Clashing with in-laws

[monorailsilver]

[For Cousin A, I would get her some flowers. You can get some for $5 if you look really hard & who wouldn't like flowers!!!

For the other party, make a box of brownies (<$5) & bring that. Oh & get a wooden picture frame & paint it!!!

 

[Planogirl]

I would quit giving gifts to the grownups. The kids are a little more complicated because they aren't the cause of all of this. You might want to take the high road there.

Ugh, families....

 

[scooterpig]

You guys are all so wonderful.

I am really agreeing with the idea of getting a nice card or spending $5 on a plant or flowers for Cousin A. I've seen bouquets at the grocery store, and they're actually very nice.

My husband and I just had another conversation about this. He says he wants to participate in our family more, kind of like, prove it to his family, rather than state it to them. I'm actually a bit surprised, and touched by this. He wants to be more aggressive with making a list of things that need to be done to the house/yard. He wants to form a family budget. I'm going to try and make it to some of these parties (I have avoided for a year or so now) and scale down my gift giving (kids always get a nice gift, but I'm all for grabbing chips or bringing soda to a party that is 2 hours away) I don't want to be the cause of DH seeing his family less and less (although he seems hurt as well by all of this, and it has already resulted in him seeing them less and less) This way, we don't have to be close, but we also don't have to make an issue, either.

As far as my children being treated like less than the other grandkids; this is still an issue. I guess I'll just have to put it on the back burner again for a while, and give DH a chance to put his plan into action. I have to remind myself that one of the reasons I fell in love with him was because of his gentle nature, and his ability to internalize problems rather than be so outwardly controlling and vocal ~ like my other bfs in the past had been.

Thank you all for talking to me. Your comments are all very much appreciated.

 

[riley2008]

I was reading and agreeing whole heartedly with everyone's comments - and still do on the gifting and birthday party issues, but then I saw the ages of your children.

Your oldest DD is only 8 years younger than your DH. How does she feel about the step grandparents? My father remarried when I was 18 and there is no way that my step-mother's parents would every be consider "my" grandparents and vice versa. They are great people and we like each other, but .... My brother was only 11 when our father remarried and he doesn't consider them his grandparents either. I guess it's never been an issue for us. We were much older when my mother remarried, so I certainly don't even consider any of step-dad's family mine. I've been invited (and attend) family functions, but no hard feeling there.

I guess what I'm saying is that it is really okay for you and DH to have a great marriage AND for you to get along with his parents, even though they haven't established a grandparent bond with your kids. No biggy. (What have you done to help that bond be established? It's defitnely much easier when kids are infants or toddlers as that's all they've known. For example, my boys only know my step-dad as their grandfather and that's the way it should be [they have 2 grandpas on my side of the family - my step-mother wanted to be called by her first name from my boys until her first grandbaby was born, then she asked if they could call her Mi-Mi].)

Now, your SIL's

 

[ShannonMB]

OP, sounds like you are figuring some of this out, and I'm glad for you! I would just do a "no gift for me, no gift for you" policy for the adults in all occasions and situations. Something thoughtful but CHEAP for the kids whose parents don't reciprocate. It sounds like it's a pretty big family, so I doubt if any of the cousins are starving for gifts. Really, you know how things are with your OWN family about getting gifts, and you are just learning how this family does it. Take their lead and do what they do.

The grandparents treating your kids like 2nd class citizens is REALLY hitting home with me. AND bothering me! I brought DD into our family, but I've been with DH since she was a baby. My DH is one to show up to major family functions, etc, but even though we live in the same city we don't socialize with his parents on a weekly basis, etc. On the other hand, DH's brother has 2 little girls who are 6 and 4 (my DD is 9), and they use the GPs as babysitters, so see them all the time. I guess at some point she decided that whoever sees her the most gets the most gifts.

MIL is a MAJOR control freak, and numbers everyone's Christmas gifts based on the order in which they are to be opened. And everyone has to sit around while she doles out these gifts and they are opened, one at a time, based on the number. A few Christmases ago, I was so P*#$%ED off (sorry, the word angry doesn't cut it) my face was red and I actually went in the bathroom and cried. MIL was passing out gifts. Okay, number 1, Casey. Number 2, Bella. Number 3, Casey. Number 4, Bella. Number 5, Casey. Number 6, Bella. Number 7, Lily (my DD). Lily got probably 1 gift to each of their 5 or 6. Even my FIL kept whispering to her, "give something to Lily". Her reply, "Just WAIT! I have them numbered!" My poor little DD (probably 5 at the time, whispered in my ear, "Mommy, does Gramma Lynda have any presents for me?"). GRRRRRRRRR Now I don't know if her problem is that Lily is not her "blood" GD, or if it's because we have never used them as free babysitting and therefore don't see her on as regular a basis. But I SWORE I would never subject my DD to that again. It still makes my blood boil. This also caused plenty of problems between DH and me, because his answer to it was "Oh, she gets plenty of gifts from your side of the family, and if she thinks she needs more, she's being selfish". I pointed out that my problem is NOT the amount of presents, and I can even see her getting more for Casey and Bella since she does spend more time with them and probably knows their interests better, etc. But the whole, wait in line for your number to be called and make it perfectly obvious to everyone including the 5 year old that she is being passed over, IS NOT OKAY!

Well, the next Christmas came, and in the spirit of keeping the peace, I (against my better judgement) showed up again. (And did I mention that this whole fiasco has to take place on Christmas DAY, never mind that I would like to start our own family Christmas traditions). I believe my BIL and his wife actually spoke to my MIL about the whole situation, because it has gotten better each year, and SIL actually pulled me aside last year and said to me, "Thank goodness Lynda seems to be being a little less ridiculous with the gift giving lately!" I never said anything to anyone about it, but it was just SO obvious, they must have stepped in. Heaven knows my DH didn't, which I am still bitter about. Mama's boy!!!! GRRRR Thanks for dredging that up for me, OP. Now I'm mad at DH!!!

Sorry so long, AND no advice. Guess I just had to vent about that, too. Step or no, I know I will always treat all my *grands* the same, if I'm lucky enough to be blessed with them!

 

[Bren's Mom]

OP, in our home we believed that families are designed...not born. When you love someone and choose to have them as a permanent part of your life and home...they're family.

Dh and I have been together 10 years this coming August. Next month will be our 5th wedding anniversary. We have a loving, committed, happy life together. He brought to our marriage a son, we had a 2nd son together. From the moment we chose to be together in a long term committed relationship, that first child was 'ours'. To us, that meant me family could choose to be a part of our lives, or not, but that we were a package deal. We got no resistance from any of my family members, ever, and I don't expect that we would have...but they knew right up front this was it. Once our 2nd son was born, we let everyone know that gifts for holidays were never required nor expected, but that if they chose to bring one for one child, they had to bring one for both. It is what it is, our job is to protect and love BOTH of our children and we do. Thankfully, our extended families embrace this.

(And for the record, we believe this goes the other way as well...I accept and embrace my stepson's mother. She is a part of my family, the family *I chose* to have. I'm not always her biggest fan, but I am kind and cordial and welcoming to her. I attend events that her family has when my dh wants to attend and wants me and our little one to be at. Because that is what families do, we support one another.)

It is up to your dh's family to set the ground rules for his family. It's fine for no gifts to be exchanged, but he needs to let his brother and his parents know that if they are going to give gifts out, they cannot exclude the kids of the same age group just because they're not 'his'. So, if they only give gifts to kids under 18...then your 21 year old shouldn't expect one. But if they are giving one to the brother's 21 year old (if there were one) then they'd be expected to give one to yours...or choose to wait until you and your kids weren't there. If it were me, I'd just tell my parents that if they can't comply with this...we won't be there on the holiday.

As for inviting these people to your children's birthdays...if your dh wants them there then invite them...they're his family. If they don't bring a gift, oh well. Feel free to watch their kids carefully, though, and to say something if their behavior is destructive!

As for going to the cousin's 30th b-day...go if your dh wants you to go. Bring a small gift, the $5 flowers is perfect, and a nice card. Your dh will appreciate your effort, and that's all that counts...it's only one night of your life...but your relationship with your dh needs to be cared for until the end of your life.

 

[book_junkie]

Something else you may want to consider is that they may never warm up to your kids, and never act the way we think they're "supposed" to- this has happened with acquaintances of mine who have been in your shoes (previous kids into new 'families' where they weren't quite as accepting) and in my family situations... Something that helped me (I don't have kids- whole different kettle of fish) aside from talking to my hubbie about it was getting a couple of books from my local library about button pushers and figuring out HOW they pushed my buttons and why, and I worked to rewire my buttons so that those people can't press them any more- certain things won't trigger the smash my fist into your face response. Nasty to kids is a whole different level- but maybe working to figure out why the other issues tick you off so much might help? Just a thought....

Then again, I've also avoid certain relatives for a few years for some incidents that are beyond rude, so, hey...

What I've done is sent gifts to the kids in families who are talking to me, cards to the ones who aren't, and donations to a particular charity in the person's name for anyone over 18 for the holidays (last holiday our donations were made to food banks). For birthdays since we're in Texas and the rest of the family is scattered, we send e-cards or birthday cards, and if/when we get together we celebrate then by going out to dinner or something. If it's a child, then there's a gift sent on time, what we can afford.

I'm glad your DH is willing to make the effort to step in and step up and start treating the situation like it should be. Hopefully he'll be able to make his family realize that these kids are ALL his kids and therefore all THEIR family, and they better start being TREATED like all the family. I understand about not wanting to be the person inbetween him and his family (OH BOY do I understand), but when they start mistreating KIDS, that's a different matter entirely....

hugs and happy thoughts your way...

 

[aduck126]

i would go to the cousins pub party, but just not bring a gift. i feel like that would piss her off more than not going at all. Especially because she lists gift ideas, so incredably rude.

i would skip the 4 hour drive for the birthday party, that would just not be an option. Maybe send her a card, with nothing in it of course.

i had a similiar situation with my DH and his family for the portrait. They did a family portrait and we were engaged and were like a month out from the wedding but i wasn't allowed to be in the picture(we dated 4 years prior to getting married as well). and of course they have the family wall of pictures (probably about 20 pics) they are all of his brothers and their wives and they don't have any of me. all the pictures of DH are of him by himself.

 

[aduck126]

When her only daughter had her baby shower, the mother didn't even bring her camera. She didn't even bring her camera to her sons (and my) wedding either. She grabbed a couple shots on her cell phone.

I mean, who does that?

my mil told me that she wanted to show me the pics from our wedding not even kidding there was 1 picture of me getting my hair done the rest were all of my DH's brothers and her grandson. They didn't have any ceremony pics, not even a pic of us together! it was ridiculous. There was like 15 pics from the wedding (none of us) then the rest of the roll of film was of when they went to visit Dh's other brother and pics of their family and his kids. Its not that they dont just like me, it seems like they don't like DH that much either

they had more pictures of my brother in law's dog than they had of their own sons wedding!!!!

 

[eliza61]

For the past 4 years, we've gone to DHs uncles house for Christmas eve. We give gifts to the children there, which would be his 2 young cousins (9&10 y.o.) and his 3 adult cousins kids. His aunt does the same for our children, but his cousins never do. For our DD's birthday, we invited the in-laws. Cousin "A" and her DH and DS came, and again brought no gift. They also let thier DS peel the rubber duck wall decals off my bathroom, and throw rocks in our in-ground pool.
.

Would you go?
Would you gift?
Would you continue to invite them to your own kids parties?

________________________________________________________________

Onto the sister in law. Another gem.

Every year, for the past 4 years, we have also exchanged xmas gifts with the brother and sil at his parents house. Adults and children. This past year, since no one said any differently, we spent about $65 on them, and we received a home printed picture of the 2 girls in an acrylic (think $1) frame.

The brother and sil live 2 hours away from us now. It is thier DDs 9th bday. They are having a Memorial/Bday party for her, and like every party sil ever hosted, she asks that everyone bring a dish to share. I don't do this. If I host a party, I provide the food. It would be totally different if it were a joint idea, or a bbq on the 4th of July, but if it is for your own child, I don't think the guests should have to bring food. Not only that, but just to attend would cost us 4 hours driving time and gas, plus a gift. Plus food? When is enough, too much?


I've been letting it slide, but I'm hurt, and that hurt has turned into bitterness. How would you feel? What would you do? Thanks, in advance.

By the way, we are all pretty much equal, financially. No one sticks out as having substantially more or less to me.

Op,
I have pretty much one sort of silly rule that I remember all the time when dealing with family and believe me, my family is a dozy!!!

You cannot determine peoples behaviour, you can only determine your response to it

So here are a few of my general rules when dealing with family.

1) I love children, I don't like rude, ill behaved destructive little monsters. Destroying property in my house is never allowed. I try not to discipline other peoples children but I do discipline out of control guest. If you don't take control of kid destroying my house, I WILL!!

2) Enough is too much when you decide not to do it. I actually had a neice a few summers ago, get married. Girlfriend sent me an invite to the shower with my gift picked out!! She had the nerve to tell me she knew my dh and I could afford it and wanted to make sure she got exactly what she wanted. I would tell you what I said to that but this is a family show.


3)IMO, gift giving is a way to show your appreciation of some one or a congratulations etc. I have never felt it was mandatory. I too rarely invite people over my house and ask them to bring a dish unless it is a "pot luck". If I invite folks over for dinner as a general rule I supply the food and drink. I have had guest ask if they could bring any thing but I've never invited then said bring food. So I would probably jsut bring a gift for the birthday person and that's it.

Remember: Good friends are God's way of making up for our family.

 

[melancholywings]

Is it a cultural thing for the BIL's wife to have family bring food? DD has a friend who has a huge family and when they get together for anything it's normal for everyone to bring lots of food. So I don't think it's tacky - it's just different.

The family that only gave a picture - is it possible they are having money issues? Or find the gift giving stressful? I'm pushing for a 'home made' xmas this year. Some of my family might fight it less exciting. I don't care - I worked hard on my gifts and money is tight.

As for the inlaws. As for all the parties if you're not reving to go I'd opt out and mail a gift to the 9 year old. Or if your DH really wants to attend have him do the leg work.

 

[ShannonMB]

my mil told me that she wanted to show me the pics from our wedding not even kidding there was 1 picture of me getting my hair done the rest were all of my DH's brothers and her grandson. They didn't have any ceremony pics, not even a pic of us together! it was ridiculous. There was like 15 pics from the wedding (none of us) then the rest of the roll of film was of when they went to visit Dh's other brother and pics of their family and his kids. Its not that they dont just like me, it seems like they don't like DH that much either

they had more pictures of my brother in law's dog than they had of their own sons wedding!!!!

OMG, I think we need a new sticky called "OT-MY MIL is a crazy person!" One more thing about mine. She and FIL came over to our house last summer for a cookout. DD was dying to show her the scrapbook her class had made at the end of the year. She tried to show her, and after barely glancing at it, MIL pushes it aside and whips out a stack of 400 pictures of the birds and other random wildlife in her yard. Yes I know you are a bird lover/watcher/picture taker. If you could pretend to be interested in my DD's project she couldn't wait to show you, then I can pretend to be interested in your bird pictures for the next hour and a half.

 

[annsteere]

Apparently this is a minority opinon, but I think some of what bugs you about your MIL is asking a lot.

A grandchild is the child of your child. Children that you had with another man don't meet that definition. It would be nice if she built a family relationship with them at this point, but stop beating your head against the wall that she doesn't consider them grandchildren. Maybe your DH can dream up a word with her that would describe your kids in a way that fits.

A family photo that doesn't include a live-in makes sense. You weren't family at the time.

You ARE family now. Try to work out a future that makes sense for all of you.

Look to ways to build a future with these folks that works for everyone.

Achieving that with the SILs might be a challenge. . . .

 

[MommaluvsDis]

I truly don't know how I've survived my mother-in-law for the 27 (almost) years my DH and I have been married.

Dh had a previous marriage which resulted in a wonderful son. Not a problem with me, I knew ALL of this going in. I did the best I could do. I had no children and had never been married before DH. We had 2 sons together. Up until nine years ago when DMIL moved into one of our houses, she called our birth children "Your Children" when she spoke of them to me. Her first GS was just that, her GS.

This went on, as I said until she moved into our smaller home and I started taking care of her, she's 91. Now, she goes out of her way to do equally for all 3 boys.

I said all of that to say this: I put up with her "stuff" and hurt for a lot of years because of DH who, of course, loves us all dearly.


Did he try to talk to her? Countless times. I love him all the more for that. She did something right.

 

[Evi]

Four hours is too long to drive with food in the car, especially if milk based. I would go with a small gift or giftcard and just show up. I would explain that you are not bringing a dish because of the drive time. If they complain, tell them you'll be bringing a bottle of soda or bag of chips and that's it.

Have you ever thought of getting together and saying just gifts for the children under 18 at Christmas time? It might save everyone some cash and hassle of finding gifts for adults, especially if they are picky people.

As for the 30 year old's party, just show up and party. I don't think 30 is a big gift giving party except for her husband and children to give to her. If there's a scene about no gift, just tell them that funds are really tight right now and you figured she'd like your presence more than a gift. I've used it and really puts people silent and think about what's important to them stuff or family.

What about hosting a party at McDonalds for your kids where they do all the clean up and there's nothing for your guests to damage or ruin?

you said everything I would say to a t. Don't stress it and follow plan given above.

 

[scooterpig]

Omg Aduck, just omg. You're so beautiful, if you were my DIL I'd plaster pics of you and my son everywhere. That being said, your BIL's dog must be quite a handsome character as well. Tough call there. Especially if the pooch was formally dressed.

Well, we went to COUSIN As party last night. I actually pushed to go, DH was feeling lazy. His cousin is his age though, and they have some friends in common, and we don't really visit much or see any friends at all, so, I wanted us to go. Also, our DD21 and her bf went. We really had fun too. We brought a gift, and signed if from DH & I as well as DD & her bf. The gift was inexpensive, but something I think she'll like (Pandora style bracelet) I brought a camera, and good thing, too, because no one else seemed to. The birthday girl had a blast, but oddly enough, she pulled me aside to tell me that her own father and her (step) mother spoke with her earlier that day, and did not even wish her a happy birthday. It took very little effort on my part to show up, and I do think she really appreciated it. I'm going to take a guess that at one time or another, almost everyone in the family has had their feelings hurt, or have had to turn the other cheek at being overlooked or underappreciated. I think if I lower my expectations, I might be ok.

I even sang karoke. I'm glad I went.

 

[OceanAnnie]

You sang karaoke? I bet you did have fun! Good for you for going and being a good sport. I'm sure it was appreciated.

I'm the camera person in the family too.