boyfriends/girlfriends sleeping over each others house

[sbtrfly74]

I would say it depends on the kid. My DD is 20 and still treated like a 5 yr old cause she acts like it. My DD17 is more responsible and might consider this b/c its with her family. But is he only going or other couples too? Only reason I ask is this is a big popular thing where my sister lives with couple sleep overs after dances.

Well she let her DD 17 have 4 couple sleep over, they ended up sneaking alcohol and smoking pot in the back yard. I wouldnt want to be responsible for that. Then again kids will do what they want and when, back in my day we rented hotel rooms and just made sure we had a wake up call b/f curfew lol.

 

[wvjules]

My 17yo DD and her friends had a coed party/sleepover after prom last week at one of her BFF's house. They graduate on June 5. On June 8, DD and 9 of her friends (Male and Female) are headed to Ocean City for Senior week. Those are exceptions to the coed sleepover. I do not expect DD will call me anytime soon and ask me to spend the night with her boyfriend just for the heck of it. Prom and Senior week are different and I, as a parent, and DD realize that this is not going to be the 'rule'. (DD turns 18 during senior week, if that matters.)

Also, two years ago we took DD's boyfriend with us to Ocean City and also to Deep Creek Lake on two seperate occasions. I really don't see it as a big deal. They didn't share a bedroom.

So my answer is, yes if I were you I would let your son go with his GF and her family.

 

[lizzi6692]

Yeah, but if he chooses the latter, you may change your tune. My friend's daughter moved out because they were very overprotective and now she barely even calls them. Sometimes you have to look at it from the other side of the spectrum.

Exactly. I moved out at 18 and barely spoke to my mother for 2 years after that. The only reason we have a better relationship now is because of my sister. And my father(who was the worse of the two) and I hardly ever speak.

 

[RitaE]

I have to agree with the last few. Extended Prom weekends are quite common around here and have been for a very long time. I remember being so jealous of my older sister when she went to her first Prom and was away for the whole weekend. One that is chaperoned at all by parents seems pretty tame to me.

As for the matter of your 18 year old son and his girlfriend and the extent of their relationship --- that seems like a completely different question to me.

I admit I'm a little shocked that you felt fine calling your son's girlfriend's mother and asking if she had her daughter on birth control, but you feel she is stepping over some line calling you to ask whether or not your son will be going with them for the weekend after they invited him.

 

[TheAviator]

Hmmm yeah he's 18. That's what 18 year old boys do as well as older ones for that matter. Why would you not want him to go to the beach with his GF? I agree emphasizing not getting the GF pregnant with birth control talk/info etc., is a great idea, but other than that, he's an adult. Its his life. He can legally do whatever he wants to do in that department. And I'm not sure why you would have an issue with his sex life. If he was under 18 that would be a different matter somewhat, but.

 

[Tink888]

hello everyone, i would like some other opinions...

my son is 18 and going to prom this coming friday with his g/f of a little over a year. her mother wants him to go with them to their shore house after the prom and stay the weekend there. she will be there to supervise.

i know they are having sex, and i am not ok with it, although her mother is. she said they will not be sleeping in the same room at the shore. truthfully i dont have any faith in that happening.

i believe that if i say ok to him going just because it is prom they will expect it to be ok any other time.

his father (my ex) seems to think he should be able to go. i dont think he realizes our daughter may ask the same question when it is her turn for prom....

her mother is really badgering me about this and will not let up.

opinions, thoughts or comments?

Didn't read all the responses.

Ultimately you have to do what you feel is right.

That said, I would let him go. Sex aside, it sounds like a fun weekend. They are already having sex. Not letting him go isn't going to stop them from having sex, it will only stop them from having sex at the house at the Shore.

Just because her Mom is okay with them being sexually active, doesn't mean she's going to tell them to have at it once they get to the Shore. It means she's realistic. They are almost 18. They have been dating for a year.

No parent likes to think of their kids having sex. But they grow up and they do. The best thing we can do as parents is to make sure they are educated and prepared for it when it happens.

 

[minkydog]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I take it he's a senior. I wouldn't have a problem with him going to the shore with the girl he's already having sex with, especially if her mother was also going. If they're going to have sex they certainly can do it there or just about anywhere.

Am I correct in assuming that he will be going off to college in a few months, where you will have no inkling of his sex life or anything else because he is consider legally an adult?

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I have a 17 year old daughter and I would never let her do this.

 

[plutotek]

Heck, I stayed w/my GF's family when I was 14-15, which was no big deal. I can't imagine imposing such Draconian rules on an 18 yr old.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, I understand your points and your concerns, really I do. And for the most part, I agree with you. This "he's an adult" baloney is just that...a bunch of baloney. The kid is 18, in high school and probably couldn't support himself if his life depended on it...at least he couldn't support himself well. He is living in your house, with your rules.

As far as the sex part...well whether they are away at the beach house or in your hometown, the sex is going to happen. You can make it clear that you don't like it, you can think less of the girl because she is having sex with him...you can do all sorts of things but you're not going to stop it so don't waste your time even worrying about that.

Be upfront with the kid and say "Look, you know I'm not thrilled about this weekend away for many reasons. You know my reasons, we've discussed them enough. But I also know that you are 18 and as such, are legally an adult so I cannot tell you what to do. I know the prom is a special occasion and all, so while I'm not thrilled, I can't really stop you from going. That being said, I hope this sleepover stuff isn't going to become a habit because frankly, if ti does, I am going to assume you are quite ready to be treated more like an adult and we'll lay down some new ground rules in terms of what we will expect from our adult son as far as working, paying rent, taking over some of your own expenses etc". I'd also give the safe sex talk and remind him that a child is a forever commitment. I'd also remind him that if something did happen and this girl gets pregnant, that the annoying woman who is her mother will be in his life for the rest of his life too as his child's other grandmother. That may be enough to scare him if he really thinks about it.

Because really, if someone wants to be an "adult" in one area of their life, then they should be prepared to be an "adult" in all areas of their life. You can't be an adult for whooping it up with your honey at the beach house on the weekends and still be asking Mommy & Daddy for gas money to drive to there.....

As far as what your younger kids think or see or whatever....cross that bridge when you get to it. They may have completely different personalities and not want to be that involved with a boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

[lurkernj]

I have a ds18 who will also be going to the prom on Friday. He and 7 friends have rented a house for the weekend. There will be boys and girls both in the house. His girlfriend also has rented a house with a group of her friends, in the same town. I have no doubt they'll see each other, though I don't know that they are having sex, I don't think it would make a difference to me either way. I am excited for him to get to have this experience, and it never occurred to me to tell him no.

I have been adjusting my thinking to letting him have more freedom as he will be going away to college in August 4 hrs from home. I will be clueless about what he is doing. I have to trust that we did our job raising him to make good decisions.

I agree with others that the drinking is a way bigger concern.

 

[MamaLema]

Honestly, if I wasn't ok with him having sex then I would say no. And the mother badgering me for an answer would walk me towards no faster than anything.

Sure he's 18 but he's still living like a child, in your home and you are supporting him. When he lives like a man then he can make adult decisions.

I agree. Just because your child is 18 doesn't mean you start saying yes to everything they want to do. If my child is living in my house, it's still my rules.

 

[pookybean]

op here...

i wish i knew how to do multiple quotes so i could respond to different things, i will have to try to go by memory.....

i dont particularly care for the girl, although i dont know her very well. i have only spent time with her really maybe once. she lives on the other side of the city from us and she is not allowed to take public transportation so she cant get here to meet us if we are going to do something (i am not driving a half hour or more out of my way to come back this way to do whatever our plans are) and her parents are not always available to do pick up/drop offs either. the way i found out they were having sex is by finding nude pictures of her and explicit letters that she wrote to him. i brought up b/c while informing her parents about this. maybe if i was not thinking about how i have already seen her naked while i was meeting her for the first time it would have gone over better. aside from that, i dont think she treats him very well. she likes to make him feel guilty for choosing hobbies over her and he actually didnt even want to go to the prom. she basically said too bad i already bought my dress and the tickets. he was still dragging his feet last week about getting the tux.

the mother is not waiting for my answer to pack the car, as i have already told her no. i told him no a couple of weeks ago but he does not seem to have relayed the message. also, when she invited him to stay there with them last summer and i said no should have tipped her off.

this is not so much about them having sex. i accept that he has made the choice to do it. i don't agree with it but even if they were not having sex i would not want him to spend the night at her house. if he is old enough to decide when and where to spend the night then he should have his own place. i am raising two girls that hopefully by the time they are his age they will not even think to ask this because they will understand that it is not an appropriate thing to do. he is my oldest, i am setting a precedence as to what is and is not acceptable in my home.

i have made my decision. i asked the question because i know that i may not always make the right decisions and may need to open my mind a little and rethink some things. i have not changed my mind, i am not going to let him go. i will talk with him tonight and see if we can brainstorm something that her mother will compromise with (such as driving down for the day on sat, no sleeping over).

 

[jodifla]

op here...

i wish i knew how to do multiple quotes so i could respond to different things, i will have to try to go by memory.....

i dont particularly care for the girl, although i dont know her very well. i have only spent time with her really maybe once. she lives on the other side of the city from us and she is not allowed to take public transportation so she cant get here to meet us if we are going to do something (i am not driving a half hour or more out of my way to come back this way to do whatever our plans are) and her parents are not always available to do pick up/drop offs either. the way i found out they were having sex is by finding nude pictures of her and explicit letters that she wrote to him. i brought up b/c while informing her parents about this. maybe if i was not thinking about how i have already seen her naked while i was meeting her for the first time it would have gone over better. aside from that, i dont think she treats him very well. she likes to make him feel guilty for choosing hobbies over her and he actually didnt even want to go to the prom. she basically said too bad i already bought my dress and the tickets. he was still dragging his feet last week about getting the tux.

the mother is not waiting for my answer to pack the car, as i have already told her no. i told him no a couple of weeks ago but he does not seem to have relayed the message. also, when she invited him to stay there with them last summer and i said no should have tipped her off.

this is not so much about them having sex. i accept that he has made the choice to do it. i don't agree with it but even if they were not having sex i would not want him to spend the night at her house. if he is old enough to decide when and where to spend the night then he should have his own place. i am raising two girls that hopefully by the time they are his age they will not even think to ask this because they will understand that it is not an appropriate thing to do. he is my oldest, i am setting a precedence as to what is and is not acceptable in my home.

i have made my decision. i asked the question because i know that i may not always make the right decisions and may need to open my mind a little and rethink some things. i have not changed my mind, i am not going to let him go. i will talk with him tonight and see if we can brainstorm something that her mother will compromise with (such as driving down for the day on sat, no sleeping over).

WOW! What a terrible decision you are making. And you are treating this girl terribly as well.

 

[pookybean]

WOW! What a terrible decision you are making. And you are treating this girl terribly as well.

truthfully, she has not behaved very respectfully.... to me, her mother and most unfortunately to herself.

 

[jodifla]

truthfully, she has not behaved very respectfully.... to me, her mother and most unfortunately to herself.

Why, because she's having sex with your son?

Seriously, what are you trying to accomplish here? Your son will be gone in a few months, doing WHATEVER he wants with WHOMEVER he wants. You have ZERO control over that.

But he'll remember how you treated him this weekend. And you're teaching your daughters to sneak around -- and they'll likely become masters at it.

 

[ICF]

WOW! What a terrible decision you are making. .

I think she made a good decision. Too many parents these days seem to be afraid to tell their kids no once in awhile.

 

[lizzi6692]

Why, because she's having sex with your son?

Seriously, what are you trying to accomplish here? Your son will be gone in a few months, doing WHATEVER he wants with WHOMEVER he wants. You have ZERO control over that.

But he'll remember how you treated him this weekend. And you're teaching your daughters to sneak around -- and they'll likely become masters at it.

Exactly, your son will remember how you handle this situation for a long time. What if he ends up marrying this girl? If so the way you treat her may shape your relationship with your son for a long time. Like I already said, I barely speak to my father anymore, the reason for that is not only because of how he treated me, but also because of how he treated my husband back when we were dating. And you can think "my house, my rules" all you want, but that goes out the window in a few months once he's in college. You don't want the last memories of him being at home to be resentful ones.

 

[shortbun]

truthfully, she has not behaved very respectfully.... to me, her mother and most unfortunately to herself.

I totally agree with you. Her actions are purely skanky. You might be better off keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. All my youthful boyfriends parents made friends with me. I would have been mortified had I disappointed them because I really liked them. My plan is to become friends with my son's girlfriends, no matter how I feel about them down deep. I have no intention of driving him into their arms nor welcoming a grandchild too early because they thought it was acceptable to throw cares to the wind. My sister-in-law has lost her beloved son because the girl he married does not like his mother-for good reason. My sister-in-law treated her badly, thought her son would listen to his mother. He did, he heard exactly what she said about the woman he loved.

 

[lizzi6692]

I think she made a good decision. Too many parents these days seem to be afraid to tell their kids no once in awhile.

Except we're talking about an 18 year old who will probably be moving out soon. And if it were me, I would want to give my son room to spread his wings while he's still at home, rather than keeping him under strict rules until he leaves and then setting him free with absolutely no boundaries.