College tuition bombshell & budget buster..need opinions

[PinballFamily]

It sounds to me like he made an adult decision on his own, WITHOUT any discussion with you, to choose a school you cannot afford.

Quite frankly, I would say "Gee, it would have been better if you had discussed this with us ahead of time so we could rework our budget to afford it, but unfortunately, you didn't. Your choice, your cost. We can only afford to give you what we'd planned: $500-1,000. You should be able to get YOURSELF a Stafford Loan for your freshman year of $5,500, and a job to cover whatever other expenses you will have. I'm sorry, but that's all we can do."

I totally agree with this post! Sometimes "decisions" have a way of changing when kids don't get what they want/expect. Just be sure you and DH are TOTALLY on the same page with whatever choice(s) you make.
Step-parents can kinda come off as the bad guy/girl in situations like this unless you know you and DH have each other's full support... Sounds like it is "grow up now" time for this kid...good luck!

 

[HunnyPots]

As a mom with two kids of my own in college, this is an easy one. You and dad say, "We can afford and are willing to pay $XXX toward your college expenses. If you choose to go to a more expensive school, it is up to you to come up with the remaider." No arguing and no guilt.

 

[fkj2]

I think you need to be pragmatic: You will soon be finished with a pharma degree and that translates into, generally speaking, secure income.

Get over the guilt aspect of "my parents would have paid my tuition, I should pay for my children's." Those days were different. When I first attended college (way back when) my entire tuition + fees for the college year was $630. You can hardly pay for a semester's books with that now.

Your SS's decision to not only not work but also not TRY to secure some type of PT position to help pay his expenses of driving, snacks, etc. would be a deal breaker for me. If he isn't invested, why should you be? He needs to have some skin in the game.

Do NOT obligate and co-sign for any loans. You co-sign, they're your loans, and your financial obligation.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I think you've lost some objectivity. You SS doesn't have to like the terms, but he is, after all, the one who wants financial help. Time for the tail to stop wagging the dog.

 

[jodifla]

First of all, I think you should be thrilled he wants to do a 4-year college instead of CC.

But since he didn't give you a whole lot of notice, I'd have him take out a loan. I do wonder how this will play out with the mom, since she plans to give him half.

Even $10,000 is pretty doable for a loan. It's the $40,000, $50,000, %100,000 loans that put a money on the kid's back that will take forever to shake.

 

[daughtersrus]

My stepson is 18 and will be graduating in a couple of weeks. We are very proud of him in most aspects - he's an overall great kid, he's intelligent, kind, and thougtful (well, pretty much so, as far as 18 year old boys go).

A little background: I am preparing to start my 4th and final year of pharmacy school. This year is all clinical rotations - meaning I'll be spending 40 hours a week in "on the job" type training, only NOT getting paid (actually, I'm paying the school on obscene amount of money for these opportunities). This means I will not be working as much (right now, I work about 30 hours a week while in school full time) and we have been preparing for a lean year. When I graduate, I fully anticipate an increase in our income of at least 4 fold and possibly close to 5 fold over what we make now - it's just that it is still a year away.

OK, so up until about 3 months ago, DSS was planning on attending community college for 2 years because he wasn't really sure what he wanted to pursue. I was thinking that was great because we could swing a few hundred dollars in August and January to help with tuition and books (and once he transferred, I would be out of school and better able to help him financially). Well, he has since decided to enroll in a private 4 year university to the tune of $17000 a year (not as bad as it could be, but still surprising to us!).

He has secured a scholarship and has applied for another grant, but as of now, his shortfall is over $6000. He has asked us to pay half (which I suppose is fair enough), with the first payment of $259 due on May 24th!! My May budget definitely does NOT include an extra $259 right now.

I need some impartial opinions because I feel a little emotional about this and I'm not sure if I'm being entirely fair. Here are some of the things I've considered:

1) I'm really putting my own education ahead of his - is this fair of me to do right now? Me not finishing school right now is NOT an option!

2) I know that my parents would have done this for me in a second - I got a full scholarship to undergrad so it was never an issue - but this makes me feel guilty (and selfish) for not being gung-ho about shelling out money we don't have right now. I will also say that I worked all throughout college - I had one job for all 4 years and a 2nd job for my last year and a half. I know he isn't me, but I also know how hard I worked when I was in school.

3) Yes, I've known college was coming for awhile - but as I said, we were prepared for about $500 to $1000 based on the community college he was considering - NOT $3000+.

4) I'm a little bitter because DSS has shown NO INTEREST in getting or keeping a job. He had one fast food job about 2 years ago and it lasted about 2-3 months. I know the job market isn't great at the moment, but it seems like he isn't even trying. I feel like if he wants to go to a school that costs this amount, he should be prepared to contribute to it - like instead of splitting $6000 in half, it should be split 3 ways, with him contributing through a part-time job for his portion. Is this completely insane of me to think?

5) Would it be incredibly insensitive/bad/wrong of me to suggest he get a small, subsidized Stafford loan to cover "our" $3000 portion this first year?

If you've stuck with me this long, thank you. I just feel like I'm not being very objective and I guess there isn't really one right answer here. I'm perfectly willing to help him out, but basically in order to do that for this year, I will have to request an increase in my own student loan and use that money to cover his education. Once I'm out of school, the amount of money won't be as much of an issue (I won't pretend it won't matter at all, but it won't be as bad as it is right now).

Any insights are appreciated. Thanks!

For our family, we told our children that we would pay for their first 2 years at our local community college and if they chose to go elsewhere, we would still contribute the same amount. Our oldest thought about it for a long time as she really wanted to go to a private college out of state. Once she realized that the tuition and room/board was going to be close to $40,000 a year (for a degree in education), she decided to take us up on the offer. She went to the community college for 2 years and we paid for books and tuition. She then transferred to the ISU (one of the best for education majors) to finish. She decided to go into SpEd and was lucky to get a tuition waiver. That left her with only room/board for 3 semesters (she moved back home to do her field base and student teaching). She is very glad that she did. She graduated in Dec with a total of $13,000 in student loans.

Our second DD is getting her AA next week from our local community college. Again, we paid for the tuition and books. It ran us about $350 a month and that was just for community college. DD#2 is also transferring to ISU in the fall also majoring in SpEd. She was not chosen for the tuition waiver (it's a lottery) so now we're scrambling. We have decided that we will take a parent plus loan to cover the difference between what she can get in a student loan and the balance. She will be applying to be an RA in the spring and if chosen, that will cover her room/board. She too will come back home to do her field base and student teaching so she'll only have the expense for 3 semesters.

I should also add that both of my girls have worked since they were 16yo. They both work over 40 hours in the summer working with special needs children through our park district. They pay for all of their gas, car insurance and their portion of the cell phone bill. We think that it's important for them to understand what it takes to have everything that they need/want.

DD#1 wasn't too happy with us in the beginning as all of her friends went away for all 4 years and none of them paid for any part of their education. Now that she's graduated and is in the 'real' world (she's a long-term sub until the end of the year and has applied to over 100 school districts), she told us that she appreciates that we paid for what we did as well as teaching her life lessons. She said that some of her friends don't show any appreciation to their parents for what they did and really didn't take school seriously.

My opinion is that your DSS made some important decisions without discussing it and now he's expecting others to work extra hard to pay for them while he's not showing any desire to work himself.

I also wanted to say Congratulations to you on your hard work. Going to school full time and working as much as you are couldn't possibly be easy.

 

[csharpwv]

I work in college admissions, I deal with situations like this just about every year. The school that I work for is in the 'most affordable' being a state school with an 'ok' scholarship programs.
My BIGGEST piece of advice to you is to assure that the school IS regionally and nationally accredited. There are SO MANY private/for profit schools out there right now that are only. All of this is to assure that this is a quality education that will be worth every dollar invested in it.
Next piece of advice - every first time freshman student, regardless of family income or situation is eligible for $5,500 in federal student loans. There is NO EXCUSE to not take these loans. They have a low, fixed interest rate, and really does make college affordable. NEXT, be sure the school has a payment plan. Most schools have some sort of payment plan option available for a very small administration fee. (It's $50.00 a year where I work)
NEXT, WORK-STUDY. I think work study is one of the best options for students and parents. For students, it gives a student friendly employment option - working around the student's school schedule, in addition it provides them with 'real life' work experience and a great start to a resume, finally it's biggest benefit is that it teaches students budget and finance. It doesn't give the money 'up front' but pays it out a little at a time which makes the student begin to understand what a regular paycheck means, and it gives them a per-week look at what they can spend and stay in budget.

With all of that being said - it IS unfair for this to have been sprung on you. It is ALSO unfair for the other set of parents of parent - to expect you and your husband to pay for half of a decision that you didn't make half of. I think you should stick to you guns on this one. Pay for 1/2 of what the student would have needed to pay at the local community college.

Students need to realize that education is not a right, and it most certainly isn't free - for anyone! All taxpayers pay for every student who has an expected family contribution of $0.00. Want to talk about unfair?
It's a classic argument of public Vs. private schools. There are so many things to think about, plan for, and budget for. One of those things is college, and that's why your student really needs to look at the amount of debt that he is willing to take on himself.

DO NOT, and I say DO NOT use retirement funds, 401K etc etc to pay for college! It is NOT a wise investment UNLESS the student is going to repay you when they are earning an income as a result of their education!!! Student loan interest rates are far less than what you are earning on your investments.
One of the best deals I know that parents have made with their student(s) is this - they take out the loans, and you pay the monthly/quarterly interest rates (on unsubsidized student loans) while they are enrolled in school so it does not build up. That buys you some time - and holds the student to this statistic: Students who are paying for school with loans, are 75% more likely to take their education seriously, and invest their time and effort in being successful in college.

Don't lose site that education IS a big investment, but it is a big investment that will pay off.

Good luck - and remember - community college is still an option. Visit both schools with your student, and make an informed decision - on a dollar for dollar basis.

 

[JeannieNM]

That buys you some time - and holds the student to this statistic: Students who are paying for school with loans, are 75% more likely to take their education seriously, and invest their time and effort in being successful in college.

Would you cite this statistic, please?

Thank you.

 

[lucigo]

For what its worth I do NOT think you should pay any more than you had expected to pay.

I have 2 kids in college right now. They have both gotten enough scholarships to pay for school. As for my part, they are welcome to live at home as long as they are in school, and I'm helping with car insurance, cell phone bills, even gas sometimes. But for the most party they are self sufficient. It can be done!

 

[steph124ny]

Here is my take.... I have a 14 year old son, a 12 year old daughter, a 4 year old daughter and one on the way. I got divorced between the older and younger and was left with a BOATLOAD of bad debt and no child support. There is no earthly way I can pay for college. My kids know that they will need to go to CC first for 2 years and will have to work to save money for their own education.

It is what it is. If he won't work...I wouldn't pay a dime. If he was trying his hardest and then needed help...I'd go out of my way to help. But not with his non-working attitude. Call me a B if you like...but that's the way it would be at my house.

 

[kyhardy]

We are having our son who graduates this year take student loans and have made this deal with him: if he makes good grades we will pay off his loans each semester, if he wants to slack off and party he can do it on his own dime. Thought this would give him some incentive to keep his nose to the grindstone more than if it was all paid for by Mom & Dad

 

[Donnainnj]

I have to agree with people that say he will value his schooling more if he has to foot the bill. As a child who went to a $30k a year school with no loans (my parents and grandparents footed the bill), I didn't care if I failed a class and had to retake it, because the money would always be there. Now my roommates who were both helping pay (or paying entirely) were VERY worried about their grades and took much more value in their education then I ever did.

As a step parent now who likely will be in a situation like this in 2 years, we will be telling my SS that we don't have the money and we wouldn't be doing it for our DDs (his half sisters) so we certainly won't be doing it for him. Though I do like the idea of saying if you graduate from college, then we will help you pay off your loans, that is something that my DH and I have talked about doing for our own kids.

Good luck! Congrats on finishing school!!

Why do I take such offense at the bolded statement? Please word it differently when you tell him, sooner rather then later is also a good idea, that way his expectations are not high. I also am reading bad feelings into the last line "our own kids". I hope I am just being overly sensitive.
Donna

 

[ideascubed]

The hardest thing for me when I was in the same situation is realizing that there are many choices out there for college. As a former professor, and high school teacher, I have some insider knowledge I'd like to share with op. There's something called CLEP, college level exemption program or something like that. Most colleges accept CLEP test scores up to 30 semester hours. All that private school, dss had should pay off for something! Anyway, help DSS look into taking those tests. How about AP classes, did he take any? BTW, the sooner he takes the tests, the better. And a review class may help improve scores. Have DSS take all the tests, SAT, ACT, and CLEP. This will help with scholarships as well. DSS may be eligible for other scholarships, but he will need to speak to his guidance counselor and the counselor at college. Please read college catalog front to back, every page, there is valuable information in there, including sources for scholarships. On FAFSA form, which is usually required anyway, dss can put in there the info about op being in college and program, that can affect fafsa as well. My experience with dd, is all parents (step included) counted.

My dd dual enrolled and it was a financial lifesaver. Dual enrollment paid for classes, books, and enabled dd to get more scholarships due to higher gpa. Anybody with high schoolers, I highly recommend investigating those options. HTH.

 

[Gillian]

Good luck with all of this! I can only imagine how frustrating these things must be, but all families have their quirks. \

Congrats on almost being finished with pharmacy school. It's a tough program, and to support your family while going through it is a fantastic accomplishment. I got my BS Pharm degree long ago and have been out of the field for a while for various reasons. I'm thinking of doing the bs to pharmD transition program before they do away with them but I am nervous about going back to school. It'll be tough with 2 kids, a job, house, health issues, etc. I guess I'm just a wimp!

 

[Kika]

It sounds like the main issue here is that it was sprung on you last minute. That stinks and is not really very fair to you and your DH.

With that said, I would try to come up with the $3000 if at all possible since it is for college (and especially since your DSS has been resourceful about finding other, additional funding and seems to be a good kid overall). $3000 for a year of private college is very reasonable request, IMHO. With THAT said, if you don't have $3000, you don't have $3000. If you can't come up with the money by fall, your DH and you could sit your DSS down and let him know that while you would love to give him the $3000, you don't have the $3000 right now, and if he takes out the subsidized loan out for that amount, you will pay it back next year (or when he graduates).

Good luck!

 

[AC7179]

Why can't you get the loan and pay the $3000? It does seem reasonable, and if your income will multiple by 4 or 5 next year, it should be no problem to pay it off then, possibly in a lump sum!

I also think you need to be careful to not tell him you can't help him and then put your younger child through a four year university paid for. I totally understand where you are coming from, as I have a five year old daughter and a 16 year old stepdaughter, and things will be MUCH easier when the five year old goes to school, but I think what you do for one, you must do for the other.

 

[MrsPete]

My BIGGEST piece of advice to you is to assure that the school IS regionally and nationally accredited. There are SO MANY private/for profit schools out there right now that are only. All of this is to assure that this is a quality education that will be worth every dollar invested in it.

This is excellent advice. A private school in my general area lost its accredidation a few years ago, and that's horrible for both the current students and those who hold diplomas. They were never known for their academic rigour anyway, and I don't really know why students chose -- with all the other options available to them -- that school anyway. You do not want to put his time and your money into a school that's going to be worthless in the long run.

There's something called CLEP, college level exemption program or something like that. Most colleges accept CLEP test scores up to 30 semester hours. All that private school, dss had should pay off for something! Anyway, help DSS look into taking those tests.

For someone else, this might be great advice . . . but CLEP tests or AP tests only happen once a year, and they're going on RIGHT NOW. My students've been out of class last week taking them, and they'll be out next week taking them. For the student in question, either he's already registered, or he has missed his window of opportunity. These tests aren't like the SAT; they aren't offered multiple times in a year.

but I think what you do for one, you must do for the other.

I disagree. In this case, the step-son has financial help from both his mother and his father/stepmother (for all we know, a stepfather might be in the picture too). The OP's daughter can't expect financial help from two households. Also, their specifics will be different when it's time for graduation. I wouldn't automatically do for one what I've done for the other.

As an example, I'll talk about my two children: My oldest has always been very academic, and she's doing superlatively well in high school. She's taking advanced-level classes and has an incredible work ethic. She's also building a great resume of extra-curriculars like student government, scouts, etc. Furthermore, she expects to go into one of the fields that's known for offering a great number of good scholarships. She is not an average student, and I expect her to get some good scholarship money. We've told her that if she does, we're going to buy her a new car for graduation. I fully expect to have to fulfill that promise.

My younger isn't a bad student -- I'd term her "strong average" -- but she doesn't have her sister's natural academic ability. She also doesn't work as hard. She has one subject that's a distinct weak point, and she doesn't stress about it too much if she fails to complete an assignment here and there. (Of course, she's not in high school yet, and she could still show marked maturity in her academics.) If she continues as she is now, she will have no problem getting into college, but she won't earn any scholarship money. If this happens, I won't feel badly about not buying her a car -- she won't have earned it.

 

[tina95]

For someone else, this might be great advice . . . but CLEP tests or AP tests only happen once a year, and they're going on RIGHT NOW. My students've been out of class last week taking them, and they'll be out next week taking them. For the student in question, either he's already registered, or he has missed his window of opportunity. These tests aren't like the SAT; they aren't offered multiple times in a year.

This is not true for Clep tests, my son has been taking cleps all during the year for the last serveral years. You only have to call the local college and register for the test.