Brother’s Day of Reckoning has come [a long rant]

[Rainman415]

I also have one of those BIL. He has lived with pretty much everyone in the family at least once, until he wears out his welcome. Last November once again he has been fired from his job, recently divorced and no longer has a place to live. So what do I say to my husband??? It's cold out and almost Christmas honey...we can't let him live on the street. My husband says we will regret it but I say, we can't turn away family. Well guess who was right?? He told us when he moved in that it's just for 6 weeks so he can get another job and save money for rent. Every day all he does is watch tv. Well 4 months later we confront him and let him know he has one month to find a job and a place to live. He tells us he doesn't have to take us talking to him like that. So we tell him you have a choice....find a job or go. He chose to pack his things and leave right then. Then he goes in the garage and calls my husband out there and threatens to beat him up....lol.....mind you they are both in their early 40's. Then he gets in his car and instead of saying thanks for giving me a place to live for free....he proceeds to flip off my husband all the way down the block for all my neighbors to see. This has been going on for at least 20 years. No one can help him. He must help himself. Of course he believes that none of this is his fault, and says we blame him for everything. So he immediately moves to Nashville to make it big in the music industry, find a job and within 2 weeks is fired again. Again, not his fault. There's so much I could go on for weeks. This person is no longer welcome in my home. I don't want him around my children. I fear he will be living like this for the rest of his days. It's sad, but until he takes responsibility for his actions, he will continue to live this way. OP....you are doing the right thing.

 

[disykat]

Not saying he was pushed in a stroller at age 11, but it reminds me once again to teach my kids to expect more of themselves.

It's really sad that he never learned how to be self sufficient and hold himself accountable. That's a big lesson that more and more people don't seem to be learning!

 

[disneychic2]

We all want to think of our siblings or other family members as being basically decent people. Unfortunately, many are only fooling themselves. OP, you have done what you can for your brother and that knowledge should comfort you now, when you are at the end of your rope. It truly is enabling his behavior every time he gets bailed out of his messes and it helps no one. I'm glad you are done with that and moving on. As a pp said, get him off of your cell phone plan ASAP. My only brother died when he was 18 and I can't really imagine what it would be like to have to turn my back on him, had he turned out like your brother. Be strong. Be encouraged. Be at peace. You are doing the right thing. Prayers to you.

 

[crisi]

Yep. Be at peace with yourself. If you are having problems letting go, you might want to try AlAnon. Even if he isn't an addict, you have been codependent.

 

[thegilchrists]

I am right there with you! But in our case it is our son and DIL. Now , mind you , they are in their early twenties......but this is where they are headed.
We are raising their children as they were taken away due to the filth they were living in............we have paid their bills( most recently $700 in utilities)since we were trying to help them out and put their utilites in my name. DIL is 3rd generation public assistance and her mom gave birth to her in prison for drugs. All in all, we have given them right at $8500 in the last year or so.
No thank you, no effort to find jobs, if they have a penny in their pocket they are blowing it on some selfish stupid thing for THEM not the kids.
Did not mean to thread jack but you are doing the right thing........do not let anyone tell you otherwise. We are not well off by any means but scrimped and saved so the grandbabies could have something and in the end, we just enabled the losers-yes I called my kid a loser.......don't bash me but after 4 years of trying to help and doing for them and the grandbabies...we have had enough.
They may grow up SOMEDAY.....they may not. We have done what we can and will do no more to help them until they begin helping themselves.
Every family has one or more of these personalities.....you have to do what is best for YOU and YOUR Husband and YOUR kids.

HUGS TO YOU((((((goodvibes)))))))
You are not alone!

Sherri

 

[MomiTo2SwtGuys]

Sad situation. I don't understand why some people choose to live this way. It reminds me of my MIL. I hope he can get back on his feet. You should not be responsible for him though. Good luck! Prayers and best wishes.

 

[TLuvsD]

So sorry you are dealing with this, I think you are making good decisions...at some point his life is his responsibility.

 

[DisGirl819]

Oh my, that sounds like my brother's future. He's almost 30 and my mom is a complete enabler. He's never learned to live on his own, he lives on excuses and my parents. I think you've done everything you can to help him turn his life around and he has chosen his path and chosen to keep living his life of irresponsibility. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your family.

 

[momof1princess]

i'm so sorry, OP please don't feel guilty, you've done everything you can for your brother; it's time for him to help himself.

i know how you feel...my mom is just like him. my grandmother, who is now 82 years old, is STILL helping my mom pay her bills, because mom's SSD doesn't stretch quite far enough. don't get me wrong, when my mom worked, she worked really hard, BUT, she has no idea how to manage money, and now has NO savings or 401K to fall back on-she blew it all on her loser ex-BF. we all chip in from time-to-time and get her whatever she needs-groceries, medical co-pays, gas money, etc. when my grandmother dies, i don't know what mom will do, because none of us can afford to pay her bills. it's going to be ugly.

 

[MEM]

Dear OP,

I also feel you are doing the right thing. If someone always bails out your brother then he has no reason to grow up and become a responsible citizen. My parents were always horrible with money and even as 45 year old adults with 4 kids they were always baled out by one or more of their parents. My sister seems to be the only one who inherited that gene. My two brothers and I are extremely careful with our money. I can't send my mother cash but I can send her things she needs, offer to buy her new eyeglasses, shoes, etc. and promise her that she'll never be homeless. Unfortunately DSis now lives with her so there's two money mis-managers sharing a household.

 

[fkj2]

I don't think the OP was 'trashing' her brother at all - she was pointing out the pattern of poor decision, and bringing to light that she is at the end of her rope with him.

I can think someone is the biggest idiot on the face of the earth, and still pray for them.

The op's brother defies reason.

You keep doing what you done, you keep getting what you got.

The brother has no incentive to modify his behavior if the OP continues to bail him out. Personally, some people can't change; they're content to bump along and hope someone else will bail them out. I think we can admit we all know someone like that. At some point, for your own sanity, it's time to cut 'em loose or the drama goes on and on and on....

 

[seashoreCM]

Don't throw good money after bad.

Don't pay his rent for him, all that does is make the landlord one month richer and you one month poorer.

Have you done some Googling about "tough love" yet?

 

[Topper]

This has nothing to do with the Budget Board. No matter how any of you try to spin it.

 

[mrsklamc]

Many many things are on the budget board that are unrelated to budgeting; but I would guess op posted this here because she has posted other issues w/ her brother before that were budget related and is sharing the follow up.