Am I Being Reasonable? Breakfast & Lunch... UPDATE!!!

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by Wendy31, Oct 21, 2013.

  1. aylarosie

    aylarosie Mouseketeer

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2013
    Messages:
    124
    WOW....You are one extra nice person. I have been taking care of 6 children in my home for 25+ years.Granted they are younger but still you should not feel taking money to have this child all day is not warrented. You are keeping her safe and out of trouble.Why are you responsible for breakfast? All my children arrive for the day haven eaten a breakfast at home. They arrive as early as 7:30 am.I offer a breakfast snack at 9:30 am -milk toast or muffin and a piece of fruit. Lunch is milk bread protien and fruit and veg. another snack at 3:30. Unless the parents were paying you a lot you should be able to have the girl bring her lunch and have eaten her breakfast home.Taking care of other peoples children is hard but both parents are making a decent amount of money and have piece of mind that there daughter is safe.When I first started this bussiness I made a lot of mistakes -choices that cost me money but over time it works out.Good luck.
     
  2. Avatar

    Google AdSense Guest Advertisement


    to hide this advert.
  3. scrapquitler

    scrapquitler DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2007
    Messages:
    8,508
    How about "if you don't like what I'm making you can make yourself a pb&j sandwich" ??
     
  4. Imzadi

    Imzadi Saved by an angel in a trenchcoat

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2004
    Messages:
    24,789
    Thank You! :worship: Finally someone who said exactly what I was thinking. This girl knows she can get away with stuff and you are inadvertently enabling her emotional manipulation. Because when it came down to it, she DID settle with what was offered.

    She also needs to learn to serve herself. She's 13, not 6. :rolleyes: It shouldn't matter if she got served at her own home. She's in YOURS. She needs to learn now that in other homes and other environments, life will be different. She's missing what it's like in school cafeterias with different kids eating styles & manners, as she's being homeschooled. If she has food touching issues, she especially needs to serve herself. She could have served herself the hot dog first. Ate it, and then gone up for the two bowls of mac & cheese, by herself. She showed after she threw the hotdog away & went for the mac & cheese, that she was totally capable of serving herself.

    And NO WAY would it have flown in my house when I was growing up, (or at my then BFF's house - as her mom was a Holocaust survivor and taught us how food had been so scarce,) that throwing away perfectly good uneaten food was acceptable. Especially a HOT DOG! :sad2: Out of all the foods that could have been washed off and put back on the plate, it's a hotdog.

    Like a PP poster said, I have gone through situations where someone picked off the cat food and we ate it. Cat hair is flying around in the air. A little lands in the food, you pick it out and you keep eating. :eek: :lmao:


    She can't have it both ways, she doesn';t like her food touching, she wants only certain foods but she won't speak up, AND she wants you to be her servant and serve her. She's spoiled and she's learning how to emotionally guilt and manipulate you.

    This is a perfect teaching moment for HER, that the world and other homes is not always going to accommodate her. That at 13 she needs to learn how to fit in. Surely you've heard the sentence, “Prepare your child for the road, not the road for your child.” She's in your home. later on, she will be in another's. You aren't helping to prepare her for those other homes when you accommodate her with constant unhealthy foods and being served all the time.

    [/QUOTE] After the 1st day she stayed w/ us, I did ask her mom what kinds of things she likes to eat, & she was about as helpful as her DD. I asked, "What does she like to eat for lunch? I want to make sure we have some of what she likes to eat." And she looked at her DD & said, "I don't know... [daughter's name], what do you like to eat for lunch?" Her DD just kind of shrugged. So her mom continued, "She likes things like sandwiches and pizza... I'm sure what you have is fine."[/QUOTE]

    Her mother already gave you the okay that whatever you do is fine. YOU are the one having problems and allowing yourself to be overly-manipulated. If she had real issues, her mother probably would have spoken up about them.

    And I bet that if you went to her mom and said that her DD doesn't like what you are feeding her and she should send DD with bagged pre-made lunches, you'd hear once again a much more firmer, "Whatever you are giving her is FINE."

    Seriously, two days of eating what you feed her is not going to kill her. And if she prefers to go hungry, then that is her choice. again, she will learn to adapt to her environment than be constantly be expecting to be catered to as a Snowy.


    Well, no wonder why she's not hungry when you serve her. :rolleyes:

    And she has learned not to share, not to pay the hostess back for her hospitality (which is what the mother was doing,) AND how to get catered to. Nice.


    Then she doesn't drink anything. That is her choice. A 13 year old guest is manipulating and guilt tripping you instead of learning to be grateful for your hospitality. And if you keep accommodating this, you aren't doing her favors. She will get worse. She doesn't have a health problem that needs to be accommodated. Everyone can drink water in a pinch. She has a mental problem of being spoiled. :rolleyes:

    And you are teaching your DD to accommodate this behavior. My BBF, the one with the mom who survived the holocaust, would have just laughed or shrugged. She would have set the cup on the table and let me know if I finally want water, I know where the faucet is and to serve myself if/when that time comes.

    What was this girl expecting when she said she didn't like water, for you to make her some lemonade or to rush to the store to buy Sprite? What is this teaching her? Homeschooling is more than about books. Teach her to have some manners and to adapt.
     
  5. barkley

    barkley DIS Veteran<br><font color=orange>If I ever have a

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2004
    Messages:
    11,155
    After the 1st day she stayed w/ us, I did ask her mom what kinds of things she likes to eat, & she was about as helpful as her DD. I asked, "What does she like to eat for lunch? I want to make sure we have some of what she likes to eat." And she looked at her DD & said, "I don't know... [daughter's name], what do you like to eat for lunch?" Her DD just kind of shrugged. So her mom continued, "She likes things like sandwiches and pizza... I'm sure what you have is fine."[/QUOTE]

    Her mother already gave you the okay that whatever you do is fine. YOU are the one having problems and allowing yourself to be overly-manipulated. If she had real issues, her mother probably would have spoken up about them.

    And I bet that if you went to her mom and said that her DD doesn't like what you are feeding her and she should send DD with bagged pre-made lunches, you'd hear once again a much more firmer, "Whatever you are giving her is FINE."

    Seriously, two days of eating what you feed her is not going to kill her. And if she prefers to go hungry, then that is her choice. again, she will learn to adapt to her environment than be constantly be expecting to be catered to as a Snowy.




    Well, no wonder why she's not hungry when you serve her. :rolleyes:

    And she has learned not to share, not to pay the hostess back for her hospitality (which is what the mother was doing,) AND how to get catered to. Nice.




    Then she doesn't drink anything. That is her choice. A 13 year old guest is manipulating and guilt tripping you instead of learning to be grateful for your hospitality. And if you keep accommodating this, you aren't doing her favors. She will get worse. She doesn't have a health problem that needs to be accommodated. Everyone can drink water in a pinch. She has a mental problem of being spoiled. :rolleyes:

    And you are teaching your DD to accommodate this behavior. My BBF, the one with the mom who survived the holocaust, would have just laughed or shrugged. She would have set the cup on the table and let me know if I finally want water, I know where the faucet is and to serve myself if/when that time comes.

    What was this girl expecting when she said she didn't like water, for you to make her some lemonade or to rush to the store to buy Sprite? What is this teaching her? Homeschooling is more than about books. Teach her to have some manners and to adapt.[/QUOTE]


    ::yes::::yes::::yes::


    as I've mentioned, ds has autism and some eating quirks, but this kind of behavior does not fly in our house, or others. he knows how to politely decline food he doesn't care for, and how to adapt (doesn't care for sandwiches, so he asks if he can have the fillings absent the bread, doesn't drink milk so he always brings his own drink to school or when he's visiting others). this is also a big part of his life skills class at school and his group therapy, kids that truly have these issues learn skills to adapt not skills to manipulate others into catering to them.


    consider integrating a life skills (we used to call it 'home ec') component in your homeschooling-include meal planning and budgeting. have the kiddos plan it out a week in advance, that way the part-timer will know what's up and if she doesn't like what's being planned she can brown bag it.



    p.s. 4 kids consume almost a gallon of ice cream in a day (so there's not enuf for a second day's servings)??? that seems excessive. might want to integrate looking at serving sizes into life skills as well (again, my kiddo would adore this but it's a no-go so we get the cheap individual b-day type cups for portion control).
     
  6. Imzadi

    Imzadi Saved by an angel in a trenchcoat

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2004
    Messages:
    24,789
    Exactly! Everything I was saying. :thumbsup2


    Yes, the homeschooling that is being done is that this girl is learning how to manipulate, be selfish by sneaking in and eating half the donut holes, and how to get served all the junk that she wants to eat.

    There is a difference in being a gracious hostess, and being a gracious guest. Doesn't sound like she is being taught how to be an accommodating, gracious guest.


    Then we come to the crux of it all. you are a people pleaser and you aren't in charge of this situation because of it. This girl CAN and has manipulated you, because at CORE you'd rather be liked than do the right thing and teacher her properly: how to be a gracious guest.

    The "since she's paying me," excuse is just that, an excuse. What you are really asking yourself is, "Will she LIKE me if I. . ."

    If she said she wanted to put her hand in fire would you let her? No, you know that is unhealthy & unsafe. You wouldn't care if she didn't like you then. But, you do let her emotionally manipulate her into giving her the unhealthy foods she prefers. So basically this whole situation is about you being liked instead of sticking to your own routine, doing what is best for your family and the situation. And what you are role modeling to your own kids is that it is better to do anything to be liked, than to do the right thing.

    Seems like this is a teachable moment for you and for the girl. ;)
    You both need to learn about LIMITS. You need limits on what you will do to be liked. And to tolerate not being liked and to live through that. That your values and how you run your household is more important than being liked. That you won't throw them all away when someone enters your home. That how you raise your kids is acceptable and good for the other kids that come into your home. You don't throw them away just to be liked. You teach your kids this by role modeling this.

    This girl needs to learn the limits of what what a gracious guest is while in another's home. She needs to learn how to adapt. When given the opportunity of being asked what she likes, that yes, she can speak up, but she needs to learn the limits of asking for things that are reasonable and healthy. She also needs to learn the limits that not everything will or should be provided for.

    She also needs to learn that when a hostess is being gracious and overly-accommodating, she needs to grateful of what is being offered, and again to self-impose limits. Not to be greedy of what to ask for in these cases. She shouldn't be asking for special accommodations when there is nothing else to drink besides water. And she needs to learn not to eat other people's portions, that she eats the husband's portions and he has none. :rolleyes:
     
  7. anniemae

    anniemae Either she is eating a delicious

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2007
    Messages:
    3,398
    If it were me, I would hammer out some details with the other mom so there are no misconceptions and no angry feelings.

    I would ask the other mom to send her daughter with a lunch every day. Tell her it is too much stress for you to try to please her dd and this will make things easier for everyone. She can keep it in your fridge and if it needs to be microwaved, that's fine. That way there is no question or going back and forth, she pulls out her lunch and that's it for her. Done. I would tell her that I will provide breakfast and snacks only. she seems okay with your breakfasts right?
     
  8. Wendy31

    Wendy31 DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2005
    Messages:
    2,982
    I always hate when people don't come back to update their threads. "Wait a minute! What happened? How does the story end?" :rotfl2:

    So here I am w/ an update!

    DD's friend's mother texted me yesterday about something else, so, when I texted back, I said, "By the way..."

    And then I sort of explained how I'd been handling meals, that we normally did sandwiches once & something hot on the other day, & asked if her daughter was liking everything okay. I came right out & asked, "Does [her daughter's name] like sandwiches?"

    And she replied, "You are so sweet to be concerned about [daughter's name]'s lunch preferences. She tells me how good the food is when she is at your house. Sounds yummy to me also!"

    So, I'm not sure what the sneer was for when we had sandwiches last week! :confused3

    But now I know that sandwiches are perfectly fine w/ her mother, so I think I'm going to go ahead & continue with how I was doing things!

    Today, for lunch, we had sandwiches, sliced strawberries, plain chips, & baked beans.

    I also remembered to make lemonade.

    All this w/ a migraine! :thumbsup2

    I didn't buy ice cream this week, & she just finished off the ice cream from last week. And now my 4 year old is upset because there's no more ice cream for him.

    Anyway, thank you so much for all advice, support, & encouragement!
     
  9. Wendy31

    Wendy31 DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2005
    Messages:
    2,982
    [Bolding mine)

    Wanted to add... this is absolutely true. And I do need to learn this.

    Let me tell you a little secret about me... I've had this problem my entire life. Just last year, in church, our pastor, as part of a demonstration, asked each of us to write down on a piece a paper something that was holding us back from living to our full potential & then lay it on the altar. I wrote down on my piece of paper, "I am not enough."
     
  10. RadioNate

    RadioNate DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2002
    Messages:
    10,604
    I'm guessing you are reading WAY too much into a perceived "sneer" or other looks that aren't being expressed.

    Like so many have said, quit overthinking. Stop worrying, it has to be exhausting to live this way, you are fine.
     
  11. WDSearcher

    WDSearcher DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2002
    Messages:
    11,782
    This, exactly!

    My guess is that the perceived "sneer" was more along the lines of "teenage girl trying to figure out what to put on her sandwich when faced with a gazillion more choices than she normally has at home". :thumbsup2

    :earsboy:
     
  12. worm761

    worm761 <img src=http://photopost.wdwinfo.com/data/500/sw.

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2001
    Messages:
    6,548
    This is mostly just being a teen. Ignore that part.

    Though I will say, I am in my 30's and I really don't like my food to touch or mix. I am getting over it but I used to be like her that if something touched, I ate around that and would not eat the parts that touched.
     
  13. mrsklamc

    mrsklamc <font color=blue>I apologize in advance, but what

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2006
    Messages:
    9,544
    Side note; other than babies, don't people kind of NEED to drink water? I mean, you can survive without it, but it's not healthy right?
     
  14. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2002
    Messages:
    14,491
    Ohhhhh, I am not in any way thinking that the OP read to much into that reaction, aka 'sneer'.

    We ARE talking about a 13 year old teenaged girl! :rotfl:

    OP, Yes, I do think that you are a big people-pleaser... and you are placing too much value on these things that you are putting such effort into as a mother (wife, friend, etc....)

    Perspective can change a LOT!!!!!!

    And, if this girl is being 'forward' (like my DH's best buddy might have been.... again BTDT) and is eating all the ice-cream, pork sliders, etc.... YOU NEED TO BE PROACTIVE, AND NOT LET THAT EVEN HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO OCCUR. Only the snacks and fruit, etc... that you have placed out for the day should be fair game, especially on those two days that she is in your home, and especially without asking and clearing it with you. Other things should kind of be hidden away. Again, being proactive, and perspective! ;)
     
  15. elaine amj

    elaine amj DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,834
    Would it help you feel better if you had a stock of things she does like that is easy for her to prepare herself? Something like cup ramen noodles or forzen dinners? That way if she really doesn't like what you have out, she always has an alternative?

    I have exchange students from Japan (15 yr old girls!) every year for about two weeks. Talk about culture shock for them. The girls are always very polite and will eat whatever I serve. But I try to have a few easy things around so she can help herself whenever she wants.

    All part of growing up - learning to choke down a few things to be "polite".
     
  16. Pamlur

    Pamlur <font color="green">newbies DO get tags!!</font>

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2003
    Messages:
    1,279
    My daughter didn't want her food to touch until she was well into adulthood! She still has some texture issues with food, but there is no sign of autism there; she has three children and homeschools them. And she still eats what is on her plate, one item at a time.

    I also think you need to set a few limits; if you didn't buy ice cream for everybody, then what is left is saved for the youngest members of the household. But if she is accustomed to being able to just go in and get the ice cream, then she will continue to do so; she isn't used to sharing what is in the house. You have to voice the limits, even though it will nearly kill you to do that.

    I am also a people pleaser, but I am learning slowly that I can't please all the people, all the time.
     
  17. MomRN

    MomRN DIS Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2010
    Messages:
    945
    :rolleyes1

    I also hate for my food to touch. I'm better about being able to separate the contaminated food and eat around it now, but when I was a child I could not stand it.

    We eat off divided plates here.

    I also don't drink water very often. In fact, very, very rarely. It probably isn't healthy but I just don't care for water.

    ANNNNDDDDD... speaking from someone who spent a lot of time at friends house at that age I was always uneasy about getting into someone's fridge and making my own food. I would eat if someone offered a plate, or a friend offered to make me one of what they were having also, but to me to go into someone's fridge and just make my own food was rude.

    And her response "okay" to whether she likes something should be interpreted as "I don't want to be rude but it's not my favorite thing in the world."

    She's a typical teenager who is spending time with a friend. IMO, you are trying way too hard and way overthinking this. But it really is sweet you are concerned.
     
  18. Disney  Doll

    Disney Doll DIS Security Matron

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2000
    Messages:
    27,794
    Frankly I wouldn't be buying nor serving anything different for her than I did for the rest of my children.

    It's quite simple "This si what we re having for lunch. If you don't care for it make yourself a PBJ sandwich".

    Of course this is coming from a woman whose mother had a sign on the fridge that said "This isn't Burger King. You don't get it your way".

    Mom always made it very clear that she was not a short order cook in a diner so she would make one meal and we would like it and eat or we could eat PBJ or cereal.

    Amazingly enough, I survived. ;)

    Meanwhile this kid sounds a bit rude and a little bit of a PIA.
     

Share This Page