested a loan that the parents can pay back when he graduates. I was just surprised that anyone would think $3000 is considered expensive when it comes to college. Community college here costs $4000 a year in district, $8000 out of district.

I don't know where the OP lives, but I don't think the figures you're quoting are typical for a community college. I just googled our local community college, and it's $50/credit hour . . . so you could take a full load -- five classes -- for $800/semester. Add a $16 technology fee and a $25 student activity fee each semester, and you're still well under $1000/semester.

I don't think the issue is whether this is a good deal or a bad deal. I think it's that the OP was told, "This is what I need . . . ", and she had planned for it . . . and then just as she hit a financial rough patch herself, she's told, "No, it's much more than that."

To claim he didn't know how much the school was until after he had been accepted shows a lack of planning and responsibility. Honestly, that should have been one of the first things he looked in to when he considered this school a top contender. That also should have been something discussed long before he actually applied for the school

I don't think he's lacking in responsibility so much as he's lacking in life experience. High school guidance counselors and college representatives tend to downplay the cost of college. IF the topic is addressed at all, it tends to be, "Don't worry -- there are scholarships and loans." And an 18-year old who's never had a job probably doesn't have much of a feel for just how much 17K/year is. College students often buy into the idea that an education is worth ANY COST, and they buy into the idea of "good debt". It's one thing to see that information on a piece of paper, and it's quite another to really understand how much of the family's yearly resources that represents. I do agree that the parents (all the parental figures) should discuss these figures with him -- they are the only people with a vested interest in his financial future, and they're the only people who are going to shoot straight with him about college money. The college reps don't care whether he can eat. The loan people don't care whether he has to move back home after college. It's the parents' responsibility to help him make good financial choices at this point.

Not to be negative, but have you actually seen the paperwork to prove that he needs this money?

This is a good point. I'm thinking back to college . . . I had a boyfriend who purposefully didn't tell his dad about a large scholarship that he had. He just told his dad that school cost X amount, and his dad paid it. He saved every penny of the excess, figuring he'd need it after graduation. As you might guess, he and his dad had a rather bad relationship; he blamed his dad for his divorce, for cheating on his mom, and a couple other things. His mom wasn't aware of what he was doing. I'm not sure whether she would've condoned it or not.

In the OP's case, her stepson is going to private school while her daughter goes to public school. Where is the outrage over that?

First, having had my children in both over the years, I don't assume that private school is better than public school. The private school had some good points that I do miss these days, but our public school is MUCH STRONGER academically. Back when I used to teach 9th grade, I frequently taught students who'd been in the various private schools for elementary/middle school and then came to public high school. I found patterns over the years: Students from one particular school had excellent grammar and could write well, but they were completely ignorant of literature. Students from another school were lacking in grammar, had a wide knowledge of current literature but ability to write. One of the reasons we left our private school was that they were very, very weak in math and science.

In this situation, I assume that the "dad will pay for this private school" was in the parents' divorce decree, and there's no point in outrage -- dad obviously agreed to it years ago. I do agree that should play into the "who's going to pay for college" discussion; dad has done a good bit already for this child educationally.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Sorry--you come before him. He changd his mind just now????? Um, if he wants to do that, he can pony up the $6K extra per year.

Don't suspend your future so that he can do his dream. Not a smart move at all given that you are almost done!

 

[dawnbu40]

My DD just finished her second year of college so I am well aware of the costs and she goes to a public university and not a private. Before she graduated hs we told her we would support her throughout college and buy her a car if she commuted. (car payments are much less than room and board and she was given a new car!) She was told she would need to apply for scholarships and take out a Stafford loan (we told her we will help with paying it off when she graduates). She has been able to pay at least half her tuition and books off with scholarships.

Fast forward 2 years.....She has made the Dean's List EVERY semester! She recently told me she attributes a lot of her success to the fact that she is financially responsible for every class she takes. She says she sees many students taking advantage of the fact that their parents are paying and this makes them less motivated about declaring a major and graduating. She feels she is more driven since she she is responsible.

Your stepson made the adult decision to apply to private school and I don't see anything wrong with having him take out a loan.

 

[branv]

To PP: the OP said in her first post that her SS had told them he was going to go to the community college, they prepared for that, and he just recently sprung on them that he's changed his mind and needs them to cough up the $3K. Sounds like they did discuss this, it was the kiddo that opted to keep things on the downlow.

Our local community college (Austin) is $696 for 12 hours (or $1400/yr). That a CC would charge $3-$4K is outrageous. For goodness sake, it's not like this young adult is somehow being deprived if he has to go to a state school or a community college for a year or two. Frankly, he should be grateful for any opportunity. I went to a CC for the first two years, and somehow graduated from a university with a 4.0 and multiple academic awards. Go figure Assuming "private" always equals "select" is incorrect.

But overall, I am a little surprised at some of the assumptions people are making about this OP. It truly sounds like bad personal experiences with step-parents are making some automatically assume the worst of this woman just b/c she is a stepmother. I have read NOTHING to lead me to believe she does not have his best interest at heart, but simply has to balance that with the overall security of her WHOLE family, not just him. Doesn't every parent have to do that, blood or not? It sounds to me that she truly is between a rock and a hard place, and just trying to be a good parent. And it's clear she's been very supportive of her stepson so far. Kuddos to you OP, and good luck with your degree.

 

[mjkacmom]

That a CC would charge $3-$4K is outrageous. For goodness sake, it's not like this young adult is somehow being deprived if he has to go to a state school or a community college for a year or two. Frankly, he should be grateful for any opportunity. I went to a CC for the first two years, and somehow graduated from a university with a 4.0 and multiple academic awards. Go figure Assuming "private" always equals "select" is incorrect.
.

Well, I copied this from the website of one of our cheaper community colleges: $2040.00 for in county, $3,592.50 for out of county, 15 credits. I live in NJ, though.

 

[Traveliz]

15 hours of Community College where I am (Central IL) is 1305.00...that is without books or any other fees. Out of district is double that.

So a typical year of 30 hours would be well over 3000.00

Liz

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

To PP: the OP said in her first post that her SS had told them he was going to go to the community college, they prepared for that, and he just recently sprung on them that he's changed his mind and needs them to cough up the $3K. Sounds like they did discuss this, it was the kiddo that opted to keep things on the downlow.

Our local community college (Austin) is $696 for 12 hours (or $1400/yr). That a CC would charge $3-$4K is outrageous. For goodness sake, it's not like this young adult is somehow being deprived if he has to go to a state school or a community college for a year or two. Frankly, he should be grateful for any opportunity. I went to a CC for the first two years, and somehow graduated from a university with a 4.0 and multiple academic awards. Go figure Assuming "private" always equals "select" is incorrect.

But overall, I am a little surprised at some of the assumptions people are making about this OP. It truly sounds like bad personal experiences with step-parents are making some automatically assume the worst of this woman just b/c she is a stepmother. I have read NOTHING to lead me to believe she does not have his best interest at heart, but simply has to balance that with the overall security of her WHOLE family, not just him. Doesn't every parent have to do that, blood or not? It sounds to me that she truly is between a rock and a hard place, and just trying to be a good parent. And it's clear she's been very supportive of her stepson so far. Kuddos to you OP, and good luck with your degree.

I can't stand my stepmother and I wholeheartedly 100% agree with your post.

The "child" decided he wanted something better after all the planning had taken place.

And it is never wise to put a child's post-secondary educational wants above your own career/future needs.

It would be bad parenting to cater to him at this point b/c of a "want".

 

[mpls_mm]

The OP is a bigger person than I am. I don't understand how a man who makes little money has to foot an expensive private school bill? How did he afford it during the marriage and why is it OP's problem to keep her exs child in a style she can't afford for her own children? I understand a stepson is considered by her to be family, but doesn't this financial divorce agreement depend on his new wife being able to foot the bill. What if he had not married someone who was a better wage earner, someone who made less? How would these shortcomings be rectified? At 18 I was mortified to ask my struggling parents for anything even though they would have freely given it. How does someone look at their stepsister and see that she goes without and then applies to a school without even having a job to help with any expenses? How does your husband think that's fair? I remember dating a guy who was divorced with kids when I was in college and his ex flat out told me I better get a good job when I was done because she had expensive tastes and it would take me and her husband to support them. I didn't understand how that worked at all.

 

[patsal]

Let him take out the loans for it and when he graduates pay down the loans with whatever you decide your share is and let him refinance making his payments lower. My DS is an 18 yo basketcase with no plans. CC we will pay for, state school we will pay for, but he is on his own for the room and board, private he is on his own totally and if he graduates we will pay down his loan as I described above. No one paid for DH and I and we did really well because it was our money we were playing with.

 

[Schachteles]

I have to agree with people that say he will value his schooling more if he has to foot the bill. As a child who went to a $30k a year school with no loans (my parents and grandparents footed the bill), I didn't care if I failed a class and had to retake it, because the money would always be there. Now my roommates who were both helping pay (or paying entirely) were VERY worried about their grades and took much more value in their education then I ever did.

As a step parent now who likely will be in a situation like this in 2 years, we will be telling my SS that we don't have the money and we wouldn't be doing it for our DDs (his half sisters) so we certainly won't be doing it for him. Though I do like the idea of saying if you graduate from college, then we will help you pay off your loans, that is something that my DH and I have talked about doing for our own kids.

Good luck! Congrats on finishing school!!

 

[gina2000]

If he found so much money thru financial aid, I think I would do everything in my power to help him He sounds like a resourceful kid and I would encourage that sort of behavior by supporting his college experience.

 

[MomToOne]

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[MrsPooh]

OP - I am amazed that you are able to work as much as you do and still handle the coursework and time involved in going to pharmacy school.

I know kids at that age do things without understanding the impact. My daughter was the same way at that age.

At this point I personally think the most important investment is having you complete your education.

As someone who worked 32 -40 hours a week during the school year and two or more jobs during the summer to put myself through college I get angry at kids who don't work to contribute. I also had a much greater appreciation for my classes because I was paying for them. I expected to be taught by a good teacher and applied myself to earn the grade because I knew how much I had to work to pay for the class. It really does make a difference.

I am basically appalled by all of the people commenting that money was not saved for a child's college. Many of us do not have the money to save. Believe me, I would if I could but I can't. I know our family is not alone. It is wonderful that many people can save for college but many of us are part of the struggling middle class.

I would have to explain that we don't have the money that is due right now and that we had budgeted for the expected costs at the community college. Tell him you can pay that this year and will hopefully be able to help more next year. His need and aid were based on only his custodial parent's household income so it is believed that his mother can afford the $6000, hopefully she can or he can get a job.

This is truly a tough situation. Good Luck and best of luck in school!

 

[ajh88]

OP back here - first, thanks for the words of encouragement and support and I appreciate opposing viewpoints as well. I know that since web discussions don't take place in 'real' time and without any verbal context, I can't say everything I need to say or address all of the questions that have arisen. But - I'll respond briefly to a few comments that were made.

I have a college degree and I'm good at what I do. Pharmacy is a 2nd career for me and in my previous real life, my earning potential was over twice that of my very hard working DH. He did not go to college and has spent his entire life in retail. He has worked full time and part time to varying degrees over the years (as retail goes many times) and when DD was born, it was more financially feasible for him to stay home with her. As times changed, so did we and he eventually went back to work. Right now, he works 2 jobs, he just doesn't make very much money at either one of them. It is a very nice idea to say for him to go get another job, but when I'm on rotations 40 hours a week and hopefully still picking up a few hours at my job, and he is already juggling 2 jobs - well, I don't actually see a 3rd job for him fitting in the picture anytime soon (even if there were a 3rd job to be had - that's an entirely different problem). Our income is going down so drastically because I will no longer be able to work 30 hours/week - my job is only open certain hours and some of my rotations are over 60 miles away from my employer. Hopefully it will work out for me to work some, but each rotation is unique and I won't know details until they start. All of our income for the next year (that I can count on anyway) is from DH and we were actually almost 50/50 this past year, which was a big change from previous years.

**Our income is basically being cut in half from here forward because today was my last day of steady work until Thanksgiving. Any hours I am able to get between now and then are "bonus". The 20% information I gave was based on this reduced income, not what we have been making up to this point.**

I was never trying to imply the private school is "better" than public school, but rather that the option was never there for us for DD, so we couldn't really consider it. It would have been nice for the money we spent on DSS's elementary education to go into a college fund instead of to the 3rd grade, but it is what it is.

The CC he was considering is $75 a credit hour for district students - if he took 15 hours, that would be about $1150 a semester and half of that would obviously be $575 (or $1150 total for the year). I also know that $17K a year isn't as high as it could be for private school - but it is a far cry more than less than $2500 per year, which was the plan (or so I thought).

I never said that DSS is paying half. His mother is paying half ($3000) and he asked us for the other half. He is "paying" none, although we are thrilled he was offered some scholarship money. We have tried to help him find a job - DH even called a former employer that he's friendly with and found out they have some part time openings but DSS finds excuses not to go in there. I know this isn't a struggle unique to us. We're going to keep working on this one because I think he should have some sort of job during school, even if it is just for pocket money.

I haven't seen the financial aid statement but I would like to review it for certain. I don't think he had any intentions of taking out a loan, but DH is the one that spoke with him, not me. I don't really know where he would be happiest - it sounds like the 4 year school is a good fit for him and I hope that he is happy there.

I ultimately want what is best for him and maybe I'm just frustrated after years of shoot first and ask questions later - here's what we did and here's your portion of the bill. I know we could have it much worse and I am thankful that we at least have a level of civility but that doesn't make it any less frustrating every time it happens.

Maybe more than anything else I'm disappointed and ashamed that I can't just automatically say 'Sure, here's the money', which is what I would really like to do. I want to give BOTH of my kids (bio or otherwise) everything they may want or need - especially in terms of education because it is so important to me - I'm just not able to quite yet.

Thanks again to all!

 

[Taja]

My stepson is 18 and will be graduating in a couple of weeks. We are very proud of him in most aspects - he's an overall great kid, he's intelligent, kind, and thougtful (well, pretty much so, as far as 18 year old boys go).

A little background: I am preparing to start my 4th and final year of pharmacy school. This year is all clinical rotations - meaning I'll be spending 40 hours a week in "on the job" type training, only NOT getting paid (actually, I'm paying the school on obscene amount of money for these opportunities). This means I will not be working as much (right now, I work about 30 hours a week while in school full time) and we have been preparing for a lean year. When I graduate, I fully anticipate an increase in our income of at least 4 fold and possibly close to 5 fold over what we make now - it's just that it is still a year away.

OK, so up until about 3 months ago, DSS was planning on attending community college for 2 years because he wasn't really sure what he wanted to pursue. I was thinking that was great because we could swing a few hundred dollars in August and January to help with tuition and books (and once he transferred, I would be out of school and better able to help him financially). Well, he has since decided to enroll in a private 4 year university to the tune of $17000 a year (not as bad as it could be, but still surprising to us!).

He has secured a scholarship and has applied for another grant, but as of now, his shortfall is over $6000. He has asked us to pay half (which I suppose is fair enough), with the first payment of $259 due on May 24th!! My May budget definitely does NOT include an extra $259 right now.

I need some impartial opinions because I feel a little emotional about this and I'm not sure if I'm being entirely fair. Here are some of the things I've considered:

1) I'm really putting my own education ahead of his - is this fair of me to do right now? Me not finishing school right now is NOT an option!

YES, it is fair for you to put your education first at this point. You are close to graduating and helping to provide a better life for all of you--including your DSS!

2) I know that my parents would have done this for me in a second - I got a full scholarship to undergrad so it was never an issue - but this makes me feel guilty (and selfish) for not being gung-ho about shelling out money we don't have right now. I will also say that I worked all throughout college - I had one job for all 4 years and a 2nd job for my last year and a half. I know he isn't me, but I also know how hard I worked when I was in school.

Discuss it with your DH first, but your financial assistance should be dependent on his holding a job every summer and a part-time position (even a few hours a week for extra spending money) during the school years. Doesn't have to be glamorous or pay a lot, it's more the discipline of learning to work for a living!

3) Yes, I've known college was coming for awhile - but as I said, we were prepared for about $500 to $1000 based on the community college he was considering - NOT $3000+.

Ooops!

4) I'm a little bitter because DSS has shown NO INTEREST in getting or keeping a job. He had one fast food job about 2 years ago and it lasted about 2-3 months. I know the job market isn't great at the moment, but it seems like he isn't even trying. I feel like if he wants to go to a school that costs this amount, he should be prepared to contribute to it - like instead of splitting $6000 in half, it should be split 3 ways, with him contributing through a part-time job for his portion. Is this completely insane of me to think?

See #2. You also could raise the ante and--if he works summers and part-time for the first three years and maintains a specified grade average, you and your DH would pick up additional tuition costs to a maximum of $X,XXX (you select the amount) paid directly to the university. Discuss it with your DH--and be sure to include a clause for continued employment for both you and your DH. These days, who knows what could happen between now and then!

5) Would it be incredibly insensitive/bad/wrong of me to suggest he get a small, subsidized Stafford loan to cover "our" $3000 portion this first year?

Absolutely not. You would be able to repay it (plus interest) very quickly once you are working as a pharmacist. Best guess is that he and his mother never once considered that you would not be working for a year while you complete your own education. Be sure to point out that you should be able to participate fully in their plan when you begin working as a pharmacist. Again, discuss it with your DH first. The two of you need to be on the same page.

If you've stuck with me this long, thank you. I just feel like I'm not being very objective and I guess there isn't really one right answer here. I'm perfectly willing to help him out, but basically in order to do that for this year, I will have to request an increase in my own student loan and use that money to cover his education. Once I'm out of school, the amount of money won't be as much of an issue (I won't pretend it won't matter at all, but it won't be as bad as it is right now).

Any insights are appreciated. Thanks!

Quite honestly, I paid for my entire education and maintained a 4.0 average. My father was retirement age (minus pension) shortly after I graduated from high school, so there was no expectation that they would pay for any of my higher education. Unless your DSS has personal issues not mentioned, there is no reason for him not to work to help pay for his education--unless your DH and his ex prefer that he not work and concentrate on school and parties!

Edited to add:

Ooops! Sorry, OP, did not read your last post before replying.

Okay, change of scenario on #4. If DSS's mother is paying half, perhaps you and your DH could help him with a small amount of extra spending money in addition to tuition during his senior year if he works and maintains specified GPA for the first three years.

You get the idea. Be creative. Just be sure you and your DH are on the same page!

 

[punkin]

Maybe more than anything else I'm disappointed and ashamed that I can't just automatically say 'Sure, here's the money', which is what I would really like to do. I want to give BOTH of my kids (bio or otherwise) everything they may want or need - especially in terms of education because it is so important to me - I'm just not able to quite yet.

Thanks again to all!

Of course you do. You're a good mom and (step-mom), but you just do not have the money right now and you should tell DSS exactly that. You can always help him repay his loans once your own financial position is secure.
Good luck to you and him.

 

[lomorton]

I didn't get a chance to read through the whole thread, so I'm not sure if this has been suggested, but what about taking a loan from yours or your DH's 401K? My DBF did, and now he repays the loan to himself and won't pay finance charges to a bank, but rather to his future! Your DSS could make the payments, with a part time job, and he would not have debt of his own.

Just an idea

 

[extremesoccermom]

I would have to say sorry. You are too close to stop now, and your new, better career is just as important. I would tell him he needs to apply for student work options, a part time job, or a loan. When you graduate if you get the job you want and have the money at that time you can pay off the loan. He is the one who changed plans mid course without keeping you informed.

 

[lastminutemom]

I would have him take out the Stafford and then say you all will help him pay it back if certain things are accomplished. I would tie it to school performance.

We are requiring our son to take out a Stafford so he will have skin in the game so to speak. If he does well enough and needs our assistance, we will help pay of the loans at the end of his education.

I know you know this but $3000 or even 6K is very reasonable for college.

By the time he finishes your DH should better be able to assist in paying off the loans.

 

[southtexasmom]

I haven't read any of the replies, please forgive me if I'm just repeating others.

First I have to say you sound like an amazing step mom, I wish my 2 older kids had a caring step mom like you instead of the step monster they ended up with.

Have your stepson apply for a Stafford loan, let him know if he does well in school you will help repay the loan and tell him he must get a job. My DS is 18 and will be attending college in the fall, he graduates from high school in 2 weeks, he knows he must work/volunteer somewhere, he has a job lined up, its not his dream job but a job is a job.