Brother’s Day of Reckoning has come [a long rant]

[JamesMom]

I have written about my brother about a year ago and now his poor decisions have come up to bite him in the rear and we are going to let it. Thanks in advance for letting me share this story with people who might understand.

Background – He lives in a rented trailer with his dog. He worked as a local delivery driver for a company since 2002. In 2006 the corporate grapevine spoke of moving the company to Mexico. My brother did nothing to prepare. In 2008 half of the staff was let go. My brother did nothing. In March 2009 he was laid off. Wow. Didn’t see that coming…

And my brother did nothing. Not even when our mother was wasting away in a nursing home 15 minutes from his house. He visited her a whole four times during her last year while I handled all her affairs and my family. One of his few visits was the day she died in February 2010.

This whole time he has lived off of $1300 month unemployment for the Texas max of 93 weeks submitting the bare minimum to keep the checks rolling. In other words, didn’t really look for work. Last unemployment check was Dec 2010. This happens to be the month his driver’s license was due. His last DWI of 2001 (one of several) showed up on his record and needed to pay $200 fine to get it cleared. He refused. So he has no license to look for a job in his field – driving. His car, a 1986 model, broke down in August of 2010 and has sat idle in his driveway since. He still smokes and drinks which he admits costs him $300 a month and has an $80 monthly Direct TV bill…

In early February 2011 – I finished settling my mom’s estate (of which she left NOTHING to my brother, smart woman) and offered either a new car or cash to my brother out of my share (I also shared with my other not-mentioned siblings – read my previous posts if interested). Broke, he took the cash.

Fast forward to July 2011 and he is broke again, but has a drug-addicted girlfriend (his words – so guess where my mom’s money went…) – car still not fixed, no driver’s license (but has state ID) and he is 48 hours from being evicted. He is 2 months behind on rent and can’t move into a friends unit because he lives in the same complex. The landlord would file eviction paperwork on anyone who houses a person behind on rent or evicted. So, he calls his sister (Me) for the first time in a month. Like a schmuck – we pay his back rent with the advice to move ASAP as there is NO MORE MONEY from us.

He claims he got a job (only say he ‘claims’ because if you were out of work for 2+ years, wouldn’t you be screaming from the roof tops that you got employment!! I didn’t hear a peep from this guy until the eviction was about to go through –curious) washing dishes but ‘hurt’ his back 2 weeks in and ‘might’ need surgery. He is filing for Social Security Disability. The position is hourly and he is in too much pain to work. His cell phone is on our account and we have paid his share this whole time. Now I refuse to answer the phone and listen to more excuses, but I needn’t worry – he hasn’t called even to thank us for bailing him out after the check cleared. He can leave a message.

This Friday – rent is due again. If he doesn’t pay it (and he can’t – not working and charity won’t pay $575 in one go) and if hasn’t moved – then he can’t move into his local friends places because of the Landlords rules about housing people behind on rent/evicted. Hope the shelter is safe.

My prayers go out to him and hope he is safe, but we can do no more.
His decisions have led him to this place. He cannot move in with us because his values and behavior are not those I want around my kids (drinking, smoking, swearing, references to sex & drugs, etc…) and we don’t want him disrupting our lives so he doesn’t have to disrupt his. BTW – he will turn SIXTY in December.

Thanks for letting me rant. I have lost sleep over this, but I know I am doing the right thing – but like a parent, I have to let him make his own mistakes as an adult and it’s hard to watch.

 

[bdcp]

Way past time for him to grow up, be an adult and take care of himself. I agree, you've gone way beyond what is necessary. He's proven how irresponsible he is. Don't let him pull you down with him. You warned him so let him figure it out for himself.

 

[bumbershoot]

Oh my goodness. You've been very kind to him. Hopefully this will be his rock bottom and he can go up from here.

 

[sydneysmom]

First off, take a deep breath and give yourself a HUGE hug. You are no longer CHOOSING to be an enabler. GOOD FOR YOU !!! I'm so sorry about your mother. I know that you must be in so much pain from that, and this certainly doesn't help.

In my opinion, you are doing the right thing for YOU and your family. Eventually, he may see that you did the right thing by him too. You seem to have given him every opportunity to turn his life around, and HE has chosen not to. HE made those choices. YOU must make yours. It sounds like it was a very painful decision, but hold firm to what decision you made. Because if you let him make you feel bad and you cave in, he will be able to roll all over you any time he wants. This might be the kick in the **** he needs to turn his own life around.

My prayers are with you..... I wish you the best of luck and much love.

 

[mrsklamc]

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is let people lie in the bed they've made.

 

[mousebymarriage]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know it's hard but, I think it's time your brother learn to stand on his own two feet or suffer the consequences of his laziness.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

My heart goes out to you. What a difficult situation you are in. I do not blame you for not helping him as he clearly does not have his priorities in order.

 

[csharpwv]

OP your brother sounds a lot like my Mom's youngest brother.
I didn't meet him until I was a junior in high school, he had been in prison the whole time.
He is a very bright person, but he always used his intelligence to stay a step ahead of the authorities.
When he was in the military, he went AWOL. He ended up on his parents door step. His dad, and a friend of the family loaded him in the car - and drove him 18 hours back to the base. On the way home, his dad and friend stopped off at another family member's home to catch some sleep before make the 16 hour drive back. He beat them back home.
He once stole my Mom's car, wrecked it, and claimed to not know what happened to it.... the keys were in his pocket, along with a traffic violation from the accident.
He was released from prison in the late 1990's and was back in a few short years later on parole violations, theft of a car, forgery, and a various other slate of offenses.
After he got out once again, the calls resumed for money, for a ride, for anything.
He never sent letters, he never sent a birthday card, he never wanted to be around unless it was of benefit to him.
He is a liar, a thief, and a bum.
When my Mom passed away on May 1st of this year, her older brother was going to get the younger brother released for 1 day to attend the funeral. My Dad stepped up and said NO -absolutely not. It was what Mom would have wanted, and by her NOT answering the phone when he called over the last year - she wanted nothing to do with him.

There comes a time when you have to say - enough is enough.
It is with confidence that I say that I am 100% sure your brother was never involved in your life, a role model to your children, or a source of price for your parents. Barely getting by, belief that the world (and your entire family) owes you something, and the total inability to be responsible for anything are all capstones of this type of person.

In all reality - he is a loser, and you have given him every opportunity for him to pick himself up, dust off, and start fresh.

With people like that, it is always the fault of someone else. There is never a mirror for them to look in and see that they put their life on its ultimate course, and they chose their destination.

Don't you dare feel guilty either - you have helped, you have tried, and you have given him every opportunity.

If you are smart, you will discontinue his cell service as well.

I just don't understand how someone can have so little pride in themselves.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Eh, they will be lucky if they can evict him. Either way it is his mess. What should be easy isn't. I do find it a bit off to be both offering up prayers for someone while trashing them on a msg board.

 

[MPLsDad]

You've done the right thing. You've lost your mom and suffered through your brother's bad decisions. You've given so much. Let the pain of all of this leave you and live your life knowing that you've tried to help. May I make one small suggestion and take down this thread before someone posts a dissenting opinion that makes you feel otherwise...STAY STRONG!!!!

 

[bettymae1121]

Sounds like he's just trying to "coast" until he can apply for SS early retirement at age 62.

 

[mjantz]

Your have my sympathy. I expect we'll be hearing from my SIL once my in-laws are gone & they can't bail her out anymore. I have wondered how many times she would have been homeless if not for their interventions. DH & I have decided we will keep our doors open to her kids (who thankfully seem to be on different paths) but we will not enable her in any way. If she ends up homeless so be it. The gravy train will be gone.

 

[csharpwv]

Eh, they will be lucky if they can evict him. Either way it is his mess. What should be easy isn't. I do find it a bit off to be both offering up prayers for someone while trashing them on a msg board.

I don't think the OP was 'trashing' her brother at all - she was pointing out the pattern of poor decision, and bringing to light that she is at the end of her rope with him.

I can think someone is the biggest idiot on the face of the earth, and still pray for them.

The op's brother defies reason.

 

[figment3258]

My heart goes out to you. I grew up with a half sister and half brother both are much older than me and my dad was always bailing them both out and nothing ever changed until my dad passed away and my mom wouldn't help them very bad situations fast forward 8 years and my brother drank himself to death and the half sisterly and out of mental hospitals unemployed and loves living off the system the swerving is they both had kids it's hard o watch family suffer but some times it's the only thing you can do.

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

Wow, my mom's brother has a twin IMHO you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from the situation. He needs to take care of himself.

FWIW, my mom's brother ended up living in a homeless shelter for a while. Even that wasn't enough inspiration for him to get a job Some people never change.

 

[nunzia]

You know..you can only do what you can do and you've done more. We have people like this come in EVERY DAY insisting they get helped..some nicely, some not so. I'm sorry, but I hope he doesn't get disability..I hope he wises up and at least finds a way to take care of himself for a couple more years..at which time he will start sucking Social Security out of the system as well..

 

[bumbershoot]

...while trashing them on a msg board.

Describing someone's own actions isn't trashing them.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I have written about my brother about a year ago and now his poor decisions have come up to bite him in the rear and we are going to let it. Thanks in advance for letting me share this story with people who might understand.

Background – He lives in a rented trailer with his dog. He worked as a local delivery driver for a company since 2002. In 2006 the corporate grapevine spoke of moving the company to Mexico. My brother did nothing to prepare. In 2008 half of the staff was let go. My brother did nothing. In March 2009 he was laid off. Wow. Didn’t see that coming…

And my brother did nothing. Not even when our mother was wasting away in a nursing home 15 minutes from his house. He visited her a whole four times during her last year while I handled all her affairs and my family. One of his few visits was the day she died in February 2010.

This whole time he has lived off of $1300 month unemployment for the Texas max of 93 weeks submitting the bare minimum to keep the checks rolling. In other words, didn’t really look for work. Last unemployment check was Dec 2010. This happens to be the month his driver’s license was due. His last DWI of 2001 (one of several) showed up on his record and needed to pay $200 fine to get it cleared. He refused. So he has no license to look for a job in his field – driving. His car, a 1986 model, broke down in August of 2010 and has sat idle in his driveway since. He still smokes and drinks which he admits costs him $300 a month and has an $80 monthly Direct TV bill…

In early February 2011 – I finished settling my mom’s estate (of which she left NOTHING to my brother, smart woman) and offered either a new car or cash to my brother out of my share (I also shared with my other not-mentioned siblings – read my previous posts if interested). Broke, he took the cash.

Fast forward to July 2011 and he is broke again, but has a drug-addicted girlfriend (his words – so guess where my mom’s money went…) – car still not fixed, no driver’s license (but has state ID) and he is 48 hours from being evicted. He is 2 months behind on rent and can’t move into a friends unit because he lives in the same complex. The landlord would file eviction paperwork on anyone who houses a person behind on rent or evicted. So, he calls his sister (Me) for the first time in a month. Like a schmuck – we pay his back rent with the advice to move ASAP as there is NO MORE MONEY from us.

He claims he got a job (only say he ‘claims’ because if you were out of work for 2+ years, wouldn’t you be screaming from the roof tops that you got employment!! I didn’t hear a peep from this guy until the eviction was about to go through –curious) washing dishes but ‘hurt’ his back 2 weeks in and ‘might’ need surgery. He is filing for Social Security Disability. The position is hourly and he is in too much pain to work. His cell phone is on our account and we have paid his share this whole time. Now I refuse to answer the phone and listen to more excuses, but I needn’t worry – he hasn’t called even to thank us for bailing him out after the check cleared. He can leave a message.

This Friday – rent is due again. If he doesn’t pay it (and he can’t – not working and charity won’t pay $575 in one go) and if hasn’t moved – then he can’t move into his local friends places because of the Landlords rules about housing people behind on rent/evicted. Hope the shelter is safe.

My prayers go out to him and hope he is safe, but we can do no more.
His decisions have led him to this place. He cannot move in with us because his values and behavior are not those I want around my kids (drinking, smoking, swearing, references to sex & drugs, etc…) and we don’t want him disrupting our lives so he doesn’t have to disrupt his. BTW – he will turn SIXTY in December.

Thanks for letting me rant. I have lost sleep over this, but I know I am doing the right thing – but like a parent, I have to let him make his own mistakes as an adult and it’s hard to watch.

Life is difficult for many, you have tried your very best and he does not "get it" Lets just pray that he one day can appreciate all your help and that he can get the help NOW that he truly needs to lead a productive life in society...We can only hope....
Best of luck to you and your family. It is not easy being the sibling of such a person as he.

 

[JamesMom]

OP, here.

Thanks for all the posts. Honestly, I was suprised by the (mostly) favorable responses. I guess I was expecting for people to call me heartless for letting him live on the street, lol. Families should, in most circumstances, look out for each other, but sometimes you just have to let them go. It's hard because my family isn't close and my brother and Aunt are pretty much the only family I have contact with - everyone else has faded out or is dead. So to 'lose' another family member is sad.
My Aunt and I have shaken our heads for years (decades) over my brother's actions. My mom was the same way in terms of blaming others while taking the easy road - which in our opinion, isn't that easy when you see where the road leads in the end.
Sigh. Oh well. Hopefully this will be an object lesson for my children as to what not to do, as it was for me.
Thanks again for listening!

 

[lovehoney]

Your post brought me to tears. It must be hard to see someone you love making such bad decisions. I think you can still have love in your heart for someone and let them go. That's what makes it so hard.