Question to all parents.

[Monte Cristo]

Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.

I totally understand what you are talking about here. My wife is hispanic and we deal with this every single day. My wife's whole family is in MA and they all live within a mile of each other. We, however, live 100 miles away in RI and my wife is constantly getting grief from her Mom, aunts, uncles, etc. Not 1 phone call goes by without something being said...especially now that grand kids are involved.

That being said she wanted her own life. We visit about once a month and they have come down to our house a few times.

I think ungreatful is a little strong of a term for it....I can't think of a better way to say it, but to me ungreatful doesn't quite fit.

It's been 15 years for her...guilt is still there, but it gets better with time. Good luck to you.

 

[cabanafrau]

Such a thorny issue when it's culturally ingrained like that. Seems logical that the children(grown adults, but child of the parent) need to pursue the life that will make them happy and prosper. To the parent/family it is probably scary and threatens what they have always known as the best, safest, happiest, etc. way to live and the way they were raised.

Be firm, but try to do it in the kindest way possible. I doubt your family wants you to remain with them or nearby because they want to ruin your life. I'm sure they want the best for you and for you to "break away" scares them and feels like rejection. Remember they love you.

Good luck. I've seen a lot of that with Polish families. It's so hard.

 

[Pigeon]

I would love it if they stay in the same general area, but they need to do what they need to do. I want them to be happy and successful.

But, if they want me to help out with any grandchildren then they do need to be close by.

 

[Wishing on a star]

As a self-supporting adult... No, parents should not dictate.

Cultural differences should not ignore healthy personal boundaries for children, women, etc... Whether Hispanic, Asian, Muslim, etc.... It is not right to say that lack of respect for personal boundaries and freedoms is okay 'because it is cultural'.

PS: I have had a bit of similar experience, while not cultural, the same boundaries and control and expectations and issues definitely applied.

 

[Mac4life30]

Thank you all for taking the time to write

 

[MissMichigan]

Nope. When I was 18 I got married and moved from Detroit to Tucson. Granted, my now ex-husband was military so we didn't have a choice, but my parents were very supportive. I was about to move back last year when going through the divorce, but started dating someone here and chose to stay. They were still supportive.

My DB now is Air Force, so as long as we're together I could end up anywhere...closer to home, farther, another country even. I know they;ll always support my choices for my life, and find a way to visit or get me home for visits.

If I ever have kids, I'll encourage them to do what they feel is right, support them in it, and help them get back home if and when it's needed.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I stayd put and my parents moved

They do come back in Summer though

My sis moved 1,000 miles away for a few years. We missed them, but nobody thought she was ungrateful, or doing it out of spite.

I was just about to post the same thing!! My parents moved 1800 miles away!

 

[ICF]

um, no. Might be a culture thing, but not IMO that doesnt make you someone a bad or ungrateful kid.

I love my kids, but I sure don't expect them to live with me all their lives (or even within a 10 minute radius) of me.

They will lead their life and live wherever that life takes them.

 

[SC Minnie]

Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.

No. Once my DD graduates from college I HOPE she finds a job and is able to move away from home. I would be grateful that I was able to raise her to be self sufficient.

 

[KimR]

I would not consider them ungrateful, but to be completely honest, I would be very unhappy. I understand that sometimes job circumstances require a move and you do what you have to do, but the thought of it depresses me. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my girls nearby. I do think that if all of them moved away, we would move as well to be close to at least one of them.

 

[NYEmomma]

My kiddos are all very young, but I'm pretty sure that if they grow up & move far away, I'll be crushed. I'd work very, very, very hard to make sure they never see me upset about it though. Missing them is MY issue to deal with, not theirs.

I'd be proud of them for being so independent though, as I'd never be able to move away from my parents and it's a personality trait that I wish I could change a bit. But I'd still sob like a little baby over it.

 

[PigletsPal2]

I stayd put and my parents moved

They do come back in Summer though

My sis moved 1,000 miles away for a few years. We missed them, but nobody thought she was ungrateful, or doing it out of spite.

We did the same thing to DD#1. She lived with my sister and BIL and attended college in Maryland while we packed up with DD#2 and moved half way around the world to Istanbul, Turkey!

This same sister tells people that our parents moved while she was on vacation and didn't leave a forwarding address! Partially true, we all knew their forwarding address.

Queen Colleen

 

[pixiewings71]

My DD24 moved from CA to ID when she was pg with my DGD3, I don't consider her ungrateful, I consider her successful. She and her husband have purchased a home, they both work great full time jobs and they are 24.

 

[joviroxx]

It really isn't about parents not wanting you to become independent. It's not about holding you back . Culturally , Cubans were raised that life IS about family. You do become independent but that is beside your family not away from it . They cannot imagine life not surrounded by family and can't figure why anyone would want to be away.

OP, the best you can do is thank them for raising you to be strong and secure enough to feel confident tools this move. Make sure you keep telling them that you are forever grateful for their love and support. It might not make it better but it can't hurt.

And remember To call ALL the time

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Simple question that I am currently dealing with.

If your kids decided to move away from home at an appropriate age would you consider them ungrateful? If they were moving to a different city/state/country would you consider them to be even more ungrateful?

My question comes as a Hispanic male son who is considering moving from Miami to Orlando. I however am getting all sorts of guilt trips from my Hispanic mom. The reason is that the mentality from a Hispanic is your kids live with you till they get married, they then move out but live no more than 10 miles from you and weekends are always spent together.

No, I would not consider them ungrateful. I raised my kids to go and have their own life.

Considering you "ungrateful" is a way to stop you from moving out and also getting "mad" is a way of "preparing" herself for you to leave.

Basic psychology.

 

[dana1003]

Hispanic female here( Puerto Rican) and I feel ya.. I have like 100 family members in queens and my immediate family 5 min away and no one has moved except one ! And that was my brother who moved to Ohio. He's been gone 3 years, married bought a house, my mom still cries about it and asks what she did wrong?? I am going thru the same thing but I am married with kids. Hubby had a job offer in fl( we re in jersey) - told my mon and she had a mini breakdown so we didn't go.. I regret letting her guilt us like that. You will build up resentment - trust me- especially if things are not going good for you here. Do what is right for you.

 

[SandrA9810]

The drive between Miami and Orlando isn't very far. I've done two round trips in one day on an occasion or two. And there's ways to do it without taking the Turnpike. Maybe once she realizes that you're still within driving distance, it might not be so bad.

A good high school friend, also Cuban, he went into the Marines after high school. His two younger brothers also followed in his foot steps and their mom is proud of them, even though they don't live near Miami any more.

 

[okeydokey]

If both of my kids end up within 3 or 4 hours from me, I would be thrilled. It's a big country and they could end up so much farther away.

I don't mean to be snarky, but I really hope neither of my kids marry into a family with those kinds of expectations. I want to them to be able to make their own family where it is best for them.

 

[Help Please!]

Definitely a Hispanic thing. I did the Disney college program, my roommate's family was very over-the-top connected (they were in Miami, us in Orlando)...always up there, doing her laundry, daddy watching over her, etc.

My brother's current girlfriend is Cuban, and her parents won't let her spend the night at my mom's house (about 30 minutes from their house south Florida)...but they both go to college all the way up in Tallahassee...and they're 24!!!!

I love his girlfriend, her parents are very nice people, but definitely overbearing. On the weekend of my baby shower (my brother is my only sibling, this is is first niece or nephew and the first baby in all of our families lately), here parents knew where they were, but were still mad at them for not coming over to their condo in Tampa for the whole weekend. Really? Give them some space, and realize there are 2 families involved!

So, from my experiences, I would say...I think it's a cultural thing that is slowly changing. You need to do what works for you.

 

[disykat]

If both of my kids end up within 3 or 4 hours from me, I would be thrilled. It's a big country and they could end up so much farther away.

I don't mean to be snarky, but I really hope neither of my kids marry into a family with those kinds of expectations. I want to them to be able to make their own family where it is best for them.

I agree on both counts! My husbands family has given us some grief about not moving "home." We met here, we married here, this is our home! I guess they thought, that despite the fact that DH's career choice literally doesn't exist in their area, that we would come "home." He chose his career before he met me, but somehow I'm to blame.

In their case it has nothing to do with ethnicity, but rather the culture of spending their entire lives in a small town and not thinking beyond that.