boyfriends/girlfriends sleeping over each others house

[Pea-n-Me]

I think she made a good decision. Too many parents these days seem to be afraid to tell their kids no once in awhile.

The problem is, he's a man now.

 

[RitaE]

Seriously? We're going to start calling 18 year old women Skanks because they are having sexual activity with their boyfriends?

Just curious but if this girl is a skank (which is not something I agree with at all) then what kind of names are we going to start calling the OP's son?

 

[ICF]

Except we're talking about an 18 year old who will probably be moving out soon. And if it were me, I would want to give my son room to spread his wings while he's still at home, rather than keeping him under strict rules until he leaves and then setting him free with absolutely no boundaries.

There is big difference between giving your son no freedom and allowing him to have a sleepover with his gf.

Clearly he's had some freedom as he's been sleeping with this girl for awhile now and mom didnt lock him away someplace once she found out or forbid them from seeing each other.

 

[WDW in Pearls]

I may be alone here, but I think you made the right choice.

My mother was just as strict with me when I was 18, and I don't resent her one bit. In fact, I love her for it. All of the kids who had "cool moms" are still hanging out at the bar working dead end jobs and smoking half of their body weight in weed per day.

I, on the other hand, had a totally awful mom who didn't condone sex in high school (kids will do it anyway, yes, but parents don't need to be so accommodating!), I couldn't stay over guys houses, etc. and I'm working a great job, working towards my masters, and am in a serious and healthy relationship. No kids yet, but when it's time I know she'll be a great grandma. Did I think she was the worst woman ever back in high school? YES. But it didn't take me long to learn.

This girl doesn't sound like she will stick around long. I know her type, unfortunately. Needs constant attention, so much so that DS can't have hobbies that don't involve her. Let it run its course.

 

[ICF]

The problem is, he's a man now.

Why cause he's 18?

If he's a "man" he should be able to support himself and not live off the support of his mom/dad.

 

[WDW in Pearls]

Why cause he's 18?

If he's a "man" he should be able to support himself and not live off the support of his mom/dad.

This. And pretty much all of your responses thus far. I'm assuming you're a parent yourself or the product of good parenting.

On a side note, when is it EVER ok to tell someone that they're a bad mother?? Take it easy people! I know it's easy to say hurtful things on the Internet without consequence, but remember that there's a human on the other side of the screen.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Her actions are purely skanky.

I don't know if that's a fair assessment from what we know. (Wait - from what we've been told.) Granted, probably not great judgement on her part sending nude pics, but it sounds like they're in a relatively long term, committed relationship.

skanky

the act of looking cheap, dirty and nasty.
also acting (rhymes with nutty)

 

[LittleMissMagic]

op here...

i have had the sex talk with my ds over and over so he does know about "safe" sex and that i feel he shouldn't be having sex at all right now. everyone is right, if he wants to he will do it anyway, but i don't feel as though i have to condone it or enable it by sending him off with open arms to spend the night with his g/f. if he wants to spend nights with her then he needs to get employment that will allow him to move out and do the things he wants to do.


it is not so much the fact that they will have sex (regardless of the mothers "supervision" if they want to do it they will and im sure she will go to sleep at some point in the evening) it's the principal that i am saying go ahead and sleep over your g/f's house. where does it end? so yes, this friday is prom. next month he wants to go stay the week there. then it's oh we were at a late movie and i dont feel like coming home.

Where does it end? Right where you say it does. You're the parent, and despite your sons age, you are absolutely in charge of the rules in your house. However, your son wants one night - his prom night. You can give him one night without giving him infinity. If he spends the night at her house when he doesn't have permission, punish him. Take away his car keys. Ground him for a week. You can give him one night and still maintain complete control.

My suggestion is that if you don't like the idea of your son spending the night with his gf at their lake house, come up with another idea - a compromise. What are his guy friends doing? Why don't you rent a house and stay with the boys, and the gf's mom stays with the girls. Or if you don't want your son going to the shore, suggest that his guy friends can spend the night at your house and the girls can stay until 3am (that's the hour we kicked the boys out at my little sister's prom party last year).

If you tell your son no and don't offer any alternatives, he's going to be very upset with you. It's also somewhat last minute to be saying no to these plans which it sounds like he's had for some time. Prom night seems so ridiculous looking back at it years later, but right now, it's very important to him and everyone else his age - it's something they've really been looking forward to.

 

[pookybean]

i have told him that if he is having sex with her that

1. he does not respect her
2. he does not respect her mother (as they are sneaking in her house)
3. he does not respect himself

he should not keep the pictures that she sent him. he should tell her not to take them or he should not be asking her to take them for him. he has equal part in that situation.

if he truly cared for her then he would wait to have sex with her, not sneak around in her mothers house or do it where ever else. if not waiting until marriage then at least wait until they are mature enough and financially ready to be parents should that occur.

i do agree that they could run off and get married and i would have to deal with her as a dil and that any other number of things could happen. i still dont think i should change my beliefs because "what if".

he is also planning to live at home while going to college locally.

 

[jodifla]

Why cause he's 18?

If he's a "man" he should be able to support himself and not live off the support of his mom/dad.

Except for, it seems his parents might like him to go to college.

I have more than one childhood acquaintance who didn't go to college because their parents went ballistic when they found out their child was sexually active. So the kids moved out, got jobs instead of going to college, then got married and/or had kids too early. (I do have one friend who was forced to put herself through college when her father found out about her and her boyfriend. She did, although it was very difficult for her. She never forgave her father, and their relationship was forever altered.)

My other friends never really caught up with their peers jobwise.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

OP, this girlfriend of your sons sounds like bad news. Of course I don't know anything about her, but the fact that you really don't care for her at all says a lot.

It's unfortunate that your son will be going to college locally and not be able to get rid of the girl like that. I hope that she does not continue to hold him back in life. And I hope that the girl he decides to marry is someone that you really adore.

I don't think this high school romance will last too much longer. Just stick it through a little longer. Almost all teenagers go through a phase in which they date someone their parents highly disapprove of. I know I had my "bad boy" boyfriend back in the day. Ugh, what a mistake I made. But at the time, the fact that my parents couldn't stand him only made me want to be with him more.

 

[jodifla]

i have told him that if he is having sex with her that

1. he does not respect her
2. he does not respect her mother (as they are sneaking in her house)
3. he does not respect himself

he should not keep the pictures that she sent him. he should tell her not to take them or he should not be asking her to take them for him. he has equal part in that situation.

if he truly cared for her then he would wait to have sex with her, not sneak around in her mothers house or do it where ever else. if not waiting until marriage then at least wait until they are mature enough and financially ready to be parents should that occur.

i do agree that they could run off and get married and i would have to deal with her as a dil and that any other number of things could happen. i still dont think i should change my beliefs because "what if".

he is also planning to live at home while going to college locally.

If the are both of age, then you don't have a say in whether they are sexually active. You also don't get a say in whether he "respects" her or not. That is in his heart only.

Also, his father says he can go. So why do you get veto power?

 

[lizabu]

Why don't you just forbid him to see her? Guaranteed you do that she will end up being your daughter in law. You need to loosen the reins. He's 18 and whether you like it or not he's an adult. He has to make his own choices. You're lucky he even thought to tell you where he was going to be. That was very considerate of him. He doesn't need your permission.

 

[lizzi6692]

i have told him that if he is having sex with her that

1. he does not respect her
2. he does not respect her mother (as they are sneaking in her house)
3. he does not respect himself

he should not keep the pictures that she sent him. he should tell her not to take them or he should not be asking her to take them for him. he has equal part in that situation.

if he truly cared for her then he would wait to have sex with her, not sneak around in her mothers house or do it where ever else. if not waiting until marriage then at least wait until they are mature enough and financially ready to be parents should that occur.

i do agree that they could run off and get married and i would have to deal with her as a dil and that any other number of things could happen. i still dont think i should change my beliefs because "what if".

he is also planning to live at home while going to college locally.

Continue preaching to your son and see how often you hear from him once he's out of the house. The last fight my mother and I before I left was about her disapproval of my BF(now DH) and I having sex. She made me feel like a horrible person for it and I decided to leave. And him having sex has nothing to do with you, especially his respect for you.

 

[WDW in Pearls]

Why don't you just forbid him to see her? Guaranteed you do that she will end up being your daughter in law. You need to loosen the reins. He's 18 and whether you like it or not he's an adult. He has to make his own choices. You're lucky he even thought to tell you where he was going to be. That was very considerate of him. He doesn't need your permission.

No he doesn't, unless he wants to live in her home. Sorry, parents make the rules. That's why they're parents and not friends.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Why cause he's 18?

If he's a "man" he should be able to support himself and not live off the support of his mom/dad.

Yes, at 18, he is legally free to move on - whether he's ready to or not.

And this is just the type of thing that might just push him out the door before he's ready. Other posters have referred to it and I have seen it happen as well.

But yes, mom has the "right" to say no. Especially since she's sort of got him hanging since he's planning to live at home for college. Her rules, or goodbye.

Some of us know this scenario - it's setting the stage for deception and hard feelings.

But sure, she has the right to do whatever she wants. Good luck with that.

 

[WDW in Pearls]

Yes, at 18, he is legally free to move on - whether he's ready to or not.

And this is just the type of thing that might just push him out the door before he's ready. Other posters have referred to it and I have seen it happen as well.

But yes, mom has the "right" to say no. Especially since she's sort of got him hanging since he's planning to live at home for college. Her rules, or goodbye.

Some of us know this scenario - it's setting the stage for deception and hard feelings.

But sure, she has the right to do whatever she wants. Good luck with that.

Please keep in mind that you're only hearing the bad stories and not the positive ones that come from this parenting style. It DOES work, and I can attest to that.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I admit I'm a little shocked that you felt fine calling your son's girlfriend's mother and asking if she had her daughter on birth control, but you feel she is stepping over some line calling you to ask whether or not your son will be going with them for the weekend after they invited him.

This was an excellent observation, btw.

 

[lizabu]

No he doesn't, unless he wants to live in her home. Sorry, parents make the rules. That's why they're parents and not friends.

A parent who's going to throw her son out on the street every time he wants to do normal for his age things deserves to have that son cut her out of his life and stop speaking to her.

Where's the line? Are you going to twist his arm into following the career path you've chosen for him? Marry the girl you select? And if he doesn't jump through each and every hoop you throw him out on the street?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Please keep in mind that you're only hearing the bad stories and not the positive ones that come from this parenting style. It DOES work, and I can attest to that.

Hearing them? Um, I lived it. And saw the destruction it can cause.

No thanks, but to each his own.