16 YR OLD DAUGHTER -18 BF-wwyd

[amyhughes]

Serious question: What is she getting from this guy that she can't get (or feels she can't get) elsewhere in her life?

Her parents don't like him.
Her friends don't like him.
He isn't buying her things (she's buying him things).
He isn't taking her places (she's taking him places).
She has been asked out by another guy, so it isn't that she's unattractive to other young men.

Girls don't hang out with guys like this for no reason. She's getting SOMETHING from this relationship -- what is it?

I've been in a similar situation. Family & friends hated my boyfriend. He was a leech ( I got to pay his gas money throughout college and Disney trips, and a laptop), took him to Disney World for his College graduation, and yeah had plenty of other opportunities to date other guys. He wasn't even that good looking when I look back at pictures. People just shook their heads for 3.5 years. But, I stuck with it to the bitter end. I was wrapped up and in there too deep to see what a complete *** I was being. I suppose looking back, I connected in some way with this guy. We had a similar brand of humor, he was out there in a way I had rarely seen. His personality (and this kills me) reminds me now of a con artist. And he was. We shared a job and he ended up stealing money from it, I got blamed. But, what I was getting out of it was someone who for whatever reason seemed to connect with me almost on a primal level. Weird I know. But, what are you gonna do? Not saying that is what is going on here, but sometimes you can just get taken in by someone even if that person is your poison.

 

[TammyP2335]

I'm in the same boat and know the feeling all to well.............

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree this is a parenting issue. I KNOW i could pursue a legal stand on this issue. That is why, I have not. Plus, I have two boys and know it could be them some day( although, i am confident that it won't be).

But I have tried talking to this guy rationally, angrily, and calmly. It has not helped. My husband is NOT standing with me on this decision. He believes, she must learn the hard way..and eventually she will come around. He grew up in a CONTROL FREAK atmosphere, and does anything he can to prevent that from happening here.

I just feel frustrated.

That explains his stupidity. Most father's would have put their foot down from the beginning.

It is about balance and not "control". Too lax or too strict are the same amount of crappy parenting. Your DH is an absent parent.

Your marriage must be in the toilet which does not help the situation.

How could you respect a man who doesn't care that his dd is going down the tubes?

My parents were too lax as well.

 

[RadioNate]

I agree this is a parenting issue. I KNOW i could pursue a legal stand on this issue. That is why, I have not. Plus, I have two boys and know it could be them some day( although, i am confident that it won't be).

But I have tried talking to this guy rationally, angrily, and calmly. It has not helped. My husband is NOT standing with me on this decision. He believes, she must learn the hard way..and eventually she will come around. He grew up in a CONTROL FREAK atmosphere, and does anything he can to prevent that from happening here.

I just feel frustrated.

Having been in a similar situation as your DD in HS, I can't not stress to you how worried about you and your DD I am.

I'm am SICK, about your husbands position on this.

Unfortunately, I believe in your DD's eyes she believes her father doesn't care about her. Yes, I understand that is irrational but she isn't rational. By him not getting involved, by him allowing her to 'learn the hard way' he is just re-affirming her believe that he doesn't love her. To her, her father cares so little about her that he isn't even concerned that this guy is mentally and emotionally abusing her.

It is sad and twisted but right now she feels unlovabed and unloveable and this losers desperate need for her fills the void.

By his need not to control her...he has unintentionally let her believe he doesn't love her. So she found a male that does.

I really hate to be a Dis psycoligist. And in truth I don't know you or your DD. All I can tell you is how I felt and how my father's absent actions made me feel. All I can tell you is what I wish my parents would have done to help me get out of a bad boyfriend situation in HS.

And "learn the hard way"?? Does your DH understand what that means??? Pregnancy, which will tie her to this guy forever, unless she has an abortion which under the best circumstances has the potention to reek emotional havoc. STDs, HIV, drug use? Further declining self esteem? Are these really risks he is willing to take??

 

[SC Minnie]

Having been in a similar situation as your DD in HS, I can't not stress to you how worried about you and your DD I am.

I'm am SICK, about your husbands position on this.

Unfortunately, I believe in your DD's eyes she believes her father doesn't care about her. Yes, I understand that is irrational but she isn't rational. By him not getting involved, by him allowing her to 'learn the hard way' he is just re-affirming her believe that he doesn't love her. To her, her father cares so little about her that he isn't even concerned that this guy is mentally and emotionally abusing her.

It is sad and twisted but right now she feels unlovabed and unloveable and this losers desperate need for her fills the void.

By his need not to control her...he has unintentionally let her believe he doesn't love her. So she found a male that does.

I really hate to be a Dis psycoligist. And in truth I don't know you or your DD. All I can tell you is how I felt and how my father's absent actions made me feel. All I can tell you is what I wish my parents would have done to help me get out of a bad boyfriend situation in HS.

And "learn the hard way"?? Does your DH understand what that means??? Pregnancy, which will tie her to this guy forever, unless she has an abortion which under the best circumstances has the potention to reek emotional havoc. STDs, HIV, drug use? Further declining self esteem? Are these really risks he is willing to take??

I actually kind of agree with this. OP, please ask your DH to be a play a more active role in your DD's like.

My 19 yo niece says she is getting married to her loser 23 yo boyfriend. He finally got a full time job last month after getting fired from his part time job at a grocery store 2 years ago. He was fired because he was to lazy to show up for work. He has absolutely no drive what so ever. I have a bad feeling that if they do get married she will be supporting him forever.

My niece told my Mom that one of the reasons she was staying with him was because of my brother (her dad). She didn't feel like she deserved better. My brother divorced her Mom 11 years ago and moved out of state. He calls regularly but only sees the kids about 4 times a year. When they go to see him his new wife's family is always there (she has older children and young grandchildren). My niece confessed to my mom that she felt like her dad was never there for her and that was all she ever wanted. She wanted him to not only be there for the 'milestones' but for the little things too. To hang out watching a movie on a Sat afternoon or just do the small things that we think are mundane and inconsequential.

 

[barkley]

Manning, have you seen any recent application and/or inforcement of this statute in the case of a 16 and 18 year old having consentual sex???? I would be surprized...

OP: As you had said, the specific legalities may not be the issue here...
Please re-read my post, just above.

look to california for enforcement. they define their age of consent as 18 and any 18 year old who engages in sexual intercourse with a minor (to whom they are not married-because marriage automaticaly emancipates the minor into adult status) no more than 3 years younger than themself is guilty of a misdemeanor (if there's more than 3 years difference it can be upgraded to a felony). jail time and civil penalties can be imposed (less than 2 years age difference $2000, at least 2 years-$5000, 3 years-$10,000).

california became very proactive as part of it's efforts to reduce teen pregnancy. it was routine when a minor pregnant teen made application for public assistance programs and it was learned that the father was 18 or older for a report to go to the district attny's office for prosecution (it was one of the biggest ways to find these situations outside of parental reporting-allot of private insurance for even well insured people does'nt cover their teen's pregnancy so they would try to get them on a gov. medical program or they would opt to use the state's child support enforcement program which looked to the age of the father as well). there's allot of young men in california with misdemeanor convictions for this on their records.

 

[cruellababy]

just sending hugs to you OP! You're DH needs to be more proactive; your DD it sounds like is searching for something in that relationship, that maybe has to do with the father/daughter relationship. I hope all turns out well for all of you!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP: Are you still here...

Read SC Minnie and RadioNate's posts again! ( as well as my recent post that convey the same concerns )

Your more recent post are 'telling'.

It all seems to make sense now.

Why are you quote: 'Frustrated'... I think you are frustrated because you do not feel you can act, because of your husbands issues.

I also am assuming by the different use of the titles "her father" and "my husband" that you are not married to your DD's father. Thus, it sounds like she has an absent father, and an emotionally absent 'indifferent' step-father.

YOU are this girls mother, and her primary guardian...

If issues with the men involved are affecting the situation here (and I do believe that they are) so that her father buys her the car, etc..., the stepfather refuses to have any doings whatsoever and sounds emotionally absent..., and as the mother, you sit by, unable to take reasonable actions and enforce reasonable boundaries and controlls, feeling like you can take no action as the mother (because of the issues with the men involved)... Then this is NOT good, and is having a true and lasting detrimental affect on your daughter.

DO NOT FAIL YOUR DAUGHTER.

She needs to go to school this year, and have 'friends' and a positive life.. NOT to end up manipulated, controlled, pregnant, broke, etc... before she even becomes an adult.

She is in over her head... she could be going down for the third time before the dust settles... Something tells me that while she may be uncontrollably angry if you take action... It will not be long before she feels a HUGE weight lifted off her shoulders, and is actually thankful that you stepped in. Even if, of course, whe would NEVER show or admit it!

If the age of consent in your state is indeed 17, then if all other measure fail... (removing the car, the cell, the job, etc..) Then, personally, I would consider using this legality to obtain a restraining order against this guy.

I know how hard his must be for you!!
We are all just offering our thoughts in a genuine effort to help.

 

[Camicar]

My husband is NOT standing with me on this decision. He believes, she must learn the hard way..and eventually she will come around. He grew up in a CONTROL FREAK atmosphere, and does anything he can to prevent that from happening here.

The rule in our house is that when in doubt, the stricter parent wins. This has worked well.

If kids learn best by learning the hard way, then why don't we just kick kids out of the house at age 12 and let them live on the street? We are parents to give our children guidance, boundaries and the wisdom we've acquired thru life. If we're not giving them those three things, we don't deserve to have children.

I should add that I had a loser boyfriend in high schooo. I was well aware, however, that he was a loser and planned to dump him when I got to college. One of the main reasons he was my boyfriend was that having a boyfriend got me out of my house, where I was the family drudge and/or ignored. He did things for me, as opposed to me constantly having to do everything for others. My boyfriend paid me attention -- good or bad, at least someone was paying me attention, someone was telling me he loved me.

So I'd be asking what your dd is getting out of this relationship and try and find ways to negate her positives.

 

[frndshpcptn]

Having been in a similar situation as your DD in HS, I can't not stress to you how worried about you and your DD I am.

I'm am SICK, about your husbands position on this.

Unfortunately, I believe in your DD's eyes she believes her father doesn't care about her. Yes, I understand that is irrational but she isn't rational. By him not getting involved, by him allowing her to 'learn the hard way' he is just re-affirming her believe that he doesn't love her. To her, her father cares so little about her that he isn't even concerned that this guy is mentally and emotionally abusing her.

It is sad and twisted but right now she feels unlovabed and unloveable and this losers desperate need for her fills the void.

By his need not to control her...he has unintentionally let her believe he doesn't love her. So she found a male that does.

I really hate to be a Dis psycoligist. And in truth I don't know you or your DD. All I can tell you is how I felt and how my father's absent actions made me feel. All I can tell you is what I wish my parents would have done to help me get out of a bad boyfriend situation in HS.

And "learn the hard way"?? Does your DH understand what that means??? Pregnancy, which will tie her to this guy forever, unless she has an abortion which under the best circumstances has the potention to reek emotional havoc. STDs, HIV, drug use? Further declining self esteem? Are these really risks he is willing to take??

I was also in a very similar situation. Please tell your DH to get more involved - I often wish my parents had been more strict with me in HS re: losers. I dated a guy for 4 years (2 years high school, 2 college) who was significantly older and I lost out on a lot of experiences with my true girlfriends that I really regret now...plus I lost out on dating some great guys in college.

 

[RadioNate]

I was also in a very similar situation. Please tell your DH to get more involved - I often wish my parents had been more strict with me in HS re: losers. I dated a guy for 4 years (2 years high school, 2 college) who was significantly older and I lost out on a lot of experiences with my true girlfriends that I really regret now...plus I lost out on dating some great guys in college.

That is my biggest regret too. I missed so much. I don't even remember my Sophomore and Junior years aside from all the boyfriend drama. I completely remember counting down the days until he left for the army. I was in so far over my head that I had no clue how to dig myself out.

It makes me so sad to see other girls making the same mistakes I did.

 

[SeeVee]

Possibly....I'll have to check to make sure. I can't remember was the picture of himself or someone else. It might be Unlawful Transactions with a minor, but since they have been having consentual sex with mom letting her daughter get on the pill, it might not be much of a case.

Once again, I'm not saying it's right, but laws usually aren't designed to protect 16 year olds from their 18 year old boyfriend, unless there is abuse of some sort. I feel for the OP. I have 2 DDs myself, I'm just not sure she legally wants to pursue this. That would not put her daughter in a good situation since her daughter's actions are voluntary and have been since the boy himself was a minor. I think this is a parenting issue, not a legal issue.

It does not matter who the picture was of.

And there you go again, putting the onus of legitmate beahvior on a child. The parent,,,you know, they person who gave birth and is responsible for the that child until 18 years of age, is who the onus is on.

Parents with a carefree attitude like the one you dispaly frighten me.

 

[kristen821]

What are you NOT getting? She is NOT making mature decisions. It is a parents job to do all they can to keep their children out of trouble. It is NOT a parents job to give a child enough rope to hang her/himself. That is just stupidty!!!!!!!!!! Would you give a child matches and a gas can and hope he mature enough not to test hte combustiblility? Would you give a child a gun and bullets and trust their maturity not to shoot it? WOuld you give a give a sex partner and a pill hope she has the maturity to not end up pregnant and wth a skewed view of what love is?..............nevermind that last one.

I understand she isn't making a mature decision, nobody does at 16. I'm just saying the more you try to keep them apart the more she'll want him. I'm not arguing with you it is just my opinion like you have your opinion. I am just basing my opinion off of what I went through as a teen.

 

[disneymarie]

going to try and shortened 2 years of drama.

At first we like this boy. He was a junior, she was a freshman. He was a clean cut, nice boy. His family was not wealthy, but they did the best they could. His grandparents were raising him.

Off and on for 1.5 years....always drama, always excuses.
January 08--daughter's window gets vandalized. She swears at the time it was the BF(they were broke up )...of course, later, she denies it was him. She gets asks to Winter Formal by another nice guy at school. I spend $500.00 for a formal dress. He finds out...begs her to come back to him...but refuses to go to the dance. She missed PROM because of him, she went to Homecoming her sophomore year BY HERSELF because he would not go. She is WASTING her high school years with a LOSER.
February 08-he drops out of school and attends the alternative high school for high risk students.
He does NOT have a drivers license because he can not afford car insurance.
Spring 08- I find him driving her CAR( that my DH bought). I told him he was not to drive her car. He just laughs at me. He smokes in her car.(cigs)
May 08--finally gets a job(min. wage) but, hey its a job. Still does not have a car and relies on friends to take him everywhere.
July 08-quits his job, because he "doesn't like it". now is UMEMPLOYED AGAIN
August 08- calls me a very very bad name, and tells me his mom is coming to beat my butt! Cops are called. The cops are appaulled that my daughter is hanging out with such "ghetto trash" and his "harley biker mom". They try and convince her that he is bringing her down to his level. The cops tell him I could have him arrested because he is of age, and she is 16. I tell the POLICE that is not my goal, I just want him to leave her alone. That she is paying for everything they do...she drives him around town...and he is basically living off my 16 year old daughter and she allows it. This relationship is NOT good for her.

August 08-I find very pornographic pictures of him that he sent to her on her cellular phone. With graphic details of what he wants to do with her. I immediatly turn off her pic messaging. I tell him...to stay away from my daughter again, and that those pics could COULD get him years in jail.

She works almost 40 hours a week at Target during the summer. School is starting next week, where she gets a B average, and will continue to work 15-20 hours a week. WHILE he sits around doing nothing.....

She does not see why we are so angry! She doesn't understand our disdain for this guy.

In March, I found out they were having sex. I put her on the PILL because, I did not want a pregant 16 year old and I knew telling her to stop was NOT going to work. I personnally hand feed her the pill every night....It is the only thing keeping me a little sane!

any ideas out there!

As a former police officer and Mom, I would absolutly use the pics and bring charges. Even it it mediates that a no contact order then do it!
There is no way just you can control this. Once dd sees the extent the law takes it to....sending this to a minor is extremly serious. You are the one with the phone account, you do it. IF she throughs a hissy fit tell her how many sites on the Internet these guys use and end up on looking for fresh girls.

She will soon be old to him. At least with a protection, stay away order and hold charges in abiance for say 6 months, this seperates them. She may try sneaking around, but when he ends up busted over her, he will move on to another target.

At 16 she does not get it...I didn't when a guy I was crazy for, older, went in the service, wrote to me Mom had a fit....I found out later he was a flasher.
Bust his butt and if that Harley Mom wants apiece she can be added to an order for terroristic threats and any other nonsense they want to play. Out play them!
Some day your dd will be a Mom and get it.
di
PS you have to ball to go all the way to jail for him, or mediate with good behavior. You do not have to jail him, the moment he violates and he will, he puts himself in jail long enough to know he won't want to go back.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I understand she isn't making a mature decision, nobody does at 16. I'm just saying the more you try to keep them apart the more she'll want him. I'm not arguing with you it is just my opinion like you have your opinion. I am just basing my opinion off of what I went through as a teen.

Kristin, see the word and the sentence I bolded above. I do not know how old you are, or if you are a mature parent.... But I did suspect that your opinion was based on a teen's viewpoint.

We do understand that this is your opinion.... BUT, the big thing that we are saying here is that this OP needs to make a mature parental decision based on her adult status and her adult responsibilities as a parent.

Any parent who makes decisions based on what the child/teen 'wants' is VERY VERY misguided and following a dangerous path.

 

[CTrumble]

sending porn over airways to minor--felony
soliciting porn over airways from minor--felony
sexual battery--msdmr
contributing to deliquency of minor--msdmr

charges that come to mind in the state I live in.....sure there are many more...

 

[Todd&Copper]

Geez, this whole thing sounds like a Lifetime movie, where the young girl falls for the bad boy, starts to spiral down, friends help her back up, but then she seeks "closure" with the boy or he tries to woo her back and then she ends up dead or in jail for a crime she didn't commit. Or maybe like that movie Fear with Marky Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon.

No advice, but good luck, OP.

 

[Ronda93]

I like the strictest parent wins rule. No one has to play the heavy every time.

OP your DD needs, craves boundaries. She is the perfect target for this loser... car, money, phone, sex... why wouldn't he hang out with her?

If you husband won't help, you have to do this alone. You have to sacrifice convenience for her future. No phone, no car, not a single luxury. Even losers can do cost benefit analysis and she'll soon fail his test. Another girl with a car will put out, too.

 

[Katie]

Thanks everybody.

We (my husband, me, and DD) have a counselor appointment at seven tonight.

Daughter not happy, but not fighting it as I expected. Told her we needed a third party's opinion. Took her keys away from her two days ago. The phone will be the next thing. I am monitoring activity on it daily.


Wish us luck!

 

[Wishing on a star]

You got it...

Luck, Prayers, Thoughts, Pixie Dust, and Good Wishes!!!!!