Adult daughter nasty to me this week-end

[disneyfans95]

What does her being divorced matter? Stuff like that, maybe you are harping on something and she got mad?

Either way she sent flowers and said sorry.. What else do you want?

Mountain, mole hill, that whole thing.

 

[maxiesmom]

We go down to visit about every 6 weeks to see our kids and granddaughter. My son has a very small house and my daughter has much more room. Actually we bought the house when she short saled her home so she had a decent place to go. I NEVER would mention this to her so that is not in the equation.

I think it does matter, at least in the back of your mind, or why would you mention it here? Maybe you feel a bit that it is your house, or she owes her house to you? At least just a little? Maybe your daughter feels that way too and that is why she over-reacted to the coffee thing.

 

[Riles_and_Gabe]

OP I am so sorry. I am really close to my Mom (in fact she lives about the same distance from me...2 hours). My Mom has helped me out so much in so many things as well. I know on occassion I have hurt my Mom's feelings and at first I couldn't see why her feelings would be hurt. She is really good at ananylizing things and ususally a couple of days later she will be able to tell me specifically what was bothering her.

Maybe after a couple of days, you can tell her specifically what hurt your feelings and why you feel they were unjustified. It would also help if you can try to see things from your DD's side and make sure you relay your understandings to her as well.

I hope whatever happens, you are able to mend your relationship back.

 

[padams]

Which child has the granddaughter? If the son is the father, then maybe DD gets tired of being your bed and breakfast hostess every 6 weeks for you to see the grandchild. She probably feels she can't say anything because you own her house. Even if she's the mom, she is likely tired of always being the host. It's not exactly her fault her brother has a smaller place. I think your clue is her comment that you could stay withh the brother.

It's only 2 hours away. You could visit as a day trip. If you really don't want to drive home the same day, stay no more than one night or get a real motel room.

 

[mom2cookies]

As a mom that has to fight for a connection with my youngest daughter, let me offer my 2 cents.
Not sure how long ago this happen, but i would suggest that you appreciate her apology, but are afraid of upsetting her again in the future. Could she explain or point out exactly what it was that upset her. Then if she is interested in this conversation, take what she has to say seriously but don't dwell on it. Then let the whole situation go.

 

[MissManda]

Sounds like she was probably just having a bad moment (which could have been caused by any number of things) and unfortunately, you got the brunt of it. If this behavior is not normaly and she sent flower and apologized then I think you should let it go. No point in letting it upset you (although I understand the need the vent a little).

I find it odd that she had an issue with how you make coffee....I'm not a huge coffee drinker so I guess I didn't realize that there were different ways. Oh well.

 

[dakcp2001]

Which child has the granddaughter? If the son is the father, then maybe DD gets tired of being your bed and breakfast hostess every 6 weeks for you to see the grandchild. She probably feels she can't say anything because you own her house. Even if she's the mom, she is likely tired of always being the host. It's not exactly her fault her brother has a smaller place. I think your clue is her comment that you could stay withh the brother.

It's only 2 hours away. You could visit as a day trip. If you really don't want to drive home the same day, stay no more than one night or get a real motel room.

Sounds like since you bought the house, you feel like you can come and go as you please. Or at least, that is how she sees it. But well, if you paid for it, you can do that. Or she can buy it from you, and if she can't then she just has to deal. Might be one of the downsides of having someone buy you a house.

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

What does her being divorced matter? Stuff like that, maybe you are harping on something and she got mad?

Either way she sent flowers and said sorry.. What else do you want?

Mountain, mole hill, that whole thing.

The OP's feelings were hurt. Even if some folks don't think it's worth being upset over, they are her feelings and are therefore valid.
OP, no answers for a cranky daughter, just

 

[disneyfans95]

The OP's feelings were hurt. Even if some folks don't think it's worth being upset over, they are her feelings and are therefore valid.
OP, no answers for a cranky daughter, just

And daughter sent flowers. It was nothing to begin with. I mean people do blow off steam at times, and you don't have to write a 200 page apology, send gifts and puppies to be forgiveness.

Sorry you know, can actually mean Sorry.

 

[deserrai]

I get very snippy at my mother when she comes to visit, which is not often. I like things done my way in my house and I get annoyed with her. I think it is somewhat normal although I will admit to being a control freak. I'm sure I will get it all in return when my daughter has a home of her own.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

You mention you were making morning coffee - so I'm guessing she hadn't had her coffee yet? Believe me, I have many friends that it is NOT a good idea to have a conversation with before they've had that coffee. Maybe that's all it was, and once she got a good dose of caffeine in her she felt bad and so sent you the flowers. I'd try to forget about it.

TP

 

[thumpersfriend]

I am appreciating all this advice and insight, really did not have anyone I wanted to share this with that knows my daughter. Too private between us. Maybe she does feel upset that we bought her home, she did the down payment and pays everything and I forget that she doesn't legally own it. I comment all the time what great taste she has etc. Also I am always telling her how proud I am of her. But maybe this is the problem, the house. My granddaughter has autism and my daughter (her aunt) is so awesome with her. She is my only grandchild. So my daughter loves to have her over and

we all have a great time, so I know she is not jealous of her.

 

[Sabeking]

Family arguments are awful. Hearing things about ourselves and our behavior can be a real punch in the gut. Even if those things may not all be true she feels that way for some reason. I would take what she said; humble myself and reflect on whether some of those things were valid and something I need to work on. I'm not saying it is easy but we can all be prideful at times.

The fact that she said she was sorry and sent flowers certainly is an olive branch. She obviously loves you and maybe some of those things she was bothered with came from being in each others space for awhile. You know what they say, " what do fish and company have in common? They both start stinking after two days!"

I would have an honest conversation with her when you are in a better place and you both might find your relationship stronger than ever! You will work it out.

 

[mdsoccermom]

I am appreciating all this advice and insight, really did not have anyone I wanted to share this with that knows my daughter. Too private between us. Maybe she does feel upset that we bought her home, she did the down payment and pays everything and I forget that she doesn't legally own it. I comment all the time what great taste she has etc. Also I am always telling her how proud I am of her. But maybe this is the problem, the house. My granddaughter has autism and my daughter (her aunt) is so awesome with her. She is my only grandchild. So my daughter loves to have her over and

we all have a great time, so I know she is not jealous of her.

So, the grandchild isn't her child? I agree with a previous poster. Maybe she's a little tired of you treating the house like a B&B every few weeks.

 

[thumpersfriend]

I hope she does not think we think of her place as a B&B! Often when we go down it is because she asks us down because she has projects for her dad or myself, so it is an extra trip and we can see our granddaughter. This would be a bad thing if she thought ,that but you could be right. My husband does not want to go down now at all, he was very upset also but doesn't express it like I do.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

I sometimes get irritated with little things my mother say and does, but I would never speak to her the way your daughter spoke to you. That said, she did apologize and send flowers, so she knows she was out of line. I think you have to let it go.

I would talk to your daughter (after an appropriate cooling off period) about your every-6-weeks visits. Ask if you are imposing or if she would like you to stay at a hotel instead.

 

[DawnM]

Agreed!

OP, relationships can be tricky and anytime there are humans involved, we get hurt.

I am really hoping you can get past this with her and let it go and not have to feel like it will never be repaired again.



Dawn

The OP's feelings were hurt. Even if some folks don't think it's worth being upset over, they are her feelings and are therefore valid.
OP, no answers for a cranky daughter, just

 

[ccgirl]

My adult daughter who is 36, divorced was so nasty to me this past week-end and really took the wind out of my sails. I have been crying and can't seem to get past it yet. She sent me flowers and apologized but I am still upset.

It started when we were visiting for a few days and I was making coffee for morning and she wanted me to do it differently and said if I couldn't do it the way she wanted we could go stay with my son and dil instead. I was shocked and the next day I couldn't stop crying. She could tell I was upset but then she had to tell me the things about me that drive her crazy. Says I interrupt and ask too many questions, or ask stupid questions. Also says that I try to one up her when there are get togethers and bring a dish to pass. I now am afraid to say anything to her and have it be the wrong thing. Anyone have this type of experience and have any words of wisdom, I am 63 years old and usually fairly well liked and respected.

I did ask her if anything new was going on in her life and she said no and not to make this about her. We usually werevery close.

Can I ask why you felt the need to mention she was divorced?

My mom and I are in the same age frame as you and your daughter. She is starting to drive me crazy too. I just told her straight up, my house my rules. She, too, cried. I just don't get the drama. Should I have to (your daughter as well) not say anything for fear of hurting your feelings? I actually had the conversation with my mother just this morning about how she interrupts. It is rude. I was trying to have a conversation with my own DD10 and she kept interrupting when both of us were talking. I kindly asked her to stop interrupting so I could finish my sentence. To which she replied, "well, excuse me for talking." Again, rude. Since I was a child, I have not been a morning person. Yet, she wants to have these deep conversations with my every morning. I try to tell her nicely that I am just not a morning person but she doesn't listen. She watches my children when I go to work so I see her every day though.

Just because she had a disagreement with you just not mean she disrespects you. Maybe she respects you enough to want to have a conversation with you?

In either case, talk to her but no need to cry. Talk to her like you are both adults. Good luck.

 

[RadioNate]

What does her being divorced matter? Stuff like that, maybe you are harping on something and she got mad?

Either way she sent flowers and said sorry.. What else do you want?

Mountain, mole hill, that whole thing.

That was my first observation. That the OP mentioned that he daughter was divorced. Why is that relevant? Then the house thing....ugh.

Based on my own experience getting divorced, could you be doing a little too much "mothering?" A little too involved in everything. Yes, during the divorce your daughter likely needed you to listen, to offer support, she even may have needed you to take care of things. Has it been awhile? She is likely healing, moving on and reestablishing herself. When you get divorced EVERYTHING changes. You change. It is a rough road because your entire identity shifts, your vision of yourself and your future has to be reestablished. The level of support needed lessens as you heal and become more confident.

I know with my own mother, in her quest to make sure I'm ok...she asks A LOT of questions. I understand she doesn't want to see me hurt but the play by play is unnecessary and tiresome.

In this situation it seems you brought more drama into it. You cried all day? You can't stop crying over this? Even after she apologized AND sent flowers?

It is extremely disruptive to have house guests every 6 weeks. They invade your space, upset your routine. The house is a sticky situation. I'm guessing that decision was made at the most tumultuous time in her life. Mention it or not, she KNOWS you own that house. I'm sure has emotions wrapped up in that.

Accept the apology and MOVE ON. Spread out the visits a bit and split the burden between both your children.

 

[thumpersfriend]

The only reason I mentioned that she was divorced is so you all knew that a husband was not involved. Actually I was behind her 100% with the divorce. It is true that we don't like to hear negative things about ourselves. I will have to work them out but I really feel that I will not be able to be myself and will always be on edge and say the wrong thing. I get so excited to see them that maybe I do talk too much or interrupt so i can get more information. I honestly did not realize that I did that. But , the kids love my cooking and so I like to make their favorite dishes but won't be able to do that anymore because she thinks that I am upstaging her. That was a shocker to me. I love my daughter and she has the biggest heart, and I am very proud of that.

We are asked to come down to visit, and since we are only 2 hours away it is usually only overnight. But we can make it day trips I guess. I'm starting to feel a little better now.