Hypothetical texting scenario between 2 married people

[disykat]

I wouldn't start the conversation with the texts. I'd start with "I'm curious what's going on at the gym. I'm starting to hear stories." and see what he has to say. If you leave it open and don't let him know what you know and don't know, you might get more information.

 

[horseshowmom]

I wouldn't start the conversation with the texts. I'd start with "I'm curious what's going on at the gym. I'm starting to hear stories." and see what he has to say. If you leave it open and don't let him know what you know and don't know, you might get more information.

I agree. It's always better not to let someone know how much you know for sure.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I wouldn't have a conversation at all, I'd hire a private investigator.

 

[firecracker725]

Whether or not he's actually DONE anything, he's disrespecting your marriage, and that is so not okay. Forget rational, I'd be breaking out a rusty butter knife for some ...ahem, surgery.

 

[VeganCupcake]

Small update-confronted about text. Tried to not blow up didn't work out so well, what can I say. He said -she just talks like that sometimes. The date thing was just a way of saying "work out session". I believe the date bit I do not believe that she always talks like that bit- just my instinct. I asked him how he would feel if he found text like that on my phone. He said he felt ashamed blah blah blah. He just mad I saw the text because he would be LIVID had he seen a text from some man he doesn't know on my phone using that same type of language he wouldn't even listen to me explain if the situation was reversed. I haven't said anything to him about what my stepmom said because I am waiting for the right time. I may have to get a guest pass to his gym for the week. I don't want to create a bad situation for my parents neighbor at her job. And I know if he tries to deny it at this point I'll go bananas. One step at a time.

 

[Jennasis]

might be a good idea to have him change gyms.

 

[Bluestars]

Small update-confronted about text. Tried to not blow up didn't work out so well, what can I say. He said -she just talks like that sometimes. The date thing was just a way of saying "work out session". I believe the date bit I do not believe that she always talks like that bit- just my instinct. I asked him how he would feel if he found text like that on my phone. He said he felt ashamed blah blah blah. He just mad I saw the text because he would be LIVID had he seen a text from some man he doesn't know on my phone using that same type of language he wouldn't even listen to me explain if the situation was reversed. I haven't said anything to him about what my stepmom said because I am waiting for the right time. I may have to get a guest pass to his gym for the week. I don't want to create a bad situation for my parents neighbor at her job. And I know if he tries to deny it at this point I'll go bananas. One step at a time.

His response is not surprising.

Maybe you could tell him that you would like to join his gym and have him teach you how to use the weight machines.

ETA - Why would he have workout sessions with a female? That's not even believable to me. My husband and I both work out and neither of us does it by buddying up with people of the opposite sex.

 

[rutgers1]

I admit that I haven't read every single post in this thread (missed a couple of pages in the middle), but from my experience as a guy, and from my experience knowing some cheaters (both male and female), I would put the odds of him being innocent at about 10%....even if "guilty" means that he is simply flirting heavily and texting at all hours of the day.

I would also bet heavily that there are hundreds of texts between them. You can easily check that by checking his cell phone records. That is the first thing that I would do. I would also put a trace on the phone (If he has a smart phone, there are several apps that can do this...plus I think the phone company itself can do it).

If I were you, I would want the piece of mind that nothing is wrong -- and I wouldn't stop until I got it. I am a really trusting person, but I really don't trust guys in situations like this, especially with the text that was the start of this thread.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I can promise their date was not a work out session.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I admit that I haven't read every single post in this thread (missed a couple of pages in the middle), but from my experience as a guy, and from my experience knowing some cheaters (both male and female), I would put the odds of him being innocent at about 10%....even if "guilty" means that he is simply flirting heavily and texting at all hours of the day.

I would also bet heavily that there are hundreds of texts between them. You can easily check that by checking his cell phone records. That is the first thing that I would do. I would also put a trace on the phone (If he has a smart phone, there are several apps that can do this...plus I think the phone company itself can do it).

If I were you, I would want the piece of mind that nothing is wrong -- and I wouldn't stop until I got it. I am a really trusting person, but I really don't trust guys in situations like this, especially with the text that was the start of this thread.

I am going to have to agree with this. OP, you have been given two huge red flags with the text, and your step moms little talk. Now you have talked to your husband. All I can say is go with your gut.

 

[horseshowmom]

I admit that I haven't read every single post in this thread (missed a couple of pages in the middle), but from my experience as a guy, and from my experience knowing some cheaters (both male and female), I would put the odds of him being innocent at about 10%....even if "guilty" means that he is simply flirting heavily and texting at all hours of the day.

I would also bet heavily that there are hundreds of texts between them. You can easily check that by checking his cell phone records. That is the first thing that I would do. I would also put a trace on the phone (If he has a smart phone, there are several apps that can do this...plus I think the phone company itself can do it).

If I were you, I would want the piece of mind that nothing is wrong -- and I wouldn't stop until I got it. I am a really trusting person, but I really don't trust guys in situations like this, especially with the text that was the start of this thread.

This is really good advice.

 

[Buckalew11]

His response is not surprising.

Maybe you could tell him that you would like to join his gym and have him teach you how to use the weight machines.

ETA - Why would he have workout sessions with a female? That's not even believable to me. My husband and I both work out and neither of us does it by buddying up with people of the opposite sex.

There are people working at the gym for help. Teaming up like this is mostly asking for trouble. I'm sure it could work but it also opens the door...

I admit that I haven't read every single post in this thread (missed a couple of pages in the middle), but from my experience as a guy, and from my experience knowing some cheaters (both male and female), I would put the odds of him being innocent at about 10%....even if "guilty" means that he is simply flirting heavily and texting at all hours of the day.

I would also bet heavily that there are hundreds of texts between them. You can easily check that by checking his cell phone records. That is the first thing that I would do. I would also put a trace on the phone (If he has a smart phone, there are several apps that can do this...plus I think the phone company itself can do it).

If I were you, I would want the piece of mind that nothing is wrong -- and I wouldn't stop until I got it. I am a really trusting person, but I really don't trust guys in situations like this, especially with the text that was the start of this thread.

I can promise their date was not a work out session.

Maybe, maybe not...not sure how you could "promise" that. BUT, either way, it'd be wrong for me and to me.

I do know a woman who tells her DH she is "working out" after work and she might work out some but she's also seeing her BF on the side.
~~~~~
See, I think confronting him with that text will just make them sneakier if something is going on. I'd def. look at the records and see how much he talks/texts her. My BIL was averaging 3000+ texts a month with his GF. That's a lot of texting for a working father of 4 kids.

 

[RadioNate]

With the update. Prepare for him to go underground. Go with your gut. Period. If it feels fishy or like it is wrong & doesn't make sense. That is because it doesn't! You are your best lie detector. Trust yourself.

Good luck.

 

[NHdisneylover]

With the additional info (especially the sudden silencing of the phone and ceasing to text when you walk in the room) that text conversation becomes VERY concerning--clearly not just a style of talking.

He's acting like he has something to hide--which probably means he does have something to hide.

I'm sorry this is happening for you OP, and I wish you the best in getting the situation resolved.

 

[sam_gordon]

I can promise their date was not a work out session.

Possible, no guarantee. There's also no guarantee there's even BEEN a "date". OP, I would not join the gym yourself. Do you have a female coworker who'd be willing to join to be your "eyes"? If DH or the girl see you there, you think they're going to act "normal"? IMO, you need someone else to see how they interact.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, many hugs to you. I don't know what I do. That texting conversation to me says he is cheating. Owing someone a "date" is pretty damning.

I would probably dig up all the texts from his phone.

Then I would "follow the money". In the end the money trail always reveals the truth.

Now that you have confronted him, sit back and be silent and watch his texts online or money spent. He is probably furiously coming up with a "plan" at this moment to cover his tracks.

You will see "no activity" for awhile while he tries to "blow it over" quickly and then after that you will see a FLOOD of activity.

Anyway, I feel for you and hope you get to the bottom of this if you want. Unfortunately you are going to have to snoop if you want to figure this out.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, why would you have to take your earrings out to pummel him? I'd probably leave my earrings in so I'd still look good after I was finished.

OK, let's recap.
DH got an inappropriate text.
DW got some "insider" information that DH is being a dog at the gym.
DW tipped her hand a bit by letting DH know she saw the inappropriate text.

So what to do now...

Prepare & Protect yourself first.

I would take a look at and copy all my financial information and put it in a safe place outside of my home. Make sure you get tax returns, retirement information, savings and checking accounts and copies of all credit card accounts. Make you sure date them all so that you know on "X" date you had this much money, owed this much money etc.

Get any jewelry of any monetary value out of the house (good for hocking later if necessary).

Get any small items (things your husband wouldn't notice/miss) with any sentimental value out of the house.

Open a savings account (preferably in the name of someone else who you trust) and start putting $ into it.

Keep an eye on credit card usage in the future, to make sure big bills aren't being run up.

Keep an eye on all savings/checking/retirement accounts in the future to make sure money isn't being withdrawn.

Perhaps your stepmother would be willing to allow you to store the items at her house & open an account using her name. If not her, then perhaps a trusted friend would be willing to help you.

Now there are those who think that these steps are a bit premature, but it has been my experience when my friends have been in these situations that they decline quickly. None of this is bad if the OP works this out. It's not bad for the OP to have a handle on her financial situation. It's not bad for the OP to have control over her jewelry/sentimental items & if the situation rights itself the jewelry & other items can always come back into the home. It's not bad to have a savings account and if the situation rights itself that money can always be placed into the joint accounts at a later date.

The next thing I would do is to start getting cell phone logs & see what cell phone usage there is.. who he is calling and how frequently.

I wouldn't say anything about knowing someone at the gym. That's not information he needs to know and you might need to ask that person for some assistance. The last thing you want to do is have husband know everything you have in your arsenal while he's sneaking around. He has no problem keeping things from you so you should, at this point, play things close to the vest as well. Chances are he's in panic mode right now figuring how to go further underground with this, so you can probably get all the stuff I suggested done without him realizing it's happening.

I'd also probably talk to an attorney just to see what my options are in terms of separation and divorce.

Then I'd watch and wait. I know the intial reaction is to pummel him, scream, tell him everything you know etc. But you have to think rationally and logically so that you protect your own interests.

 

[Snowflakey]

NOTHING about this seems good......

 

[wdwmom0f3]

might be a good idea to have him change gyms.

Honestly I don't think that would do any good. From what her step mother has said he flirts with lots of women. Changing gyms will only open the door to even more people.

For what it's worth, there is a guy who is like this at my gym. He seemed nice at first, now we all see him as a creep.

NOTHING about this seems good......

I agree.

 

[goofyintoronto]

might be a good idea to have him change gyms.

Honestly I don't think that would do any good. From what her step mother has said he flirts with lots of women. Changing gyms will only open the door to even more people.

For what it's worth, there is a guy who is like this at my gym. He seemed nice at first, now we all see him as a creep.



I agree.

I was gonna say the same thing. Changing gym wont stop him. He'll just flirt with the women at the new gym. So i dont think that'll do any good.