Am I Being Reasonable? Breakfast & Lunch... UPDATE!!!

[Wendy31]

Background: Our DD's best friend stays with us two days/week. (Her mother works 2 days/week, & her dad works full-time.) She is 13, like our DD, but, according to her mother, she doesn't like to stay by herself all day. She has 1 much older sibling who is married. So, I volunteered to let her come over to our house for those 2 days. She is homeschooled (like we homeschool), so she brings her school work w/ her.

Anyway, because she's 13, I don't really feel like I'm "watching her" or anything. When they get bored, I sometimes suggest activities, but that's about it. When we're not doing school, she & DD are normally in DD's room. When we're doing school, she works on her own school work.

Confession - I'm a slacker mom. My kids get their own breakfasts & lunches - Stuff like cereal, waffles, or Toaster Strudels for breakfast and soup, sandwiches, or leftovers for lunch. Occasionally, we'll fix something special for breakfast or lunch, but usually we all just kind of get whatever, if that makes sense. Also, my kids put whatever they've gotten out back away & put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

Well, from what I've determined, I think DD's friend is used to being served meals. She's also maybe a little picky. I've asked her what she likes to eat, & she'll just say, "Oh, whatever..." or "A variety of things." I asked her what she normally eats for lunch, & she told me, "I don't know? Macaroni and cheese?"

Since her mother is paying me, I feel like I need to feed her child. However, I also don't feel like I should treat her that much differently than I do our own children.

So, this is what I've been doing - One day, I'll fix a hot breakfast & then let them fix sandwiches for lunch. The next day, I'll let them get cereal or waffles for breakfast, & I'll fix something for lunch.

She doesn't like eggs but loves bacon, so our breakfast rotation has been eggs (for my kids), bacon, & biscuits & then the next week some kind of "sweet" (muffins, cinnamon rolls, pancakes, etc) & bacon. I fixed orange cinnamon rolls, &, according to her, they were "okay." DH made HOMEMADE apple fritters, & they were also only "okay." She likes donuts, but I'm not buying donuts every week. I try to serve fruit w/ breakfast - orange slices, bananas, grapes, etc.

For lunch, I've been rotating hot dogs w/ macaroni & cheese & homemade pizza & spaghetti. She doesn't like fish. She likes grilled cheese, so I plan to do some soup & grilled cheese sandwiches. When we have sandwiches, I'll put everything on the table to make it easy & everyone can make their own sandwiches - bread, ham, turkey, cheese, mayo, mustard, peanut butter, jelly, & Nutella. For sides, I'll put out plain chips and BBQ chips. I've also done pretzels & tortilla chips. And I always prepare some fresh veggies (carrots & cucumbers) w/ a couple of different dressings (like Ranch) for dipping.

Last week - the first day, they had cereal for breakfast & DH grilled chicken & made pasta w/ spaghetti sauce for lunch. The 2nd day, I fixed bacon & biscuits & fruit for breakfast & sandwiches w/ chips & veggies for lunch. When she saw the sandwich stuff on the table, she said, "But I don't want a sandwich." Honestly, I was a little shocked. I told her, "Well, I think there's a can of soup in the pantry..." And she sort of sighed, "No, this is fine."

This week, I'm planning Belgian waffles, bacon, & fruit for breakfast one day & cereal the next. For lunch, I'm planning homemade pizza & then sandwiches again. I use whole wheat bread.

She likes to snack, so I try to have some snack crackers & cookies available. She also likes ice cream, so I normally buy a couple of half gallons for them to share. We also always have fruit. I'm buying a lot of extra food for the days she's here - we normally don't have a lot of snack-y type food. My kids are used to fruit, granola bars, & yogurt, & they don't snack on chips between meals.

I also found out the other day that she doesn't like her food to touch. I fixed hot dogs, & I put 2 hot dogs on her plate (she normally eats 2 hot dogs) w/ macaroni & cheese (she loves macaroni & cheese). Well, the macaroni touched one of the hot dogs, & she couldn't eat it. So she threw the hot dog away. And then got a bowl & ate some more macaroni. She told me that she normally eats her food in separate bowls.

Anyway, I know this was long!!! I'm sorry!

Is what I'm doing sound reasonable? For lunch, I just don't expect a full meal - our full meals are normally dinner, so we usually have lighter fare for lunch. Are sandwiches okay for one lunch/week?

Thanks for any advice and/or suggestions!!

 

[Kellydelly]

I think you are being way too accommodating. Just fix what you plan to fix, or not fix, and let her eat your food that is offered, or bring her own meals . This girl sounds a lot like my daughter's friend who is an only child, she loves donuts too (and not much of what I cook). I think she lives on them at home .

 

[Help Please!]

I think that you are being more than reasonable. If I was you, I would go over some guidelines that give the kids some freedom (and responsibility) but set boundaries as well. It seems like your kids know how things go, but it sounds like things are different at the girl's house...and at 13, the way she is acting is probably what she's used to doing at home. If it was my house, I would probably put some ground rules in place. Something like:

For breakfast, you may choose (and make your own) cereal, frozen waffles/pancakes, or oatmeal. There is also juice/milk and fruit in the fridge if you'd like. Once a week, I will make a special breakfast, and you may choose to have that instead.

You may have one snack between breakfast and lunch. You may get it at any time but you must (whatever you'd like to specify) eat it in the kitchen, or whatever.

For lunch, we will usually have all the stuff to make sandwiches. You may make any type of sandwich you choose. You may have fruit, veggies, or chips with your sandwich. Once a week, I will make a special lunch, and you may choose to have that, or make a sandwich.

You may have one snack after lunch.





I remember going over a friend's house and not liking what they were having for dinner, but choking it down to be polite. Heck, I remember meeting my husband's grandmother for the first time, and choking down a mayo-infested tuna sandwich (I don't like either...ha!). You are wonderful to offer her so many nice options (I would love them)...but there is a chance that a) she's used to getting her way all the time, and nothing will make her "happy" or b) she only likes fast food or frozen food, I'm talking pizza rolls, frozen pizza, frozen chicken nuggets, fries, etc. I think it's nice to giver her a choice at each meal (ex. I will make a special thing, but you can always go back to what you're used to).

Also....to a 13-year-old, I would say "Here's how things are going to go (explain it all to her). Now, if there's something we have that you really like, please let me know (then you can keep buying it). If there's something that you usually have for breakfast or lunch that we don't have, please let me know (may be a nice gesture for you to make something she enjoys). Let her know that if she has a problem or preference, you can only change things if she comes and speaks to you in a polite, respectful manner. (those 13 year olds sometimes... ."

Good luck, you are doing a great job!

 

[alex9179]

You're being MORE than reasonable. You are being very accommodating to a picky person. I would have been unhappy if one of my kids THREW AWAY perfectly good food, and they would have heard about it. LOL!

Honestly, I'd put out whatever fixings for the meals and let her fix her own plate. I ALSO wouldn't buy trash just because that's what she'd prefer to eat. She can get that at home. Go back to buying what you normally would feed your kids and she can pick and choose from those items.

Can you tell I don't suffer a picky eater?

When our kids moved in, they were 4, 3, and 15 months. The 3 yr old was the only one who would even TRY unfamiliar foods. The oldest only wanted nasty cereal or chicken nuggets from McDonald's. I didn't push two much for about two weeks. After that, they ate what I served. I made allowances for the youngest because I wasn't sure what he was able to eat. The list that came with him was WRONG. They all are VERY good eaters and the only things I have to consider is that the youngest can't do spicy (he's 6 now) and he doesn't like creamy sauces. Maybe they are the exception, but a 13 yr old should be making her own plate.

 

[MSLRAC]

Background: Our DD's best friend stays with us two days/week. (Her mother works 2 days/week, & her dad works full-time.) She is 13, like our DD, but, according to her mother, she doesn't like to stay by herself all day. She has 1 much older sibling who is married. So, I volunteered to let her come over to our house for those 2 days. She is homeschooled (like we homeschool), so she brings her school work w/ her.

Anyway, because she's 13, I don't really feel like I'm "watching her" or anything. When they get bored, I sometimes suggest activities, but that's about it. When we're not doing school, she & DD are normally in DD's room. When we're doing school, she works on her own school work.

Confession - I'm a slacker mom. My kids get their own breakfasts & lunches - Stuff like cereal, waffles, or Toaster Strudels for breakfast and soup, sandwiches, or leftovers for lunch. Occasionally, we'll fix something special for breakfast or lunch, but usually we all just kind of get whatever, if that makes sense. Also, my kids put whatever they've gotten out back away & put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

Well, from what I've determined, I think DD's friend is used to being served meals. She's also maybe a little picky. I've asked her what she likes to eat, & she'll just say, "Oh, whatever..." or "A variety of things." I asked her what she normally eats for lunch, & she told me, "I don't know? Macaroni and cheese?"

Since her mother is paying me, I feel like I need to feed her child. However, I also don't feel like I should treat her that much differently than I do our own children.

So, this is what I've been doing - One day, I'll fix a hot breakfast & then let them fix sandwiches for lunch. The next day, I'll let them get cereal or waffles for breakfast, & I'll fix something for lunch.

She doesn't like eggs but loves bacon, so our breakfast rotation has been eggs (for my kids), bacon, & biscuits & then the next week some kind of "sweet" (muffins, cinnamon rolls, pancakes, etc) & bacon. I fixed orange cinnamon rolls, &, according to her, they were "okay." DH made HOMEMADE apple fritters, & they were also only "okay." She likes donuts, but I'm not buying donuts every week. I try to serve fruit w/ breakfast - orange slices, bananas, grapes, etc.

For lunch, I've been rotating hot dogs w/ macaroni & cheese & homemade pizza & spaghetti. She doesn't like fish. She likes grilled cheese, so I plan to do some soup & grilled cheese sandwiches. When we have sandwiches, I'll put everything on the table to make it easy & everyone can make their own sandwiches - bread, ham, turkey, cheese, mayo, mustard, peanut butter, jelly, & Nutella. For sides, I'll put out plain chips and BBQ chips. I've also done pretzels & tortilla chips. And I always prepare some fresh veggies (carrots & cucumbers) w/ a couple of different dressings (like Ranch) for dipping.

Last week - the first day, they had cereal for breakfast & DH grilled chicken & made pasta w/ spaghetti sauce for lunch. The 2nd day, I fixed bacon & biscuits & fruit for breakfast & sandwiches w/ chips & veggies for lunch. When she saw the sandwich stuff on the table, she said, "But I don't want a sandwich." Honestly, I was a little shocked. I told her, "Well, I think there's a can of soup in the pantry..." And she sort of sighed, "No, this is fine."

This week, I'm planning Belgian waffles, bacon, & fruit for breakfast one day & cereal the next. For lunch, I'm planning homemade pizza & then sandwiches again. I use whole wheat bread.

She likes to snack, so I try to have some snack crackers & cookies available. She also likes ice cream, so I normally buy a couple of half gallons for them to share. We also always have fruit. I'm buying a lot of extra food for the days she's here - we normally don't have a lot of snack-y type food. My kids are used to fruit, granola bars, & yogurt, & they don't snack on chips between meals.

I also found out the other day that she doesn't like her food to touch. I fixed hot dogs, & I put 2 hot dogs on her plate (she normally eats 2 hot dogs) w/ macaroni & cheese (she loves macaroni & cheese). Well, the macaroni touched one of the hot dogs, & she couldn't eat it. So she threw the hot dog away. And then got a bowl & ate some more macaroni. She told me that she normally eats her food in separate bowls.

Anyway, I know this was long!!! I'm sorry!

Is what I'm doing sound reasonable? For lunch, I just don't expect a full meal - our full meals are normally dinner, so we usually have lighter fare for lunch. Are sandwiches okay for one lunch/week?

Thanks for any advice and/or suggestions!!

I think you are being reasonable but sandwiches might not work for her since she doesn't like her foods touching. DS is like that (it's an Autism thing for him) and he can't handle sandwiches. He'll eat all the parts of a sandwich but you just can't put it together to form a sandwich. You might mention to the mom that you are going grocery shopping or doing some meal planning and see if she has any suggestions.

 

[clh2]

Wow - I think I am just crabby tonight.

I would just give her a clue what the weekly menu is...and if she doesn't care for that - then she brings her own.

And - she needs to follow the house rules- as it pertains to serving herself and your "dirty dishes" policy.

Unless you enjoy being a short order cook...

 

[SLP958]

I think you are doing more than enough. If she continues to complain I would mention it to her mother and politely say something like "Suzy doesn't care for some of the things I cook so if she wants to bring lunch and some snacks over it would probably make her more comfortable."

Her parents are fortunate to have your help. I am sure they would not mind packing her a lunch.

 

[alex9179]

Sorry! Duplicate...somehow.

 

[LongLiveDisney]

I don't know what kind of 13 year old would actually have the audacity to blatantly complain about the food choices the people that are generously taking care of her offer to her! You're too nice.

 

[PinkLemonade7503]

You are being very accommodating. I think as a (practically) only child, her Mom just makes what she wants for her meals. Since your kids have siblings, they are used to deferring to what works for the group.

She is not being blatantly rude, but when I was young I remember choking down gross food at friend's houses and not saying a thing! One time my friend's Mom made hamburgers, and mine had a cat hair all on it! I was solo grossed out. Her Mom just took it off my burger, and was like "it's fine, you can eat it now!"

 

[elphaba91]

I agree that you're being way too accommodating! The type of spreads you've been doing are great for a treat while having a friend over, but as this girl will be at your place two days every week, it's really quite excessive, I think.

Firstly, I think you should cut out the lavish breakfasts. The days that your kids are having something healthy (eggs) she is just having bacon. While she might like it, it's hardly a good start to the day to just be eating a plate of bacon. The other weeks, all of you seem to be eating pretty unhealthy (albeit delicious) stuff. Cereal and toast with fruit is MORE than enough.

As for the lunches, firstly, I'd have a chat to the girl's mother and find out what she normally eats for lunch and if there are foods she does and doesn't like. Also, maybe you could get the kids to help a bit with the cooking. For example, you said you do homemade pizza. In our household, the rule is that at least two people have to contribute to the pizza making. For us, it's because pizza is a lazy dinner and if you have to make it by yourself it becomes too much of a chore. In your case, it would mean less work for you and could also be a fun activity for the girls. I'd also try looking for recipes for stuff that's a bit easier for you. For instance, you could do baked potatoes, then each person can put their own toppings on. You could also buy something like wraps or bagels as an alternative to sandwiches.

Also, don't buy lots of unhealthy snack food just because that's what she's used to. Maybe buy packs of individual serve chips and/or ice cream bars and say that they can have one treat per day. For other snacks there is ample granola bars, fruit, yoghurt, etc. available. Once again though, I'd have a chat to the mother about her likes and dislikes. E.g. if you were only offering me granola bars with nuts in them, lumpy yoghurt and bananas, I wouldn't be too impressed. However, nut-free bars, plain vanilla yoghurt and apples I'd be fine with.

Finally, tell the kid to speak up! Tell her that you're not a mind reader and if she doesn't say if she does or doesn't like something, then nothing is going to change!

Oh, and if your husband wants to send me some of those fritters, that'd be 'okay'!

 

[diznygirl]

I think you are doing more than enough. If she continues to complain I would mention it to her mother and politely say something like "Suzy doesn't care for some of the things I cook so if she wants to bring lunch and some snacks over it would probably make her more comfortable."

Her parents are fortunate to have your help. I am sure they would not mind packing her a lunch.

This exactly.

Stop trying to please her. Not your job and sounds like she won't be happy anyway. Put the effort back on her parents.

 

[hereyago]

I just wouldnt do it. Are you spending more money to get what she likes then what the mom is paying you? If so, then you are really doing it for free. Stop accommodating her.

 

[shortbun]

You are doing a great job! You are not a slacker mom, lol! You ARE, however, overthinking the situation. Relax and let them fix their own food.

 

[minkydog]

Any chance this girl has some degree of autism? The picky eating and the blunt way in which she spoke to you make me think of my niece, who has Aspergers. I could totally see her doing that.

Even so, I don't think you need to cater to her. If you don't usually buy snack-y foods, don't buy it. She can live for 2 days without chips, crackers and ice cream. Make a menu and give it to her ahead of time, so she's not blind-sided. If she doesn't like what you're having, she can always bring herself something from home that day.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, my son is older than this, but I have BTDT with him, and with his best friend who lived just up around the corner.

I only WISH my son would put more effort into being able to go into the kitchen and putting something together to eat. He is a little picky, and I have to admit that I have kind of spoiled him. And, his friend is very picky.

Even more recently, his friend came over to spend the afternoon here. DH had to work, which he doesn't usually have to work to often on weekends... We had a very busy week, and had been out of town for most of the week, and there wasn't an overload of food in the house. And, I wasn't feeling all that great. I was not up to taking us all into town (and spending the cash) for their favorite Wendy's or Taco Bell, etc...

What is it with kids being so picky and helpless to prepare something for themselves to eat?????? I had to actually go tell my son to get into the kitchen and take care of some lunch for the two boys. (and these are two 6 foot (they are tall) teenaged bottomless pits!!!!)

I was just...
I am not a short order cook, slash, fast food restaurant!!!!

I agree that you have been VERY accommodating.
These girls are friends, right...
At their age, I would make it so that your daughter was responsible for whatever happens at lunch. Have some options available, or set stuff out, and go about your business. These teenagers (all in general) are not five years old that need to be spoon fed. Or, at least they shouldn't be!!!

 

[barkley]

I think you are WAY beyond reasonable. I also think you need to look to what the child's parent is paying you for-if it's to pay for meals it's one thing (in which case you are providing childcare for free), if it's for childcare it's another. both when my kids went to childcare and when they were in either private or public schools-meals were not included.

honestly, I would simply say to the mom that her dd does not seem to care for the foods you provide your own family, and in light of that she needs to have her child provide/bring (you don't need to shop for this child as well) PREPARED meals/snacks. were this child to attend school, if she did not care for what was provided she would have to provide her own food (and again, look to what you are being paid-if she's there for 4 meals-not counting snacks-per week, you are providing/paying for about 20% of her food per week-that's a considerable amount of most people's food budget).

I've got the world's pickiest eater, in part due to his autism but there's no way he gets away with eating (as you've described) a diet of ice cream, grilled cheese, donuts, snack crakers, cookies, bacon, hot dogs, and mac -n- cheese. he would love to-but it's not healthy. given she turned down the only option you gave her when she turned her nose up at the 'sandwich bar'-and opted to eat it, I suspect she knows she can get away with certain things in your home and when called on it (if she is truly hungry, and no goodie snacks are available) will do just fine with what is offered.

 

[ZuZugal]

I think you are being very accommodating.

If the mom is paying you, I guess you could consider that some of that $ should go towards food. So how about asking the other mom for some advice. Not mentioning that it has become an "issue", but simply "we usually eat xxx for breakfast and xxx for lunch at our house. What do you usually have for those meals and does your daughter have any favorites I should keep on hand?"

The girl sounds like a picky eater. If I were you I would stop going to such lengths to make sure she is happy. If she is hungry she will eat. If not she can have a big dinner when she gets home.

 

[DWGal210]

I think you are being way too accommodating. Just fix what you plan to fix, or not fix, and let her eat your food that is offered, or bring her own meals . This girl sounds a lot like my daughter's friend who is an only child, she loves donuts too (and not much of what I cook). I think she lives on them at home .

I agree; you are being very kind and accommodating but you're not a short order cook, and your home is not a restaurant.

I get being picky, but goodness! When I was younger, I can't IMAGINE telling an adult that I didn't want to eat what was prepared for the meal.

I agree with another poster that I would say to her mom or dad, "Suzy doesn't care for what we're eating for meals, so if she could bring her breakfast and lunch that would be great."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, for starters she should be eating breakfast before she comes over. I think that is one of the kinks in this situation. Unless of course she is being dropped off at 5am or something.

As far as lunch, I would provide a lunch.

That being said, I make food all the time so I have this gene that people must be fed. Can't help it.