Discussion in 'Community Board' started by thumpersfriend, Feb 7, 2013.
Sorry, duplicate post.
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I like this post!!! Fortunately, I don't have much experience with this. My parents only minorly get on my nerves. I have found it best to tell them right away. If I try to keep it in, I start getting cranky and then I am more apt to behave like your daughter did, by being snappy.
That said, my best friend has two lovely parents. They come to visit her once or twice a year. During that time my friend is nearly driven insane. Her parents are terrible guests. They have no boundaries. I won't even go into all the things they do but my friend is a basketcase by the time they leave. Over the years, she is getting better about telling them but has bottled it up for so long.
I think it's terrible that close family members have to fear making someone cry when they are trying to express that you might be doing something bothersome. Certainly your daughter should not have snapped at you. But I think you have to cut her some slack. She did know she came off badly. I also think that you need to examine your behaviors in her home. It seems to be a common factor that visiting parents seem to be absolutely clueless about their behaviors when they stay with their grown children.
I just had this flashback to the one and only time I tried to cook Thanksgiving dinner for my Mother.
My husband refers to it as "The 2005 gravy incident."
Wow, I have to say as a mom to adult daughters that some of the responses hurt me. I pray my daughters don't feel about me like that. OP, I feel for you and hope things improve.
Do you pay your mother to watch your child every day while you work? If not, be thankful you have a mother who will watch her. I don't have one who would do that.
I am sorry you are hurting. I hope in a few days you will feel better about this and the hurt will lessen for you.
I'm a mom to a growing daughter and I really hope things like this never come to pass between us. I understand why you're upset, OP.
And for you who think that crying is manipulative drama, I guess it depends on your history. I know for me, it would be an honest reaction to surprise, disappointment and hurt. I don't hold those feelings in anymore - I have enough turmoil inside without trying to make everyone around me think I am tough enough to take all the hits and keep on coming.
We can sit here and speculate for days; maybe it's you, maybe it's her, maybe it's both of you. It doesn't matter. We are simply speculating. This is a situation you will absolutely need to address with your daughter. While she may have apologized, I'm guessing there was some truth in what she said.
Personally, in situations like these, I find it much easier to communicate through written words (email) rather than face to face or on the phone. You have a lot invested in this and you are very emotional. If you are trying to talk and all you are doing is crying, she may end up not telling you the entire truth because she doesn't want to hurt you.
Send her a letter. Tell her you accept her apology, but you recognize that there are some things that you are doing that are bothering her and you would like to see if you can fix those things. It is worth seeing what the issues really are and it is always worth trying to restore that mother / daughter bond. It may not work, but you need to at least make the effort.
This is the reason that DH and I stay at a hotel when we go to visit the parents.
We have a place to "escape" to if needed, can have a little privacy, don't have to worry about other people's kitchens, bathrooms, bed linens, etc.
And can come and go on our schedule.
Worth every nickel.
If I were your mother I would tell you to start looking for daycare!
To the OP, I get what you say when you like to cook your kids' favorites when you come visit. My MIL does the same thing because it's important to her and it's one way she shows her son, my DH, that she loves him. I'm sure you do it for the same reasons. If she feels like you're upstaging her with the cooking, she's obviously not seeing it as a show of love. Do you ask her if she'd like you to cook for her? She might be seeing it as you invading her space, her territory. That's how I used to feel with my MIL until I realized that DH was asking her to make his favorites when she visited.
If cooking is a big deal to her, then maybe you could ask her to make something for you? But you definitely need to ask her about these things because it sounds like there may be a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication between the 2 of you. Good luck.
It sounds like you are super grateful too. I would never talk to my Mother so rudely.
I'm sorry, but I can't believe this "event" warranted an entire thread on the Disboards. Parents and kids fight. Mothers and daughters especially. It's been like that since the beginning of time. I love my mother dearly, but there have certainly been times when I have been nasty to her and vice versa (especially when she comes to visit me or I go visit her). We make up and everything's fine. I can't imagine either of us thinking about it enough to cry about it all day long and post about it on the internet. And yes, some of the things that have been said are what you posted about.
I totally agree with a PP, don't get the drama.
I am sorry that you were hurt. Sounds like your daughter realized she hurt you and apologized and sent the flowers so I would try to let it go.
You said earlier that she has always been snippy, so maybe part of the reason that you are taking it more personally this time is possibly a change in you lately being a little more sensitive?
From what you said, she is 36, divorced, no kids and you & your DH had to help her get a home. You go to visit every six weeks to see her and your son who is married with a granddaughter. And you your DH are married.
So maybe right now, she is also sensitive because her marriage didn't work, she needed financial help from you and her life maybe didn't go the way she expected.
And maybe she really does feel that you interrupt and ask too many questions. And maybe you DO do those things. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. I have kids and I ask a lot of questions, I'm Mom, you know? I want to know things. But as my kids get older, and they are only teenagers, they don't want to tell me every little thing. So I'm learning to back off a little.
Our kids will always be our kids. No matter how old they get, we will always want to mother them. And sometimes our kids lash out because they know we will always love them, no matter what. Your daughter said some things that hurt you, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Think of that, instead of dwelling on what was said.
As an adult daughter, I've snapped at my mother before. (Haven't we all, honestly?) Part of the reason I snap is because I love my mom dearly and I know she loves me unconditionally, so I'm more raw and honest with her than I would be with most people. I do feel, sometimes, as many daughters do, that the advice my mom gives me is tinged with judgement or criticism.
All of which is to say, OP, that I'm both really sorry that you and your daughter aren't getting along and also think, very honestly, that you need to accept her apology and move on. She clearly feels bad about it, she's apologized, and she's offered a token of her apology.
If you genuinely feel like your daughter, who is by all accounts a great person, shouldn't receive your forgiveness for a snippy comment after she's apologized in word and in deed, then, honestly, I think some self-examination might be in order.
Ashley, I am also surprised that this thread has lasted as it has. But I am so thankful that others took their time to try to help someone out and to also see other sides to the problem. I am feeling so much better now and so happy that I could ask for help with this situation. Some of the things said I did not want to hear but realize that it will help me out. This is a place where you can ask for a little insight without involving other family members and possibly cause more drama, lots of very intelligent and compassionate people.here. Thanks so much everyone.
I am glad that your feeling more calm and the drama can settle down!
I did post very early in the thread, and I have to admit that I did so as one who had mis-read the 'maybe stay with son and dil' thing.
It does sound like a classic case of mother/daughter angst.... and some boundary issues thrown in. It sounds like a combination of the two of you.
Your daughter does seem to be overly emotional and defensive.
I haven't read everything here. But I am getting some insecurity and defensiveness. Could be due to any number of reasons.
But, as the old adage goes..... You cannot change or control or be responsible for the attitudes and actions of others... but you must be responsible for your own.
Hopefully you can smooth things over, and possibly be more aware and make some minor adjustments on your end... And things with your daughter can be better than ever!
OMG!!!! Just a side comment here... But, what is it with some women and ego and cooking!!!
My MIL is this way.
It would be a big issue to even bring things to contribute to Christmas dinner.
OP, my advice on that... When you are in her home, you really must defer. The coffee situation might be the perfect example of that. Don't jump in and assume.
At this stage, any remnant of a mother-child dynamic might not work out well.
Are you invited down or do you just tell her when you are coming?
If the kids love her cooking, then the DD needs to GET OVER IT. If my kids love something, I gladly step out of the way and let the other person do it. Only someone with a inferiority complex won't let others do it. It works both ways.
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